Five days. We're five days into Jace's drug withdrawal, half-time as I like to call it. As presumed, everything went downhill from the first day on. Unlike the first few nights, Jace now finds it hard to sleep at all, the pain and the anxiety keeping him awake constantly. His mood has been down, and I don't blame him for it. Most nights I lay awake with him, because his anxiety is brushing off on me. I'm just as tired as he probably is.
Maybe caring for someone going through a drug withdrawal can be compared to life with a newborn. I never sleep, I'm always tired, and I still have the deep need to care for someone who wouldn't be okay on their own. These are the kind of silly thoughts I come up with two to three hours of sleep at night.
I lay in bed wide awake this morning, thinking of which at home activity I can start today to pass the time. In these past fews days I've done more puzzling and watched more tv shows than in my whole life together, all while there's the best weather outside. I don't mind though.
On his first full day without drugs, Jace said that he'd do anything so the two of us can have a chance again. I, on the other hand, would do anything to make him feel better again.
Just as I'm about to decide what to do with my day, Jace shoots up out of bed from beside me. He's been struggling with stomach cramps all night, and I know that he's heading for the toilet to throw up. I make my way after him, and sure enough I see him leaning over the toilet. I place my hand on his back softly for support, even though I know that I can't really help him.
Jace looks weak, and I'm sure that he feels it too. He can barely find the strength to push himself back into a standing position. "Do you want to take a bath? I think it'll be good for you" I say gently, not wanting to push him.
He looks at me with his tired eyes. "Sure. Give me a second" is his answer, and I nod my head back at him. I walk over to the bathtub and start the water. I make sure it's not too hot or too cold, and then I leave Jace behind in the bathroom.
I want to shed a tear at the sight of Jace, but I've been holding myself together pretty good these past few days. I'm wondering when the time comes that I fall apart, I know it will be here eventually. I think it's a good idea to change the sheets today. Jace is in that bed constantly, and who doesn't love the comfort of fresh new sheets? Removing the old fabrics quickly, my phone buzzes before I can put on the new.
"Hey mom" I say as I pick up, when I see who's calling me.
"Mila, where have you been? Are you okay? I haven't heard from you and I was worried about you" she says, almost a little frantic.
I feel bad for the fact that I've ignored her one too many times these past few days. I haven't had the strength to talk to her, not knowing what to say. "I'm sorry mom. I'm good, just really busy" I say, trying to find a good excuse.
"Are you sure, honey? Are things with Jace good?" she asks me, and my heart starts to race. What do I answer?
Just as I'm about to find another good excuse, I'm interrupted by a loud "Fuck" and the sound of a thump coming from the bathroom. My heart starts to race because I don't know what just happened to Jace, and because I know my mom has heard.
"Is everything okay?" she asks worried, but I can't think about her right now.
"I'm sorry to do this mom, but I'll call you back" I say, quickly hanging up the phone. Seconds later, I'm standing in the bathroom, to see Jace holding onto the bathtub tight, leaning over to hold himself on his feet. He's probably feeling dizzy, as he has been these past few days. His red knuckle tells me that he's thrown a punch at the tub.
I almost startle at the sight of his naked body. Jace is looking pale, with big bags under his eyes. He's lost so much weight that I'm sure I can see a few of his ribs. I could start crying at the sight of him, but restrain myself from doing so for his sake.
"Let me help you" I say, walking over towards him, to help him climb into the tub.
"Stop. Don't look at me Mila, just leave" he says angrily, probably fed up with feeling miserable.
"Then let's eat at least, before you go in. It'll help with the dizziness" I say, only trying to help.
Jace is taking a big, angry breath. "No, Mila! I don't want to eat and I don't want to drink water. I can't, okay? Get off of my fucking back and leave me the fuck alone!" he yells at me loudly out of nowhere, with fuming eyes.
I startle at his loud outburst, and feel the tears coming in. I must look like a deer caught in headlights. It's not him talking, Mila. It's the withdrawal. I keep reminding myself, but today's events are getting to me worse than before. Before the tears start streaming down my face, I mumble "okay" with a straight face, and leave Jace behind in the bathroom.
Arriving in the living room, I finally let the tears fall. I break down to the floor an hug my legs with my arms. Before I even think about it, I dial Austin's number.
"Hey Mila" he says softly, as he picks up.
"Hi Austin" I say, trying not to let him hear that I'm crying. I fail miserably, he knows what's going on right away.
"What happened?" he asks me, worried about me.
Breaking out into full sobs again, I tell him what happened. "I'm sorry for calling you this early, but it's all a bit much today. You should see him Austin, he lost so much weight, it's like he's not Jace anymore. He just yelled at me badly, he was so angry with me" I say, trying to calm myself.
"Don't worry about it, Mila. I hope you know it's just the withdrawal talking, right? Please don't hold it against him. You're doing an amazing job so far, and he'll never forget that you were there for him during this time" Austin says, finding just the right words.
"Thank you for saying that" I say, wiping the tears away with my thumb.
"Of course. I think it's time for a day off for you. How about I spend the day with Jace today? I'll bring Bree and the two of you can go outside and enjoy the weather" he suggests.
I struggle with the though of leaving Jace, but I know that he'll be in good hands. And I could really use my best friend today. "Are you sure that's okay?" I ask, as my breathing has returned to normal.
"Yeah, absolutely. Look, we'll be there in ten minutes. Just leave Jace to it. And hold your head up. Like I said, we all think very highly of you for doing this" Austin says.
"Thank you. See you soon" I say, and we both hang up the phone. I take a big breath, my mind flashing back to the image of Jace just now. He looked so weak and broken, and I can't help but blame myself for a part of that. If only you had listened to him, Mila. Heard him out earlier.
Before I fall apart again, I decide to put the new sheets onto the bed, so I won't have to do so later. Hold your head up. I take Austin's advice from just minutes ago to heart and keep going with my day. I notice that I'm shaking slightly, but I have to admit that I've barely been struggling with panic attacks these past few days. I'm way too busy to think about Jace, caring for him is distracting me from my own problems in a way.
After I've finished putting the new sheets on the bed, I put on a summer dress and my white sneakers. Ten minutes later as promised, a knock on the door signals me that Austin and Bree are here. I open the door, and Bree embraces me in a hug right away. "Good to see you" she says, and I return her sweet words.
Austin embraces me in a hug too. "Where is he?" he asks me, looking around for his best friend.
"Still in the bath" I answer, looking forward to get out of this apartment for a little while. I feel bad for doing just that at the same time.
"Okay. You two have a good day. Relax a little, Mila" Austin says, kissing Bree goodbye.
"I will. Thanks again" I tell him, before he opens the door to the bathroom just a little. He disappears inside, but we can hear the two of them as I grab my purse and my phone.
"Austin?" Jace asks him weakly.
"Hey man. You look like shit" Austin says, clearly trying to lighten the mood.
"Where's Mila? I'm a fucking idiot" he answers quietly.
"She's spending the day with Bree, you're stuck with me" Austin says, and I agree that it's time to go and leave the two of them alone.
I turn around to face my best friend, who is smiling at me brightly.
"Ready to go?" she asks me, and I manage to put a smile on my face.
"Ready" I answer, and we leave the apartment together.
"How are you holding up?" she asks me, as we enter her car.
"I'm alright. Today was a bit tough."
"I can only imagine. Let's forget all of that for the day. What do you think about grabbing a bite to eat?" she asks me, and starts the engine of her car.
"Sounds great. How are you doing? I feel like all we talk about is me" I say honestly, surprisingly not worried about having to sit in the car.
"I'm good. And that's completely okay, you have a lot going on at the moment" she tells me, placing her hand on my arm gently for a few seconds.
"We just have to get through this tough time, and then we'll see what happens."
We enter the highway, and I surprise myself when I once again don't have any anxiety.
"And you will make it through. My opinion hasn't changed, I think the two of you are forever" Bree says smiling.
"Thank you, Bree. I appreciate that" I say, when we leave the highway after the third exit.
"You're welcome. And what you're doing for Jace right now is exceptional. Austin told me that he yelled at you this morning, that must've been tough. You're brave for staying" she adds.
I could tear up at her sweet words. "Stop it, you're going to make me cry" I say, laying my hand over hers.
"I mean it, love. And now, let's forget everything for a while" Bree says, turning the radio on.
Soon after, we arrive at the restaurant, and I'm glad that I can take my mind off of things for a good few hours.
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