Did that just happen to me? I thought, staring at my reflection. Technically it wasn't me. It was Rani's body. It shouldn't matter.
But...my face crumpled at the image of Dhruv looking at me naked. I covered my face with my hands and squealed into them. I could feel my cheeks burning despite having run my whole body under ice-cold water. That was the most embarrassing thing I had ever been through in my twenty-three years of existence.
Stop being so silly, I told myself. This wasn't my body to be worried about! That would have been a lot worse. Since I was in Rani's body, though, everything that happened, everything that I saw felt a lot like it was happening to me. I tried convincing myself, repeating these words like a prayer.
I pulled down the hem of the baby pink pyjama shorts that was riding too high to be comfortable.
How was I going to face him now?! What would he say or think? Was this normal? He did mention it was normal. "Of course it was," I mumbled as I hesitated out the bathroom door. "We are married. Husband and wife. This is very normal." I think. I didn't know. I wouldn't know. The very last thing on my mind before any of this was men and marriage.
Except for maybe Dr Arshan who was the only man that was not related to me that could count. Not romantically, of course. That would be weird. For him. I shook my head, the damp tendrils wrapping themselves around my neck and cheek before I flicked them away. I shivered, and I could see that the thin pink satin blouse did nothing to hide the goosebumps appearing on my bare arms. Being dressed like this made me feel naked.
He's already seen you naked, that irritating voice said to me and I squealed aloud and shook my head back and forth with a force that I never knew I had before. No, I had to stop thinking about that. That image needed to be put in the mind bin before I burned myself with just the image. I had to think of something else.
My body. Or Rani's body flattered every outfit in her closet. I should be trying on everything, using this to my advantage as Rani was doing. I couldn't. I wanted to reach out and go through every pair of shoes I had never been able to wear, lined up, waiting to be picked but I couldn't go through with it. My heart didn't thud with the excitement I hoped it would.
All I wanted to do was sleep and hide until this nightmare was over. Staring at Rani—me—staring right back at me, making movements that I was making only made it more real. I would never get used to being in this body. I wished for this to come true and yet, I wasn't happy at all.
Was Rani really happy in my body? Why? I thought with a sigh. Had she seen my body and judged it? She did say I needed to wax...I could picture her showering in my body and her making faces—No, no, don't think about that, I blushed. The humiliation! Now not only had Dhruv seen me technically naked but Rani had seen actual me naked! This thought made me want to cower. I shook my head for the tenth time that day. No, it wasn't a weakness because I saw her body, too.
It was only natural.
I finally decided to leave the dreaded bathroom before any more creepy, judgemental thoughts came about. I poked my head out from the gap between the door and the wall and looked around the dark grey carpeted hall.
There was no one in sight.
Good, I thought. I grabbed the clothes that needed to be put in the wash, hurried into the laundry and put all the clothes in the machine before hurrying down. I was curious—had Dhruv eaten the food that I'd made? I hadn't made so much in one day in a long time and I forgot how much it hurt the lower back. No matter how many times I tried to twist from side to side, it didn't help. I could only imagine how much pain Dhruv was in if he did that every day.
I walked past the living room and the dining table and saw no one there. More importantly, the food I had made as well as my sticky note were both untouched. I went to turn around when I saw that there was a little nook behind the staircase that I hadn't noticed before. What is this house, a mansion!? I thought. It wasn't that big but it was bigger than any normal house I had ever seen...that is, on TV.
There was a small black bookshelf lined up against the wall; it was small because of the narrow space but it was beautiful. There were so many books, tall and short, thick and thin--one stood out to me. The Climb. He had that book, too! I grabbed it out from between two books and flipped through it, not noticing someone had stepped up.
"You're out—"
I screamed and pressed myself against the bookcase. I hadn't expected Dhruv to be there even if I had been searching for him. He had a book in his hand and gave me a look that read I was going crazy. I stood there with my book against my chest for longer than necessary before straightening up and making sure nothing from the shelf had fallen.
"I'm scaring you one too many times," he said.
"I-I'm sorry—" I cut myself off at his frown. "I didn't mean to scream. I wasn't expecting you to jump out like that."
"I should be the one saying sorry." The stilted conversation died off as he went back to flipping through the book in his hand, focused on the words on the page. I pointed to the one in my hand and beamed at him.
"You like The Climb, too?" He nodded, wordlessly. "It's my favourite book of all time. I've recently gotten into non-fiction because of a colleague," I added when his gaze narrowed disbelievingly, glancing from it to me.
"The Climb's one of my favourites," he mumbled.
"It's scary how life can change in a matter of minutes. Did they know that was going to be their last few minutes alive? And the fact that this was a true story makes it even worse."
"It makes it even more interesting," he said. "Have you read Into Thin Air?"
"That's the controversial one about the same event, right?"
He leaned against the bookshelf, regarding me for a long while. "I didn't think you liked reading. You thought I was wasting time."
I knew what to say to this! "You have started to change my mind on a lot of things." He didn't respond, turning back to his book. Had I said something wrong? I stood beside him idly before gesturing to the food.
"Are you not hungry?"
"I already ate, actually." He paused, then added almost reluctantly, "Did you...make that yourself?"
I beamed at him. "I did! I hoped it would be to your liking so hopefully, you can eat it tomorrow and let me know how it is."
He closed his book and put it back in between two books, giving me a side-long glance. "I'm starting to get confused." Oh no. "You're reading and now, cooking, too? Is that normal with memory losses?"
I spluttered out something--anything. "Youtube videos on cooking have helped. I know how much you love cooking, too, so I wanted to learn. This way I can repay the kindness you show me and we can maybe cook together, too."
I hoped my words displayed sincerity. An expression of shock lit up across Dhruv's face that only stayed there for a brief moment before it flattened again. He responded with a low 'hmm' as if he was having a hard time believing me but did so because there was no other option. Not wanting to be questioned further, I jumped in to say, "I'll go wrap the food and put it in the fridge."
His lips twitched as he forced a smile. "Thanks." He headed in the direction of the stairs as I went toward the dining table.
I stopped him. "Where are you going? Don't you want to watch a movie or—or something?" Did I sound as awkward as I felt? How did women speak to men?
"Maybe tomorrow. I'm a little tired," he said, that painted smile still there. He went to turn but then stopped and I brightened up. Maybe he had changed his mind! Instead, he said, "I got a job as an animal attendant so I might not be able to make you anything for dinner starting from tomorrow. I'll have lunch prepared befor—"
He worked? "No, that's okay. Please, don't push yourself for me. I can cook all the food myself so you should focus on your own job." Silence. "You work as an animal attendant?"
"I just got the job the other day."
That explained his absence, I thought. "Congratulations! Maybe you can take the food I made for you to eat for lunch." He only smiled. Before I could say anything else to stop him, he went up and disappeared behind our door. I sank into the dining chair and put my head in my hands.
Even though I wasn't an expert on marriages or relationships or men, this wasn't right. This wasn't the way I was picturing things to go. Were things between them that bad?
I had a lot of work to do if fixing this was the way to get back.