A month had passed since your talk with Clint who drove home the very next day. Today he would come back and you waited in the Lobby downstairs.
While waiting you thought about Hydra and their threat to get all the codes in just a day but you knew they weren't going to kill you. Having a soldier of their team in the enemy line was something they could never achieve again, so you tried to buy as much time as possible, hoping the Avengers would find a way to help you. You gave Hydra a few codes already but nothing of importance because you swore yourself to not give out anything useful to them. On the other hand, you were thinking about giving away the entrance code since they could get in anyways just with way more chaos.
Wondering what Natasha's room code might be, something caught your attention. Well, actually it was the other way around because Clint was standing a few meters away staring at you.
"Are you okay?", he asked and came closer. "Yeah...", you answered still a bit lost in your head. "Y/N?", Clint asked and you just now realized that it was Clint in front of you, the sudden realization made you blush. "Sorry! I was just thinking about something", you apologized and Clint chuckled. "It's okay. Wanna go upstairs?" "Sure", you answered and headed to the elevator.
"So.... how was it?" Clint smiled before answering: "It was great seeing them for such a long time." But now his smile faded and turned into a slightly sad face. "You should do it more often, I feel like it would benefit all of you and we're also getting along without you for a bit." "I wouldn't bet on that", he scoffed and grinned, "Without me, you'd be missing the most powerful Avenger." "That's not true and you know it", you said laughing. "Yeah, you're right. Nat is and will ever be the best." You nodded still laughing and the elevator door opened.
"No, but for real. We can manage a few weeks without you. Your family needs you and you need them." For a second you could see the sadness in his face but he hid it fast. "Barton!", Natasha called happily and gave Clint a strong hug. "I hope your family was good to you and you are ready for new missions", Nat said to him with a smile. "Of course, you know me", he replied.
"EQ8, your mission", the voice in your head said. You suppressed a sigh and walked over to the kitchen, beginning to make coffee as soon as you arrived. "I didn't forget", you said not too loud. "What didn't you forget?", someone asked from behind which scared you and made you turn around. "Goddamn! Don't... god... Don't ever do that again!", you said panting, holding your flat hand on your chest. "I was here first kiddo", Tony said chuckling while eating his sandwich. "Don't eat and talk", you said and Tony rolled his eyes. "I saw that!", you complained but Tony just laughed again and put his sandwich down. Yet his laugh abruptly stopped and you felt your body tensing up. "What didn't you forget, y/n?", he asked again. "Nothing special. Just, you know", you turned around and grabbed the mug, "how to make coffee." "Sure", he said skeptically but stayed quiet after that.
You grabbed your coffee and headed to your room but Natasha stopped you midway. "Wanna go to my room instead?", she asked with a smile. "Sure", you said smiling back and you both went to her room.
You sat down on her bed, facing the window wall and drank your coffee. "I am happy that you're able to do that now", she said smiling and nodded to your mug. You smiled back and thought about Hydra again, wondering what her room code was.
"What's wrong?", she asked. "I'm fine, don't worry", you said and sipped from your cup again. "Miss Romanoff, Mister Stark is asking for you", F.R.I.D.A.Y said suddenly. "Just go, it's okay", you said with a shy smile and both of you left the room.
Watching her running down the hallway you thought what her code might be and you tried some random numbers but nothing worked. "No way she would...", you whispered in disbelief and tried your birthday.
Click.
"It... worked." The door was open now and you closed it right away, trying out the code one more time.
Click.
"She... my..."
After closing the door you headed to your room and closed the door behind you, sliding down until you sat in front of it.
'If I tell this Hydra they will make things way worse for us... No way I should tell them', you thought. "EQ8, we want new information. Now!", the voice in your head said. "I don't... I don't have anything." "We've heard you when you managed to open one of the doors." A slight headache began. "No food for five days. What is the code and what is it for?" The headache got worse. "I don't...", you began, holding your head. "7 days no food." "I..." "I feel like you need a bit of motivation", the voice said and you could hear a smile through it. A bad pain in your whole body began and images of being strapped on a surgical table appeared. "No... please", you begged and more images popped up. Injections. Operations without anesthesia. Pain. "The code EQ8." "No... no...", you said crying. "Einsam, Untergang, Verfolgung, Acht, Empathie", the voice began and you screamed, hitting your ears because the voice couldn't be canceled out by pressing your hands against them. "Frei, Zehn, gewollt, Fall, Winter." You stopped. "Ready to comply."
"Y/N!", you heard far away but couldn't really see what was going on. "Y/N, stop!" "Be a good girl and kill him", a man's voice said. "Copied", you heard yourself saying. "Y/n don't. It's me. Clint. Don't you remember me?" 'Clint...?' "You sound like it would make a difference", you said laughingly. "Y/n, you're not yourself. We will work this out, just... don't do anything wrong now, okay?" You began to see some colours but everything was blurry.
You heard grunting noises and felt a sudden pain in your arm. "Give up, Barton. This is nothing", you said. "I'm not even trying", he replied. You heard someone crying but didn't know where it came from.
"Y/n! No!", Clint yelled and something strangled you. You heard a thud and a grunt, then the crying got louder. "It's okay, y/n, I know it's not you. Don't be harsh on yourself later", Natasha said and tried to sound tough. But she wasn't. You could hear how broken she was.
The vision got clearer and you found yourself holding a knife at Natasha's throat. Immediately you dropped it and stepped back. "Oh, god... oh, god... oh, god... I'm... I..."
You saw a little cut on her throat, blood coming out of it and a big blood spot on her belly that seemed to get bigger.
"EQ8, finish already. We don't have much time!" "They're dead, boss, but more people are on their way", you lied. "Good girl. Act like one of us did that and you tried to help but came too late." "Copied." "Our team is gone any moment. Just stay there." "Understood."
When you saw that the last person had left the tower you slumped down crying, noticing all the blood on your hands and clothes.
"What... what happened here?!", Stark asked from behind, "Are you okay, y/n?" He came closer but when he saw all the blood on you he stepped back. "You...", he stopped and looked over to Natasha and Clint. You didn't move an inch nor did you say anything.
"Y/n, what happened?", he asked cautiously, "Was it... you?" A tear rushed down your cheek. "What have you done...", Tony said horrified. "Mister Stark it looks like-", the boy's voice stopped. "Don't come closer kiddo. Get help. Maybe even code green", Tony commanded. "I can just", the boy said and suddenly you felt tied up. It was triggering you but the shock was still too big so even with your panic you didn't do anything. "Parker! I said don't and you do it anyway? Is it puberty? Get! Help!"
A few minutes later you heard Bruce's voice behind you. "Y/n", he began and waited a second, "are you y/n?" You didn't react. "Are the webs triggering you?", he asked and you barely nodded. "I'm going to come closer slowly and will cut them for you, okay?" A tear ran down your cheek and he took it as a yes.
He did as he said but you didn't change your position, still looking at your hands in horror. More tears were rushing down now.
"If you attack us, I won't be easy on you, so better don't do anything."
He was only a few steps away from you and you knew that he was just this close because he couldn't get killed. Meanwhile Peter and Tony were each carrying a body inside.
"We're alone now", Bruce said, "you can't hurt anyone here."
He waited for you to do anything but you didn't. "Y/n, please say something." You looked up for the first time now and he tried to smile at you but it looked like a weird grimace.
"It's safe here", he added and you scoffed. "You are y/n, right?" You scoffed again and laughed, shaking your head. "You think it's safe here?", you asked and stood up. You felt Bruce tensing up and walked closer to him. "You really think you're safe?", you hissed and grabbed the knife from the floor. "You know that the other guy will interfere." "Will he? Where was he when you almost died? Where I almost killed you?" "Put it away", Bruce warned. "See, you don't believe it yourself. You don't think he will keep you safe." Bruce sighed and looked down.
"I was right", you said and came as close as physically possible. "If you'd be right you wouldn't have gotten that close", he said and you took a step back to look at his whole body. No green.
"What if I...", you said and pressed the tip of the knife slightly against his chest. But he didn't move. "Why aren't you more scared?" "Because you won't hurt me, y/n. Put that away." "Y/n, y/n, y/n,...", you said mockingly and he looked at you skeptically.
Suddenly he punched the knife out of your hand and gave you a strong hug that you couldn't get out of. "I would have never hurt you, y/n. Nor would I have let you hurt yourself. No matter what you would've said", he whispered and you began to cry heavily. "Just... just kill me..." "No... you're one of us. Everything's going to be okay." "I don't deserve being alive... Hydra-" "Don't. Y/n, stop." "Hydra wants-" "Y/N! If you do that we can't be there for you anymore." "They were..." Your body felt so weak suddenly and your legs didn't hold you anymore. "Finally... that took way too long to work...", Bruce said and picked you up.
You woke up with a headache and the images of what you'd done came rushing back. "Natasha... Clint...", you said and the tears ran over your face, "What have I done..." "They are fine, don't worry", Bucky's voice said through speakers. "Fine? Fine?! Nothing's fine! Have you seen them? What I've done?! I have no clue why I am still allowed here." "Because you're family", Bucky answered.
A few seconds later the door opened and he came in, closing the door right behind him. "Hydra's in my head, Bucky. They are giving me commands, for weeks. You know that. They used their technology or whatever to have me under control from afar. Family or not, I am a monster." He sighed. "I'm a monster Bucky!" "So was I!", he yelled back. "Listen... it's rough and there will be times when you think giving up is the best option. But it's not, okay? It's not." "It's too late anyways except they are asleep right now. I don't think they will keep me alive any longer now." "Don't worry about that." "I don't worry. I'm just waiting for them to finally do something." "They won't." "I just told you a secret, no way they'll keep me alive. But it's for the better, for all of us. Don't ruin it. It's better if I am gone. Hydra will use me more and more and one day you won't be able to get me back. Where I won't be able to come back and remember anything. Where it's just EQ8. Just that. They want to take over the Avengers and get into S.H.I.E.L.D. from there. They wanted me to find out all the codes and give them to them and I have no clue what they know now. And... they know how to get to Natasha. So if she's really okay, she won't be soon. Because of me. I just-" "Y/N, it's okay, I get that. But it's not an option, okay? And Hydra is not a threat to you now. Banner and Stark managed to get Hydras stuff out of your body. No pain anymore. No commands." "They...?", your voice broke off and you began to cry heavily. "It's okay... everything is going to be fine...", Bucky tried to comfort you. "Please... don't let me stay alive...", you said through sobs. "It's going to get better. Trust me. And no one's angry at you, okay?" "You said... they removed Hydras...?" Your sobs interrupted your talking. "Yeah", Bucky said and smiled. "But I don't... feel anything." His smile faded and he looked down. "Everything went well, don't worry", he tried to change the path of the conversation. "No. No", you began and tried to get yourself together, "I don't feel pain, I'm not on a... on a monitor or anything. The way they acted, it must have been a complicated operation. No way I would feel this well." Bucky sighed and you knew there was something that they didn't want you to know. "Bucky. I want to know." But he left the room and you cried again.
A while later there were no tears left and you decided to look out for any injuries, scars and whatnot. But nothing was catching your attention.
You looked in the mirror and pulled up your shirt. "There it is..." A red scar that looked not that old marked your back. You stroke your fingers through your hair and noticed a bald spot. Immediately you looked at it closer in the mirror. The hair was already slowly growing back, the scar looked as old as the other one. "How much time passed...?" You tried to open the door but of course, it was locked.
"Bucky! Bucky! Or anyone else, I don't care! I want answers!", you yelled. The door opened and Natasha walked in, going right to your bed and sitting down. "Oh thank god... Are you okay? I am so SO sorry!" "It's okay, y/n. I'm fine. And Clint is as well, he had hit his head when he fell to the ground, so he passed out right away. Nothing serious." "How's your...", you began and looked down to her belly. "I've had worse", she said with a laugh and you sat down next to her. "How's the healing process?", you asked because you knew that she wouldn't answer anything that directly involved you. "The first days were annoying and I still can't train even though it's been a few weeks already. I feel like I'm dying from boredom."
A few weeks. It'd been a few weeks you had no recollection of. You laughed to hide your anxiety and curiosity. "Just try to chill, Nat! Or play video games." "I got pretty well in those", she said a bit serious at first but burst out laughing right after. "Really? Maybe we should play against each other then." "You can play video games?" "Is that an insult? I can do everything! I was born a gamer!" "We'll see!" "I played a lot back then at home. It was my safe place. You won't beat me." "You remember your past?" Natasha's face looked hopeful and happy. You nodded shyly and realized that your life didn't feel that cut off anymore. There was still a lot missing but you finally felt like a person with a past. You just had to rediscover it. "I... have a past", you said smiling. "You do", Natasha said smiling as well, "but... you will remember a lot of bad things as well." "True... What do you know about my past, Nat?", you asked a bit anxious. "We... you shouldn't pressure it, okay? I don't know a lot about what happened before the Avengers but... I know you struggled. Let your brain decide when it's time to remember." She gave a comforting smile and you nodded, resting your head on her shoulder while she softly caressed your cheek.
"Things are going to be fine again, don't worry", Nat whispered. "I don't know... I've done a lot of damage... And I bet even more than I know of right now..."
Natasha didn't say anything, so you thought about the worst.
"We need you redhead", Tony said through the speakers and your head shot up. Your eyes wandered from the speakers to Natasha, meanwhile, Natasha looked at you confused. "I know you need to leave but... please tell me if Tony... is he... and Peter and...?" Your thoughts were all over the place so you weren't able to ask her properly yet she understood nevertheless.
"Peter is fine. You know how he is. Tony... let's say he is still a bit shaken up." You wanted to say something but you tried to hold your tears back and felt your throat tightening, so you simply nodded. Natasha nodded as well and smiled excusing.
When she had left the room the loneliness surrounded you yet you weren't really alone. The guilt, pain and bad thoughts were keeping you company.
"I'm sorry", you whispered and repeated it over and over, getting louder each time until you screamed it.
Eventually, it drained you out and all you could do was sit there emotionless and stared at your reflection in the mirror.
Someone knocked at the door and came in. "I think you need some company", Bucky said and sat next to you, "You know... sitting on the other side of the mirror while you stare at yourself feels pretty weird and intimidating. It's like you see the person sitting there and trying to reach their soul."
You gave him a stern look and burst out laughing. "That was... pretty specific. But to calm you down a bit: I can't reach your soul through that mirror", you said while laughing. He suddenly stood up and put his hands in front of him as if he was trying to tell me to wait. "So you can reach my soul here? Damn... if you reach it please tell me where the hell it's been and call it back to me." Bucky couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out laughing as well.
"Thanks, Buck... I needed that", you said as soon as you calmed down. He gave back a comforting smile, sat down and pulled you closer to him. You listened to his breathing which calmed you down and you almost fell asleep but his voice woke you up right away: "Hey, doll, we'll get through this, okay? I'm here for you." "Doll?" "Too much?" "Oh... no. It's okay, I think. But I never heard that except from... creeps." Bucky inhaled sharply. "I didn't know it's something bad nowadays, I'm sorry. Back then we used to say that pretty often. Like... the way the others say sweety or something." "Oh, I see. Well, as I said: it's okay. I know you're not a creep. Well... as long as we ignore the fact that you probably sit there pretty often." You nodded to the window and meant the room behind it. He scoffed.
You put your legs up on the bed and rested your head on his lap.
A weird thought rushed up in your head while looking at yours and Bucky's reflection: 'We look kinda cute.' Suddenly you remembered when you were going to kill him and how you had kissed him as a distraction. "Oh god", you whispered blushing and shot back up. "What's wrong?" "Oh... uh... I... I uhm..." No excuse came to your mind.
Bucky still looked at you with a worried look on his face.
"What's wrong?", he repeated after a while of silence and stroked a strand of hair behind your ear which made you blush even more. Your heart was racing and the whole situation overwhelmed you.
"I just...", you began and cleared your throat, "remembered something." Bucky's worried face turned into a curious one. "What is it? Nat mentioned something earlier about that as well." "Well... I remembered my home earlier." Bucky frowned. "Oh, no no. It was a good memory", you added and he looked relieved, "it was just about playing video games." "I see. If you remember anything bad, you can always talk to me okay?" "Thank you, Bucky." "And... what did you remember a few minutes ago?", he asked and you hesitated.
"I was... going to uhm... to kill you." You looked down. "Don't worry. You'll never be going to kill me, I'm too good for that", he said and smirked. "That wasn't all of it, was it? Your expression doesn't match with a memory of trying to kill someone. More like", he got very close now, "it was something with the opposite feeling." You pushed him away jokingly and scoffed. "I hate you." "You don't", he said smiling and you laughed because he was right.
"Could you... get me some notebooks or something?" "Do you want to journal?", he asked and you nodded. "Your memories are coming back quite fast", he noticed, "but I'm glad they're not too bad." Bucky stood up, said goodbye and left to get you some notebooks and a pen. You lay in your bed and fell asleep after a while.
Bucky came closer and pulled you into a kiss. "Finally we can be together", he said onto your lips and both of you smiled. "Finally. It was so easy to get rid of her. Just a stab in her abdomen and she died. I thought she was tougher." "Good for us", Bucky said and smiled at you. "Natasha...", you whispered. "Yeah, it's about her", he said and laughed weirdly. "But don't think about her. It's about us", he said and pulled out a knife. "I had the same idea!", you exclaimed and pushed one against his throat. You both laughed but you were the one killing him. Tony appeared and you killed him as well.
After him it was Bruce and suddenly the floor was covered in bloody corpses, the whole Avengers team a part of them.
You looked at your hands which were bloody and wanted to get rid of the knife but you couldn't. So you decided to stab yourself but except the pain you felt, nothing happened. You didn't die. You didn't pass out. Nothing. You panicked and all you wanted was to die but you couldn't. "Let me switch with them! They don't deserve this! I do!", you yelled crying.
"Y/n, wake up! Wake up!", a voice said loudly and someone was shaking you. You grabbed his arm, turned him around and pressed your arm against his throat.
"It's me, Bucky!", he said fast and you let go immediately. "I'm sorry!", you said crying and noticed that your face was already wet when you had attacked him.
"I'm so sorry...", you whimpered. "It's okay, doll", he sat down and gestured for you to sit down next to him, "I knew the risk. I'm the same." "You have nightmares?", you asked and sat down. He nodded and giggled. "What's so funny?" "Nothing actually. It's just the third time telling you and... I don't know. It's just kind of surreal that we have to start over and over again." You looked down frowning. "I'm sorry...", you whispered. "No. Don't", he said and gently put your chin up with his finger. He smiled at you softly and you felt your body relaxing.
Like earlier, you put your head on his lap and while he was playing with your hair you fell asleep again.
This time you didn't dream anything and woke up the way you fell asleep just that Bucky fell asleep as well and was leaning against the wall. You didn't want to wake him so you slowly stood up and stretched a bit. Wondering how long you had slept and when Bucky fell asleep you stared at him, examining his long hair, his short beard and the way how peaceful he was sleeping. But his peaceful expression slowly turned into panic, then anger.
"Bucky. Bucky wake up. Bucky!" But he didn't hear you, so you took the blanket and threw it at him. "What the...?", he cursed and threw the blanket away. His breathing was still heavy and fast, so you got closer slowly. "You had a nightmare but I couldn't wake you up so I... I used the blanket. I was a bit scared about my health if I touch you", you explained and he nodded understanding. "Good idea...", he said and still tried to catch some air.
"It's okay, Bucky. I don't know what happened there but we're safe here. No one got harmed while you were asleep, everything's the way it was", you tried to calm him down and it looked like it helped a little.
"Try to breathe slowly, it worries me..." He smiled and tried to get it under control.
After a while, Bucky calmed down again and you asked if you could sit down next to him. He nodded, so you did.
"What was your dream about?", you asked cautiously and Bucky's head dropped, "You don't have to talk about it." He sighed and began to talk: "I think you know or... at least will know what Hydra can do to someone... I dreamt about that." "That's pretty vague but I'll take it. And... I'm not sure if I know or don't." "What do you mean?" Bucky looked at you and tried to find an answer in your face before you even said a word. You took a deep breath and didn't really know how to explain it. "Uhm... so... I don't know if it was a memory or... or something else and I deeply hope it's just my brain tricking me uhm... but... I saw... there was... I was..."
Thinking about it made your chest heavy and your eyes watery. Bucky gave you a sad look and wiped away your tears.
"I couldn't move. I... I was awake. I was awake and I could feel everything...", you were whispering as if it was top secret and if anybody would hear it, they'd put you down, "It was cold and... and... scary and... it wasn't that cold any longer when they... started."
You tried to control your sobs and breath, meanwhile, Bucky gently stroked your back. He didn't say a word and he was unsure if he should but he wanted to give you the room you needed. He thought if it was going to be too much or if you decided to not talk about it anymore you would simply stop.
"Did you know that your blood can feel like a warm blanket when it's just coldness around you? And that pain can give and take away hope at the same time?" "What do you mean?", Bucky asked and hoped it wasn't what he thought about.
"With every cut, with every injection and with every other thing they did I hoped I would either be free or dead soon and I didn't care which one came first as long as... it simply came. But it didn't. With every cut there followed another. With every injection, there was a second and third and fourth. With every operation..." You sighed and realized you had gotten louder, so you lowered your voice again: "And the blood that was coming out of me either through operations or torture... it was the only warmth I had. But it also showed me that I was still alive and... eventually I just... I gave up. I... I gave up, Bucky... I'm sorry that I'm not strong at all... I'm... I'm sorry I couldn't fight against it..." Bucky was now crying which you had never seen before. You wondered if you forgot or if he had just never cried.
Bucky took you in his arms, squeezing, and whispered: "Don't ever think that again... you are so strong, you survived all this and you came back. And not just one time. Hydra tried to take over you so often and every time they were slightly successful you came back again. You're strong, y/n. So much stronger than all of us." "I'm just a monster Hydra created..." "You're an Avenger and belong to our family", Bucky corrected. "It really happened didn't it...?" Your voice broke while asking it and Bucky nodded, holding you even tighter.
You couldn't hear what they were saying but you were standing in the back, watching two men talking.
It was quite blurry and you were unsure what you were seeing.
Suddenly you walked over, nodded to one of the men, sat down and talked to the other. He wasn't anxious at all, he even was provocative. "Then kill me, y/n", he said. You were about to throw a knife but he interrupted you: "What would Steve Rogers think about you right now?" "Why should I care?" The next lines you couldn't understand but he made you angry and more impatient. One thing confused you though: the reason why he knew you, why he cared about you and why he had handled a file about you to Fury. Instead of asking you yelled at him. Not because he did something wrong but because something was happening inside you and it made you angry that it didn't fit with what you were supposed to know and feel. The other man who was quiet for a while got impatient and angry, suddenly you through a knife in the head of the man who weirdly knew you.
You woke up panting and sweating and you noticed your wet face and eyes. Someone rushed into your room but you couldn't really see who, it was way too dark.
"It's okay, y/n. It was just a nightmare." You recognized Bucky's voice. "Bucky I... I... the man... I...", you began to cry heavier and your sobs interrupted your talking.
"It was just a nightmare", Bucky repeated and pulled you into a hug but you pushed him away, shaking your head. "No, no... Bucky I... I killed someone! I killed someone, Bucky! He wasn't even... He didn't do anything... I just killed him..." Your hands were shaking.
"Bucky, I killed someone from S.H.I.E.L.D! He just wanted to help and I killed him!" You were crying so heavily and Bucky looked a bit overwhelmed with the situation. "It's okay, y/n... It wasn't you." "But it was! Bucky you have to... you have to-" "No, y/n!", he yelled and you flinched.
"Sorry... Y/n please listen to me. It wasn't you. I know how it feels like, they also did that to me. What do you think my nightmares contain?" "Maybe fluffy unicorns?" You both laughed though your laugh sounded weird through your sobs. He pulled you closer again and you put your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
Bucky was the warm blanket you had needed when captured at Hydra. His warmth was calming down your shivers and shaking from the cold that came from within you.
After a while, you had calmed down and Bucky was wiping away your tears and giving you some tissues. "Thank you, Buck..."
Both of you were looking deep into each other's eyes and it felt like no one could escape the endless warmth they could see in them.
"Do you need something to drink?", he asked after a while and you nodded. Bucky stood up and left.
"Y/n what the hell are you doing...?!", you whispered angrily at yourself. Even though you were missing memories, you knew that Natasha should be the first and only in your mind. But she wasn't. You knew both of you had shared special moments but you didn't remember them. It was like having empty folders in your brain named stuff like "why Natasha is the love of my life" or "Never leave her". But there was nothing in it, at least nothing you had access to. But Bucky was giving you memories, good memories. Warm ones. It felt safe with him.
The door opened and Bucky came in with a bottle in his hand. "Here", he said, handing it to you. When you grabbed the bottle you panicked and dropped it. Your breathing was getting faster and you felt like you were choking. Pictures were flashing in front of your eyes and you felt pain in your whole body. "Y/n, what's wrong?", Bucky asked and you tried to find his safe eyes yet all you could see were the pictures of Hydra torturing you.
You crashed down and were hugging your knees, your head resting on top of them. "Don't hurt me, please don't hurt me", you whimpered and Bucky sat down but kept his distance to you.
"Yes, boss. Copied." "Y/n, do you still hear his voice?", Bucky asked anxiously but you didn't answer him.
"Y/n, hey, everything is okay. You're here with me. In this room. Okay? Look at me." But you didn't listen to him. "He's not having power over you anymore. You're safe." "I'm...", you got out but stopped. You weren't safe. That man could easily say those goddamn words and ruin you all over again. "Stop lying", you said angrily and cried. "Right now you are. No one is here who would harm you, okay? He's not here. I am. I will keep you safe, I promise."
You looked up and examined his face. Knowing he couldn't save you from everything, you were sure he would try everything he could. "Okay", you whispered, wiping away your tears and Bucky smiled. He grabbed the bottle and held it up.
"I can't", you whispered. "You can. He's not here. There is no device in you anymore he could check if you did or didn't drink something. And you... Y/N you cried so much and you barely drank or ate something lately. Your body needs it."
You sighed and with shaking hands you took it. Reassuringly he nodded and smiled at you. While opening the bottle your panic rose. "I... I can't", you said, closed the bottle fast again, handing it back to Bucky and stood up.
You were pacing around and Bucky tried to calm you down but was unsuccessful.
Suddenly he stopped you and pulled you into a hug. The surprise distracted you from your panic and your mind got blank. "It's okay", he whispered into your ear, "you did well. It's progress."
You breathed in his scent. It smelled like a home you never had but were looking out for.
"EQ8, kill them", you heard in your head and you flinched. "What's wrong?", Bucky asked, pushing you a bit away and examining your face.
"I still hear him..." "Are you sure? Maybe it's just a flashback." "No, I don't know..." "We'll tell Stark and Banner later, maybe they can figure it out. Or can you feel or hear a difference to the voice before?"
You thought about his question but you really couldn't tell. He pulled you back into a tight hug. "It's okay, doll. We'll figure this out."