Chapter 19
We can't change everything, so let's continue it until the last fight.
Jazure was in the bathroom, I sat on the sofa while waiting for her to finish inside so we could take a walk while we still had time. We had just finished bathing in the sea, hapon na kaya hindi na masakit ang sikat ng araw sa balat.
I looked at the bathroom door as it opened, Jazure peeked there and pointed to her bag that was on top of the bed. "Can you take my face towel from the bag?" I nodded, she closed the door again.
I approached where her bag was and opened it, as I was looking for the face towel she was saying I was suddenly stopped and shocked to look at this thing. I can not talk.
When I heard her voice again I immediately took what she was asking for and laid it on the floor and left there.
I was out here deep in thought and looking at the beach. I can't quite imagine that she could do that, I feel sorry for her condition. I could see how much medicine she had to take. I combed my hair because I overthinked again.
I remember my Mom when she still suffering, I can't stand seeing her crying with pain. I can't help but to hug her, every time I see Mom my heart is like broke into pieces, I felt I'm useless child. Dad use everything he can to make sure Mom will survive but the world so cruel for us. Untill now when times I remember Mom, my tears flowing like a rain. I feel pity to myself, I can't help myself to move on, I'm still stuck at my past.
I feel my fear came back again, of losing the people I value around me. I see myself as I used to be in the path of Jazure. I remember how brave mommy like Jazure.
I want her to be with me in filling out her bucket list.
I stopped thinking as I could feel her presence beside me now. She smiled at me as she was not in pain. My heart softened, her eyes glowing as she looked at me.
I smiled at her and held out my hand, she no longer hesitated because she quickly gave her hand. I held her hand as we walked towards the beach, the sun would set in a few minutes. I want us to watch it before going home.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her watching the kids running and playing. Suddenly my two cheeks blushed when she turned to me, her forehead furrowed when she saw my cheek was red. Out of embarrassment I let go of her hand.
We are now inside the souvenir shop, we are both shopping for things. She smiled happily as she pointed to the silver necklace with the bird pendant. The old woman, who had been watching Jazure, laughed softly. The old woman handed her the necklace, unable to explain her delight because she was discounted.
Keychain palang ang nabibili ko para kay Ryan at Jacob. "Farrel ang cute nun." I looked at what she pointed out. She immediately took it to the old woman. I looked at her. "Can you wear those two?" She laughed because of what I said.
"Sino bang nagsabi na ako lang ang magsusuot?" bumusangot ang mukha ko, huwag niyang sabihin na ipapasuot niya 'yan sa akin.
Agad akong napayuko ng makita ko ang mga mata na nakatingin sa amin ni Jazure habang siya ay nakangiti lang na parang natutuwa pa. We wore a couple hat with panda pattern design. "Tara doon." she pointed to the hanging chair overlooking the sea. When we went there, the cold wind greeted us.
She closed her eyes and raised both her hands as she felt the surroundings. We both sat in the hanging chair while accompanying the movement. The sound of the waves envelops the entire perimeter.
I stared at her face, all my life I've only just started so close to a woman, only in her did I find who I really am. She became my instrument to return to me my forgotten self. Even with her simple sermons I learned, I admired her even more because of her kindness to everyone. She was the woman everyone dreams of, the woman next to me who made me feel what a person’s life is for.
I blinked three times and quickly averted my gaze. “Thank you for keeping your promise to me…” she said. "I'm happy that I'm taking my life with you, even if I get lost in this world… always remember that I'm always looking at you from the blue sky." we just looked into each other's eyes. I felt a pain in my chest because of the words she left out.
Can't she just fight until the end? I knew I would be selfish but I still wanted her to be with me in all my achievements. I held her hand, she even sighed because of what I did.
I stared deep into her eyes even though I knew how deep her gaze was. “If you get tired, don’t give up, you can rest on my shoulder,” I said. "If you're having a hard time, you can hug me. Just don't give up." I was stunned when tears suddenly came out of her eyes.
"Isaiah 60: 22," ngumiti siya. "When the time is right, I, the Lord, will make it happen."
She bit the bottom of her lip. "I can't hold on to my life, maybe tomorrow, later or today I'll be gone but that doesn't mean I'll leave you for life… if I go first I'll wait for you no matter how long."
Kanina pa ako nakatitig sa kanya na patuloy pa rin sa pagsusulat sa kanyang notebook. She said she just checked the bucket lists we had made. I took the chuckie placed on the table, I poked the straw into it and sucked. We are in the park now, the air is fresh unlike the previous days which were very hot.
She put down her notebook with a smile and looked around. We just finished walking on the running field earlier, because that was also part of what she wanted to do. We both wore hoodies, I don’t even know if destiny meant that we were the same colour hoodie. If people look at us here today maybe they think we have a relationship. She also asked me earlier not to use the phone so that we could miss where we were going.
Nakasabit lang ang camera sa aking leeg minsan kinukuhanan ko ang mga lugar na napuntahan namin, I can't even count how many I've taken so far. I'm happy but I can't help being sad or angry with myself because the closer I get to her the more I will be hurt eventually.
Maybe if it's just a game, I'll be the loser in the end…
We both stood while looking at the entrance gate of the amusement park. It's already afternoon so there are more people around. Ilang boltahe ng kuryente ang dumapo sa aking balikat ng biglang dumikit ang kanyang pisngi dito. Hinawakan ko ang kabila niyang balikat. "Huwag kang lalayo sa akin…" I whispered to her. She was no longer but she just followed me.
Kanina pa niya ako pinipilit na sumakay sa viking dahil nakasulat ito sa bucket list so I could do nothing but follow her. I can’t explain how I feel right now, I’m dizzy and nauseous. I didn't realise that I had been holding her hand before, I just felt her squeezing my hand as she was saying that everything would be okay.
I took a deep breath as we finally got down, I thought she would laugh at me because of my reaction earlier but there I was wrong because she even apologised. I softly smile at her and mess up her hair. "I can deal with all my fears as long as we fulfil your bucket list."
We went to the cotton candy shop, we just watched the man making the rabbit shape chosen by Jazure, her eyes were glowing when the man handed it to her. I took out my wallet and paid for it. We sat in the couple chairs, she opened her notebook again and checked the accomplishments we had made today.
I can't smile now because of my condition, we are wearing jusi barong and baro't saya. Nakaharap kami sa isang photographer. Napalingon ako sa kanya ng mahina niya akong siniko. I straightened up while still looking seriously at the camera, other people looking at us while waiting for us to finish. The photographer signalled again for us to come closer.
I took a deep breath and faced her, I took her hand and pressed it to my lip before placing it on my left chest. She was still surprised by what I did but also quickly adjusted. When we finished taking the picture I immediately let go of her hand as I realised how fast my heart was beating.
She pinned the pictures to her notebook. We were inside a coffee shop. I looked out of the transparent window. It’s Saturday so you’ll see the teens taking a walk today with their friends. I glanced at her notebook again but she quickly pulled it away from me.
"Can I write your name here?" she asked. I nodded sparingly.
I was in our classroom while I continued to message her. She was admitted to the hospital again so she can’t go to school now. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her condition. I can't focus properly on what we're studying right now, thankfully Jacob gave me a chuckie which calmed me down.
Our long test is over but I still don't see any jazure around. I waved to Ryan and Jacob who were now leaving in their cars. Jazure told me which hospital she was admitted to so I thought that today I will visit her and I have nothing to do at home.
Nagtanong tanong ako sa mga nurse kung saan ang room niya at mabilis ko din nahanap ang numero. Nasa harap na ako ng silid niya, kumatok ako ng ilang beses at maya-maya pa'y bumukas na rin ito. Bumungad sa akin ang mukha ng isang matandang babae, siguro lola niya. She smiled at me and opened the door for me.
Gulat naman na napatingin sa akin si jazure na nagbabasa ng libro habang nakahiga sa kanyang higaan. "Anong ginagawa mo dito?" takang tanong niya, inilapag niya ang libro na binabasa niya sa lamesa malapit sa ulunan niya.
Nagpaalam naman ang lola niya na lalabas muna siya kaya naiwan kaming dalawa sa loob. "I just want to know if you're okay," I said.
"And so I came here so we can do the ones on your bucket list that we can do here." she just looked at me to check if I was telling the truth.
Ngumiti siya ng malaki sa akin. "Tara?" my eyebrows met, she suddenly got up from her bed and pulled me out of her room. She dragged me, we even met another nurse who was busy with their patients. We headed down the aisle which led to the rooftop of the hospital.
We both gasped to stop high, she held onto her two knees while gasping for breath. I was caught in my chest because of the speed of its pulse.
We were immediately distracted by the view here upstairs, I could see the various lights coming from the tall buildings. She stared at it full of admiration. "How many times have I seen it once when I'm running away, it's still not boring to watch."
I approached her place and looked at it as well. We watched it both. "Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clean your path."