[Jeongin]
One of my earliest childhood memories was lying down flat on an emerald hill. Below stood rows after rows of swaying spherical cotton balls, each looking on the cusp of exploding into a million miniature copies of itself to be carried away across far reaches of the kingdom.
A perfectly picturesque scene of the dandelion sea, with me, lost within its bliss like a sleeping fox.
Maybe its the way you say my name
"Jeongin!"
My head turned slightly in the direction of your incoming voice, afraid to startle the resting flowers. Unfortunately for them, you were already barrelling headfirst beside me and caused a patch of dandelions to take flight. You had laughed at how my dark hair was dotted by a scattering of white fuzz like snow, completely oblivious to the one that landed on the tip of your nose until I blew it away.
This merely inspired you to pluck out another hapless dandelion, somehow miraculously intact, and hold it out in front of me. You chirped, "Make a wish!"
I regarded you sceptically, before obliging with an "Alright." Partly because I was curious as to whether there was truth behind the fairytales, and partly because I enjoyed fostering your beaming smile. I took one overexaggerated deep breath and puffed the dandelion straight into your face.
The seeds settled around us as our bodies toppled over each other in fits of laughter, the August sun bemused by our antics.
Maybe it's the way you play your game
So there we remained, you stubbornly refusing to relieve my back of your weight as your chin rested atop my head. Up on that hill, we idled away countless twilights watching in wonder as the sky dappled in streaks of pink and orange inevitably subdued to a muted purple kiss.
"So~ what did you wish for?" you interrupted the stillness with a prying question, back when we were strangers to silence.
"I can't tell you that, silly, or else it won't come true." I rolled over so that you abruptly landed on the grass.
This prompted you to pout and cross your arms over your chest. "Hmph, you're no fun, Innie."
"Well, what did you wish for?"
"Me?" You asked as if I could have possibly spoken to anyone else, then faced heavenward. "I wished that the sky would stay like this forever. It's beautiful," you exhaled.
Now, I don't remember much about my childhood, but I do recall the way I had gazed longingly at your side profile with your chin pointed into the endless stretch of clouds, long wild hair caught in the breeze over your shoulders.
And I recall how you were so lost in thought that you completely missed it when I had breathed out a "Very beautiful" in response.
But it's so good, I've never known anybody like you
That particular spot on the hill overlooked the tiny silhouette of the palace in the distance, its magnificent structure towering over all of the kingdom's citizens. It was a constant reminder of the ever-extensive expanse of the royal family's power - a constant reminder of the status disparity between us.
But up on that hill, it was just far enough away for the princess to escape her nagging attendants for an otherwise improbable opportunity to meet the lowly seamstress's son. In these stolen slivers of our divergent lives, we snatched the setting summer suns for ourselves.
Too young to be concerned about the repercussions of being found out. Too young to realize dandelions were too transient to serve as mementoes of the times we would later mourn.
But it's so good, I've never dreamed of nobody like you
These precious memories have long since been pocketed away in my closed fists until they've been ingrained into the lines of my palms. Such an intangible effort to hold onto the echo of the free-spirited companion I knew, all the while she was being seized by the royal duties that commanded her full attention.
How peculiar it was to witness the you who once shone the brightest frolicking amongst weeds as unruly as yourself now being caged in rigid corsets. The you who I now have to search for under layers of extravagant, bejewelled gowns, embroidered velvet and lace, under candle-light dinners where your makeup smeared across places it shouldn't belong.
Your royal attire demanded the wearer to be prim and proper, but you knew - as well as I - that you were anything but.
And I've heard of love that comes once in a lifetime
The kind of love I thought existed only in fairytales. That wasn't the kind I was thinking of watching you continually stifled by the day. There was nothing magical or mystical about powerlessly standing by as you were buried under such ill-fitting luxuries that barely let you take two steps forward without tripping. But how else could a humble servant such as I help to ease you off the royal burdens that governed your every thought and action?
By inheriting the skilled hands of a seamstress, I engrossed myself in grasping the fine arts of garment-making. For every afternoon you spent in yet another etiquette lesson, I spent under the meticulous guidance of my mother until eventually, my fingers knew the needle and thread like second nature.
And I'm pretty sure that you are that love of mine
The kind of love that filled in the gaps. The kind of love that granted me the seemingly magical ability to fashion for you whatever clothes your heart desires. But there was nothing more magical than seeing the overjoyed expression on your face when I gifted you that lightweight cotton frock one unassuming summer day.
I loved you to the point of creation. The kind of love that allowed you the freedom to spin and twirl on verdant fields as lush and effervescent as yourself. Back up on that hill, where the sight of your unpretending smile was all the commission I needed.
'Cause I'm in a field of dandelions
Waiting for you right on cue, I paced around the royal garden's gazebo with a lone dandelion seed clutched in my fist. This one was caught falling just outside my workshop window among multiple others.
After many insufferable years of being deprived of your beloved dandelion fields, you had requested a pot of the very same flowers to be stationed along your bedroom window to keep you company as you went about your studies. Little did your attendants know that this was another one of the little secrets forged between us. For your quarters were directly two stories above mine, and every time you sent dandelions seeds drifting down, it would be a signal to meet soon. A signal that you had been bored of your tedious tasks and needed fresh air.
The gazebo, as it happens, was positioned in the very centre of the garden, but the angle of the roof hid us from the prying eyes in the king and queen's quarters. Every time, I would arrive first as you awaited an opportune moment to evade your attendants, and I would walk along the circumference of the gazebo so many times that I could practically see groves forming in the wood where I paced. So on edge at the prospect of getting caught that I constantly fell victim to your tickle attacks and was broken out of my daze.
Illicit, unsuspecting, this was the place you had chosen for us to slack off on our daily regime, in place of the childhood dreamland we could no longer reach. But that didn't stop us from acting as if we were children all over again.
Wishing on everyone that you'd be mine, mine
Mine. Nothing has ever been mine. Everything I see, everything I hear, everything I touch had always belonged to the royal family from the moment I was born. Why would you be any different? Why did I fool myself into believing the one thing I wanted most was the one thing I could have?
I knew this. I've known this every afternoon we stole away and every evening we would bide our time out in the garden. Every word exchanged was another word awaiting trial, every forbidden touch was laced with tell-tale traces of guilt.
Guilt that I would have shouldered for as many years as I needed to if it meant I could still see you smile every day in doing so.
Every day until the day of the proclamation. I recall the morning I had been running an errand on behalf of my mother, retrieving the new batch of wool to the palace when I had been stopped by a royal guard who forcefully ushered me into a crowd. Only soon did I discover what all the commotion was about.
The king's crier, demanding silence on the podium, read out the latest proclamation: the princess is hereby betrothed to the prince of the neighbouring kingdom in an effort to make amends in the ongoing war.
You, my soul companion and kindred spirit, traded off like a bargaining chip. Us, fading like ashes to the wind, a long-standing illusion shattered.
And I see forever in your eyes
I couldn't bear to look into your eyes for days, weeks after. I didn't know how long I could keep up this act of ignoring the waterfalls of dandelion seeds outside my window, knowing how much you must have needed to hand to hold now more than ever.
But for once princess, forgive me for being selfish. If I couldn't stand to be apart from you for a mere couple of weeks then how would I ever endure the remainder of my life alone while you were gone away in someone else's abode?
Until finally, I knew I had to see you one last time on our own terms. It was a breezy autumn morning when you were interrupted by a knock on the door. Crimson leaves invited themselves inside your quarters as you absentmindedly gazed out the open window, the distinctly lost look in your eyes more noticeable than ever - at least to me.
"Your Highness, the Royal Seamster is here to see you," blurted your attendant who scurried away as soon as you let me inside.
With one unsteady hand, I closed the door behind me while the other gripped the measuring tape so tight the metal bit into my palm. All the while, my gaze was fixed downward, not only out of respect for your title. Each moment ticked by painfully with neither of us garnering the courage to address the elephant in the room. Distance had turned us into cowards.
At last, I spoke up before the stretch of silence between us grew irreversible. Heaving a shaky deep breath, and then, "Your Royal Highness-"
"Jeongin, please," you cried, "don't call me that." It was like something inside of you snapped at the sound of my voice. Something long since ignored, begging to be heard. "Don't- Don't make this harder for me."
It was the first time I heard your voice crack. At this, my head snapped up to meet your eyes. Oh, how I had missed peering into them, as if in doing so, I could untangle all of life's mysteries if I looked long enough, most of them involving you. This time, they were brimming with tears that threatened to spill over and break the royal facade.
I wanted to close the gap immediately. I wanted to stride across these horridly cold stone floors that confined you for so many years and shield you in my arms. I wanted to hold you and stop time for as long as you needed until you were ready to face this cruel, unjust world again, together.
But all I was allowed was one step forward. Just close enough so I could reach for your hand and cradle it in my own. I forced myself to focus only on the slender curves of your fingers and nails, perfected to the point of flawlessness in the absence of soil.
The contact immediately transported me back to the sweet scent of summer, weaving between rows of dandelions under the impartial sky. Was it wishful thinking to assume you felt the same? With your hand now relaxed and intertwined in mine, it was delusional of me to hope that nothing had changed at all, wasn't it? The simple fact I know all too well is that this may be the last time I have the opportunity to hold you like this again.
"If I may have one final request," I began gently, bowing as I lifted your hand midway. "Would you grant me the honour to make your wedding dress?" One last kiss was all I was allowed, delicately planted atop your hand. The moment was over too soon, yet I still lingered, my forehead resting against your knuckles in hopes of hiding the rising sob in my throat.
And so, you wept, fists bunching up the fabric of your satin dress, livid tears painting glistening trails through your makeup and splattering on the cobblestone floor.
I feel okay when I see you smile
If this were a fairytale, I would fly us far, far until I could rid you of all the ugly things in this world that dared to steal your smile. But this was not. I could do nothing but hold you at arm's length because that was all the space that was permitted for us to coexist.
(...)
Snowflakes fall outside my workshop as wedding bells ring in the distance. The Prince had requested a winter wedding at the start of the New Year to celebrate "a prosperous beginning for the merging of the two kingdoms."
I can think of nothing more opposite to everything I had known of your radiant glow than a stolid winter wedding. In defiance, I had designed your wedding dress to be a cotton candy myriad of the dusk warm. The chiffon ballgown was pigmented blush and peach, which then fades to periwinkle at the bottom. Hopefully, the lace dandelion patterns I had sewn to the sweetheart neckline could make up for how transitory the real ones were. But however ephemeral they are, nothing could capture the magic of blowing one into the breeze, just as how pure white could never encapsulate your vivacity.
Even after months of handcrafting the gown myself, no amount of time was enough to prepare for the inevitable scene of watching you walk down the aisle, as stunning as I'm sure you are in it.
Instead, I sit by my half-open window taking a well-deserved rest, head propped up on my arm as I mindlessly spectate the winter fall. But something glints off the corner of my eye and out of curiosity, I reach down into the blanket of snow and pluck it from the frozen grass.
To my astonishment, it is a dandelion, presumably one that fell from your flower pot upstairs. The ghost of a smile passes my lips as a burst of nostalgia hits me with an idea. I purse my lips in preparation and repeat the wish in my head. And then, I blow.
Dandelion into the wind you go
Won't you let my darling know?
Slowly, the dandelion seeds stray in a draught blowing in the direction of the very same church that is presently declaring you someone else's.
Remember how I never told you what I wished for that day on the hill, Y/N? Back then, I had wanted to stay by your side forever, but growing up is realizing not all of your wishes would come true in the same way you might imagine. And I suppose, mine would have to manifest in a different way than I had envisioned.
Across mountains, across rivers, may the remnants of my love be carried to you no matter the distance that stretched between us. Perhaps if I do this enough times, I shall finally empty myself of all the feelings I held so dear to my heart after all these years. But for now princess, I merely await as a fox in our dandelion sea.
...
A/N: Originally this concept was conceived with Seungmin in mind but then when I thought of incorporating the Dandelion motif, Jeongin came to mind. And along with him came all these images of childhood experiences and summer love and wistfulness which made all of this was such a pleasure to write.
I frequently include allusions in my work but this one especially has a looot of references, so I'll give a cookie to anyone who can point them all out. Hint: they're not all skz references, some from another artist and one reference in particular to a game.
But of course, the most obvious one would be the song "Dandelions" by Ruth B. I just had to write this because I couldn't get the song out of my head, it's so magical.