Cold.
That's the first thing that Johnny felt as he came back to reality. He thought hell was supposed to be hot?
Next thing was a soft beeping sound coming from the left of him. What the hell was that? He opened his eyes slowly, blinking at the stark white light that burned into his retinas. His head was throbbing and his mouth was uncomfortably dry and his stomach felt like it was filled with hot pokers.
He blinked heavily, clearly he was in a hospital. Damnit.
How did he get there? Who had found him? Johnny glanced to his left and saw Elias standing in the hallway, yelling at some poor orderly in front of him. He then glanced over to the right side of the room and froze.
Lily was hunched over in a small chair next to the bed, her legs propped up on the mattress and her head tilted to the side. Johnny couldn't see her face due to the curtain of hair that hung in it, but based on the messy of tangles, she had been there for a while.
Lily found him?
How the fuck did she find him? How did she get into his house? Should he wake her up?
Lily stirred in her sleep and lifted her head a bit, blinking slowly. She glanced over at the bed and nearly fell out of her chair when she saw Johnny looking at her.
"You're awake." She breathed, he still looked out of it, but not nearly enough to get rid of the confused and annoyed look that had plastered itself across his sickly pale and gaunt face.
"Why are you here, Lily?" He whispered, too tired to actually speak at any louder of a volume; if he didn't feel so weak, he would've yelled it.
"I- um so like- I don't know- I called you a few times and you didn't answer and you haven't been answering anyone else so I- like I just had a bad feeling this time so I came to check on you..." Lily explained uncomfortably, avoiding Johnny's icy gaze as he glowered at her.
Of course Lily was the one to save him, in a way it was like poetic justice; she started this whole spiral, she might as well be there to pick up the pieces when he inevitably fell apart.
Johnny sighed in frustration and exhaustion, turning his gaze to the ceiling before he closed his eyes once again, the damned lights felt like they would melt his eyeballs.
So the hand in his hair and her soft, panicked and muffled voice was real, he hadn't been hallucinating it after all. Johnny wanted to ask how she got into his house in the first place, but he didn't want to talk to her in that moment, or ever if he was being honest.
The bassist shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I um- I would've called Gretchen for you, but I don't have her number and I didn't think she'd want to talk to me." She said, staring down at her well worn sweatpants that she's had for years. God, this was so fucking painful, she couldn't even look at him.
She wanted to get out of her seat and throw herself at the singer, wrap her arms around him tightly and never let go in fear that he might dissapear.
That he might hurt himself again.
The frontman did his best not to flinch or tear up at the mention of his ex fianceé so he kept his eyes closed, not acknowledging Lily's words or presence anymore.
His chest was hurting so much and he couldn't tell if it was from the overdose or from the heartbreak.
"Do you like want me to leave? I can- I'll leave, it's fine- I'll just-" Lily stood up and grabbed her jacket, looking at Johnny from the doorway for a long moment before she finally left.
Johnny breathed slowly through his nostrils, trying to calm his mind. He couldn't do anything right, he couldn't even kill himself without fucking it up.
He opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling once again, counting the speckles that covered the tiles as he took another steadying breath.
He needed to get out of there.
The last time he was in a situation like this, it had been an accident, shaking him back into his senses and forcing him to seek out help.
Now...it was far from an accident and all he wanted was to go home and-
He shouldn't be thinking about that, not when Elias was just outside the room. Gretchen didn't know and he prayed to God that his mom didn't know.
His mom.
As Johnny layed there, he thought about how she would have reacted if he had been successful. It would have destroyed her.
The pang of guilt made him feel worse than his painful headache and aching bones ever could.
Elias came back inside and stopped when he saw Johnny was awake. "Johnny." He whispered, stepping forward and resting his hand on the musician's arm, avoiding the IV sticking out of the crook of his elbow.
Johnny felt tears well up in his eyes and he turned away from the older man, he never wanted anyone to see him like this, he didn't want people realizing until it was too late.
"Johnny why didn't you talk to me?" Elias asked, rubbing Johnny's shoulder, his heart shattered as the boy fell apart in front of him.
"I don't- I'm- I'm sorry, Elias. I couldn't- it was too much- I couldn't keep ruining everything- I-" Johnny was becoming hysterical, he had kept all of this locked up deep inside of him and saying it out loud was breaking him.
Elias sat on the edge of the hospital bed and pulled Johnny into a tight hug, rubbing the back of his head. "Shhh, Johnny, that isn't true, I'm sorry I didn't see what was happening, I should have been there for you." He whispered, fighting back tears.
Johnny gripped Elias' shirt as he trembled, his breathing uneven and shaky.
"Where's Gretchen?" Elias asked softly, rubbing the younger man's shoulder comfortingly.
"She's gone." The singer rasped. No one knew that Gretchen had left him.
"Oh." The older man said, unable to form any other words. Fuck.
That explained why Johnny spiraled so quickly; or perhaps it hadn't been quick at all? This could have been building since the festival or even before then.
"Do you want me to-" Elias cut off the question, he didn't know what he wanted to ask him, he knew Johnny wouldn't want him to tell Gretchen and he doubted he wanted to worry his mom.
"I just want out of here, Elias." Johnny whispered, pulling away to scrub the tears from his eyes. "Does the press know?" He asked gravelly.
"No, I made sure to issue NDAs to everyone who came into contact with you, no one will know unless you tell them, don't worry." Elias replied, sitting down with a huff, he was exhausted.
Johnny merely nodded, picking at his hospital bracelet. "When can I go?" He asked again, persistent on leaving the hospital.
"We have a photoshoot tomorrow I need to leave."
"Woah woah woah! Slow down, kid! You just woke up from a drug induced coma, you almost died, Johnny and I- I know things have been rough recently and I won't pretend to know what you've been going through, but I really think you need a break." The older man was astonished, Johnny had just attempted suicide, but now all he was thinking about was working?
The singer merely stared back at Elias until he sighed in defeat. "They said if your vitals are alright, you can go home tonight." Elias had managed to talk them out of putting Johnny in the psych ward, but now he was reconsidering his choice. Was it really a good idea for him to throw himself right back into work?
"Ok, good. I should be fine for the shoot." Johnny said, though he felt like that wasn't true, he had never felt worse in his life both mentally and physically, but he needed to do the shoot, he's already fucked things up for the band enough recently.
Elias sighed and shook his head, there was no way he would be able to talk Johnny out of this. "Alright fine, you stubborn fuck." He stood up and pulled his phone out of his pocket to let Vivian know he wouldn't be back until tomorrow. "I'm staying with you though."
"Absolutely not-" Johnny tried to argue, but the older man cut him off.
"No arguments, Johnny! I'm not letting you be alone right now!" Elias said, the frustration evident in his voice.
He wasn't angry with Johnny, he just needed to make sure he would be ok.
Johnny slumped back against the bed and sighed, he supposed there was no getting out of it, so he might as well agree.
"Fine." He huffed out, feeling incredibly childish but he didn't care, as long as he got to leave that Godforsaken place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lily sat in the hospital parking lot, staring down at her steering wheel as she contemplated whether she should leave or go back inside.
She wanted to be there, she wanted to make sure he would be ok. Elias was there with him, she didn't need to be there, she had done her part.
Johnny was clearly not happy to see Lily when he woke up, though she wasn't exactly shocked by that. She knew she should've left as soon as Elias had arrived, but she needed to be there and see him awake, assure herself that he was still alive, that he would be ok.
She finally started her car and put it into drive, pulling out of the parking spot and navigated her way onto the main road.
As she drove, the gravity of the situation began to truly sink in.
Johnny could've died.
He could be gone right now, rotting away in his bed until Gretchen got home. The very thought made Lily nauseous.
Sure her and the singer had a... complicated relationship, but that didn't mean the idea of him being- she couldn't finish the thought, Lily couldn't bring herself to.
She wondered what would happen next? Would they send Johnny to another facility to detox? Would he try to fix it himself so he didn't have to take time off? Would he-
Would he try again?
Lily bit the inside of her cheek at the thought. The memory of finding him the night before would haunt her forever, she was sure of it. He had already looked dead, she had no idea how long he had been laying there, but until she felt his heartbeat, she had been sure it was too late.
She prayed no one had seen them at the hospital, that the NDAs would work and this incident would never see the light of day.
Lily stopped at a traffic light and stared up at the red ball glaring down at her. She sighed and rested her head against the steering wheel.
She wanted to turn around and go back to the hospital.
The light turned green and she sighed before she pulled through the intersection.
Johnny didn't want her there anyway.
Her phone buzzed and she glanced at it, surprised when she saw it was Elias.
Elias Collins: 'They're letting him go home tonight, I'm staying with him. He's doing a photoshoot tomorrow because I couldn't talk him out of it.'
Lily groaned. This fucking idiot!
'Why the hell would he think that was a good idea?'
Elias Collins: 'I have no fucking clue, but I'm postponing the tour, he needs a fucking break whether he likes it or not!'
Lily turned off her phone and focused on driving, hopefully Johnny would actually listen to the older man and take some time for himself, maybe go to therapy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Elias went back to the waiting room and sighed, he was going to postpone that tour, he'd rather have upset fans and a pissed off band then a dead frontman.
He dialed Maya's number and waited until she answered.
"Elias, how can I help you on this fine day?" She asked when she picked up, her heel covered feet propped against her desk.
"We need to postpone the relentless tour." He said.
"What?!" She exclaimed, sitting up from her office chair. "Elias there is no way! Do you know how much this will cost? People will be liv-"
"Johnny tried to kill himself last night." Elias cut her off.
Maya reached over and picked up the receiver of her phone so it was no longer on speaker, no one was in her office, but she didn't want to risk anyone overhearing if they walked in.
"Oh my God, is he-?" She cut herself off, he tried to end his own life, obviously he wasn't ok.
"They're releasing him tonight, but I'm not letting him be alone. I- Maya we can't put him on a tour in this state, he needs a break, he threw himself into the last tour after the miscarriage and- he just can't keep doing this to himself." Elias sighed, sliding his glasses up to pinch the bridge of his nose.
"Ok I'll make some calls, is Gretchen there?" Maya said, already pulling up venues on her email to inform them of the change of plans. "Do you think two months is enough of a push or do we need more?"
"She's gone." That was all Elias said and the way Maya sucked in a breath between her teeth, she also came to the same conclusion he had when he found out. "Two months should be fine I think."
"Ok I'll take care of this, will there be any statements or-?" Maya asked as she typed out an email to be mass sent to all of the venues.
"No, I took care of it. Johnny doesn't need the world to see him like this." The older man said, glancing back through the door to Johnny's room to see that he had fallen asleep again.
"Ok good, I- I'll run by before he gets released." She said softly before she hung up with a sigh.
He had his moments, everyone in this industry did, but deep down, Johnny was a good kid and the fact that he had been so tormented by his own mind to the point of that broke Maya's heart.
He would be ok though, he had to be.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••