It was when I was 19 years old, when I fell in love with 22 year old Zayn Malik. I think it was everything about him. Everything from his thick luscious hair to his coffee eyes. And things like how he reflected everything I couldn't be and how he found certain avenues in life that I could never find. Zayn was literally everything I wanted to be.
I hadn't been to college and even then I wasn't planned on going. Not because I didn't want to. I swear I longed to be there and to be sitting in class or up late at night wrecking my brain for finals. But my family, which then only consisted of me, my mother who's name is Anne and Gemma who is my older sister, only had very little money. College was not an option if it had to be paid for from my mother's pocket.
Even when I was only 15, before the thought of college ever came up in my brain, no one wanted to get a higher education more than my sister. Throughout her highschool life, Gemma had worked hard. She did everything she could to get herself a scholarship: studying all day, participating in extra curricular activities, doing community services and joining clubs. By her senior year, all her hard work paid off. Soon she was off in another part of the country, 16 hours away from us by drive and a 2½ hours away from us by flight.
I found it very hard to live without Gemma and I missed her like crazy. I would call her two days a week and we'd talk for twenty minutes or so about how our day was or what we'd do next time she visited home. Those phone calls gave me so much life and they were the only thing keeping my spirits high. But eventually even that wasn't enough.
Mom was always working to make ends meet so that meant I was home alone most of the time. Being home alone wasn't good for me because all I ever wanted was attention and it was all I ever craved. So I made strides to get it the only way I knew how. Even if it wasn't good for me.
One day when I was seventeen, my mom came home and found me and some boy name Austin in my bed and we were having sex. I hadn't noticed her, but I did when she came over and pushed Austin off and out of me making him hit the floor. " Get away from him!" she screamed. "And get out of my house!"
Of course I didn't expect her to be home, but I think I was more shocked that she'd done that. Before I knew it, Austin was putting on his clothes and scrambling out while I was sitting there screaming at her and calling her a homophobe.
I saw the hurt in her eyes from my choice of words but she only became more frantic and more concerned as she asked me one question. "Harry he didn't leave anything inside of you did he?"
I didn't answer.
"Harry please, you have to answer me. This is important... Did he... did he leave anything? Even a drop."
"No! He didn't get a chance to! And why are you asking that? This is so embarrassing."
Despite my efforts in blaming and getting angry at her, she just sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed and it sounded like one of relief. "Harry I... as much as I am very disappointed in you having sex behind my back when you are clearly not ready for that, I am not a homphobe whatsoever."
" I don't believe you." I mumbled looking away.
"Well I'm not. And I'm sorry that I may have ruined things between you and your... boyfriend." She waited for me to say something, but I wasn't going to answer. There was no way I was going to tell her that Austin wasn't really my boyfriend but that he was just some boy who I met at the bus stop and offered to fuck. So I settled for "Okay."
She reached over and put a hand over my hand. "Harry." she said. And naturally after hearing the distress in her voice, I looked at her.
"Harry there is something I need to tell you baby. Something I've been holding back a long time."
"What? What is it about?"
I saw her swallow thickly. "Its about you."
When I heard those words I panicked. "What about me? What do you mean?"
She squeezed my hand and began to speak. "You're not normal. When you were-"
"What do you mean I'm not normal?" I interrupted. "How am I not normal? And what does it have to do with me and Austin?" I started spitting questions at her, but she put her index finger to my mouth. "Shush Harry. Let me explain and don't say anything until I'm finished. Okay?"
I nodded.
"The reason I pushed him off of you is because I didn't know if you were using protection or not. You might not think it shouldns and no you might not get any sexually transmitted diseases... But unfortunately, that isn't all you have have to worry about.
When you were young, you had some abnormal complications. So I took you to the doctor for a full checkup and everything. They discovered something inside of you. Something that makes you different."
She put her hand out at me as if she was steadying herself. "Now don't freak out Harry okay. Please don't freak out. But you were born with a partial female reproductive system. Which means that, while you don't have any visible feminine parts, its what's inside you that makes you part female and it gives you the ability to make babies."
When I heard that, my eyes got so big, I felt like they would pop out of my head. "What?!"
"I know baby. I know. And that's the way I felt too. But its true. And according to the doctors, you are just like 1 percent of the male population. But 0.1 are actually at risk of getting pregnant because only 0.1 are... you know."
My lips began to tremble as I stared at her. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I'm sorry." she apologized. "I thought you would never need to know."
"HOW COULD YOU?!"I screamed, because I was furious.
"I just wanted to protect you Harry. I couldn't imagine what people would think about you. How they'd treat the family different."
"So you were selfish instead?!" I asked as tears began to water my eyes.
"No, not at all. I never wanted you to know because I never wanted you to feel different. I was looking out for you. I wasn't being selfish at all. I thought that maybe you'd never like guys so it would never be necessary to tell you. I guess I was wrong to assume that would be the case."
"You could have ruined me!" I cried. "What would you have done had you come home even just fifteen minutes too late?!"
She just stared at me. She didn't answer or try to answer.
"You know what? Don't talk to me! Just leave me alone! I don't care."
I drew back any body parts that might have been touching her and I turned over on my side. I didn't even want to look at her anymore. I couldn't believe she would do that. I couldn't believe she would hide something as important as that from me. What kind of mother would do that?
After that, I got on the phone and I called up Gemma to tell her the awful news. I expected her to be just as surprised and shocked as I was, but on the contrary, the first thing she said was "Oh... you found out."
"Wait... you already knew too?"
"Yeah, Harry. I did."
As soon as she said that I hung up the phone and screamed in frustration. I felt like everyone knew about me but me. It was such a horrible and lonesome feeling.
Being different changed everything. And now that I knew what they knew, I knew they would look at me differently.
After that incident, I told myself that even though I was going to continue giving myself to people for attention, I'd always make them wear condom. I stopped talking to my family and I completely distanced myself from them. Whenever Gemma would call home, I pretended I was too busy or too sick and eventually Gemma got the message. She stopped calling and asking for me.
It went on this way with me avoiding them as often as possible and by the time I had graduated highschool and turned eighteen, I had a job working as a cashier at the grocery store around the corner from me. Even though it was work, and even though it was more boring than anything, very surprisingly, that grocery store is where everything seemed to take a turn for the better in my life. There, is where things gradually turned around. Because there, is where I met Zayn Malik.
*****
This story is my own. So please don't steal anything from it. :)