Kabanata 36: Is It Okay?
I finally arrived to Canada with a heavy heart. Even though my Grandfather and Grandmother gave me their warmest welcomes, my mind was still occupied with the overwhelming events that happened in my life.
Hindi ako naging masaya. Aaminin ko.
And my grandparents were completely bothered with it lalo na nang magsimula na akong pumasok sa isang eskwelahan sa Canada. I experienced different kinds of discrimination because most of the students that I encountered are Canadians.
This is the reason why I had thoughts that I won't be able to survive in Canada again. I wanted to give up pero tinanong ko ang sarili ko, saan naman ulit ako tatakbo? I have no cards left that's why I decided to be strong.
And I'm lucky that I finally found another group of people that I can count on.
I met Filipino students who were studying in the same school as mine. Magkakaiba kami ng grade level but our group still clicked because of our similarities with each other. Nagkakasundo kami palagi sa mga pagkain at mga memories that we tried to reminisce while living in the Philippines.
"Anong pinaka-namimiss niyo sa Pilipinas mga pre?" Christian said while were eating lunch. "Ako kasi yung mga tagpipisong chichirya eh. Sinubukan kong maghanap sa stores dito sa Canada pero wala talaga akong nakita."
Christian was the youngest in our group. Nasa grade 11 pa lang siya and he looks like the flower boy type. Matagal ng nag-aabroad ang mama at papa niya that's why when they saved enough money, kinuha na nila si Christian sa Pilipinas kasama ang lola niya na ilang taong nag-alaga sa kanya.
"Chichirya? Yan yung namimiss mo Christian?" Zach said before laughing hideously. "Wala ka na bang ibang naisip bukod diyan?"
Zach is just on the same age and grade as mine. Siya ang pinakapalabiro at pinakamapang-asar sa grupo. He was biracial, half Pinoy-half Canadian. Naanakan at iniwan lang ang Mama niya ng Papa niyang Canadian but after a few years, his Dad came back and brought them to Canada to pay for what he have done before.
"Gago. That's what I really miss in the Philippines at walang masama dun." Christian just gave Zach a deadly look before rolling his eyes like a gay.
Leonard, the oldest member of the group finally interrupted before Zach could say something para asarin nanaman si Christian.
"Hoy hoy hoy mga pre. Tama na nga yan. Pag-aawayan niyo pa ba ang maliit na bagay tulad nito? Mga bata pa ba kayo?"
Leonard was on the same grade as Zach and me pero mas matanda siya ng isang taon sa amin. He stopped schooling way back in primary school for a year because he had difficulties in adjusting to the new environment. Siya ang pinakamatagal ng nandito sa Canada and he can speak Cantonese fluently already.
"Let's continue with our topic. Ano ba kasing namimiss mo sa pinas Zach?'
"Siyempre yung mga ka-classmate kong babae na nagtitilian at halos mahimatay sa hallway kapag-"
All of us lifted our glasses and gave him a warning na bubuhasan namin siya kapag hindi siya umayos. Tinignan niya kami isa-isa, let out a heavy sigh before munching on his food.
"Kayo talaga. Masyado kayong mga seryoso!" Binalik namin ang mga baso namin and continue to eat the food on our plates. "Yung mga streetfoods talaga sa labas ng eskwelahan yung namimiss ko. Piso isang fishball pero palihim kang nagnanakaw ng isa para panalo!"
All of us gave horrified looks to Zach and attempted to grab our glasses again but he slapped our hands immediately. He said that we should calm down dahil nagbibiro nanaman siya sa part na yun. Hindi nalang namin siya pinansin at humarap kay Leonard na siya namang magshishare.
"Ako naman mga pare, namimiss ko yung dagat sa Pinas. Iba pa rin kasi talaga yung dagat dun kung ikukumpara mo sa mga dagat dito." Leonard said before turning his head towards me. "Ikaw Hanson? Anong namimiss mo sa Pilipinas?"
Napahinto kaagad ako sa pagkain after hearing what he said. Ano nga bang namimiss ko sa Pilipinas? Obviously it would be my friends, Mama and her, my Sunshine.
"Wala naman akong namimiss. I'm contented with everything that I experienced before kaya hindi ko nalang yun masyadong iniisip."
The three of them showed both confused and at the same time concerned faces. I never opened up with them about what happened while I was in the Philippines and I never got the strength to do so.
Natatakot ako na baka I judge nila ako dahil sa ginawa ni Dad. Natatakot ako na mawalan ulit ng kaibigan at kakampi sa mga bagay. Natatakot akong maging outcast because of what my stupid Father did.
That's why I never shared a word about that horrible nightmare.
Our classes finally ended and I was in crisis for thinking about what should I take up in college. Gusto kong maging psychologist since elementary pa ako, the passion inside me started right after my mother's accident.
Dinala ako ni Papa sa isang psychologist after I was lost. I was in deep shock because of discovering that my mother died while trying to finding me. I kept on blaming myself but my Doctor continuously helped me not to blame myself anymore.
I got cured by my Doctor and I could say that he's a superhero. Kaya naman nainspired ako and told myself that I'll definitely become a psychologist in the future. But after those sessions, I broke down again. Bumalik ang breakdown ko because of Dad na naging alcoholic and kept on saying bad words to me.
Akala ko mababaliw na talaga ako ng tuluyan but my doctor brought light inside me again. He made me stronger and gave me a magic-like trick that helped me hold on:
"Hanson, make your father's words into light while make yourself as a transparent glass. Everytime his light shines on you, it will only pass and be seen on the back of the glass. Wag kang magpaapekto sa kahat ng sinasabi ng Daddy mo at palampasin lang. Pwede kang umiyak pero pagkatapos ng ilang oras, babawi ka at hahanap ng reason para maging masaya."
Dr. Lomocso was really good with his job. I wanted to be like him but I was having doubts like what if hindi ko kayanin ang pagdodoctor? What if hindi ako makakapasa?
So I tried asking the people who know me. I tried asking my friends and all of them gave me thumbs up and gave me motivational words to pursue Psychology. Kahit nga si Zach ay hindi nagloko, and just said that I should try taking up an exam in the University of Toronto.
"Kaya mo yan pre! Ikaw pa?" Christian said before gaving me a quick massage on my shoulders.
"Ni hindi ko nga narinig na nagsabi kang hindi mo maintindihan yung mga lessons natin eh." Leonard said while laughing.
"Kaya i-try mo na yung exams sa UT. Panigurado, lalampasuhin mo lahat ng mga Canadian dito pre."
I also asked Kuya Kiko who still drives me to school. May ilang mga racket din siya dito sa Canada habang hindi pa ako nagpapasundo or si Lolo at Auntie sa company. Natuwa agad siya ng marinig ang sinabi ko and also motivated me to try.
"Wala namang masama kung itatry mo. Malay mo? Yan talaga yung para sayo hindi ba?"
I smiled before slightly nodding. Hindi ko na rin napigilan at tinanong ko rin si Lolo at Auntie to get their opinions.
"Lolo, Auntie, Do you think I'll be suitable for a job in the medical field?"
They are the ones who'll help me with my tuition in college that's why I should also consult them. Gusto ko munang malaman if they also believe in me and if they could afford years for my study.
"I think that would be amazing, apo!" Lolo said before smiling widely and looking towards Auntie Marie. "Napakatalino talaga nitong si Hanson, Marie. Kita mo at naisipang mag doctor?"
"Oo nga Dad. Kaya gastusan mo na tong si Hanson! So that we could finally have a doctor in our family!"
Napangiti ako habang tinitignan si Lolo at Auntie na gumawa ng plano para sa akin. They don't even care about our family business na pwede kong mapabayaan kapag nagdoctor ako. They were all support with my decisions and I'm thankful for that.
Before I slept that night, I fixed my camera on a tripod and reached the frame on my table. It contains one of my teasures, the picture of Sunshine that I captured during our shooting for the film. Halata ang gulat niya sa picture na to but she still looked so damn perfect.
I started talking to her photograph like an idiot while my camera's on. Palagi ko ng ginagawa ang pagkuha ng video since dumating ako sa Canada while thinking na si Sunshine ang kausap ko sa camera. And it somehow eased my mind and distracted me from all the difficult things that I faced.
"Naalala ko yung sa Lachlane, Sunshine. You saw my wish on the paper when we came to San Carlos. I wished that I'll stay by your side forever and ever but I wasn't able to do it anymore." I caressed her face on the frame while smiling bitterly.
"I wrote another wish of mine on that paper and you were happy and excited of my future. Hindi ko alam kung ganun pa rin ang mararamdaman mo ngayon but I should atleast ask this question to you if ever I get the courage to talk to you." I bit my lip and looked at the camera's lens.
"Will I make you proud if I'll become a psychologist?"
I took my exams in the University of Toronto and other popular universities in Canada along with my friends. I graduated as a valedictorian that made my Lolo boast and throw a party on our house with his employees, some of my classmates, and friends.
During our summer break, we finally received responses from the schools. I was still nervous in checking the letters even if I'm confident that I did great in all the exams. In case that I failed, I prepared a great plan B that would not only help me but also my Lolo.
But I guess my Plan B will only become a part of a history.
Nakatanggap ako ng limang letters saying that I am qualified from all the universities. Leonard received four, Christian with two while Zach with only one. He cried and got drunk for the first time because he was not able to pass on the university that he was rooting for.
"Magiging palaboy nalang ako mga pare. I'll just sit on the sidewalks and ask for money from people who can appreciate my looks. Maghahanap nalang din ako ng sugar mommy kung-"
"Manahimik ka na nga!" The three of us said in unison that made him quiet before he drinks from his glass again.
"Grabe talaga kayo sa akin." Zach cries hard again like a gay. "Pababagsalin ko talaga lahat ng mga schools niyo, makikita niyo."
The three of us just laughed at him before we became busy with our drinks again.
Plano na sana naming umuwi nang makita naming lasing na lasing na si Zach when a group of girls suddenly approached us. They were all Asians at napansin daw nila kami because we kinda look similar to them.
Being a gentleman, Leonard told them to share the table with us. The tallest of the girls chose to sit beside the him. She introduced herself as Jinri Choi later on, a half Korean-half American.
Another one sat beside Christian who blushed immediately because of the Vietnamese girl. She introduced herself as Lien Nguyen. Then, the girl who sat beside Zach was a Thai who goes with the name Kannika Saetang.
"Hi. Mga Pilipino kayo diba?" I almost spit my drink on the girl beside me when she talked. "I'm sorry. Nagulat ka ba?"
Hinampas ko ang dibdib ko and breathed in an out for a few times. I didn't notice that another girl was with them at umupo pala ito agad sa tabi ko. She was like a cat who can walk with no sound and no presence at all.
"I'm sorry. Hindi naman sa nagulat pero..." I coughed before looking at her. "Kanina ka pa ba nakaupo diyan?"
"Mga 10 seconds pa lang naman. Inunahan ko kasi silang makatabi sayo kaya umupo agad ako bago pa sila makapagpaalam."
Natulala ako when her eyes squinted as she chuckled. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nakita ko sa kanya si Sunshine for that split second. Hindi ko naman maitatanggi na magkamukha sila and they seem to have the aura in common.
"Marami talagang nagugulat sa akin and I'm sorry kung isa ka na dun. Mahiyain kasi ako at napakatahimik pero madaldal talaga ako kapag nakilala mo na ako." She smiled before lending her hand in front of me. "I'm Moon Torres. Moon as in buwan ha? Ikaw anong pangalan mo?"
She talks so fast na nagpaalala nanaman sakin kay Sunshine. Why do they have a lot in common? Or my mind just made an illusion because of how badly I missed her?
"I'm Prince Hanson Miranda." I accepted her hand and shook hands with her. "You can call me Hanson."
"Hanson? Ang unique naman ng name mo. Kasing unique ng pangalan ko." My eyes widened and I almost dropped my glass on the floor when she leaned her face closer to me. "I want to take things slow pero siguro, bagay tayo."
I met the sun before and now, I met the moon who wanted to open my doors for her.
Getting in a relationship with Moon happened so swiftly. There was something different about our connection that's why she insisted that we should give it a proper label.
Moon is really charming and beautiful. Every man could easily fall not just for her looks but also for her down to earth personality. She could easily make any person her friend during the first time
I was only attracted to Moon but maybe because she has so many similarities to Sunshine. We decided to become lovers even if I really don't love her that much kaya pakiramdam ko tuloy, napakasama kong tao for being in a relationship with her only for that reason.
"I love you Hanson!"
My heart ached when Moon smiled at me and tiptoed to kiss me on my lips. Hindi ko siya nasasagot everytime she says those words dahil natatakot akong marinig niya ang tono ko.
We've been together for a year and when it was already the day for our anniversary, I decided to bring her on a beach to surprise her. She was really happy that I put so much effort for a very special day but her smile slowly faded nang maiuwi ko na siya sa bahay nila.
"I really appreciate your efforts Hanson pero naiintindihan ko naman kung gusto mo ng tapusin to." Moon extended her hand to reach my face. "I know that you have someone else in your heart but I still forced to break in."
"Moon..."
"Hindi naman ako tanga Hanson. You never kissed back in all the kisses that we've shared. You never responded to my I love yous. You never looked at me the same way that I do kaya naiintindihan ko."
Moon gently caressed my cheeks. I felt a pang on my chest when I saw how hurt she is while saying those words.
"Alam kong may mahal ka na pero paulit-ulit kong pinipilit ang sarili ko sayo. But I still appreciate how you stayed beside me for a year. And I'm more than willing to stay with you up to the end kahit na hindi na maging tayo."
Tears started escaping from Moon's eye which made me pull her closer to mine. She became of the most important persons in my life simula ng talikuran ako ng mga kaibigan ko. Kaya hindi ko kakayaning basta-basta nalang sirain ang connection sa pagitan namin.
"I'm sorry Moon. I tried my best to love you but she still holds this special place in my heart." I kissed her cheeks before wiping the last tears from it.
"Sunshine Ortiz diba? The girl who resembles me that much." I nodded before hugging her again. "I hope I could meet her in the future para masabi ko sa kanya kung gaano mo siya kamahal that you used me as your rebound."
"I didn't treat you as my rebound, Moon. You were more than a friend." Moon pouted before she reached for my lips.
"Oo nga. Friendzone na." She fixed my hear before cupping my cheeks. "So we should still be friends after this, okay? Kailangan mo pa akong tulungan sa pag-aaral ko! Atsaka ayoko ng mga ilang-ilangan o iwasan ha? This should mark a happy break up for both of us."
I smiled, nodded before pinching her cheeks.
"Thank you Moon. I'm so lucky to have you."
Naging maayos naman kami ni Moon pagkatapos ng araw na yun. Parang walang nagbago sa interaction naming dalawa and I'm glad that she was really cool with our break up.
I was already on my second year in the University of Toronto nang makipagvideo call ako kay Mama. She was happy that I finally connected back to her. But my forehead creased for a moment when I noticed that her voice was raspy at mugto ang mga mata niya like she just cried.
"Is there any problem, Mama?"
Mama stopped clapping her hands while her smile slowly changed into a sad one. Para siyang iiyak ulit but she tried so hard to hold her tears back.
"W-Wala naman Hanson. Don't worry about me. I'm just having a hard time at with-" She hesitated with the next words that she's about to say. "-with work... Mahirap na kasing makahanap ng mga ipapublish na books ngayon lalo nat patok na ang ebooks online."
Mama immediately bid her goodbyes next that made me end the call. There was something wrong with her kaya hindi ko mapigilang i-contact si King na wala namang idea. I also tried calling Ouie even if I know that he's mad at me and I proved it right when he ended my call immediately after introducing myself.
"Sino pa bang tatawagan ko?"
I bit my lip before scrolling into my contacts and found Duke's number in it. I've noticed on his social media accounts that he became closer with Sunshine. I think he'll be one of the most perfect friend that I should approach.
"Hello Duke? It's me, Hanson-"
"Masaya ka na ba?" Nagsalubong ang mga kilay ko with Duke's question.
"Duke? I don't understand why you're asking me this question. May nangyayari ba-?"
"Maraming nangyari at nagbago pagkatapos mong umalis kaya wag ka ng magtanong Hanson. Kung masaya ka na sa buhay mo diyan sa Canada, kalimutan mo na kami. Don't you ever contact me again dahil hindi ko na kayang makipag-usap sa isang taong katulad mo."
Nahulog ko ang cellphone ko sa sahig as my tears fell one by one.
Napakarami kong isinakripisyo after that horrible incident. My friends, my lover, and my future with her.
But despite of these things, I was still motivated to give my best and move forward. I wanted them to see that I didn't want all of these things to happen and to prove that I'm not a horrible person...
...like my Dad.
"Prince Hanson Miranda from the Department of, Summa Cum Laude."
I smiled as I receive my diploma and medal from the University of Toronto's Dean. I stood infront of all the students who clapped their hands for me but something was still missing.
"Why are you giving me a Resignation Letter, Dr. Miranda?" I smiled before giving a bow to the Director.
"I decided to go back to the Philippines already, Dr. Wong. I've been claiming success for the past years here in Canada but a part of me was still missing. And I hope that I could find that missing part back in my hometown." Dr. Wong's worried faced slowly turned into a smile.
"Correct me if I'm wrong but you already want to settle down, right?" I give the Doctor Wong a shy smile.
"That's not included in my plans because I need to fix many things. But I just hope that someone out there is willing to marry me."
"Tons of women will eventually line up for you if you'll say that out loud Hanson." I chuckled before smiling.
"You became of the most excellent doctors here in the hospital at such a young age, Hanson. I remember myself in you but I hope you won't end up with the same destiny as mine." The director stood up and gave me a pat on my shoulders.
"I remembered you saying that I am one of your role models but I think you should not make me as one. I was too focused in my career that I forgot to find a person that I could settle down with. It is lonely to grow old alone throughout your lifetime so do your best to pursue the girl that you love."
I looked at Dr. Wong before smiling. His eyes looked so lonely that suddenly made me sad.
"Always remember that the hospital has its doors open for you, Hanson. But I hope I won't be seeing you anytime soon because I'll sincerely wish for both of your success in life and love in your home country."
Habang inaayos ko ang mga gamit ko sa hospital, hindi ko mapigilang isipin ang mga sinabi ni Dr. Wong kanina. It must be really sad when you're alone in life. At katulad nga ng sinabi niya, sana ay hindi ako matulad sa kanya.
Sunshine...
I still have my hopes that I could fix our friendship but is it okay if I'll ask for more?