"Don't look at me like that. I need to pee on it.", Lana explained to Lola, who was sitting next to her on the bathroom floor. "I just never seen the tests made like this, okay? Must be like a special version they have with them in the ambulance.", Lana sighed, reading the instructions.
Lola just looked annoyed at her and barked one time out of frustration.
"Okay okay, yes! I am just pretending that I don't know how to use it. But… that's hard, Lola. I am afraid okay? Afraid that all my hope is just… thin air. I don't know what to feel.", she sighed, finally going to the toilet.
"I can't pee when you look at me.", Lana argued. "Turn around.", she added, which made Lola turn since it was one of her known commands.
When Lana finished her business, she put the two tests on the sink, whilst washing her hands. "We need to wait a few minutes.", she announced with a sigh, sitting down on the closed toilet. "What are we going to do, Lols? You really think there is a baby in there, Mh?", Lana smirked, cupping her dog's face with her hands and meeting her eyes instantly.
"I actually try not to get my hopes up…", she admitted, starting to play nervously with her fingers, breaking their eye contact and looking in some random corner, completely lost in her thoughts.
"I am 45…almost 46. There is no way. No way.", she said with a small sniff, alarming Lola to nudge her head against Lana's knee, wincing when she saw her owner sad.
"It's alright. It's okay. I am fine… just a bit… overwhelming.", the black-haired woman confessed, petting Lola still lost in her thoughts, lost in a different universe. Far far away from everyone and everything until her dog gently licked over her hands.
"Is it time?", She asked, as Lola would know. She really wouldn't like to share this moment with anyone else since Lola is the friend she needed right now. Someone who wasn't talking but still understood her inner fear. No, she wouldn't even want to have Sean here right now because in some situations she needed some time for herself, thinking through whatever her life will bring.
"Let's have a look then, huh?", Lana chuckled, giving Lola a last kiss on her nose, before walking up to the two tests on the sink.
Her eyes were closed when Lana took one last breath to find the guts to open them, literally facing her future. "There are two…", Lana said shocked and very quiet, completely caught by surprise. "Like. Two.", she repeated, getting the package out of the bin again to reassure that it was positive. She blinked a couple of times back and forth, trying to find evidence of some kind of mistake but there was nothing.
Two lines. On both tests. More than clear and visible. "Lola…", Lana said with a shaking voice, grabbing for the bathtub behind her to hold herself on her feet. "Oh my God.", she breathed out, literally dropping to the ground since her shaking legs couldn't hold her upwards anymore.
"Lola!", she cried out, almost yelling her name when tears started to run down her face. "It's positive.", she managed to get out between her desperate sobbing that sounded almost violently. "It's positive.", She said again, turning herself to sit normally on the bathroom floor, with her back leaned against the tub.
"Thank you.", she cried out, not even knowing why and to who she was referring. "Thank you.", she whispered again, closing her eyes in adoration. "Thank you.", Lana repeated, gently placing both hands on her stomach, with Lola licking excitedly over her fingers. She couldn't help but laugh whilst still sobbing all over her beloved friend that was almost jumping in front of her with an uncontrolled wagging tail.
"Yeah. Yeah, Lols. You were right. You were right, Loli. There is a baby.", she laughed-cried again. "I'm pregnant.", Lana said out loud, feeling like screaming it from every rooftop but at the same time like protecting her little secret.
She didn't dare to move from the floor, so Lana just sat there in astonishment, not taking one eye from the two tests on the floor. Her tears dried whilst her smile got wider and wider, looking dreamingly into her future.
Her mind was all over the place, picturing herself with a baby in her arms, her little family with the boys and Amèlie, and even her childhood memories floated back to her. Deena and she had played dolls so many times, so early on, and even as a child, Lana was already aware that she wanted to have a baby of her own one day. Something that took way too long to accomplish but at least with the right person in the end.
The closing noise of the front door interrupted her thoughts when Sean and the kids stormed into the house. Literally storming since they had a long and intense argument going on, which Lana didn't know at first.
"Sean??", She yelled, still full of joy, stepping outside of the bathroom.
"Sean??", She grinned again, deciding to leave the test in the bathroom for now.
"One second!", he shouted back, sounding cold and pissed, which caused Lana to back off. He arrived in their bedroom just a couple of minutes later, looking exhausted from the disagreement with Flynn that involved Leo as well in the end.
"What is it?", he asked, sounding even a bit annoyed. "Please tell me it's something important. I am not up to any jokes right now.", he added with a long sigh.
Lana's smile died along the way, making her return to the nervous playing with her hand. That wasn't how she had imagined this moment and she didn't want to let this situation be a memory of life.
The lump in her throat that had built up, didn't let her say a word. All her excitement and happiness vanished from her body, making space for anxiety and overthinking. Memories of Fred, arguing with her about their lost baby, came back to her mind. She still heard the pain in his voice, the ignorance against her feelings.
It hasn't been a year since Tanya's death, Sean was doing way better than before but was still in the middle of a silent grieving phase, which was more than normal and understandable. But what would he do if she would lose this baby?
He wouldn't leave her. He wouldn't scream at her but he would at least have a second loss within one year.
"I-I was just excited because I… Ehm… I found a hotel we could go to. Anyway… I will tell you about it this evening, okay? When it's a bit calmer.", She finally said.
"What hotel, Sweetheart? Sorry… I… I didn't want to be rude.", he said. "The kids are just in a funny mood. I guess overtired. I will get them to bed soon.", Sean explained.
"Not that important. I will tell you on a different day.", Lana simply smiled, trying to hide all her inner thoughts. "Let me help with the children…", she offered but Sean shook his head straight away.
"No chance. Please. Go back to bed. Only today and give yourself a rest. I will send them in later to say goodnight to you.", he simply smiled, placing a kiss on Lana's head before rushing downstairs since they could hear how the fight blew up again.
As soon as Sean left the room, Lana hurried back into the bathroom, grabbing every evidence of the tests before hiding them in one of the suitcases since they were not going to travel anywhere soon again. The longer she thought about that pregnancy, the more fear crept up to her body.
It ended with her sitting on the bed, googling about the risks at her age, which were many. Her anxiety about losing that child-like she lost her first one, made her thoughts turn crazy. Imagine all kinds of scenarios that could happen.
Her head concluded that she would need to be sure everything was alright before telling anything about this pregnancy to anyone, including Sean. On the other side, she wasn't able to keep it a secret for very long since a growing stomach would lead them to change the schedule of filming and she wouldn't be able to fit into the Evil Queens' costumes for long.
All kinds of possibilities about her future ran through her head, whilst forgetting the main and most important part about it. The baby itself.
Lana hated to visit doctors because of previous experiences but in that case, she wouldn't have any choice.
"This is Dr. Lorren Brown's Praxis. What can I do for you?", a very enthusiastic young Lady asked when Lana finally found the guts to call her former doctor here in Vancouver.
"Ehm… this is Lana Parrilla. I was a patient… like… a couple of years ago. I don't know if you still have me in your files but I would need an appointment, please.", she summed up, feeling completely stupid and nervous about this call.
"Of course. Yeah, we still have you here on the computer. Just, let me clarify that Dr. Brown is on holiday right now, so we got Dr. Martinez during that time as our main doctor available. Is that alright or do you wanna wait until Mrs. Brown is back in exactly three weeks from now.", she smilingly asked.
"Ehm… no… that's… that will be too late. I need to confirm with work… it's not that easy. I… I guess I am OK with the other one then.", she said, even though she didn't like changing doctors at all, so she rubbed her temple nervously.
"Alright. Is it just a general check-up or–"
"Eh… no… no… it's actually… Ehm… I might be pregnant. Well, I guess it's safe to say that I am pregnant.", she quietly said.
"Oh sure. No worries. Congratulations.", she chuckled. "I could squeeze you in at the end of the week… like Thursday morning? Is that possible?", the woman asked.
"Yeah. Yeah, should be fine. I am on holiday for one more week before returning to work. Ehm… which time exactly?"
"Fantastic. Half-past nine would be perfect.", she assured.
"Alright. Yeah. That will be all fine actually… Thank you very much.", Lana smiled shyly before saying her goodbyes and ending the call.
"Who was that?", Sean asked with a frown, entering the room with some Dinner for Lana in his hands.
"Ehm… just…just the doctor. I wanted to check if nothing has changed with my lungs. Just in case… I mean normally collapsing shouldn't be connected to asthma but just wanna make sure.", Lana lied, giving him a small smile. "What did you cook?", She asked to avoid the doctor's topic.
"Nothing too special. We had a hotdog with a salad and some fruits. The kids asked for it.", he chuckled, placing the plate on his girlfriend's lap. "How are you holding up? Are you feeling better than this morning?"
"Yeah.", Lana assured him with a nod. "Much better. Thank you…", she smiled. It was hard having Sean in front of her and not screaming out the news she had. Her inner self wanted to tell him so badly but her head held her back, trying to think rationally. Trying to avoid getting hurt in case this baby wasn't gonna make it. Especially after researching all the risks at her age. It almost felt like losing this baby had a higher chance than actually going healthy through the whole pregnancy process.
And even if they both would make it, the possibility of a disability was enormous. At the age of 45, the chance of any kind of chromosome disorder such as down syndrome was 1 in 30.
To be fair, she wasn't afraid of caring for a child with special needs, but she was afraid of eventually losing it in case of a disability that would lower the life expectancy.
As soon as Sean had left the room again to get the kids to bed, Lana crawled into bed like a little ball, trying to hide her tears that had formed out of fear and happiness at the same time. She couldn't understand why she wasn't glowing because of happiness since the dream of her life became reality. Instead, she was lying here, informing herself about all this crap that shouldn't hold her back from feeling overjoyed.
"I am sorry. I feel so guilty.", she sniffed, gently petting her stomach. "Don't think I don't love you, okay? I am just scared and… overwhelmed. It's a pretty big surprise, sweetheart. It's a good one, though.", she laughed-cried. "Please let me keep you safe.", she whispered, before reaching for a box underneath the bed, grabbing a very old teddy that was literally about to fall apart. A present from her dad, that she kept and found comfort in.
"Daddy…", she cried, trying to form her thoughts into words. "What if… I am going to fail? Fail to do that one thing I should be capable of. I know Sean wouldn't leave me but I would hurt him. Look what it had made out of Fred.", she sniffed.
She remained quiet, silently letting her tears fall until her bedroom door opened again, making her wipe away the tears within seconds.
"Mummy?", Flynn asked, realizing straight away that something wasn't right. "Hey… why are you crying?", he said, closing the door behind him and jumping up to Lana on the bed.
"I…", She didn't want him to see her but she always tried to teach them that feeling sad was normal, so she couldn't close up now. "This day was a little too much for me.", she confessed. "I wasn't feeling too well and that's what makes me emotional.", she said, trying to get control over her body.
"That's okay… You just need a nap and that will make you feel better.", Flynn announced, jumping down to close the blinds before returning to Lana in the bed.
"You can hold my hand if you want.", He smiled, which Lana gladly took with a chuckle. "Okay now close your eyes. I will tell you a goodnight story.", Flynn announced, waiting for her to do so.
He didn't have to stay long, since Lana fell asleep almost immediately with her son's hand in hers and the teddy in her other one. After all, she was exhausted and so she didn't even realize when Flynn left eventually when Sean put him to bed.
The man sighed when he saw the only half-eaten plate on Lana's nightstand but decided not to wake her since she seemed to have a peaceful sleep right now.
All he did was place a soft kiss on Lana's head before laying down on his side of the bed.
*****
"Lana?", Sean asked, knocking at the bathroom door. "Please let me in.", he said, near to losing his patience. "How long do you wanna stay in there? Please. Talk to me.", he desperately said. "I am not leaving that time."
"Please. I don't wanna talk.", Lana said on the other side of the door, full of tears for the countleth time this week.
Her anxiety had added up over the days, she rarely let Sean come close to her, avoided his touches and busted out in tears randomly. She felt like she wasn't herself anymore. She managed to act almost normal around the kids but as soon as they went to bed, all the emotions that had built up over the day came out at once, giving Sean the full load all at once.
"I want to understand Lana. Please. Whatever bothers you, we will find a solution, okay? I can't see you like this anymore. I can't. Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you in any way?", he asked.
"No. Please… it's me. It's not you.", Lana answered. "You didn't do anything wrong.", Lana assured him, still sniffing.
"Okay. Okay. Sweetie, listen. Please unlock the door and come cuddle, yeah? It's alright. I am not going to ask further today. I just want you in my arms. Hold you and keep you safe.", he calmly said with a sigh, hoping she would listen for once.
To his surprise the key really turned before the door opened, revealing Lana, who ran outside and almost jumped into his arms.
"You worry me.", he confessed, pulling her closer into his arms after the big argument they had earlier about her different behavior.
"You said we're not going to talk about it.", Lana mumbled.
"Alright. I will not. But just today.", he countered. "Let's go to bed.", he sighed, starting to get changed whilst Lana already searched for a comfortable sleeping position.
It was hard for Sean to see her like this. She just built up walls he couldn't break and he had no idea why all of the sudden she restricted herself from him. He knew that Lana always talked about her problems or things that made her feel uneasy. It was strange. Strangely, she didn't even want to talk to anyone. Not him, not Bex. He hoped that maybe she would be in contact with friends he didn't know that well but according to her behavior she was not.
The next morning started like the last evening ended. Lana was quiet, only giving him a quick kiss before heading out for the kitchen. She wiggled out of his arms, didn't show him the usual passionate smile when she finished her masterpiece of a lunchbox. Something she enjoyed doing.
"I am heading out.", she informed him quickly.
"Oh yeah… to the doctor, right?", Sean asked. "Well… good luck. Maybe we could go and have some lunch together or a walk afterward… The kids are at school and our holiday is almost over.", he said.
"Ehm... Yeah… we… we'll see okay? Sorry, I am a bit late", she lied. "See you later.", she added before literally running out of the house without even giving Sean a goodbye kiss, something she usually did.
Her Boyfriend sighed. Half in frustration, half in worry. He just didn't know what to do anymore and he definitely needed someone to talk about it. Someone that might have a solution for his problem.