Harper
"I would never fall in love again until I found her, I said I would never fall unless it's you I fall into..." Until I found you by Stephan Sanchez played from my phone as we slow danced in my living room. Speaking the words we could not say.
"It's funny don't you think?" I spoke suddenly.
"What is?"
"I left three years ago and now you came after me."
"Always." a pause, "It's you I belong with. Home is here. And I'll be damned if I let you go again."
"Don't give me a reason to leave."
He held me tighter, kissing my head, "I won't."
I smiled, "This song is so fitting."
He nodded, "People are writing songs about us, that's how you know we were meant to be."
That made me laugh, "You're such a romantic."
He shrugged nonchalantly, "For you. Can't help it."
At this point, my feelings were spiralling, out of control but out of my heart and right into his, I was pretty sure he could feel my heartbeat beating at an unreasonably fast pace. And for him, always. I let out a sigh, "That makes two of us."
The smallest of smiles tugged at his lips, "I've been waiting for you to admit it."
I lifted my shoulder, "I wasn't going to make it easy for you."
"This is simply the beginning, sweetheart. Just wait. I'm making it up to you."
"Or you could get on your knees and beg," I stopped talking, a laugh left my lips as the thought of him begging entered my mind. Either way, I'd forgive him because my heart can't fight against it. Not anymore. Not ever.
That didn't make me weak, nor did it make me strong. I was falling in love with him all over again and that, made me stupid. But we were going to be stupid together because that's what we were made for. We were made for each other and we'd make up for all the time we've lost.
Now that things were falling back into place, I could officially say that my life wasn't perfect nor imperfect but that's what made it so exciting. The thrill of it all. Jumping into the unknown of tomorrow, with him. That's it, that's all.
He responded only with a smirk, making me roll my eyes. Then my laughter filled the air as he twirled me around. I laced our fingers together and started swaying with him to Line Without a Hook by Ricky Montgomery.
"She's a, she's a lady and I am just a line without a-oh baby I am a wreck when I'm without you..."
"My lady," he said almost to himself.
"And what are you to me?" I asked.
"You tell me."
He's everything to me. There's not a word that describes his importance in my world. He's my love. My Ace. And once upon a time he was my boyfriend. But that was long gone. We weren't like that anymore. It was something deeper than that. The feelings I harboured for him, bottling them up and getting drunk off of them.
If love was poetry. The things I felt for him were sonnets. Music and poetry were alike. Music was wordless, all feelings. You could feel the emotions, the romance, in your heart. Poetry was the somewhat opposite. Just words, no music. Only in your soul, could you hear the melody. The words either made your chest ache or flutter with butterflies.
Words were nothing. But music, no words, nothing. Just feelings. The melody told you everything you needed to know. No poems could dictate how I felt about him but the sonnets could. A soft, slow, passionate song playing in the background.
This one playing specifically, was an example of both. It wasn't the words I was looking for but the hymn, the rythme to which my heart flowed with feelings, all for him.
Perhaps I should become a poet, with all the poems I've written both in my mind and in my notebook. Only then could I find the words to show him how I felt. Put in the music and I got the perfect song. One my soul sang to his.
First I needed to gather my feelings and pour them out onto paper. I might do that later, my mind currently flooded with infinite thoughts of him while my heart, infinite feelings for him.
Love and hatred were similar, as the poets said. Both embedded with passion, which came from the heart. And the heart had absolutely no control of the two. It's in the mind, where the hatred formed and in the heart where the love grew.
In the end, it's up to me to decide who'd win the battle. A small part would always resent him for what he did, but even then, I could never completely hate him. My heart only had so much capacity for all these feelings. Hatred was quickly diminished as all the love grew, each and every day.
"I don't know," I said finally, fighting back a stubborn smile.
I don't know. The phrase that meant an infinite amount of things. My very best friend. It wasn't that he meant nothing to me, it was that I simply didn't know who he was yet. A stranger whom I loved, still loved but he wasn't a stranger, not really. My heart knew him well, really well. It was in my mind where the smallest bit of hesitation lied.
But in time, it'll go away. I'd be able to call him mine without having an ounce of fear. I wanted to call him mine now, in this moment, but I had to wait. I was going to make it special when I did. Suddenly I was a teenager again, asking him out with a ring pop.
He didn't falter and I was grateful he didn't take this personally. "That's fine. We've got all the time in the world to figure it out, Harper," he said.
I pecked his lips, a small reminder that I was still with him. When I'd ask him to be mine again, it'd replace the day I walked away, both the memories and the pain. That was the plan and I had a feeling it'll be okay.
Definitely a poet at heart. It's funny how so many thoughts, consisting of words, were crowding my mind and yet, I couldn't find a single word that described the place he had in my heart. One day, I'll find one and it'll mean more than any poem, any song, any kiss. More than anything for that matter. Perhaps for now, a smile would do.
"Thank you, for everything," I said, giving the smile.
"I should be thanking you."
"For what?"
"Not giving up."
My heart leaped out of my chest and right back into his grasp, "I would never even think of it."
"Good. 'Cause neither would I."
"We're so stupid," I laughed out.
"But we're together."
"We're together," I confirmed.
"It's you and me Harper, I'm not going anywhere." a suggestive pause, "Don't know about you though."
I laughed a little harder, "Give me some credit, I'm staying, and that's final."
"Promise?" He said, the smallest trace of vulnerability was laced in his voice. I did that to him.
"I promise. Heart swear."
He smiled faintly at the memory of us. Young, stupid and in love. Making promises we shouldn't have. Only for them to break, like our hearts. And years later, mended back together, staying together, stronger than before. The pieces complete again, hand in hand, side by side. In each other's embrace, we found home.
He pulled me impossibly closer into his arms, hugging me tightly, scared I'd slip away as I did that night. "I'm so stupid for letting you go," he whispered.
"I'm stupid for walking away."
"But we're here now."
I nodded against his chest, "And here we'll stay."
The feeling I had right now was similar to petrichor. After the raging storms, the aftermath was absolutely worth it. It's beautiful, it's ethereal. It's perfect.
"Getting my hopes up, Santos?"
"I don't even know what I'm doing."
He kissed my head, "You're driving me crazy."
"You're one to talk."
Rolling his eyes, he cupped my face with his hand, tilting my head to his. My lips parted as our eyes locked, our gazes speaking what words could not. And without a second thought, he pressed his lips to mine. Our lips moved together in perfect harmony.
This was the feeling. Whenever he kissed me, I got it, like I was floating. In space? I didn't know but it was euphoric, surreal. I was away from all the cruelness of this world, with him. Protected by his embrace.
I wished I could stay like that forever. Which was impossible. So I'd settle for all the tomorrows we'd have, both our souls falling into an infinite moment of forever.
"Baby, I-" he started.
"Shut up," I kissed him back with all the love I had in my heart.
He smiled, this time a real smile. A smile that told me what I needed to know. Everything. In this moment, I could say the feeling was definitely mutual.
My smile matched his as we kissed, closing our eyes. Kissing in my living room, music playing. Could tonight get any more perfect?
But how long would this last? I thought, in the back of my mind. When we pulled away, I opened my eyes at the same time as his and caught that flash of emotions dancing in his gaze. Making me get bleary-eyed.
I felt like he was my drug and slowly, I relapsed. Over and over again.
I wanted him forever. I wanted to hold him until I couldn't anymore. I wanted to shield him from the darkness. I wanted so many things, and I'd give everything to get them.
"Don't cry," he said, brushing my tears away with his thumb.
"Happy tears," I reassured him.
He shook his head, "I've made you cry so many times. Too many times."
"Maybe I'm just a sensitive person. Maybe I really am weak." I had so many weaknesses, so many flaws. All of which he could take advantage of.
"I don't think it makes you weak. Your heart is pure, fragile, thoughtful and absolutely beautiful. That makes you strong. Another thing I admire about you."
"Love does help one grow," I agreed.
"Those feelings are all for me, yeah?"
I laughed harder, "Yeah." More tears fell.
"If you cry too much, you'll run out of tears."
"Then stop making me cry."
"Only thing I'm good at," he said, smiling faintly. A sad smile. That was a lie though, he was exceptionally good at giving me butterflies. He made me feel everything. All the vulnerability, the love, the raw emotions. Pain and happiness, all in one.
"There it is," I whispered, kissing his dimple, admiring his smile, holding the beauty of the universe right there. Right here, in my arms.
His smile dropped, making me frown. "What's wrong?" He gave me silence in response, "Keep smiling, it's the most beautiful thing ever."
"You mean that?"
"Of course."
"You're doing that thing again," he said. My frown deepened in confusion.
"What thing?"
"Making me feel things." a pause, "You're turning me gentle, baby."
"Only thing I'm good at." I said, mimicking his deep tone.
He chuckled, kissing my hair, "For you, I'm trying." He rested his chin on top of my head, "As long as I get that smile, all that matters."
"Smile more," I suggested.
"No."
I snorted, "Fine." I pulled away from his embrace, "Now enough of that drama, I want to go on a walk."
It was nice and dark out. Perfect late night walk setting. He rolled his eyes at my randomness and tendency to switch topics. "Now?" I gave him a look, before nodding. "Nah," he pulled me back, picking me up bridal style. My shriek was muffled against his chest.
"I wasn't asking," I said.
"I think I'm rubbing off on you."
"You're a bad influence."
"Should I stop seeing you then?" He questioned, setting me down on the counter, standing in between my legs. Oh my.
I grinned, "Probably."
"Okay." He arched an eyebrow, which had to be the hottest thing ever.
"You're so-" I said breathlessly, he cut me off, kissing me deeply. Shutting me up with a kiss, classic Ace move.
"It's you and me—Tonight. We can do whatever you want—But for now, let me have this." He muttered, between kisses. I nodded, not able to respond properly. Instinctively, I wrapped my arm around his neck, while my other hand rested on his shoulder, pulling him impossibly closer. "I've missed you Harper—Fuck I love you."
"I love you," I breathed out against his lips. Making him smirk.
"Say it again."
"I love you."
"I love you. I'm so in love with you Ace." I cried.
"I don't fucking love you," he said, an emotionless smirk playing at his lips.
I said it again while letting him kiss me for all the times he couldn't. Pushing away the memories.
"I love you." he whispered. The words my heart longed for.
The words replaced the horrible ones echoing in my mind. And for once, there was silence. It was just him. He finally broke the kiss, resting his head in the nape of my neck. "Make me forget." I said quietly, knowing he'd know what I was referring to. He lifted his head, meeting my eyes.
"I'm going to keep telling you until you forget about that night."
"I don't think that's possible."
"Don't care. I'll try."
I smiled, caressing his face with my hand, "It's going to be messy." He waited for me to elaborate, "Being with me." I may have my life together, but deep inside, it's complete chaos.
The past was slowly breaking me, piece by piece, all over again. I wasn't perfect, my life wasn't all that either. There are moments where the past came back to haunt me, where I'd feel like I was falling apart. And there were others where I was happy, finally at peace. It came and went as it pleased. So every time, I got up and faced it.
That's the beautiful thing about being alive. Feeling everything.
"Then we'll clean up the mess together," he said.
"The mess you created."
He groaned, "Yes, that."
I pressed my lips to his cheek, "I'm not going to stop doing that."
A sigh, "Figured."
"I'm not sorry."
"I deserve it." He mused.
I got off the counter and stepped into his arms once more, hugging him tightly. Catching him by surprise. A smile touched my lips, the infinite amount of possibilities of what could've happened next crossed my mind.
There was only one more thing I needed to do. I learned to fall in love with myself and now, I had to learn how to love him again.
"I want to show you something." I was welcomed by silence, elaboration was necessary. "Come on." I tugged at his hand, for him to follow me out of the living room.
"Just a minute ago you were crying and now you want to go where exactly?"
"A walk."
There was this really nice antique shop a block away from here and I thought he'd really like it. They sold old artwork and classic books, romance and poetry. Basically, the store was the definition of art.
"It's late."
I checked the time in the microwave and a gasp left my lips, "It's eleven eleven."
He smiled, "Make a wish?"
I wished this would last forever. This sense of happiness, peace. This feeling that we could be forever. I didn't even care that forever was only a fairytale and not reality. "What did you wish for?" I asked, as the clock turned to eleven twelve.
"If I tell you, it won't come true."
I shook my head in amusement and led him out of the kitchen, he gave me a questioning look. "Just trust me. You'll see." He rolled his eyes, following me out of the house. Hand in hand, we walked down the sidewalk. The nice cool summer night breeze kissed our faces.
"I love summer," I prompted.
"Even the bugs?"
I laughed, "Except the bugs."
"You like all seasons."
"But summer's my favourite."
"Why?"
I shrugged, not really knowing why either, "What about you?"
"I like autumn."
"May I ask why?"
"Don't know either," his lips lifted into a smirk, telling me that he did know. Letting out a sign, he squeezed my hand. "It's when you walked back into my life. Literally."
I thought back to the night we met, re-met. It was a nice late September night. Cool wind, dim and gloomy outside. Full moon. The setting was pretty much the beginning of a horror movie. Until it became romance.
That night led to the greatest story written in the stars. It was as though, the stars realigned and the universe decided to shove us to each other, making everything fall into place, only for it to fall apart. Then for the finale, it's all coming together again. Things were different but better than before.
"Never mind, I think autumn is my favourite too."
A chuckle left his lips, "Spring is my least favourite because that's when you broke up with me."
"Early summer is when I walked away." I added on.
"But this summer is when I came back."
"So in short, the order of seasons, best to worst, is autumn, winter, summer then spring."
"Yes."
"Spring symbolizes new beginnings and growth. It's when the storm disperses and flowers bloom."
"You think we fell apart in order for a new beginning to arrive?" he questioned.
"Sort of, yes. But that doesn't mean it was a good thing. Sometimes things need to happen so that we can learn and do better."
"I agree. I think we've come a long way."
I nodded, looking up at the starry night sky, glistening back at me. There was a reason why they shined so bright, just like how there was a reason why we always found our way back.
"Are you happy?" I asked.
"I think so." He glanced at me, "Are you happy?"
"Yeah."
"What does this mean?"
"It means, we're getting somewhere."
"A good place?"
"A better one than before."
"What if something bad happens," His voice was quiet now.
"We won't let it happen."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I'm not," I replied honestly.
"We're fucked."
This made me laugh, "That's one way to put it."
"I promise I won't do anything stupid," he offered.
"I don't know if I can trust you on that one," I said, in a teasing manner to which he glowered. "Kidding. And I won't leave unless you give me a reason to. Deal?"
Letting go of his hand, I held mine out to him, waiting for him to shake it. Amusement flashed in his eyes as he shook my hand. And when I smiled up at him, his gaze softened. "Deal."
I re-intertwined our fingers, leading him to the store right ahead of us. 'The Midnight Boutique'.
We waited for the walk sign to appear, watching as the cars drove past. Crossing the street, he asked, "Is it even open?"
"Yes. They close at midnight so we better hurry."
He nodded, letting me drag him into the store. The doorbell chimed as we stepped inside. I watched his expression in anticipation, while he looked around. The store clerk greeted us then went back to reading the newspaper.
Ace let go of my hand and slowly walked towards the wall of paintings. I decided to let him have his moment and went over to the bookshelves. The classics, romance and poetry section.
I scanned the spines, reading each title. There were a few copies of older versions of Romeo and Juliet, Macbeth, A Midsummer Night's Dream... more Shakespeare. Virginia Woolf, Agatha Christie, Jane Austen, Charlotte Brontë and many others.
I've read most of these books for school and for my own enjoyment. However, I didn't have this specific copy of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Or the old version of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë.
I picked them off the shelf and went to join him by the paintings. The sight in front of me warmed my heart. He was leaning down to the elderly man's level, listening attentively as he spoke about the artwork.
"... My wife made most of these, in the early 70s. She said she wanted to have her own store. We didn't have the time or money but after she passed, I made it my mission to open up one. Been in business since 1985..." he explained.
"That's lovely. What was her name?" Ace asked gently.
"Maude. She would've loved to meet you and your wife," He replied, taking a pause to cough. "You two have been together for how long?"
"Almost four years, sir. She just took me back though."
Four years.
I made the calculations in my head. We were together for about six months before we ended things. Fast forward three years later, he came to find me here.
Almost four.
He really counted them, even the ones we spent apart.
"Ah, young love. You remind me of how Maude and I used to be like. We had our ups and downs. Better cherish these moments, you never know how much time you have left." a few more coughs, "And call me Jered."
"I don't plan on losing her again, Jered."
Jered chuckled, "Attaboy. Now this one..." he pointed to a canvas and began telling the story it held.
I watched them, listening, smiling to myself. My heart did that thing again. He wasn't planning on losing me again. I didn't plan on leaving either. Guess we were stuck together for all of eternity.
I caught the smallest of smiles touching his lips as he spoke with Jared. I knew he knew that I was looking at him.
He meant for me to hear that.
I rolled my eyes playfully and buried my face in my books. Hiding my smile from him.
Perhaps we could make our own definition of forever and simply let it happen.
After all, Forever was indefinite. Infinite. Limitless. Timeless.
It could mean one tomorrow or a thousand more. It was up to us to decide.
There were millions and millions of romance novels, each ending in their own unique way.
Some sad, others happy, some heart rending, heart shattering. Bittersweet or simply bitter.
But it didn't matter, it always ends.
Some never got their forever, but they got the 'forever' they deserved.