MILO'S P.O.V
My chest feels so fucking tight I can hardly it take a proper breath as Josh pulls into his driveway. I don't even know how I ended up here, I just needed to get out of the house so I decided to go for a run and the next thing I knew I was standing outside his front door.
I know I look like shit... I guess I expected him to look the same way after everything that happened last night but he just doesn't, he looks... good.
Happy even.
I guess he figured out what he wanted last night and that's where he's been then...
I try my best to get onto my feet but after running here and not being able to eat all fucking day, my legs feel like Jelly. Or maybe that's just the effect he has on me now.
What the fuck are you talking about Milo, it's the effect he's always had on you.
This would be so much fucking easier if he didn't have those eyes... that smile. It's not a big one but the tiny curl up in his lip like he's so fucking sure of his life is really throwing me off.
He went back to him didn't he?
"Hey, where's your car?" He asks, glancing around at the empty driveway. Just the sound of his voice does something to me it never should. Not anymore.
"I ummm... kind of... I was out for a run." He nods with understanding, by the fucking shape on him right now I'm guessing running is all he fucking does. I mean look at his...
It doesn't matter Milo, you know why you're here and you know what you need to do. You need to clear your fucking conscious so you can leave this place and never ever ever return because this man is just way too fucking beautiful for you to have in your life...
Standing more firmly, I force my body to comply with me as I look him in the eye. He kind of looks... nervous? I don't know why because what he should look is fucking angry.
"Look Josh, I just wanted to come and apologise for... trying to... Fuck, for trying to kiss you last night." And for destroying you ten times over before then. "I let my heart run away with me but I shouldn't have. I knew that you were with someone else and no matter what I thought was happening, I still shouldn't have done that. I want to apologise to Xade too, if I did anything to come between you and him-"
"There is no me and him, Miles, we aren't together anymore." He doesn't say the words with any pain, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing if it's just him suppressing his emotions again.
"I'm sorry, I didn't want that and I want to fix anything I broke. Do you want me to talk to him? I can explain that it was all my fault and get him to give you another chance if that's what you want. I'll tell him that I totally misre-"
"You're still really fucking cute when you ramble."
Excuse you?
Did he just say...? You can't fucking say that to me right now Josh... Besides, we both know that it's you that's fucking cute.
My eyes drop to his bottom lip as it becomes wedged between his teeth, a hint of amusement in his eyes when he just stares at me watching it... He's probably staring because you can't shut your fucking mouth! For God's sake Milo, pick your jaw up off the floor, this is embarrassing.
And ignore the crazy butterflies in your stomach...
"Josh... You can't... I mean, you shouldn't... Why would you say..." Words Milo! Remember words? They are those funny little noises you make with your tongue so that the people around you know what the fuck you're trying to tell them!
Josh just starts to chuckle, leaning back against his car and smiling at me before he looks down at the keys in his hands.
"Are you busy right now?" He asks, my head shaking almost fucking instantly. "Can I take you somewhere? I want to show you something."
He was looking ultra cool but there's a tiny flicker of doubt in his tone when he asks, one I wish I could just erase.
This isn't how I thought this was going to go... After last night I thought he'd still be so fucking angry at me but he's just... not. He doesn't even look like he's afraid to be near me anymore. Last night he was so fucking broken that it ruined me but now he just looks... lighter.
He just stares at me and I realise I didn't actually fucking answer him.
You can take me anywhere Josh. I'd go to the ends of the fucking earth with you.
I nod, I don't trust my words not to come out as the broken fucking English of a scratched DVD. He gestures towards his car, slipping into the driver's seat but never taking his eyes off me as if he's afraid I'm going to run away, until I'm in the passenger seat next to him.
Fucking hell, the smell of him is so strong in here. I feel like I'm buried back against his chest whilst wrapped up in a blanket all over again.
How is he so calm? His hand comes to the back of my seat as he turns around whilst reversing out of the driveway and even having him that close is making my head fucking spin.
What the fuck is going on here? Last night he basically said that I'm the worst thing that ever happened to him, this morning I'm ready to leave this place and never come back, now I'm in his car going on a fucking mystery trip?
How does he do this to me? And why am I never scared when he does?
I don't say a word to him, trying to make myself as small as fucking possible in this seat, if I sat comfortably I would definitely be fucking touching him so I just can't do that.
"Where are we going?" I ask finally as we turn out of the main part of town towards the coast.
"It's a surprise." Stop smiling like that Josh. You have to stop fucking smiling like that... All it does is make me look at your fucking lips.
I try to focus on anything else but the hundred questions I really want to fucking ask him right now. Following the view outside as we drive along the edge of the ever receding sea.
"Miles... I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have dumped all that shit on you, it wasn't fair. If I'm perfectly honest I don't think that it was even all about you. I haven't been great at letting myself feel everything the way I should for a while and I think it just all got a bit... much." He keeps his voice calm, but there's guilt there too as he squeezes his hands tightly on the wheel and takes a left turn down one of the slip roads.
"You have nothing to apologise for Josh, nothing you said wasn't true. I have caused you so much pain, it's understandable that you'd want to distance yourself from that before I make your life even harder than I already have." It all became very clear last night.
Josh breathes deeply, his hands so tight on the wheel that his knuckles are turning white.
"Don't say that Miles, please don't fucking say that." He's angry again but it doesn't feel like it's directed at me anymore, I think it's directed at himself. "I... What I said last night, I said without knowing all the facts. I was feeling like shit about hurting Xade but that has nothing to do with you, I started hurting him the day I let him believe I could offer him the future he deserved, that was long before you turned up again... I don't want you to feel responsible for any of that. I've been holding onto shit for so long... Anger and pain it turns out I didn't need too... then I spoke to Jayce and-"
"What do you mean you spoke to Jayce? When? I swear I didn't tell him shit about last night, I didn't want it getting out and ruining your chances with Xade." Josh shakes his head, the sea disappearing for a moment as we move down past the edge of town.
"It wasn't about that... He told me about your girlfriend. well I guess I shouldn't really call her that now should I?" He smirks slightly but it just makes me want to die. I knew he'd find out the truth about Ash eventually but I kind of sound so pathetic with my imaginary girlfriend, does he think I'm really stupid for doing that with her? "You should've told me."
I know.
"I wanted to. I just..." I was scared you wouldn't care.
"I understand why you didn't Miles. Jayce explained it all and I know I was the one that cut communication with us after the last anniversary so you didn't feel like you could. I shouldn't have done that.... It was just so fucking hard talking to you when..."
"We couldn't be together." I know, trust me, I fucking know. I look over at him, his skin so smooth I can see the vein throbbing in his neck before he turns to face me. My hand lifts from my leg, all my instincts to touch him taking over before I have to force it back down. Josh notices, staring at my hand now firmly back on my lap. "I'm sorry Josh, for all of it. I'm sorry for all the fucking pain I've caused you even when I was just trying to protect you."
Josh breathes deeply, soaking in the words but his eyes continuously flickering to me.
"Fuck it." I just catch the end of his whisper before he lets go of the wheel with one hand and reaches across the centre console to capture my own, the palms fitting together like a fucking glove.
Holy fucking shit, he's holding my fucking hand... He's holding my hand!
I just stare at him in disbelief as he smoothly slips his fingers between mine until they are sat united with his. What the fuck is this?
"Josh..."
"We've both caused each other pain Miles, we've caused other people pain too but it doesn't mean I should have made you feel like shit about it last night or ever before then. What we have has never been one sided, I wanted you as much as you wanted me on that dance floor and I'm sorry I made you feel differently." He wanted me... "We've made so many choices to protect the people we love, choices to protect each other and some choices just to protect ourselves too. It's just life, pain is part of life, if we didn't have it then we wouldn't be able to appreciate when things are so fucking good... I see that now."
Something has changed for him. The man I saw walk out on me last night was broken, he was riddled with guilt. He doesn't seem that way now, almost like the world has been lifted from his shoulders and he can take a deep breath again.
My eyes close as I just let my hand sit in his. I have to keep them closed or I know that the fucking tears will escape.
I don't know what the fuck this means but I'll take it, this time last week I would have given my fucking life to have five minutes like this with him.
We drive in silence, not even the radio on as I just sit and feel his hand in mine. I could stay like this forever, no matter what else fucking happens, I'll know I had this fucking moment.
"We're here." I'm so fucking exhausted from lack of sleep that the slow rhythm of the car, combined with the warmth of his touch sending pleasurable tingles of my arm, was enough that I'd almost fallen into a peaceful sleep as his words pull me back out of it.
The bright sun attacks my corneas as they widen to take in where we are, but nothing could've prepared me for this.
Fuck, it's beautiful.
The pale white sand of the secluded empty beach reflects back the sun like a river of light, the water beyond it such a crystal clear blue it's like it was made with his eyes for fucking reference. I've never seen anything so... magic.
When he opens his car door to step out we both hesitate for a moment, looking down at our conjoined hands before he squeezes mine gently and slowly slips away to embrace the warmth outside.
It's incredible... it's so fucking peaceful.
"How did you find this?" I've lived in Westbrooke my entire life and I never even knew that there were little private beaches like this.
"I've been waiting for one of these to come up for years, as soon as it was listed I had to have it."
Hold up.
"This is yours? You bought a fucking beach?" He chuckles as he nods, like this is just a normal fucking thing that anybody does... I can't believe this is his. It's like a tiny slice of fucking paradise.
"Technically I bought the plot of land, the beach just kind of came with it..." He murmurs, stepping away.
"Land? Where's the land?" God I could stare at this all day.
"Miles?" Shit, I was so fucking hypnotised by the sea I hadn't even realised he moved. Where is- "Miles, turn around."
Holy. Fucking. Shit.