Ryan: "There we go" she breathes, swaying from side to side as she stands in the kitchen with Mateo in her arms "We're just gonna rock for a bit." she slurs
Eyes fluttering closed in tiredness, Ryan begins loosening her grip on Mateo as her knees start to give out. Releasing her hold on him her eyes shoot open with a gasp as he hits the ground with a thud. Eyes widening she quickly bends down pulling him into her arms as he starts crying
Ryan: "Oh, my God" she frantically breathes, checking over his head "Are you okay?" panting in fear she begins rocking him back and forth as tears come to her eyes "Okay, okay. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm so sorry." she cries, frantically shaking her head
-
Wesley: "I think he'll be fine" she nods "How are you doing?"
Ryan: "Uh, shaky. Think the adrenaline's wearing off."
Wesley: "Well, then let's get you home. You both could probaby use a good night's sleep."
Sitting at the kitchen table, Ryan shakily holds her head in her hands as tears stream down her face. Sharply exhaling she looks over at where Mateo's car seat sits on the couch and a sorrowful look comes over her face
Ryan: This is probably the worst way to do this and I'm sorry. I just don't think I'd be able to say this to your face. I'm not in any danger or anything so you don't have to go to the police or come looking for me.
Cindy: "Let me just go grab this out of the oven."
Ryan: "Okay." she nods, watching her walk out the room before quickly standing from her seat
Ryan: But Mateo isn't safe with me. Not now and maybe not ever. I know you're gonna take really good care of him. And he's better off without me.
Ryan: "You're gonna see your dad in a little bit, okay?" she hums, placing a note beside Mateo as tears come to her eyes "I'm so sorry, Mateo." she breathes, placing a tear-filled kiss to his head before she grabs her bag, quietly hurrying out the room as she shuts the front door behind her
Driving along an empty road, Ryan sighs as she runs a shaky hand through her hair. After a moment a look crosses her face as she turns into a field. Driving along the grass she comes across a line of trees and in a split decision she presses down hard on the gas, crashing the front end of her car against the tree. The airbag goes off, knocking into her head which harshly hits the back of her seat. Slowly exhaling she allows her eyes to flutter shut as her head drops against her chest
Ryan: I love you. I love both of you.
Sitting in the silent field, Ryan gasps awake after a moment, coughing a little as she grabs hold of her head in pain. Exhaling she reaches over, grabbing hold of her phone poking out of her bag, slowly dialing a number
Operator: "9-1-1, what's your emergency?"
Ryan: "I need help." she breathes
•
Doctor: "Have you had any suicidal thoughts recently?"
Ryan: "Yes."
Doctor: "Frequently, sometimes, or rarely?"
Ryan: "Uh, past few months."
Doctor: "Have you had suicidal thoughts in your past?"
Ryan: "Thoughts but...not like this." she shrugs, staring blankly at a wall
Doctor: "What about before that? Growing up, did you have any feelings of depression? Suicidal ideations?"
Ryan: "Depression? Yeah. Off and on. Started when I was a kid."
Doctor: "At what age?"
Ryan: "Uh, young. I'm not sure. It was a little after my dad left. A few years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar depression."
Doctor: "That must've been confusing growing up. Not knowing what was going on."
Ryan: "Yeah."
Doctor: "Is there a history of depression in your family?"
Ryan: "My mom. She, uh...kind of spiraled after my dad."
Doctor: "Do you engage in any form of self-harm?"
Ryan: "No. But three days ago, I tried to kill myself in a car."
•
Laura: "Okay, after Tanya's done taking your blood, we'll take you to get an ECG and a CT scan, and then you can get some rest."
Ryan: "What happens tomorrow?"
Laura: "Breakfast starts at 7:00. Meds at 8:00. Group starts at 9:00." she nods, exiting the room as Ryan looks down at where her blood is being drawn, turning to look at the wall as tears come to her eyes
•
Slowly entering a room, Ryan pulls her robe around herself as she moves to take a seat. Looking around the room as she gives a small smile to the counselor sitting at the front of the circle
•
Sitting in her room she watches as a nurse places down a tray a food, giving her a soft smile as Ryan stares blankly at the tray
•
Laura: "Okay, and meds are at 8:00" she nods, watching Ryan who stares down at the photo of Matt and Mateo on her phone "You should try and eat something." she breathes, giving her a soft smile
•
Doctor: "Mrs. Casey, your TSH levels are borderline. Do you have family history of thyroid issues?"
Ryan: "Uh, not that I'm aware of."
Doctor: "Hmm. Okay. Let's run some more tests."
•
Laura: "Doctor's ordered another test."
Ryan: "More blood? Seriously?"
Laura: "You might wish it were blood." she hums, holding a large bottle
Ryan: "You-you want me to pee in that?"
Laura: "For the next 24 hours." she nods, making Ryan scoff as she looks at the bottle
•
Ryan: "Postpartum thyroiditis? What-what is that?"
Doctor: "At first, your thyroid is overactive. The symptoms can feel like typical baby blues. Anxiety, insomnia, irritability. Looks like the stress of having a newborn, but then it starts to slow down, or in your case, shut down."
Ryan: "So...what-what happens now?"
Doctor: "Well, now that we have identified the underlying condition, we can get you started on some hormone therapy" she nods, watching as Ryan begins tearing up "Ryan, you all right?"
Ryan: "Yeah, I'm...relieved. Since having him, I didn't know what was wrong with me. And my doctor wasn't able to tell me, so..." she shakily breathes in relief
Doctor: "Yeah."
Ryan: "Okay. Thank you."
•
Ryan: "You're transferring me?"
Doctor: "You're responding well to the treatment. I think it's time to move you to the outpatient program at our women's center. This is good news, Ryan. You get to go home."
Ryan: "Yeah. Great." she nods, blankly staring at the wall
•
Ryan: "So now what?"
Laura: "Let's take a walk."
-
Ryan: "So, are you from Chicago?"
Laura: "Nope. Borned and raised in California."
Ryan: "What brought you here?"
Laura: "My husband had to move for work."
Ryan: "Hmm."
Laura: "So, what about you?"
Ryan: "Uh, Chicago native all the way."
Laura: "You're a firefighter, right?"
Ryan: "Yeah. Well at least I was, I guess."
Laura: "Did you quit."
Ryan: "Uh, no."
Laura: "Were you fired?"
Ryan: "Haven't gotten the official slip so I'm not sure. But it's not the first time I up and left so...not sure how many more times they're gonna take that risk."
Laura: "Sometimes you just need a break. No matter what career path you chose. Believe me I've had patients that have for sure made me question my choice of work. Present company excluded."
Ryan: "Ah, thank you."
Laura: "But I still think the good outweighs the bad. Helping people, being able to watch them heal and get better. I'm talking about you, by the way."
Ryan: "You really think that I'm getting better?"
Laura: "I am no doctor, but I've been where you are, and I think you're getting stronger. You're stronger than you think you are, Ryan." she assures, giving her a soft look as grateful tears come to Ryan's eyes
Two Weeks Later
Woman: "I know he means well, but I'm so tired of him trying to help. I can't just turn that frown upside down, Jim." she sighs, shrugging her shoulders
Counselor: "Maybe you can bring Jim to our next friends and family session. Okay. Well, that's it for today. Thank you all. I'll see you on Thursday."
Sandra: "Matt called again" she informs, stepping to walk along side Ryan down a hall "Wanna hear the message?"
Ryan: "Uh, no. I'm okay." she shakes her head
Sandra: "Ryan..." she breathes, giving her a soft look as she takes a seat on the edge of her bed
Ryan: "I can't see or hear him yet. I'm-I'm not ready" she shakes her head, fidgeting with her fingers "I'm not ready to go home. I still have so much that I have to work through. I'm just not ready to face all that."
Sandra: "Ryan, are you...are you afraid of him? Is he..."
Ryan: "Oh, God, no. No, he would never" she assures, shaking her head "But I do think he probably hates me."
Sandra: "Why would he hate you?"
Ryan: "I almost killed our son. I was holding him and I guess I...nodded off. He slipped out of my hands..."
Sandra: "Oh, God." she breathes
Ryan: "What kind of mom does that?"
Sandra: "You wanna know why I started working here?"
Ryan: "Why?"
Sandra: "Because two doors down used to be my room" she informs, Ryan turning to face her in surprise "Before I came here I was finishing up a court-mandated rehab program. I got a DUI. Um...my-my-my daughter was in the backseat. I-I swear, I swear I never meant to put her in any danger. I...I was just so overwhelmed and..."
Ryan: "You were self-medicating."
Sandra: "It was the only way I know how to deal when things get hard. And I had to fight a...long battle for my ex to see my daughter. I had to prove that I am not a danger anymore. I missed her so much. But eventually I got to see her. And it was all worth it."
Ryan: "I just wanna get better for him. For both of them."
Sandra: "I know. And you will. But avoiding him won't help the problem...only add more turmoil to it." she shrugs, giving her a soft look as Ryan sighs, pulling out her phone to look at the photo of Matt and Mateo on her screen
•
Hearing the sound of a loud wail, Matt jerks awake as he sits up. Running a hand through his hair he sighs, looking at the empty spot beside him before he exhales, standing from his spot
Matt: "I'm coming" he breathes, moving to the room across the hall "I'm here. Daddy's here" he hums, pulling Mateo in his arms as he rocks him back and forth "I know, I know. Aw..." he coos "I know, I know" he nods, watching Mateo reach out to the picture of himself and Ryan sitting on a dresser "Yeah, I wish your mom was here, too."
•
Looking around the waiting room of the clinic, Matt sighs as he glances down at the time on his watch. Patting his thighs he shakes his head, standing to exit the building
•
Matt: "There you go, Teo. It's your favorite" he hums, holding a spoon up to his mouth "Come on, bud. Come on. It's your favorite. Vanilla bean you love it." holding the spoon up to his mouth he sighs as Mateo turns his head away
Kelly: "Hey, you get in to see Ryan?"
Matt: "Nope."
Kelly: "You know if you want I can watch Mateo for a bit. Give you a break."
Matt: "I'm good. Thanks though."
Kelly: "Family day's coming up soon. Maybe you'll see her then."
Matt: "That would require her coming out of her room long enough to face me" he shrugs, Kelly sighing as they turn their attention to where the doorbell rings "That's Candace." he informs, standing to open the door for her
•
Ryan: "Hi, uh, Ryan Casey. I believe there's a few messages for me." she hums, leaning against the front desk
Woman: "Ryan Casey and...here we are. Just press play and if you have any questions I'll be right back here." she motions to a room behind the desk, giving Ryan a soft look as she stands from her spot
Ryan: "Thank you." she breathes, taking a seat at the chair
Slowly exhaling she reaches forward, grabbing hold of the mouse. Taking in a small breath she presses play, leaning her arm against the desk
Matt: "Hey, Ry, it's, uh, it's me. Which you obviously know" he sighs, shaking his head "I, uh, I wanted to say this to your face but the nurse told me you're not ready for that yet so I guess this is the next best thing. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you the way you needed me to. And I know that you were freaked out over Mateo falling and I...I promise I wouldn't have been mad. Just-just relieved that he was okay. I would've pulled you into my arms and done whatever it was you needed. Whether it be to sit in silence or...tell you some of the worst jokes just to make you laugh" he chuckles, making a teary eyed smile come over Ryan's face "I know you need time. And if this place gives you what you need then I'm happy. Just know I love you. Teo and I miss you. And we just want you to come home."
Few Weeks Later
Ryan: "When I came here, I didn't know what to expect. I felt so many terrible things about myself, I thought everyone else would, too. Then, when I got here, um, I realized I wasn't crazy or...alone. You guys healed me. You made me feel stronger, and I-I just wanted to say thank you. To all of you. I'm very grateful. Especially you, Sandra. You were there when I needed a friend. I couldn't have done this without you." she nods at said woman who gives her a soft look
Counselor: "I think that's a good place to end today" she hums, looking around the group with a smile "And remember family day starts in one hour."
Sandra: "Hey. You ready?"
Ryan: "Uh, nervous. What...what if he doesn't show?"
Sandra: "Then you go to him. But it'll all be okay. Now come on. Let's go get you all pretty."
•
Hermann: "Hey, Casey. Cindy baked this for Ryan. Thought it'd make her feel a little better."
Cruz: "Oh, yeah family's day today. Shouldn't you be heading down there?"
Matt: "Severide can take it to her."
Kelly: "I'm not going. At least not this time. It's you she needs to see first, not me."
Matt: "Not so sure about that."
Kelly: "Casey come on." he sighs
Matt: "What? It's not you who's had to sit in a waiting room looking like a damn idiot" he scoffs, shaking his head "Ryan clearly doesn't wanna see me so I'm not gonna force it."
PA: "Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambulance 61..."
Boden: "Casey" he sighs, following said man who moves towards the truck "Casey. Matt. Matt, Matt" he grabs hold of his arm, stopping him from entering the truck "Look, I can't even begin to understand what it is you're feeling. But you owe it to yourself to try one last time" he nods as Matt keeps his gaze on the ground as the others, watching the pair with soft looks "Go get your family back." he hums, patting Matt on the back as he sighs, stepping away from the truck
•
Walking along the common room, Ryan sighs as she looks around the groups of people. Moving to stand by the window she looks down in sadness as she lightly shakes her head. Looking up her brows furrow as she notices a figure sitting on a bench across the street
Ryan: "Didn't wanna come inside?" she hums, moving to stand beside where Matt sits
Matt: "Was afraid you wouldn't come out."
Ryan: "Yeah." she sighs
Matt: "I just needed a minute." he hums, staring ahead as Ryan wraps her jacket tighter around herself, sitting on the other edge of the bench
Ryan: "How, uh, how have you been? Really?"
Matt: "Things haven't been easy. I mean with work, taking care of Teo, worrying about you..." he shrugs, sighing after a moment "You know I spent days sitting here on this bench waiting for you to walk out those doors. I even started to feel like I was crazy. That it was my turn to be admitted" he scoffs, shaking his head "But, here you are."
Ryan: "I know that you must have a lot of questions."
Matt: "I know why you left, Ryan. Just not sure why you stayed away."
Ryan: "Because I didn't think I'd ever get better. And it didn't feel safe to be around any of you."
Matt: "What happened with Mateo was an accident."
Ryan: "But trying to kill myself wasn't." she declares, making Matt's eyes widen
Matt: "You what?"
Ryan: "When I dropped him off at the Hermann's I thought that's it, he's safe. So I started driving, and I found an empty spot, and I rammed my car into a tree. My head was so full of all the mistakes I had made and all the pain I felt with my dad and Troy and Shay...and I just thought everybody would be better off without me. Sure they'd be sad at first but it would go away eventually" she shrugs, voice breaking as tears stream down her face "And Mateo, he's so young, he wouldn't even remember me as his mom, anyway."
Matt: "How could you even think that? Ryan, if you died, I would never-"
Ryan: "Never forgive yourself" she cuts him off, giving him a soft look as she nods her head "Yeah, I know. I got out of that car for you. For both of you. But I couldn't come home. I couldn't risk you or Mateo or Kelly walking in and finding me lying dead on the ground."
Matt: "Ryan...I would have done anything to help you."
Ryan: "I know. But this wasn't something you could fix. I needed to do it myself." she hums as Matt nods, looking down to fidget with his fingers
Matt: "So how are you? Really?"
Ryan: "Better. I needed to know what was wrong with me. And then I needed to learn how to come to terms with it."
Matt: "I'm glad." he nods as they sit in silence, a knowing look coming over Ryan's face
Ryan: "You hate me." she declares, making him sigh
Matt: "I don't...I don't hate you."
Ryan: "But you wanna. You wanna hate me but you love me. And you wanna love me but you hate me."
Matt: "You know I imagined a million times when I found you that we'd just pick right back up where left off. That we'd just go home. Put all this in the distant past but..." he sighs, leaning further into the bench "But now sitting here with you..."
Ryan: "I know..." she nods, exchanging a knowing look with Matt "I know."
•
Sandra: "So you're going home, huh?"
Ryan: "Yeah. I...I think I'm ready."
Sandra: "That's always good to hear" she nods, noticing a look come over Ryan's face "What is it?"
Ryan: "Was I gone too long?" she breathes, shaking her head as tears come to her eyes "I can't get back the time I lost."
Sandra: "No. But you can move forward. And the only way to do that is to forgive yourself." she nods, squeezing her hand in comfort