When Wanda had left you turned around to EQ8, looked at her, and the sadness you were suppressing came up, your cheeks being covered in tears.
"We have to do something. Anything", you said sobbing and EQ stood up. "I'm not sure we can, it's already happening", she said and cried as well. "I don't want to die... I am freaking young, I am basically a baby", you said, and made you both laugh. "I know, I mean you like pink." "Pastel pink, okay?!" "That makes it even worse", she said and you laughed again. "We didn't get to actually experience life... not really at least... just trauma and glimpses of what could be... I'm not... that's... it's not fair", you complained and EQ sighed.
"I know but..", she stopped and looked behind you.
Turning around you saw the blackness coming closer.
"No. EQ, we have to run or anything. I don't know. Just... anything."
Trying to avoid the blackness both of you walked further away until you were standing in the corner. You held out your hand which she took and you both took a deep breath and looked into each other's eyes.
"Are you ready to die?", she asked. "No", you replied, "are you?" "No."
The blackness took over and you saw your life flashing by, beginning with the most recent events. Or at least the stuff you still knew. And while you already didn't want to die, it hurt so much more to see Bucky and you confessing. Caring for each other. Being there for each other. A potential relationship that wouldn't take place because of your death. No. It wasn't fair.
It was good that you both didn't take it further because it would have been way more difficult for Bucky to get over you, you thought. But still, you wished you would have had it. It was selfish, you knew it, but you just wished you would have had this experience. Your life was too short. But also too traumatic, so maybe it was alright to die? You wouldn't get any other trauma, you wouldn't need to suffer anymore.
The torture. You relived it. You wanted it to end, you couldn't do it all over again. It was too much.
It was cold. Dark. You felt alone. But it was also peaceful. Maybe dying was okay. Maybe dying wasn't all too bad and it just finally end your pain.
Maybe being dead was a gift and not a curse. Finally, you wouldn't have nightmares anymore. Wouldn't feel like dying inside over and over again.
Maybe being dead was okay.
Yes.
It was okay.
Clint.
He'd probably miss training sessions with you. But he got his family.
Peter.
He's going to be alright, finish school and all that.
Tony.
Oh, he would be mad at you, as usual. He loves being mad.
Bruce.
He would get more into studying, maybe your death would motivate him for another diploma. He probably felt bad for not saving you, so he definitely would go further into medicine.
Wanda.
She'll feel lost. Alone. Maybe she would leave the team. Probably.
You wondered if she'd go deliver your message. If not you already knew she would be the first person you would bother as a ghost.
Felix.
Oh god. He went through hell, just like you had. He must be traumatized and even saw you die. He must feel like your death was his fault even though it wasn't. It was your decision, so it was your fault.
But who would tell him? Who'd be there for him?
Oma.
Oh, no. Oma. She'll be devastated. But at least she got Felix... right?
Steve.
He got Bucky. They are good friends, they'll manage. Together. End of the line or whatever they keep telling each other.
Right?
But Bucky.
Oh Bucky.
He will... he will manage. Yes. He will manage. He got Steve, Steve is all he needs. He was always there for him.
It's Steve. Captain America.
More important than you.
Steve.
His best friend.
Yeah.
It was okay.
They'll be... okay.
They...
No.
You couldn't be sure about it.
Not about Bucky.
Not him.
Everyone else - maybe.
Bucky?
No.
He was slowly opening up.
Which he never did except for a few people.
He trusted you with his nightmares and had slept next to you.
He trusted you.
He said he loved you.
He didn't love anyone for ages.
Would he ever find someone who could understand him like you did? You had a few similar experiences. It's nothing he could just casually talk about with a stranger.
Nor could he explain his past before Hydra easily, probably people would think he was joking.
And he'd be hurt all over again.
Building up more walls, if the upcoming ones would even ever get lowered.
No, he'd be okay. He is strong. He can do it. It's okay to die. Don't die worrying, you thought.
Oh, hell you'd worry your whole non-existence if it would help him.
But it wouldn't. Just stay calm. Leave.
End it.
No.
No.
Oh, god hell no.
These losers would blame themselves and they all would break up with each other, you heard EQ saying.
True.
___
The tension and sadness were unbearable in the waiting room. There was no need to stay but they did anyways, they couldn't leave you just yet.
Because if they'd go, it would get real and no one wanted that. So they stayed.
Tony flew back to Pepper who tried to be there for him. Being drunk and throwing a glass angry at the wall Pepper walked up and hugged him, saying everything would be alright.
"It won't", he said, "I suck, I failed." "You don't and it shows. You care." "How am I supposed to protect anyone if I couldn't help someone this strong? She was Hydra's greatest weapon yet she died!", Tony yelled and rested his hands behind his head, pacing around.
Pepper knew it wasn't just about that. She knew you had gotten family to him and she was sad to never be able to meet you.
"Let us head back to the others. I think it'd be better if the Avengers would get through this together", Pepper suggested. "I don't want to. I don't want to see these sad faces rubbing in my face how much I failed", Tony said and avoided Pepper who tried to grab his arm so he would finally stop pacing around and calm down.
Bucky was crying when he saw the doctor coming back and walking up to him. He didn't want to stand up, he was too sad for that, so Steve did it out of respect.
"I wanted to talk to you about the surgery earlier", the doctor began and Bucky scoffed, thinking why he even bothered coming back and talking about your death.
Steve nodded and the doctor kept going: "Well, there were a few complications, she had lost a lot of blood, and her injuries were pretty severe. I guess it happened in a mission? Or do the police need to be involved?" He looked at each of the Avengers. "Yeah, we've been on a mission", Steve replied and the doctor nodded.
"Good. It's protocol, so I'm sorry for asking." "Don't worry, we get it", Steve assured. "However, her heart stopped beating and we tried to get her back but without luck hence I wanted to talk with you about a grief counselor."
While Tony avoided being looked after by anyone, he got a call. "I don't want to answer it, decline!", he yelled at F.R.I.D.A.Y. "Sir, it's Steve Rogers", the AI replied. "I don't care", Tony mumbled. "F.R.I.D.A.Y please accept the call and put it on speaker", Pepper said and Tony sighed dramatically annoyed, rolling his eyes.
"Stark, here is Rogers", Steve said. "Hey, Steve. Tony is listening, you're on speaker", Pepper explained. "Oh, okay. I get it." Steve got interrupted by Tony: "I don't care, just hang up. Leave me alone." "I think you might want to hear this." "I don't, old man. Leave me alone now", Tony said and got another drink.
"She's alive", Steve said and Tony dropped the glass which shattered on the ground.
"This is a really bad joke, Rogers. You're crossing a line", Tony said angrily. "It's not a joke. Just get here and see it yourself." "Don't." "What?" "You just want me to join your crying circle. You're crazy. Stop it."
Steve sighed and said: "The doctor came back and told us that her heart started to beat again. She was dead so he came up to us but got called in right after. We thought it was because of another emergency but... it was her, Tony. He had to run back because of her. But they don't know if she'll be okay yet. She is stable and they put her in a coma but that's all they could tell us. We have to wait for her to wake up now."
Tony was overwhelmed and didn't know if this was true or not so he just stared at Pepper in silence. "We'll come along", Pepper answered, knowing Tony wouldn't get out a word.
Arriving at the hospital Tony straight away ran to the waiting room and the team stopped talking as soon as they noticed him.
"Don't tell me you lied", Tony said firmly. "He didn't", Natasha said and gave a tired smile, the exhaustion of the previous hours drawn onto her face, "She's alive."
Tony took a deep breath, feeling the tension he had felt leaving his body. The rest of the team had felt the same, some of them had also cried out of happiness or because the emotions were simply too much.
However, everyone felt a wave of tiredness rushing over them. It was an exhausting time and a rollercoaster of emotions, so it was no wonder they would feel tired and exhausted now.
"We're waiting until someone tells us she got placed into a room. We're not allowed to get in yet but they said we can visit her tomorrow", Steve explained and Tony nodded, "Bucky and Nat will go to her window though, they want to see her. You can as well if you want." "I want to", Felix jumped in. "Okay. Romanoff and Tinman first, then we both can have a quick look", Tony suggested and Steve and Felix nodded.
A while later they could finally have a look at you.
"I hope she will wake up soon", Natasha said and Bucky nodded sighing, "I can't wait for a minimum of a couple of days. I want to talk to her. I want..." "Me too", Bucky whispered.
Natasha and Bucky were holding hands while they watched you lying on a hospital bed and being attached to a machine that was breathing for you.
"Let's go", Natasha said and pulled Bucky with her. He didn't want to but followed reluctantly, his eyes not leaving you until he couldn't see you anymore.
Natasha nodded when Tony looked at her and he and Felix walked to the same spot where Natasha and Bucky had been.
"She's alive", Tony whispered relieved.
"Do you think she'll be alright when she wakes up?", Felix asked. "I hope so", was all Tony replied.
The very next day, after a sleepless night, the team got back to the hospital.
"There are only two people allowed at the same time", Steve said and the team was looking at each other, trying to make couples without talking.
Bucky and Steve were first.
While Bucky sat as close as possible and held your hand, Steve sat with a little distance from you, watching, and letting Bucky have his time.
He didn't say a word but kept his gaze on you the whole time until Steve said they had to go.
Before Bucky left, he kissed you on your forehead and whispered: "Please wake up."
Natasha and Clint were next, they sat on each side of you.
"Hey kid", Clint said, "you did well." "Hey, y/n... it's me... I can't wait for you to wake up", Natasha said with a smile and a tear running down her cheek, "I can't believe you tricked us. And while I understand why you... did what you did... I would have appreciated it if you would have talked to me. But I am happy you are still with us. I'm proud of you."
Clint smiled for a second before it turned back into a frown. "Stay strong", he said.
Bruce and Tony walked in and switched places with Clint and Natasha.
"Kiddo, time to wake up", Tony said and tried to sound happy, "enough sleep for today."
They couldn't stand seeing your body in a coma for a long time so after a while of silence, they left again.
When Wanda and Felix walked in, Wanda couldn't help but smile.
"You're back", she said low, "thank you." "Was she really dead?", Felix asked sadly and Wanda nodded. "I was with her before she died... and I felt her being gone... but she came back. She fought", Wanda explained. "But weren't you next to me? I didn't notice you leaving."
Wanda moved her fingers gently in the air and a red light appeared, which amazed Felix.
"You're a witch?", he asked and she nodded. "I was in her mind right before...", but she didn't continue and just looked at your body.
"Can you get in now? Tell her we are here?", Felix asked and she thought about it.
"I guess", she answered.
Concentrating she entered your mind but got back right after, her face one in terror.
"What... what's wrong?", Felix asked worriedly. Wanda shook her head, and moved her fingers again gently but this time a bit differently and a bit longer.
"What did you do?", Felix asked. "I helped her have a peaceful rest."
A few days later the doctors said they lowered the dosage to one where you would wake up anytime soon.
Bucky sat next to you again, holding your hand as he used to the other days before. He hadn't said anything except when he had left, so you'd know he had been there and would come back.
Bucky was in his thought when he felt something but he was unsure what it was, he just got out of his mind, and looked around to only see the room like it used to be. But then he felt it again. On his hand. You were moving your finger so lightly it was almost unnoticeable.
"I'm here", Bucky said softly but held back a smile. He didn't want to be happy just yet since you weren't fully awake so it could simply be a false alarm. He didn't want to get hurt again and especially not by his own expectations. But then your eyes fluttered open and you began to cough so he was calling for a doctor or nurse to help which they did as soon as they noticed him.
When they had removed the machine you were disoriented, not knowing what was going on or where you were. If you wouldn't have been full of drugs you would have had a full-blown panic attack.
"I'm here, y/n. It's me, Bucky", he said softly and tried to smile but he was too worried.
The doctor told Steve and Bucky to come outside with him so they did. "It's common and should go away soon. It will take some time until her brain adjusts to the situation. She will also need some therapy", the doctor explained.
"What kind of therapy?", Bucky asked thinking back to his psychotherapy session. "Both physical- and psychotherapy. The reason is that she has to relearn some things, depending on her recovery level. It's also very common for coma patients to have nightmares they can't distinguish from reality which a lot of people traumatize. Also, the accident itself and let alone a death experience can be traumatizing." "Is there something we have to watch out for? Or something we can do?", Steve asked. "Patience is important, so just give her the time she needs and let her try to get it done on her own first before helping, as I said she has to relearn a lot. Especially if she tries to talk, don't just interrupt her." "Okay, thank you", Steve said and the doctor left.
"So... like last time?", Bucky asked and Steve nodded. "I think so. But it seems like this one could be worse. He said something about nightmares, what if she had some and thinks they actually happened?"
When both men walked in you watched them, your gaze mostly on Bucky. "Hey, doll", he said with a smile that you couldn't return, "How are you?" But you didn't answer and just looked at Steve who smiled as well.
They both sat down again and Bucky tried to take your hand but it twitched when he touched you so he took it back.
"Do you know who I am?"
No answer.
"It's okay. All you have to know is that we are your family and a few others who are still outside are as well."
Even though Bucky's words were calm he didn't feel the same inside. He was scared and in pain and he wanted you to be alright.
Wondering if you would ever recognize him again or if it would end as it did with Natasha, Steve interrupted his thoughts: "We should leave." Bucky nodded and stood up. "I'll be back tomorrow", he said like the previous days when he left just without the forehead kiss.
Bucky came back the very next day, and this time he had Natasha with him.
Everyone agreed that Bucky was the one to see you daily while the others would switch places until there were more people allowed. But right now the doctor had said it would be better to just have two per day to not stress you out.
"Hey, doll", Bucky said but you kept staring at the ceiling.
"I'm happy to see you, y/n", Natasha said and they both sat on the chairs close to your bed.
"How are you?", she asked but there was no response from you.
"What's...", but she stopped, thinking it wouldn't be okay to talk about you while you were in the same room.
The doctor came in, apologizing for coming too late and interrupting the visiting time.
"I have to do some tests, you are her boyfriend and you are...?", he asked Natasha. She wanted to correct him on the boyfriend thing but decided otherwise.
"I'm her sister", she lied, knowing she would have gotten thrown out since she wasn't close family.
"Alright", the doctor said nodding and writing something down,
"Did she respond to anything you did?" They both shook their head, wondering what it was about but the doctor just nodded and wrote something down again.
He grabbed a small lamp out of his pocket and shined with it in your eyes.
"Can you look to the left, please?", he asked but no response.
"The right?" Still no response.
"Can you follow my finger?" Nothing.
He put it away and tapped on a few spots on your body.
"Miss y/l/n, could you please blink two times?", he asked but again, you didn't do anything except staring at the ceiling.
"What's wrong?", Bucky asked worried but the doctor just wrote something down and told them to leave the room.
They waited in front of it until the doctor came out.
"What's going on?", Bucky asked getting angry and Natasha hit his arm lightly with her elbow.
"As you probably noticed yesterday, she was responsive, looked at people coming in, following them with her eyes", he began explaining and Bucky nodded, "but since she woke up today she is just staring at the ceiling, unresponsive. Her reflexes are alright, and I couldn't find any other physical explanation yet. Since she is not responding to physical, visual, or auditory stimuli it could be a persistent vegetative state or a minimally conscious state. But it could also be something else. She isn't deaf, right?" "No", Natasha answered and the doctor nodded. "We have to keep an eye on her and see where this is going." "So you're telling me you have no idea what's going on?", Bucky asked irritated. "I know this sounds frustrating but right now we don't. All we know is that we can't find a reason for her state, it could even be a severe psychological phenomenon." "So now you're saying she got crazy?!" "No. But we know that patients in shock can wander around disoriented without responding to other influences, some dissociate so heavily we won't get a response so there are quite a few reasons that look a bit or strongly like hers right now. But to be sure we need more information which we don't have." "Could it be amnesia? Maybe she forgot English?", Bucky asked thinking about what could be the reason.
"It could be, but just for the talking part. Intuitively we respond to visual, sensory, or auditory impacts no matter if we understand them or not. And she isn't showing any response to them." Bucky nodded and looked at you still having the same position with the same gaze.
The doctor said goodbye and Natasha and Bucky walked back into the room.
Bucky didn't want to make you feel bad but he wanted to see if you'd show a response like you did yesterday if he took your hand again. But you didn't.
"We're here, you're safe", he said and repeated the same in german just in case you'd forgotten English.
"Can you... can you hear us? Y/n? Q? Please", Natasha said desperate and worried but nothing happened. "Can't Wanda do anything?", Natasha thought out loud and Bucky's eyes shot to her. "She'll be the visitor for tomorrow, I'll make sure of it", Bucky said firm, hoping she could help.
Wanda was worried about what she would find in your mind but she was all in when Bucky told her about your current state and asked if she could have a look at you.
They entered the room and you were again just staring at the ceiling.
"Hey, doll", Bucky said, "I got a friend with me. You know her, she helped you."
Bucky gave Wanda a look that she should start, so she moved her fingers and closed her eyes.
Bucky didn't interrupt but he got more and more impatient.
After a while, Wanda opened her eyes again and lowered her hands. "What did you see?" "She... She ran away." "What do you mean?!", Bucky said almost yelling.
"I think I have to tell you something first... when she was in a coma, she was stuck in Hydra's torture. Every time I was here she was back in there even though I gave her a sweet dream over and over again. It just didn't stick. And... I think because of that she ran away in her mind to feel safe. To not feel or see anything. But I couldn't get her, it's like a maze in there", Wanda explained and looked at you.
"Can she hear us?", Bucky asked and Wanda thought a bit. "I don't know. I think I need to know how deep she got first." He nodded. "Could you get any other information?" She shook her head. "It's a mess in there."
Bucky got angry and scared, he didn't want to lose you. "Y/n, come back. I'm waiting", he said sad yet angry.
A couple of days went by with no improvement. Bruce had checked you as well, not trusting the competence of the doctors but he couldn't find a solution or the actual problem causing your situation. Tony and him were working on a few things but they gave them up over and over in the early stages since they didn't have enough information.
When Felix was in your room he told you a few stories from earlier and because Bucky had told him to keep it in german, he followed his order and didn't bother trying to say anything in english.
Bucky didn't show it but he got a bit emotional listening to Felix and your story, your past. The problems you had which Felix didn't go further into and more about what he did to make you happy. Funny moments you had shared which were so silly Bucky couldn't even imagine you used to be like this. But what he noticed was that you had never lost your sarcasm and humor nor your strength. He got to know how professional you were about fitting in and staying unnoticed, no wonder Hydra wanted you. You were the perfect assassin they just had to form a little.
It reminded him a little bit of Natasha who could also just play an act so perfectly that no one would ever notice. She could be the shy unnoticed girl or one who would flirt around and get seen by every man. It seemed like you were the same. Most of the time you were unnoticed and got bullied but you knew what to do to get seen. If you wanted to.
You could leave the class without anyone noticing yet at the same time you could have been the attention of the class right before leaving and no one would have questioned it. If someone got mean you could hide your feelings so well they got bored.
Felix even talked about a day when a boy in your class was giving you cuts on your arm but you didn't even flinch and let him proceed since you were fed up and didn't want a discussion. You also didn't want to get called weak or anything like that which would have followed if you'd have said anything and the guy was baffled that you didn't show any sign of his actions. Felix on the other hand was baffled that you didn't punch him for his stupid behavior and was looking at your arm which was covered in a big swollen bruise and cuts.
"It barely hurts", you had said, "just drop it. It's not worth it." "I would have taught him a lesson", Bucky interrupted Felix and he huffed smiling. "I bet he might have peed himself then", Felix responded and both laughed.
"You had a good friendship", Bucky stated and Felix sighed. "Yeah... until she moved away. Since it's just occasional until... you know. Hydra happened."
Bucky nodded while still looking at you.
"What... did they do to her?"
For a moment Bucky looked at Felix but looked back to you right after. "What did they do to you?", Bucky asked back. "They threatened to kill me a few times. And they were punching and kicking me. But they also threatened her grandma."
Bucky saw a little twitch with your finger. Or did he just imagine it?
"Go on", Bucky said in a deep voice. "They wanted to hurt her if I wouldn't come with them. So I did. I don't think she would have survived an attack from them. Maybe they would have even shot her, I don't know."
There was another one, Bucky was sure now.
"Is she okay?", Bucky asked and Felix said yes.
"Стой", you said low but Bucky understood. Stop.
"Ты в безопасности (you are safe)", Bucky said assuring. "Нет", you replied and he saw a tear running down your face. He told you in Russian who he and Felix were but he got no response anymore. Your eyes closed slowly and Bucky thought that it was time to leave for today.