I feel so lost looking around me. I have never been a part of a fair like I am now. I know this is just the announcement of the artists that will be a part of the real book fair at the end of summer, but I feel immensely proud.
We are staying at The Balmoral in Edinburgh, and the whole event happens in this immense and majestic grand hall. The hotel is sublime, but more than that, the room is very detailed. In the middle, there's a stage with about a hundred seats divided into several lines. Many publishing houses have organised their space in small rooms with movable walls, which advertise authors and the company publishing them. It's a more intimate experience that way. I like it.
I wish Marcel could have been here with me today. After what happened last night, I have realised how I had expectations of Ash. He was always making me so happy, he was always at a good time, so I must have always expected him to be. It makes me miss Marcel... Even though I love my brother, I would rather be in Edinburgh with my boyfriend/editor.
I still can't believe I'm here!
I will be introduced to the board in charge of this event. Edith is supposed to show me the final look at the three-chapter version of the book. I'm so excited. I haven't seen it yet. After our fight on Tuesday morning, I haven't been back at the office, so I told Marcel to handle all the final details and make the executives decisions for me...
I meet Paul at the Wright Books kiosk. He greets me with a smile that charms me. He doesn't seem as bad as everyone says he is at the moment. He is very professional. He very kindly carries all of my boxes to my display. He explained to me that I'd meet with the organisers of the book fair and various other journalists. He says it will be good for the marketing side of things. He coaches me quickly on questions that we'll be asked to mentally prepare for them and leave a great impression. He also reminds me to hand out a copy of my three first chapters to everyone, more importantly to journalists, so they can write great reviews about it.
The second he leaves me to go see Edith, I open the first box of three. Shivers run through me the second I see my name written on the cover. The book is relatively thin but stunning. Marcel had chosen his favourite cover. The design is lovely. It's mysterious and dark in a Fifty Shades of Grey style. It has a pearl necklace on the cover with beautiful shadowed infinity designs shaped with the shadows of the pearls. It hits me how real this is.
I need to take a second to compose myself. It has been so much work to come to this point, but a fun ride it was. I can't believe it's nearly over. Soon, I won't have to work with Marcel as often. It saddens me, but I feel immensely proud. But more than that, it gives me an idea.
I take all the books out of the boxes and put them on my display. I keep one copy for myself, one for Marcel and one last for Edith. I take a seat at my stand to make myself more comfortable. I take a Sharpie out of my purse and write a little something in Edith's copy.
"To new beginnings, to a better relationship & to great success. Genuinely, Grace -xx-"
I look up to see if she's still where I had last seen her, with Paul. She's now talking to two other people. They look very professional, and I see their name tag around their neck that informs me they are the organisers of this event. I hesitate to interrupt, but the second the organisers leave, I take advantage of the situation.
"Oh Grace, I've wanted to see you." Edith immediately sees me and says, Paul eyeing us a second until Edith gives him a look and leaves us alone. "How have you settled in?"
"Good, thank you. This is all making me emotional, to be honest. I wish Marcel could have been here."
"Yes, me too. It's very unprofessional for him to not support his first writer." She says in a cold tone, but she sighs, and it makes me see a more tender and genuine disappointment.
"He had other engagements." I let out and roll my eyes, looking back at my display, knowing what those engagements were. "I was actually hoping it could give us a chance to spend more time together."
"I have many other writers to take care of, Grace." She looks back at me and says with an annoyed tone. Right, of course, she does...
She looks at me a moment, her cold stare analysing me like her son often does. I know something is going on in her mind.
"I completely understand that. I don't want to get in the way..." I apologise and almost forget to hand her a copy of my first three chapters until I look down, being disappointed myself. "I thought you would like to have a copy."
I look back up at her, being very sweet but feeling incredibly alone to face this first event on my own. I hand her the book and walk back to my station. I don't know what to do or how to act. I don't even know if the public will be allowed in. That's why I told William not to join me. I know it isn't a book fair. It's only the mediatic announcement of who'll be present. It's strictly for publicity, but I would have hoped that I wouldn't have to be alone all weekend...
I sit on my chair and immediately put Marcel and I's books inside of my purse. I take my Sharpie and decide to sign some copies laid on my table to kill some time. Fortunately for me, my cell phone vibrates once. That might kill some time until the first journalist comes... I guess they are not in a hurry to see me since I'm a nobody...
Ash: I'm so sorry about last night. Mikey has told me everything.
My heart gets big in my chest. All the drama that happened last night comes back to my mind, and it makes me uneasy. I feel a knot in my stomach remembering it all.
Me: I just hope you won't make the same mistakes again.
Ash: I didn't mean for the night to turn out that way.
Me: You're a grown man, Ashley. You decide your fate. Just realise what could have happened if Will and I hadn't been there.
Ash: It isn't always like that.
Me: Maybe it's just because you don't remember what happens every time. Mikey is clearly used to it and maybe even sick of it.
He doesn't respond, and honestly, I just don't want to have to think about it anymore. I was uncomfortable then, and I still am now talking about it.
Me: You guys know how to have fun without drinking to excess or using drugs... I don't get why you would feel compelled to use that excessively...
It takes another long moment before I get a response, but at least I get one that makes me open my eyes.
Ash: You don't know how it is. We get on stage in front of thousands of people, and we feel like kings. For almost an hour, we get so high with adrenaline, love and pride. But when our set is over, the high slowly fades, and we are by ourselves. We get from an extreme to the other. You know Mikey, you know how depressive he gets, but he decides to introvert himself. We don't. We decide to search for a way for that high to continue, and we get offered stuff. Stuff that feels good.
Me: I understand... Thank you for being so open with me. I just don't want you to put your life in danger. I really got scared last night.
Ash: You don't have to worry. Nothing has ever happened.
Me: You vomited your guts out, Ash! How bad does it have to get for you to realise that it is concerning?!
Ash: I had control of the situation.
Me: You didn't. You would have been sick in the middle of the club if it hadn't been for Will forcing you out of there. What about if you had been alone? How much will it take for it to be too much? Do you really want to challenge your limits like that?
Ash: It isn't like that.
Me: I like you, Ash. But I like you for who you were when we met. I don't really like the guy you were last night.
Ash: What did I do wrong? I've always been true to myself when I'm with you.
Me: If you hadn't used that much, maybe you would remember.
I'm sick of this argument. I'm tired of having to explain myself. I hate this feeling inside of me of discomfort. I don't want to have to deal with this anymore today. As if today wasn't already stressful enough. Argh!! I'm really disappointed.
I don't know how much time has passed since the beginning of my conversation with Ash, but there are many more people around, not just journalists. My stress seems to double at the sight of that many people. Is there a conference scheduled? People seem to be gathering in the middle-end of the venue. I don't really have a clear sight, and I'm about to get up when my phone rings.
I let out an annoyed sigh as I sat back down on my chair and leaned down to pick up my device from my purse on the floor.
"Hello?" I let out my arrogance from Ash and I's argument showing despite myself.
"Hello to you... I didn't think you were upset about me too." I hear Eddy's sweet voice on the other end of the line.
"I'm not, but I've just had a tough conversation with Ashley. Clearly, he told you about it. I'm sorry... How are you?"
"I'm doing good, but I thought you would enjoy some company." He says, and it puzzles me instantly.
"What?!"
That's when I see him, wearing a checkered shirt as usual. The royal blue brings out the ginger of his hair. I hang up and smile as he walks to me.
"What are you doing here?" I let out as I walked around my table to join him on the other side.
"Ashley wanted to come, but with all the drama since last night, he thought it wasn't a good idea. I know Marce is busy, so I thought I would stop by."
"That is very kind of you. Time has been quite long, and I've had no one explain to me what to do or how it will go... I feel like a fish out of water, to be honest."
"Really? No one?"
"I've had Paul helping me settle in when I got here. He coached me on interviews I will have with journalists, but other than that, no. I've never felt so alone in my life." I smile, but this whole situation is a bit out of my depth.
"Well, they gave me this brochure when I got in. It says that there will be a conference in half an hour to announce the writers and the publishing houses and how everything will take place for the book fair. This seems to be just a publicity gig."
"See?! You know more than I do!" I exclaim and let out a hollow laugh. I point my stand and invite him to sit on my extra chair. "I guess we all thought Marcel would be joining me. Would you like a seat?"
He smiles and joins me as we wait for this conference. I don't know if I'm supposed to attend it, but since everyone is going, Eddy and I join the crowd after a couple of minutes. We sit at the end to not disturb anyone if we chat a little. Because I want to chat. We've talked about our lives when we were at the station, but now I want to get in the more current stuff.
"How come you are always in the middle of my drama?" I ask him with a joking smile on my lips, but feeling genuinely sorry about it.
"I'm just loyal to my friends. I've known Marce for a couple of years. I have grown to know him quite a lot, despite his best wishes, I must say." He jokes and leans in a bit so that we don't have to talk quite as loud as people make their way to the microphone. "I know how desperate he must have been to ask anyone for help. Marcel isn't one to step on his pride."
"That I know."
"But he seems to always do when he's with you."
"Yeah, well..."
"You got him wrapped around your finger."
"That isn't true, or else he would be here right now and not with the Evil Snake."
"The Wicked Witch?"
"Yes."
"They still see each other?"
"Maybe right at this very moment. I've talked to Edith about her grip on him. She told me only I could fix it. It seems she thinks I have the influence you also think I have on him. But I clearly don't."
"Why's that?"
"Every time we talk about her, he shuts me out. He tells me how she was there for him when his father died and that I could never understand the bond they have. I know I could never replace her or what she did, but I am here now. And I want to be there for him every time he needs somebody." I sigh and compose myself so that I don't cry in front of him. I have never felt not good enough for somebody that strongly in my life, and it brings out many issues for me. "He told me I was the one for him, that he chose me and that she was nothing to him anymore. And yet, he still chooses her over me."
"Why don't you make him choose?"
"I thought about it... Part of me is scared to lose him forever... But, on the other side, I would rather have him realise by himself that he doesn't need her anymore, that I am enough for him."
"I understand that. But if you are not happy about how things are, you need to do something about it anyway. If you don't challenge him, he will never see the problem in hanging out with her."
"It seems like it's all I do... I'm growing sick of always fighting."
"What I don't understand is why he still sees her?"
"I know! It's like I'm not enough for him...."
"Exactly! What does she bring him that you don't? Why does he still feel the need to see her? You bring out such a wonderful side of him, I don't get it."
"Welcome to the club."
"The only thing I am sure of is that he wasn't happy with her. He told me so. And I'm pretty sure you are the only one to make him realise that there is so much more to this world than being a pawn to her." Eddy tells me, and it adds a bit to the weight everyone puts on me to be the one to free him from her.
I don't add another word to this conversation. I settle my attention on the presentation upfront to change my mind. I see the pictures of writers I have crossed in the hall earlier. I don't know any of their work, and I don't really care right now. I don't really care either the moment I see my picture appear on the big screen.
I don't know how I have let myself lose myself that way. Seeing my picture up there with big authors or even just being a part of Edith's publishing house is a big deal. This is a dream! And I'm not even enjoying it right now. I need to get my ideas straight.
Eddy leaves me when the conference is over. He has to go to the venue for the soundcheck before meeting some fans for the Meet & Greet they have purchased with their tickets. I feel sad to be alone again. I just can't wait for lunch to come so that I can escape to my hotel room upstairs and see my brother.
I get back to my stations and look randomly at the people walking back to their sections of this luxurious ballroom. Paul stops by mine as he passes by to join Edith.
"Isn't that a shame..." He lets out, looking down at my books laid out in front of me. He picks one up and looks inside as if being interested.
"What is?" I retort on the defensive.
"That he isn't here." He continues without looking at me, his attention still on my book.
"He had other plans."
"What could be more important than his first writer?" He clearly wants to put salt in my wounds. He uses that kind of mockery tone.
I decide to spike back, and I honestly don't know why I say that. I guess I just want to let it out.
"His lover. You know her. I think you even worked with her."
I see a spark in his eyes. He loves to know everyone dirty little secrets. From what I've been told, he is the first to share rumours around the office to greater his career or esteem. I don't know if it has actually worked.
"Who?"
"Kate."
He freezes and finally looks down at me. I see just how it disturbs him. What does he know? I like to see him squirm.
"Isn't he gay? Didn't he have a boyfriend?" He exclaims and puts down my book to lean forward on the table by resting his two hands on the side. I shrug, making it seem like I don't know much. "And she's married. This can't be..."
He brushes off, but it weighs heavy on him. I don't know why. It seems like everyone in the office has business with her still.
"Believe me, it's real. I walked in on her in his office one day. And I've seen her completely naked that other time. I've seen them. Believe me, it's not something I can easily forget." I tell him as I see him squirm more evidently and filled with pure, deliciously vengeful anger.
I need to know why it seems to upset him so much!
I'll definitely use all the information he's given me to my advantage.