Lotta took me by the hand, as she dragged me out of her room and into the streets of the city. "Come on, let's go," she said as she hurried me. We were on our way to the beach, behind the city walls, where the bonfire would be waiting. We hadn't put on shoes, since Lotta said the sand of the beach felt nicest with bare feet.
We practically skipped through the streets, and I found myself thankful for my training with Feytan. One month ago, I would not have been able to keep up with Lotta's enthusiasm. After we passed the wall, we had to slow down so I could catch my breath again.
After a run which took me far longer than I dared to admit, we finally reached the beach side, and from far away I could already smell the festivities. The wood of the bonfire burning, the ashes forming at the bottom of the pile. But I could also smell sweat, a mixture of all kinds of perfumes and other scents I could not recognize. From far away we could already hear it, too. People laughing and singing, enjoying themselves. Wolves howled against the silent splashing of the ocean waves.
When we arrived at the beach, I could see a small band providing the music everyone was enjoying themselves too. Shadows danced around the fire, not aware of the world outside of their own. Their bodies followed the rhythm of the music, the rhythm of the night. Our Moon shone brightly for us tonight, and there were no clouds to mask her beauty.
Lotta's eyes sparkled with happiness as she led me down to the group. The closer we got, the more the innocence was lost. I could see it clearly now, in the light of the fire. People were dancing with each other, in ways I hadn't seen before. So close, mixing their sweat with one another.
Some of them were kissing, but most of them were just moving their bodies against each other, feeling each other, feeling the music, feeling the night. I felt the blood rising to my cheeks as I noticed a girl on the right, dancing very closely in between two males, who had their hands all over her.
She didn't seem to mind it, though. It even looked as if she enjoyed it. They were worshiping her, and it was clear she had the say in where the evening would lead them. There was no shame in it. For tonight, there were no rules.
In the distance, some wolves were running freely in the flooding waves of the ocean. Some of them howled, and I found it added depth to the music. I longed to join them, and I reminded myself that soon, I would be able to.
Lotta twirled me around so I faced her, and she began dancing, too. The way her body moved, all the curves she made, it looked so natural and easy. It looked so beautiful.
"Let go, Sari," she said to me as she closed her eyes and leaned her head back, her short hair staying put with the motion. Our Moon's light reflected beautifully against her face, emphasizing all the right features. Even if on her worst days, Lotta could possibly look average, tonight she was mesmerizing, godly even.
I wanted to let go, but how could I? Soon, someone would smell me, and their hatred for me would ruin the entire thing. But as I waited and waited and waited for someone to recognize me, to keep their distance, nothing happened. Instead, I felt bodies brush past mine, people dancing around me as if they didn't notice me.
"It's okay, Sari," Lotta reassured me. "Tonight there's no packs, or hate. There's only us, wolves, and our Moon." She gave me an encouraging smile, and that was all I needed to follow her into the freedom of the music.
I let her hands guide me at first, but soon I discovered my body found its own way to move around the rhythm. My hands went up in the air and back down again, traveling down my body. My hips were moving in ways I hadn't imagined I could do, but it felt so easy. My hair was swinging to every side, every bit of me was moving to the beat.
I couldn't remember how long Lotta and I were there, dancing with each other. I also couldn't remember when Lotta had left, but when I opened my eyes, I could see her not too far away, dancing it up with a stranger I hadn't seen before. No, two strangers, I counted. A man and a woman.
I slowly stepped out of the group, my exhaustion from the dancing catching up with me. I looked around for somewhere to sit, although the sand would do, or maybe something to drink. Some water, or some juice, or something a bit stronger would be nice, as I suddenly felt the dryness in my mouth. But as I scanned the beach, something else caught my eye.
In the distance, I could see a familiar brown-haired figure sitting on a tree stem that was planted sideways in the sand. Jerr had a woman on his lap, and they were taking turns whispering things in each other's ears and smiling. His hands danced around her body, and she adjusted her seating when he came close to a sensitive area.
I felt a lump in my throat as my heart sped up. It felt wrong to watch them, but I couldn't look away. I felt the heat rising in my face as Jerr's hands traveled up her torso, around the curves of her breasts. She looked as if she was giggling, and she threw her head back and let her golden hair flow down her back. She was beautiful, in ways I could never be.
Jerr suddenly looked up and his eyes shot straight ahead, locking on mine. Sun burn me. I quickly looked away, spotting someone falling in the sand to my left and dragging her friend down with her. Laughter erupted from both of them, and however funny it looked, I couldn't bring myself to laugh.
My heart felt heavy in my chest, but I was scared to think about what that meant. I didn't want to allow this to take over the night for me, I didn't want to think about what seeing that had done to me, so I made my way back to the bonfire, to hide in the masses. Invisibility would suit me now.
As I reached the bonfire again, I quickly dared to look back at the tree stem, but I immediately wished I hadn't. It was empty. Both Jerr and the woman had gone, doing Moons know what.
I looked around to find Lotta, but she was still heavily preoccupied with the man and woman she'd been dancing with earlier. I closed my eyes, and slowly let the tones of the music hypnotize my body once more, until I disappeared in the crowd, and I was left with no one else but me.
Once again, time ceased to exist. I didn't know how much time had passed this time either, but I found myself needing another break. I left the crowd and went back to the calmer edge of the beach. Some people were seated here, talking, kissing, or doing other things I didn't allow myself to look at any longer than I had to.
"Staring is rude, you know," someone muttered over my shoulder, and I felt a hot breath caress my ear.
I jumped up as the warm smell of spicy wood danced around my nostrils, and turned around to face Jerr. His eyes were glittering with amusement. "So is sneaking up on somebody."
"Did I scare you?" He moved so he stood beside me now, but he never took his eyes off me.
"No," I lied. I damned myself for feeling my own heartbeat speed up, hoping Jerr wouldn't notice. This was already embarrassing enough.
He breathed out a small laugh. "You seemed to be enjoying yourself tonight."
Had he been watching me? "As did you," I snapped, my tone coming out a bit more aggressive than I had in mind.
"I certainly did," he said. "Did you like looking at me?"
"No," I answered, and it was the truth. I hadn't liked it.
"Her name is Amelia," he explained. "She's a girl I used to... hang out with."
"You don't have to explain yourself to me," I objected. I also didn't want to hear about her.
"Oh, but I do. I don't want you to get the wrong idea." He lightly tilted his head to the side, that sunburned grin silently appearing on his face.
"And what would that be? That you are, in fact, capable of having fun?" I challenged him, my gaze eyeing him up.
He stepped closer to me, making the distance between us so small, I could feel the heat pooling off his body. "That I would rather have fun with her, instead of you."
"Fun?" I asked, feeling a mixture of insult and a tingling sensation I couldn't place.
"Yes," he said coolly. "But Amelia... She's an easy distraction. And before you judge me, I am the same for her."
"I wouldn't judge you." How could I, when back in Fire Moon, I had done the same? I met up with the baker's son a few times, and every time I sneaked out after we'd finished, I'd stolen bread. When he found out, I was no longer welcome in his bakery. Or his bed.
"Do you want to go for a walk?" Jerr asked, as he extended his arm, inviting me to take it.
"No."
"Liar."
I rolled my eyes and started walking forward, refusing to take his arm. He followed me with a laugh as we walked to the sea, side by side, in silence. I let the cold waves splash over my bare feet as I walked through the low tides. The light that came from our Moon broke and shattered over the smallest of waves in the ocean, making the view magical. This was my first time seeing an ocean, let alone at night, and it was breathtaking.
"I hear your training's been going well," Jerr said, breaking the silence that hung between us.
"It is. I'm improving quickly," I confirmed.
"Feytan told me so. I might have to come to check you out again, see it for myself," he teased. "Perhaps I can be your first one-on-one combat partner."
I punched him on his arm. "You would like that, wouldn't you?"
"To have you beat me up? I just changed my mind, I already got enough of that," he cried as he dramatically rubbed his hand over where I'd punched him.
I walked farther into the ocean, letting the water reach just over my ankles. I couldn't see where the ocean ended and where the horizon began, and that endlessness fascinated me. "I didn't even punch you that hard, get over yourself," I teased back.
"You are underestimating your power, milady," he said as he joined me on the banks of the ocean. He had taken off his shoes and was now carrying them in his right hand.
"I have no powers," I reminded him. Even teasing, knowing that still stung. I was nothing more than average, at best. How could I ever come close to wolves like Mage, or Amelia?
"That may not be true," Jerr said.
I turned my head in his direction, and found him already looking at me. "What do you mean?"
"Why do you think Aven has Feytan training you? He could have easily let you do it yourself, instead of making it the responsibility of one of his highest-ranked wolves. But we're thinking maybe Beckett has been starving you to keep your body weakened. So any potential powers wouldn't be able to come through."
"When was I to know of this?" I asked insulted. How did none of them think to include me in these conversations? Wasn't I allowed to know about any of this?
Jerr awkwardly looked away in the distance, pondering how to answer my question. Only no answer came. And that was answer enough.
I sighed. "Do you think it's likely that's the case?" It made sense, somehow. If I showed signs of power, especially Fire Moon powers, other Alphas would have jumped at the opportunity to take me in. And Beckett would have had to accept me, baring Agni's legacy.
"I think it could be, yes," he said. He shrugged his shoulders. "Only our Moons know at this point."
"But the first time we met, you told me you didn't see a single droplet of power in my mind," I reminded him.
"I had only scratched the surface of your mind. It doesn't mean that because I didn't see it then, it wasn't there, hidden away because you were so weak."
"Can't you look in my mind now to check?" I asked. It would give us the answers we wanted.
"I could. But I don't want to."
"Why not?" I raised my eyebrow.
He sighed. "I don't want to dig around in your mind, Sari."
"I don't get it," I countered, slightly irritated. "You're always entertaining yourself reading my most private thoughts, but when I give you permission to look around in my head, you refuse?"
"As I said, I only touch the upper surface of your mind. Digging deeper feels like cheating. I don't want to do that." He quickly looked away in the distance before us.
"Why?"
He shrugged his shoulders again, keeping his stare straight ahead. "I don't know, Sari. I just... More often than not, this gift is more of a curse. Do you know how tiring it is to be able to hear everyone's thoughts all the time? It's exhausting. And I... I just want to be able to be normal sometimes. To get to know someone the right way, not by forcing myself into the depths of their secrets. That just feels wrong."
I hadn't thought of it that way. To be fair, I hadn't thought of Jerr's side at all in all of this. "Is there any way for you to turn it off? You know, to stop hearing people's thoughts?"
He turned his head to look at me again. Now it was my turn to look away, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks at the intensity that hid behind his eyes. "I can just stop listening, yes. But Aven needs me on duty most of the time. You know, to catch the bad guys." He poked his elbows in my ribs, trying to give this conversation a lighter tone. "But somehow with you, it's... I can't. When your thoughts are getting heavy, they're screaming at me. Probably because you haven't learned to control them."
"My thoughts are loud," I murmured, remembering something he had told me when we were on horseback.
"Exactly," he said. "But we'll work on that in due time. You've got to focus on your physical training first, though."
"We'll cross that bridge when we get there," I confirmed.
"You look beautiful tonight, by the way," he said. The words flowed out of him and hung in the air around us. I didn't want it to, but I felt my heart flutter in my chest.
"Thank you," I exhaled.
"I mean it," he continued. "That dress, your hair. Everything. You took my breath away when I first noticed you." He stepped a bit closer, so our arms were slightly brushing against each other.
But when I looked at him, all I saw was how he was holding Amelia in his lap. How his hands cupped her breasts, after they traveled up her legs. I saw her giggling, her enjoyment at his unsubtle touches. And now that I looked like this, he wanted to switch and try with me?
"Stop," I said annoyed.
"Stop what?" he asked, innocence playing around his tongue and eyes.
"Stop flirting with me," I said sternly.
"Sari, I—"
"No," I interjected. "You can't talk to me in that manner, especially not when you just had another woman in your lap."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disrespect you," he apologized.
"But you did," I sighed. "Just... Don't do that. I am not some toy to be played with, someone you can have fun with. I'm a person and I'm tired of people treating me like nothing more than a plaything."
"That was never my intention," he objected. "I've never thought of you that way."
"Whatever," I said as I turned around. "I'm going back. And I'd like it best if you didn't follow me home."
Jerr only sighed at my outburst, but he stayed put as I started walking away. But every inch of me was screaming to turn around, to go back to him. And I hated every part of me that seemed to enjoy being in his presence.