James did not let himself sleep that night, he didn't want to. He held El close to him, committing the feeling to memory. He spent hours with his eyes open, just laying there, his mind moving so fast he was surprised El couldn't hear it. He slipped out of bed just as the sun began to rise and placed a charm over the flat so that Eleanor could not open the windows or the front door. He took El's wand off the bedside table and placed it on top of the fridge—somewhere far out of her reach. He got a calming draught out from the cupboard, along with several bottles of various liquors.
Everything he was doing felt so wrong. Guilt pooled in his stomach, it almost made him feel ill. He poured himself a glass of whatever was closest to him, swallowed it in one, then returned to the bedroom. He crawled back into bed, being as quiet as he could to delay El waking up. He curled against her back, slotting her body into his.
James didn't know how long after that El woke up, her eyes slowly opened and she moved for the first time in hours, turning over and nestling into James' chest.
"Morning," she mumbled.
James turned his head so his cheek rested against her hair, his hands stroking up and down her spine. "Morning, love," he sighed, his stomach filled with dread.
El pulled herself out of his arms and stood up, putting on a jumper and pair of James' boxers. He watched her get dressed before getting dressed himself.
Regulus was already awake when El walked out to the lounge. He was sitting on the sofa, biting his nails as his leg bobbed up and down.
"Morning, Reg," El mumbled, rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she sat down, retrieving a cigarette from the pack of the table.
"El, i'm leaving today," Regulus stated bluntly.
El stopped trying to light her cigarette and looked straight at him. "To go where?"
"I—umm—have something that needs doing."
James had slowly walked out the bedroom and was now standing by the doorway, leaning against it.
"What is it?" El asked.
"I can't tell you that," Regulus was yet to look El in the eyes, he just continued to look down at his hands.
"Okay, well i'm coming with you," El said determinedly.
"No you're not," James said from behind her.
"Yes i am!"
Regulus cleared his throat awkwardly and rose to his feet, "Potter's right, El, you're not coming."
"Why not?!"
"Because it's dangerous!"
"Then why are you going?!" El stood as well, crossing her arms across her chest.
"Because it needs to be done. There's no point us both risking our lives."
"I—" Eleanor's voice broke as she tried to speak. "No, no, you're not going," her eyes began to water as she shook her head repeatedly. "You can't die. No, no, no. I'll go instead, just tell me where."
"No, El, you've done plenty to help this war—just let me do my part," he said sadly, adamantly maintaining his composure.
"I'm coming with you, let me just get my wand," she disappeared into the bedroom. Regulus looked at James as if to ask a silent question, James shook his head.
El walked out a moment later. "Where's my wand?"
"Love—" James began.
"James Potter where's my wand?!" her voice was getting louder as she got angrier. "You've got my fucking wand!"
"El, i'm sorry, but you need to just let Regulus do this. Please just sit down—"
"NO! I want my wand back, give me my wand!" she walked towards him until they were practically chest to chest.
James was about to reply, but was interrupted by the sound of the front door closing. When El turned around, Regulus was gone. She ran to the door, attempting to open it, but James' charm withheld against her attempts. She pulled the handle with all the strength in her body but the door did not move.
"NO! What the fuck?!" she hit her fist against the wood. "You're trapping me in here now?!"
"El, love, please calm down."
"Calm down?! CALM DOWN?! What the fuck is wrong with you, James?" she pulled a frame from the wall and threw it across the room, smashing it against the wall furthest from them.
James flinched. "El—"
She was shaking, her eyes watering and soon her legs gave out from underneath her. She collapsed onto her knees with a loud cry, her head falling into her hands.
"Letter—" James instinctively walked forward.
"NO! Don't come near me! And don't call me that!" she held her hand out to keep him away. "I hate you, James, i don't even want to fucking look at you right now!"
James attempted to speak, but no noise came out, a single tear slipped down his cheek. "I love you, El."
"If you loved me, i wouldn't be locked in here!"
"I locked you in here because i wanted you to stay alive!"
"And let Regulus die instead!" tears were flowing freely from her eyes now. She gasped desperately for breath as sobs tore through her throat. "I wanted—to—save him. . . you pro—promised me he wouldn't die. You promised!" her sentence was disrupted by sobs.
She dragged herself off the floor and walked towards the kitchen counter. A full bottle of firewhiskey was waiting for her on the counter.
"Don't drink right now, El, please," James begged, another year escaping his eye.
"Fuck off!" she shouted. "This is—" she let out something that was half hiccup, half sob, "—this is your fault!" she drank the liquid straight from the bottle.
James swallowed, "please—"
"Leave me alone," she sobbed, downing enough liquid in one go to make her inhale deeply afterwards. "I don't wanna—see you," she sobbed.
"El—" his voice cracked.
"LEAVE!" she picked up a plate and threw against the same wall as before.
"I'm not leaving you alone," James clenched his jaw as more tears fell down his face.
"Why? I'm not your girlfriend," she said cruelly, "f-fine! I'll leave," she sniffed. El marched to the front door, pulling at the door handle, then hitting her fists fruitlessly against it until her knuckles bled.
"Stop," James came towards her, "El, stop!" his arms wrapped around her waist as he picked her up, pulling her away. She writhed and struggled against him, hitting her fists against any part of him she could reach. He adjusted his grip to trap her arms against her sides.
He placed her down on the sofa, the pointed his wand at her. "Just stay there, please. Don't move, let me heal your hand."
El's crying slowly turned into hysterical laughter. "You want to help me now? I thought i was your prisoner in here."
"You're not my prisoner, i'm trying to save your life!"
"But you seemed perfectly happy to just let Regulus risk his life! If i went with him, i could help him!"
"Or you could die! I couldn't live with myself if you died!" he shouted. "Give me you hand," his voice was calmer now, "please. You're bleeding onto the sofa."
"I'd heal it myself if i had my wand!"
James sighed and bit his lip as if he was scolding himself for not predicting that she would have said that. "Just let me heal you."
El went to stand, but James raised his wand again.
"Sit down," he said firmly.
"Are you trying to scare me?!" she laughed again, louder and more unhinged than before. She stood, but James was standing so close to her that she could not get past. "Move, Potter."
"No."
El pushed against his chest, but James did not budge. She used more force, eventually beating her fists against his chest.
James clenched his jaw, "El—" he held he wrists to get her to stop. "Can you listen to me, please?"
"There's nothing you could say to me right now to make me forgive you," El spat. She pulled her wrists free. "Where's my wand?"
James remained silent.
She huffed, then began to search the room, pulling items from shelves and dropping them on the floor. "Where is my fucking wand?" She flipped the coffee table over, then pulled the cushions from the sofa. "Where is it, Potter?!"
He still did not reply.
"If you ever want me to forgive you for this, you tell me where my wand is right now!"
"I'm sorry," was all James said.
El then began searching the kitchen, opening draws and pouring their contents onto the floor.
"It's not in there, love, please stop," James pleaded, wincing as cutlery clashed against the floor.
Her firewhiskey was on the counter, the picked up the bottle, then moved to the bedroom, chucking piles of James' clothes around the room as she searched the wardrobe. James remained in the kitchen, he didn't want to watch as she practically destroyed the room they had spent so many amazing nights in.
James rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath, then walked out. He tried to push the bedroom door, but it didn't move. "El, please unlock the door."
"It's not locked," she said simply from the other side of the wood.
"Then why can i not get in?" he tried the door again, it did not budge.
"I redecorated," her sentence was finished with the sound of something smashing.
***
A few hours later, El's anger had finally tired and she had fallen asleep—a now empty bottle of firewhiskey by her side. She had pulled the mattress off the bed to look under it, and hadn't bothered to put it back, so was sleeping on the floor.
A knock caused El to wake. "El, please open the door. I made you food," James said gently.
El didn't even bother telling him to fuck off, she just hoped that smashing the firewhiskey bottle against the door would send the right message.
***
More hours passed. El remained shut in the bedroom—she remained on the floor, staring blankly at the chest of draws she'd placed in front of the door. James was still sitting against the wall outside the bedroom and had nodded off next to the now cold bowl of mac and cheese.
She was drunk, hungry, thirsty, and desperately needed a piss. She slowly pulled herself off the ground so she could push the chest of draws out the way and open the door. Realising she was far more drunk than she originally thought, she had to steady herself against the wall.
James stirred when the door opened. "El!" he scrambled to stand up, rubbing sleep from his eyes.
"I'm only out to get more firewhiskey and go for a piss," El grumbled. Her eyes were swollen and her knuckles were still bloodied.
"I don't think you need any more to drink—"
"Don't—" she interrupted, "—fucking speak to me," she spat.
James bit his lip grimly, "i'm so sorry, El."
"Please just don't, James!" El snapped.
The flat fell to silence yet again.
Her eyes began to water. James ran forward to catch her before she fell to her knees. She sobbed against him. "I can't do this anymore. This whole war, i can't do it. I don't wanna lose you but i hate you so much right now." Both her fists hit against his chest but James just ignored it valiantly, stroking her hair.
"I know," he sighed. "I figured you would."
"i can't—" she sobbed, hitting James' chest again, "i can't do it, James." She removed herself from his hold, "i need more firewhiskey."
***
a/n: word count 2k
nice jolly chapter for u today