I walk inside and quickly slip into the bathroom. Luckily the makeup is waterproof so I just pat away the wetness on my cheeks. I close my eyes and I can still feel his hand on my cheek, his words echoing in my head. I force myself to open my eyes and remind myself why I'm here. I smile in the mirror but it doesn't even reach my eyes. Teja it's time to pull yourself back together. I need to end this pity party. There is someone waiting for me who I chose to commit myself to and I need to focus on that. I leave the bathroom and go back to my suite.
As I'm walking back, I feel like I'm in a fog. I can see everything around me but the I'm still lost in the aftermath of what happened. I walk back into the room and everyone's eyes are on me. I'm greeted with hundreds of questions about where I was, why I was gone for so long, if I'm okay. I don't answer anyone and just sit down on the couch. My mom sits down next to me and rests her hand on my leg. "Teju where were you."
I sigh and put my head on her shoulder. "I just needed some fresh air. I was feeling anxious and needed some time alone."
She grabs my hand and holds it between hers. "Next time just tell us you're going or take your phone. We got scared. You're okay right?"
She turns to look at me and I swallow past the lump in my throat. "Of course I'm fine. Perfectly fine." I don't let myself think about what a lie that is.
I look up and in the corner of my eye, I see two of my distant cousins looking at me then whispering. I lift my head up from my mom's shoulder and while looking at them say, "Is there anything you two want to ask?"
They don't say anything but look at each other and giggle.
I ask again, "Come on. There's something you clearly want to say."
They look at each other and while laughing they say, "Nothing we promise."
I narrow my eyes and get up and walk towards them. "Come on say what you want to say"
One of them looks at the other and raises her eyebrow. She whispers, "Just let it go Teja. Calm down we were just joking with each other."
I smile and let out a dry laugh. "You know what? You both should leave." I grab both their hands and walk them to the door of my room. "If you want to bitch about me, go do it somewhere else."
As I am walking them to the door they start frantically yelling out, "Teja what is wrong with you. Why are you acting like this? You're overreacting." Instead of answering, I just shut the door in their face.
I turn around and walk back inside the room and see everyone staring at me. I look around the room and ask, "Does anyone else have something to say? Go ahead and say it then leave."
After standing there in complete silence for a few seconds, I go and walk over to the couch. My mom still in the same spot I left her, turns to me and says, "Teja what happened? What were they talking about?"
"I don't know but just some nonsense"
"But what happened that you yelled at them? You're not acting like yourself."
"I'm fine. Trust me."
"Teju you don't seem fine. You seem stressed and upset. You screamed at them for no reason."
I close my eyes and whisper out. "I'm fine besides what is there to be upset about." What a lie. How many lies will you tell Teja? I don't know why their whispering affected me so much but it felt like they were judging my choices. Just the thought of that filled me with so much anger. No one understands me or how difficult the choice I made was. Why isn't anything I do good enough? Once again that feeling of anxiety takes over but I repress it.
I turn to everyone in the room and say, "Isn't it time for me to go down to the reception hall."
Everyone's curious stares don't stop but they agree it is time to go. I walk downstairs with all my loved ones around me. They're smiling, laughing, dancing and I try to join in. I smile and laugh at all the right times but none of it reaches my eyes. I still keep walking reminding myself I'm doing the right thing. Nikhil is the one that suits the person I am now. He loves me and I love him and that is what is important.
I reach the end and Nikhil comes down the stairs to grab my hand. I put my hand in his and give him a smile. He whispers "You look beautiful" as he leads me up the stairs. As soon as we sit, my heartbeat accelerates thinking about how real this is becoming. It's one thing to imagine your wedding but to be in that moment is something else. This is real and it's happening. We're going to permanently tie ourselves to each other and the thought makes my palms sweat with anxiety. It turns out Nikhil was saying something to me but I didn't hear it when I was lost in my thoughts. I ask him to repeat what he said but before he can answer our families come for pictures.
In between each picture, our only interaction is agreeing to our relatives that say, "You make a great pair," "Nikhil doesn't Teja look beautiful," "Teja you're so lucky to have Nikhil." I force myself to smile but for some reason those comments make me so uncomfortable. Between pictures, his mom comes back on stage and says, "Teja why are you wearing that bracelet. It doesn't go well. Take it off and give it to me."
I look down at my wrist to see what she's talking about and realize which bracelet she's talking about. I look back up at her while covering the bracelet with one hand. I shake my head. "Oh no, I can't take this off."
"Just give it to me. I promise I'll keep it safe. What's the big deal?"
I can't. I won't take it off. I haven't taken it off in four years. It was my first birthday after we'd become friends. He was clueless so he went to the store and bought the first thing that looked nice. Little did he know it was engraved with the words "Always and Forever" inside. Since then I've taken it to be a sign that we'll always have a bond. Even if he's upset with me after today, that won't change things for me.
"No Aunty please." I look up at her with tears in my eyes. I guess Nikhil must see my expression because he turns to his mom and says, "Mom leave it. It makes her happy."
She looks a little put off by the fact that Nikhil took my side. "Okay fine leave it on. Its your pictures anyways."
She turns around to leave and starts mumbling under her breath but I can still hear it. "It's just a stupid bracelet. I say one thing for her own good and she acts like I'm asking a favor for me."
I force myself to stay still and not react. No matter how much I do, it's still not enough. This whole wedding down to what I'm wearing is what she wants. I want to keep one thing of mine and this is the reaction I get. I force myself to take a deep breath and calm down. Just let it go Teja.
A few more families come on stage for pictures and I force myself to keep smiling and make small talk but all I can focus on is her words and the bracelet. I want to tell myself that I didn't make a choice today, that Karan will still be in my life but I know it's not true. He might still be around but not in the same way. There will always be the tension between us of what if. What if I hadn't walked away. What if he asked me to choose him. Those questions will create a distance between us to the point that this always and forever engraving will fade away just like our bond.
I'm pulled from my thoughts by my mom walking on stage with a glass of water. She comes up to us and smiles at both of us. She places the glass of water at my lips, forcing me to drink. Once I've taken a few sips, I push the glass away. She squats down so we're at eye level and holds my hands in hers. Looking me in the eyes she whispers under her breath "You're happy right?"
I don't trust my words right now so I just nod.
"Teja the most important thing for me is your happiness, whatever that might be."
"Why are you saying all this? I'm fine."
She shakes her head and exhales. "Call it a mother's intuition. You might not want to hear it but I'm going to say it. We love you no matter what. Do what makes you happy, not anyone else."
Before I can even say anything, she gets up and places a kiss on my cheek. Before fully backing away she whispers in my ear, "You always have my support." Then she smiles at both of us and walks off the stage.
A few seconds of complete silence pass by between Nikhil and I. Me lost in my own thoughts and I guess Nikhil lost in his. "She's right you know."
I turn to Nikhil in shock. He heard our conversation? "You could try smiling once in a while. It looks like you are forced to be here."
Oh so he must've just heard the first thing and then made his assumptions about the rest of our conversation. I grit out, "I have been smiling. I'm not a doll whose smile never fades. Give me a break."
He rolls his eyes. "By the way, it is weird that you're wearing another man's gift on your wedding day."
I look over at him in shock. He wants to fight about this now? "Don't make it sound like that. You know what he means to me." Towards the end of my sentence my voice raises and a few people nearby turn and look at us.
He sees the people looking at us and smiles, trying to reassure them everything is fine. "Calm down. You're embarrassing me in front of our guests."
I close my eyes forcing myself to relax. I whisper, "I'm not even the one who started this. You're the one who accused me of I'm not even sure what."
"Okay fine I'm sorry. I was just overthinking and took it out on you."
I let out a breath. "It's fine." It's not but somehow this day has become all about keeping the peace. I prepare myself for another awkward picture but one of my cousins comes on stage.
"Before we resume taking pictures with the bride and groom, I've heard there are a few words they would like to say to each other. Jiju is going to start us off and let us give him the appreciation he deserves."
The room breaks out into cheers and he grabs the mic from my cousin. He holds the mic with one hand and holds my hand with the other. "I honestly didn't write a lot because you know I'm not good with words. I couldn't ask for someone else to be my partner in life. It's your heart that's so beautiful and your capacity to love those around you and put them first. I feel so lucky to have you. I can't wait to start our next chapter together"
With that, his speech is over. I try not to take offense to the fact that is all he has to say about me but it does strike a chord. He loves me because I put others first but is that fair? When do I come first for someone? Beyond that, the word life is ringing in my ear. We're planning on being together for life and while that thought should make me excited, it fills me with dread.
All I can remember is what my mom said about making sure I'm happy and everyone else's lack of recognition of all that I do for them. I'm staying here for these people? The point of me coming back was how it would affect everyone else if I backed out but what's the point if I'm not left happy in the end.
As if they can hear the doubts in my head, suddenly everyone's eyes are on me. I look around in panic and he smiles and passes me the mic. Even though I had already prepared the words I was going to say, suddenly I can't get a word out of my mouth. I look at Nikhil and I can't bring myself to say anything. It's like the words are just stuck in my throat and no matter how much I try I can't even get the words out. I was so sure I was doing the right thing minutes ago but all of a sudden I'm not.
I feel so overwhelmed and can't catch a breath. My mind is spinning with the stress of everything. I need to get away so I run off the stage into the bathroom nearby. I feel so overwhelmed I lean up against the wall and before I know it I slide down onto the floor with my legs against my chest. I hear a knock on the door but I ask them to give me five minutes. I close my eyes and it feels like I'm about to lose it. My brain is overrun with so many thoughts I can't make sense of anything. I need to pull myself back together. Everyone is waiting for me outside and I'm here losing it.
But when I try to imagine living the rest of my life with Nikhil, it feels like there's something wrong in the picture. I came back to Nikhil because it was the right thing to do. He is a good partner and this will prevent anyone from being hurt. On the stage though all I could think was that he's a good guy but I'm not sure if he's the one for me.
Is it fair that to protect everyone else from being hurt I'm letting myself hurt? I don't even know what is right or wrong anymore. Karan is the one I always dreamed of but how do I know that dream will survive reality. Nikhil is the more sure option but is it fair to limit myself to that. I know what the right thing to do is but I can't bring myself to face the hurt it will cause. How do I weigh the hurt I will cause with my own happiness?
Breaking me out of my thoughts, I hear Nikhil saying, "Teja I'm coming in." He opens the door and doesn't say anything. He just leans against the door across from me.
"It's Karan isn't it."
This gets me to look over at him in shock. "I... um... what do you mean."
He smiles and shakes his head. "I looked around the reception hall and didn't see him anywhere and I know he would've been sitting here if he was here. He's always there roaming around you"
I don't know what to say so I just stay silent. I'm not in the mood for another argument anyways. Honestly, what can I say that won't hurt him.
I guess my silence must irk him because he kicks the trashcan next to him. He takes his pagdi off and throws it on the floor. "Fuck it's always been him. No matter what I do it's not enough."
I open my mouth to say something but he puts his hand up to stop me.
"You know what I thought you were finally over him but here we are on our wedding day with him still in your mind."
I press my palms into my temples to stop the headache that is forming. "Do you even see that I'm here with you?"
He lets out a dry laugh and leans back against the wall. "You might be physically here with me but mentally you're with him."
I think about denying it for the sake of making him feel better but I need a break from being the one worried about everyone else's feelings. So I lean my head against the wall and close my eyes. I don't want to hurt him but can I honestly say I haven't been thinking about Karan the whole day.
I open my eyes hearing movement from him. He sits down on the floor next to me. Looking straight ahead he says, "Teja I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough or that you're settling. I feel like the whole time I've been fighting for your heart but you've given that heart away to someone else." He pauses and turns to me to look me in the eye. "Just tell me the truth. Do you want to go through this wedding, not because of anyone else, but because it's what you want?"
Hearing his words causes tears to well up in my eyes. "I don't want to hurt anyone."
He purses his lips. "I guess I got my answer when you ran away from the stage. Fuck I always knew this but I kept convincing myself differently."
I whisper out, "I just want you to know that I did love you."
He holds both of my hands in his. "You might say that but you never loved me the way you love him. Teja you realize he's the one you rely on for everything. He's your first call. He's the one you turn to. I was just a placeholder but your heart was always with him. I ticked all your checkboxes but that isn't love."
I think about the way Karan is the one I thought of calling this morning. He's the one I've called first with any news. He's the one that I look to for everything. I realize Nikhil is right. I might have been in a relationship with Nikhil but my person was always Karan. "I... I'm sorry. That wasn't fair to you."
"I... Teja it's too late for that. This whole situation. hasn't been fair to both of us and it would be more unfair to let this go on." With that, he stands up and extends his arm out to help me get up. After I get up, he leans over and places a kiss on my forehead then takes a step back.
I whisper out, "I guess this is goodbye"
He purses his lips and says, "It's time for us to stop keeping something alive that never existed"
I take a step back towards the door and say, "You're still one of the best people I've met. I just hope you find your happiness."
"Ya I'm going to work on that. I... uh... hope things work out between you and him."
We both step out into the hallway and before I can go toward the main hall, he puts a hand out to stop me. "You go handle your situation while I'll tell them the wedding is off and go home with my family."
I shake my head. "No wait I should go with you."
"To be honest I just want to take my family and go home. If we go together, they'll sit us down and try to solve what went wrong. It'll be easier for me this way."
I take a step back. "Goodbye then."
He takes a step back too. He sighs "Bye Teja."
With that, we both turn around and head in our own directions. We kept saying today we'd be starting a new chapter but we just didn't know that it wasn't with each other. Closing this chapter hurts in the way it does when a good book ends. You hurt because you'll miss the characters but internally you know you always had to let them go. We'll miss each other but we were never each other's to keep.
I quickly run up the stairs to my empty suite and grab my car keys and phone. As I run down the stairs I try calling Karan but he doesn't pick up. I try calling him again and just as I'm opening the door he picks up. "Hi" and just hearing his voice makes me so happy. It settles me and reminds me I'm doing the right thing.
I click the unlock button on my car. There's so much I wanted to say to him but at this moment all I can say is "Where are you?"
"You're going to the wrong car Teja. Look to the right."
I quickly turn around and I see Karan leaning against his car. All of a sudden I can't move but I also can't stop smiling. He tilts his head slightly and waves at me. This breaks me out of my freeze and I pick my lengha up and run towards him. The smile on my face never leaves. He stayed. He waited for me.
When I'm within hearing distance, he says "So I guess I was right. You were going to run from the mandap."
I reach him and immediately jump into his waiting arms. I wrap my arms around his neck and his hands go around my waist. In his arms, I finally feel all the anxiety I had throughout the day leave. He feels like home. This is what I had been unknowingly looking for the whole day when I was anxious. I bury my face into the crook of his neck and just keep mumbling "I love you. I love you. I love you."
He takes his hands off of my waist and holds my face in his palms. He smiles and kisses my cheeks, my forehead, my nose, finally my lips before he whispers "I love you too."
We stare at each other for a few seconds before I remember the comment he had made. I hit his shoulder. "I didn't run away from the mandap. We didn't even get to that part."
He takes his hands off of my face and again wraps them around my waist. "I should've known. You were gone for a little over an hour. You know you could've saved me a lot of anxiety if you realized things a little faster."
I raise my eyebrow and say, "Do we want to talk about who should've had some realizations earlier?"
He laughs and shakes his head. "No ma'am. Have I ever told you how hot you look when you're mad?"
"No, because if you had I would've either hit you or started blushing uncontrollably. But first I want to know what made you stay."
"Oh, I just figured this was a good place to wait for you to come to me or, if you weren't going to leave, I'd come and take you away from the mandap"
I hit his shoulder again. "Be serious."
He rubs his shoulder. "I don't remember you being this abusive earlier. Might have to rethink this."
Seeing the way my eyes narrow, he says, "Just kidding. I'm not sure why I stayed. I just couldn't leave. I figured if you did come then I want to be here because I know it wouldn't be easy. If you didn't come at least I would know for sure and wouldn't be left wondering. I also found a bottle of vodka in the back of the car and I probably would've just drank myself to sleep if I had to see your vidai."
His words and Nikhil's remind me of something. "I don't think I ever appreciated the way you've always been there for me so thank you."
He pinches my cheek. "I guess that's been my way of showing love for you. You don't ever have to say thank you for that."
I rest my head against his chest and in the complete silence around us I can hear his heartbeat. The way it's racing lets me know that he was just as nervous. I can't imagine what he must've felt like sitting out here waiting for me. The fact that he stayed on the chance I would come reminds me that he's the person for me. We have always been each other's person but it just took us a while to see that.
He whispers, "What made you leave?"
I lift my head up and similar to how he held my face earlier, I hold his. "You just wouldn't leave my mind. Everything there felt wrong and it wasn't until I was in your arms that things felt right."
"What about your family? I know you didn't want to upset them."
I rub his cheeks in reassurance. "You are the only exception because you're the one that makes me happy and that's what my family would want. They'll be shocked but they'll come around. Besides I'm pretty sure my mom suspects something."
He pretends to look around and teasingly whispers, "What if she saw us earlier?"
I try to push away from him, "Oh my god Karan! You're right. Anyone could see."
Instead of letting me go, he holds onto my waist tighter. "Let them see. Now that I have you, I'm never letting you go."
I give up struggling because truly I don't want to leave the safety of his arms either but hearing his words I raise my eyebrow at him. "Never? You could get tired of me soon. Aren't you too confident?"
He leans down and kisses my forehead. "No, I know I won't. You make me feel complete and that's a feeling that doesn't go away. I would marry you today if I could."
My mouth falls open in shock. "Shut up Karan. Be serious."
"I am though. We've been friends for five years. I know your every little habit. Besides don't they say the best foundation for marriage is friendship."
"We're not talking about this now. We need some time. What if we're totally different when in a relationship?"
"We won't be but you can take all the time you need. Just know I'm ready when you are."
I hide my face in his chest to stop my smile. I won't admit it to him but there were so many butterflies in my stomach at the thought of him marrying me. I just know if he asks in a couple of months from now I'll say yes.
I whisper "What do we do now."
He laughs and I can feel his chest vibrate. He points in the direction of the hall and says, "Now we go deal with the mess in there."
I look up at him, "Together?"
He smiles and looks down at me, "Always and forever."
People aren't wrong when they talk about right person, wrong time but sometimes when you find that right person you don't need to wait for timing. You don't wait for the timing to be right but change the situation so it is. If fate had us destined for each other then there's no use in waiting around for the right time. You grab onto the person and don't let go because if that is your person, the world will align to make sure it is your right time.
——- end ———-
tbh i had this in my drafts for a while but i haven't had the time to finish. but i'm back! this story is done but if yall have random os ideas lemme know. i'll try to write them when i have time
love,
kriti