27th December 1980
An- don't hate me
Once I'd finally cleared my body of all the alcohol and unnecessary symptoms a hangover carried, there was only one thing left to occupy my mind- and after the kiss we shared in the snow by very much my own drunken fault, it was obviously Roger.
I couldn't decided wether the move I made was one right or wrong. At the time it seemed like the only answer, the only way to feed the desperate craving, but after coming down from the high of it and examining the real aftermath- I wasn't sure wether the addiction was one worth relying on again.
I enjoyed being Roger's friend. Not because it was better than being with him, because nothing would ever compare to that, but because I knew I couldn't get hurt again if I was only a friend. But I was guilty for wanting more than I should, especially when I was drunk and falling for a man so hard I couldn't hit the ground without at least one kiss.
The others didn't know what advice to give, especially Julian- who's jaw remained against the floor for the entirely of Christmas and Boxing Day. They had no idea what the next steps forwards supposedly were, and neither did me and Roger. We didn't have a clue.
We'd spent one call awkwardly discussing his day at his parents and mine spent throwing up on Julian's sofa last night, and agreed that maybe him coming over wasn't a bad idea, which is why I was curled up in his jumper with a heavy anticipation for the door to knock.
There was one thing I didn't want to happen, and surprisingly even through he was without a doubt the best I ever had, I didn't want to have sex with him. Mainly because I wanted to be reassured that wasn't what he was here for. I wanted to know this time, if there was gonna be a this time, he would care for me the way he said he would that night in Charlie's.
That if he did ever tell me that he loved me again and could never find a flaw to match me with, he would mean it instead of use it as a desperate hope I would sleep with him that night. Though it may have been my own fault for thinking a man who started off as just a friend I shagged on the side would've really loved me truly, I couldn't help but want it to be true. And if there was going to be a 'this time'... then it had to be.
Soon enough the door was rattled by the same hand that had last been cupping my cheek, a small nerve taking to my mind as I jumped up to answer it. I peeled the door back to of course find Roger smirking down at me, scratching the back of his neck as I smiled gently.
"Hiya." He mumbled almost, stepping through the door before I closed it, the cigarette that he had between his fingers managing to make its way between mine after i stole it from his hold. "Feeling better ?"
"Yeah... recovered from Christmas with your parents ?"
"Yeah." He huffed a little, laughing as we both slumped down onto the sofa. "I very unfortunately couldn't stop thinking about you..."
I released a cloud of grey between us rather than any words that may have eased Roger's nerves, stumping out the cigarette in the ash tray before the drummer inched closer towards me. He swiftly took my cheek in his palm, watching my expression dust with pink as our eyes glared into one another's- up until the moment they closed as our lips met.
His kisses were needy, desperate to feel my lips after being parted from them for so long. He didn't want to wait any longer for what he felt like he had for years, subtly pushing my frame back onto the sofa until I was laid beneath him with my hands tangled in his hair.
Our lips didn't dare to break, his hands travelling further down my figure as our kisses feel deeper with each passing second- until I pushed him back slightly, watching his expression become concerned.
"Roger wait a sec." we both sat up, myself adjusting my hair as Roger didn't let his eyes break from my frame. I didn't want to say what I was about to say, of course I didn't, but when I'd been hurt the way I was what else was I supposed to think.
Kissing him again felt like it had all come back. All the memories of us, before we were friends, and now I knew all of them had been spent whilst he was dating another girl. And I couldn't bare that thought when I felt he didn't love me.
"What ?" He questioned, the silent pause we fell into managing to smother him completely, and layer a blanket of guilt across me. I didn't want to confess what was on my mind, only because I knew the response would play on my mind for days after and haunt my thoughts.
"I don't know if I can do this again..."
"Then we won't keep it all secret. We'll tell everyone... I don't care anymore. I'll run into the streets right now and tell everyone I wanna be with you if you want." He reassured me, pushing back a piece of hair that had fallen rogue so gently I knew I had to let my stare remain on the floor to not become ridden with guilt.
"No... I mean us. I don't know if I can be with you again. It still hurts- and I can't let myself go through it all again Roger. I can't be the girl you just shag... I can't. We're so good as friends... it's different." I shrugged, watching the concern his features held drop and blend into a slight annoyance, one that I fully expected. "And I-"
"You kissed me Lynn." He blurted out suddenly, scoffing as I nodded slowly. "You're the one that ran out the flat and kissed me."
"I was drunk, and I was desperate for you. I didn't think about it. I thought about our future, but I can't now without our past pulling me back. I thought I could do this but I don't think I can. I mean my god Roger I tore myself apart because of you... and I've never been happier than I am being your friend."
"So what did you expect to happen ? What did that kiss mean exactly ? That you were drunk and feeling a little bit flirty and I was the only straight guy in the room ? Do you think I kissed you back just for the fun of it ?" Roger got up from the sofa, pacing back and fourth in the middle of the living room as Toulouse jumped into his empty seat. "Say something Adelynn... please."
"I don't know ! But what I do know is that being your friend I wasn't gonna get hurt just as easily. This time when you cared about me it wasn't to get me in your bed... you didn't hug me in hopes of a kiss. This time it felt like you really did care about me, but that was because you were my friend Roger. And by being that I knew it was impossible for me to get hurt again." I yelled back, my arms throwing themselves around in dramatic gestures as Roger just shook his head and laughed.
"I've always cared about you Adelynn. Always. I thought I was gonna come round and we were gonna talk about how me and you were gonna work... not how we were gonna end. We've not even kissed in almost three years Lynn... everything is so different now. Completely. What happened is never gonna happen again."
"Roger you don't understand... I wanted you. And I cried for you. And I fucking hated you... and I hated you because I knew I would always choose you no matter what. And you fucking took that away from me."
"So what happens now Lynn ? We go back to never knowing each other ?" He sighed, his head dropping into his hands before they ran back through his hair as I nibbled at the edge of my finger tips. I didn't know anything, which is how the situation escalated so quickly, and I knew better than he did that I'd made a mistake. One I regretted too.
"No Roger... having you in my life is amazing. And my god of course I want to be with you... but I cant let myself. Whose to say you won't find a nice little side piece and tell her you love her- that what you did to Dom. I don't trust you. And it's not fair on either of us that we go through that again." I felt the horrid need to cry in that moment, let a tear or two roll, and that's because not only the look on Roger's face as he slumped down into the armchair, but because I knew what I was next going to say. "I'm sorry I kissed you."
"Right... ok. So- what it just goes back to being friends ? And I have to be ok with that ? I have to let go of everything and just be what you want me to be ? Stop being selfish for once and-"
"Selfish ? Selfish ? Roger what else do you expect ? You want me to just pretend like nothing ever happened between us before ? And that I suddenly just completely trust you ? You didn't even love me the first time, when it felt real, so how am I meant to expect you'll love me the second ?" I felt awful talking to him the way I did, each word that slipped feeling as if it fed into the look on his face I couldn't bare to he the cause of.
"No you don't get it. This time I..." he paused, thought about what he was going to say, and he decided he didn't let the words pass. "I think I should go. I think you've gotta think about this... and what you really want Lynn."
"What do you want Roger ?" I mumbled back, my teeth still chewing at the nails as he nodded slowly.
"I want you Adelynn... that's it. If it has to be as a friend then I suppose friends it will have to be. But I wanted to kiss you since the minute you came back into my life... but now I'm starting to think me and you aren't all that good for eachother." I tried my best to deny a gasp at the first string of words, and every one that followed after that felt like another stab to bundle onto the wound.
"Learning to unlove you took me years Roger. Trying to forget the way I felt in your arms, or how we danced together, the films we watched, your favourite song- and the way you made me feel. It took me years. And it took you nothing, because the entire time I was too busy falling in love with you, you were just hoping I'd stick around for another shag. It took me years, and it took you absolutely nothing... cause you were doing it the entire time." I rambled, every word seeming to break his expression another inch, shatter the way his eyes glared another shard.
It was true, the most of it. But I missed it out the part where my love had faded into something else. It took me years to fall out of love with him romantically, but it seemed as soon as I did he was back again. And that's when the love was forced into one I knew had to remain platonic... but I never wanted it to. Of course I didn't. I wanted to run into his arms and kiss him like I'd never get the chance again. But I wanted to run into the arms that would never leave me, the arms I would never have to share... and I wasn't going to rush into something I could never guarantee.
"Everything we had before was a lie. One you told effortlessly. Why would I go back to that ? I know I shouldn't of kissed you... but I don't trust you. And I don't want to let myself get hurt again." This time I didn't yell, or even manage to raise my voice above a whisper so pained and heart wrenching it almost killed me to mumble it.
"So what have I got to do ?"
"Let it be what it was. I think friends is the only way we can do this without getting hurt again. I wanna be with you, of course I do, but I wanna be with the right version if you. Not the wrong one again."
"I didn't kiss you the way I did for this to happen Lynn. I want what we had... right back at the start." He sighed again, the annoyance in his tone still too heavy to let him leave it behind. He was frustrated, of course he was, and he couldn't see how this was going to play out. And neither could I.
"We had a three month fling that involved me falling for you and you getting a shag whilst your girlfriend was away- I don't fucking want that."
"No... I mean the part where I was-" Roger stopped himself and froze, completely paused as his eyes flashed with the realisation of what he was going to say. "Look... I'm just gonna go. This is me and you... Roger and Adelynn for fuck sake. We'll work this out. I know we will."
"What if we can't ?"
"I want to be with you Lynn... we just need to work this out. I know I fucked up before but god you gotta believe me this time." Roger almost pleaded, getting up from his seat and heading in the direction of the door as I shook my head gently.
"But Roger... you're not listening. What if we can't ?" I repeated again, my hands shaking subtly as they stayed fixed between my teeth. He took the door handle in his grasp, attempting to open it but not finding the strength- knowing he was too weak to leave without answering me. "I don't know if you can be a part of my life as just a friend."
"Then this is it." He didn't want to bare the response I had, shutting the door behind him with a loud bang that made me jump slightly. The weight of guilt baring down on me forced me into the sofa, sinking back into the depths of the fabric as my mind already began replaying images of the argument I hadn't expected to escalate so quickly.
-
"Oh doll don't panic... it'll be fine. It's Roger for god sake." Julian tried to reassure me, handing me a cup of coffee as Summer nodded besides him. "You'll work it out."
"I'm being a dick aren't I ? I need to learn to trust him... I just- if he didn't even love me the first time how am I gonna believe he does now ? It frustrates me how much I love him. I've had to try and learn to live with that. He hasn't." I rambled, my legs bouncing nervously as Julian pulled my head against his shoulder. "I fucked it all up."
"Hey... we were there. We saw the state you were left in the first time. We don't wanna watch the same thing happen the second. But what I will say, rightly or wrongly, the way he treats you now is somehow different. He treats you properly, like someone he wants to stick around, not someone he wants to fuck later on." Summer added, watching my teeth chew at my bottom lip nervously as Julian's head rocked back and fourth. They were two of the only people that often managed to make sense to me, and I always seemed to find myself in their company when something went tits up.
"My advice ? Sleep on it... and think about it. Think about who you really wanna be to him. And then tell him. Tell him what you want. He's made it clear he wants you, but he doesn't have any idea what you want. Stop trying to let the past pull you so much, look at the future. And sometime you've gotta take risks doll. If you get hurt you get hurt... but it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. You kissed him... and drunk or not you wanted that. He really does truly care about you- he's been asking me all sorts about you. I mean... he was gonna ask you out on New Years."
"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck..."
An- I forgot sorry :)
thank you for reading <3