~I hurt myself today, just to see if I still feel~
Johnny stood on the balcony of his Los Angeles home, staring across the rolling hills as tears streamed down his face, music softly playing from his stereo.
He fucked up.
Again.
When the after party finally ended, the frontman had finally checked his phone that he had put on silence only to find half a dozen missed calls from Gretchen.
She was in the hospital.
He took the first redeye back to LA to be with her, terrified as to what was wrong, thankfully she was ok...well, physically for the most part.
Gretchen had a miscarriage. They had suspected that she was pregnant- she had missed her period a few times- but neither had bothered getting a pregnancy test to confirm it yet, they wanted to wait until Johnny was home to be there for it.
Vivian's mom, Lizzie told her about Faith. The doctors reassured them that one in three women suffer miscarriages, that it was just a biological fluke, possibly something that ran in her family.
But after a little too long on Google, Johnny confirmed what he had been tearing himself apart for since he he got to the hospital.
Stress and shock can cause miscarriages.
This was his fault.
Everything was his fucking fault.
He couldn't take care of the kid he had and he killed the one he never even got to meet.
Elias and Vivian did the opposite of what they had agreed upon. She was keeping Faith. Not that it bothered Johnny, she needed to be with her mom and Vivian clearly needed her.
Gretchen had been- as always- surprisingly forgiving and understanding (at least that's what she had portrayed) taking his hand in hers as she layed in that hospital bed and told him they would get through it, that it wasn't his fault, that they weren't even together when Faith's conception happened. It would be ok. They would be fine.
No it wouldn't.
'I MURDERED OUR CHILD! I CRAWLED RIGHT BACK TO LILY WHILE YOU WERE MISCARRYING HIM! IT'S NOT OK!' Johnny wanted to scream, but he didn't.
He wanted to throw something or punch someone, he wanted to scream at God or Satan or whoever the fuck was at fault until his throat was raw and he couldn't speak.
But he didn't.
He couldn't.
There was no one else to blame but himself.
~I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real~
Him.
Their child wasn't far along enough to be able to discern the gender, but Johnny was positive it was a boy, he felt it in his soul.
He dreamed about his son, about holding him in his arms, teaching him how to walk, to talk, hearing him say dada for the first time, facetiming Gretchen and their baby while he's on tour.
But that wouldn't happen now.
He was dead.
Because Johnny fucked up once again.
Gretchen was able to come home, but the tabloids were able to find out what had happened from a source in the hospital.
His socials were flooded with condolences, his text threads were filled with heart felt messages from people who loved him.
Then Lily texted him.
'Is Gretchen ok???'
And again.
'I'm so sorry that happened, Johnny'
And again.
'Are you ok??'
And again.
'Johnny I know things ended like shit and I still think you're a dick...'
Followed by:
'That doesn't mean I don't care.'
She was the only one that still tried reaching out to him, even though he never responds.
'Please just answer someone, it doesn't have to be me, you're ignoring the guys too, I asked them.'
Johnny shut off his phone, he refused to leave his home, didn't want to deal with paparazzi during that time.
Elias called a couple of times, carefully avoiding the topic of Faith during the obviously difficult time Johnny was going through, he didn't need to be reminded of his other child that he wasn't raising.
He wanted to reach out, wanted to go to Elias' house and take his baby girl into his arms and hold her tight, forget everything happening around him and just focus on her, be the father he should be for her.
But he couldn't, Faith deserved so much better. Elias could do more than a good enough job to help raise the little girl.
Adam and Janis had come over once, the manager tried to offer the younger man a safe place to openly grieve while Gretchen and Janis had went out for the day to go to the spa, but Johnny had completely numbed himself at that point.
Vic had called at least twenty times before he finally gave up.
Leo sent flowers to the house when they got home from the hospital.
Dylan had been in the hospital for a severe concussion after an accident during the afterparty, but once he was out, he sent Johnny the closest thing to an apology as he could get.
'Shirley Temples are on me for tour, mate.' Was the text he had received. Reading it made him smile for what felt like the first time Johnny had done so in weeks. The drummer was so ridiculously stubborn, so he wasn't surprised that this was all he would get, but he still appreciated the effort.
The band went on tour, they found a new bassist named Nikki and she was a great addition to the band. Thankfully the fans had been surprisingly receptive to her and the shows were incredible, for two hours every night, he could forget everything.
He could forget that his entire world was falling apart and it was all because of him. His relationship, his family, his band, it was all crashing down around him.
And it was all his fault.
~The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting~
Johnny stared down at the fresh track marks that covered the inside of his left arm.
He relapsed.
Again.
He had tried so hard to stay clean, to be completely present for Gretchen, she was the one going through the most during that time, he had no right to be falling apart over something that he had caused.
But she left, tour ended and he couldn't do it anymore; he was drowning in guilt and grief and sorrow, he had to numb it, he had to forget.
~Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything~
It didn't work though, he was able to ignore it for a while, but he always remembered, his mind always reminded him of what he did.
He was able to hide it from everyone. They weren't on tour at the moment and he never left his house. No one knew what was happening to him.
No one except his dealer and God.
He thought back to when he first moved to LA, he was so bright and happy and full of life, so innocent and naive.
All he had wanted was to play rock music with his best friends, it was such a simple dream, but everything just kept getting faster and faster, he couldn't keep up, he couldn't regain control once he lost it.
He could blame Capricorn, he could blame Lily for seducing him and getting him hooked on heroin, Vivian for showing up on his tour bus looking for sex, he could blame his mom for putting the music seed in his brain at such a young age, he could blame Vic for talking him into being in a band at fifteen.
But it wasn't any of their faults.
He was the only person to blame.
He made those choices, no one else.
~What have I become? My sweetest friend~
Vic.
He had been there for Johnny no matter what, even when he was in the wrong, he still had his back.
When he was spiraling in addiction, when he cheated, when he was on trial twice, when he told him about Faith.
He didn't deserve him.
He didn't deserve Gretchen.
He didn't deserve any of them.
Faith deserved so much more than what she had for a father, he was no better than his own, just another sorry fuck who couldn't take responsibility for what he had done.
Vivian? She was just a kid herself, really. She shouldn't have to be put in this position, but Johnny once again, had no self control and took what he wanted.
Never once considering how it would end for anyone else, only thinking of his own satisfaction in that moment.
The night he and Lily had sex for the first time would always be burned into his brain, in retrospect, in the confines of his own mind, he knew it wasn't just the drugs that caused that.
He had wanted Lily from the day he had met her, he was just searching for the perfect opportunity to act on his desires.
The euphoria he had experienced from the heroin and Lily's body had been an experience he would never forget.
They say that the first high you get from heroin was incomparable to any other, that's why people got hooked on it, to chase any semblance of that feeling.
Lily is his heroin.
~Everyone I know goes away
In the end~
He walked back inside of his empty home. Gretchen had decided to go back to Ohio to be with her family for a while since the holidays were coming up and she had taken an extended break from her job.
It had been a one way flight.
Johnny knew she needed time, he couldn't blame her, she assured him over and over that they would be ok...but then he found the ring in the bedside table drawer when he was cleaning.
The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.
The band had given up contacting him, but every time he turned his phone on, he saw texts from Lily.
Maybe some part of her actually did care about Johnny. Why couldn't she just give up like everyone else did?
Even his own mother had stopped trying to get ahold of him, merely having Gretchen relay messages to him...when she was still there.
Not that it mattered, he couldn't blame her for giving up on him.
He stared at the gold and platinum records hanging on the wall with trophies from meaningless award shows lining the shelf below it.
~And you could have it all, my empire of dirt~
Did he even have anything to show from his career? Anything of substance? Could he live with being a role model to kids?
Meeting that Simon kid was the most simultaneously sobering and heart shattering moment he had ever experienced.
Simon adored Johnny.
He was like an over excited puppy when he met his hero, staring up at Johnny like he hung the fucking stars.
Some hero he was.
He couldn't even help himself, how could he expect to help other people?
Who was going to have all of this? Who was going to take all of his worldly possessions once he was gone?
"Do you actually think it's necessary to revise your will? You're only twenty-five." His lawyer had chuckled over the phone when he called him.
"Yeah well I know if I don't do it now, I'll never do it." He had replied jokingly.
~I will let you down, I will make you hurt~
All he seemed to do was hurt people anymore.
He hurt Gretchen.
He hurt Vivian.
He hurt his band.
He hurt Vic
He hurt Lily.
He hurt his mom.
He hurt Elias.
Johnny was so tired of hurting people.
~I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liar's chair full of broken thoughts I cannot repair~
Lying was all he seemed to be good at these days.
He lied to his fianceé, his agent, his band. Everyone.
"I'm fine, Gretch! I completely understand that you need time, go be with your family, I'll survive." Lie.
"I'll be ready for the next tour, Adam. Don't worry." Lie.
"It was just meaningless, drug induced sex! It meant nothing!" Lie.
"I'm too busy to do interviews right now." Lie.
"If I don't do it now, I never will." True but not in the context that his lawyer was thinking.
~Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear~
Johnny walked over to the bed and sat down heavily, staring at the needle sitting on the nightstand next to a notebook containing a letter and his final work.
His swan song if you will.
He had already recorded it, no one seemed to question the meaning, just slapped him on the back and told him it was another killer track.
The irony of that.
He was leaving the rights to the band to Leo and Vic, they were the ones who made that dream real.
Dylan, he was a dick so he wasn't getting shit.
He was leaving Olivia the house, she hated LA, but she could sell it.
His mom was getting most of his estate, but the rest was going to Faith.
He might not see her grow up, but he would be damned if she didn't get everything she would ever want or need.
He was taking care of school fees for Vivian. His recklessness is what knocked her out of school in the first place so it was the least he could do.
Adam and Janis were getting the beach house that he had bought, Gretchen wasn't much for traveling so she they never used it outside of when he still partied.
Elias. What to give the man who had it all? He finally settled for his sports car since Gretchen always hated it.
Lily. She was getting his studded jacket.
"I like this jacket." She had whispered, running her hands down his chest as she pulled away from the brief goodbye kiss before she left the rainbow.
~You are someone else, I'm still right here~
Johnny lifted up the needle filled with four times the amount he should be taking and held it to the crook of his elbow, but he hesitated. Could he actually do this?
He glanced up and saw the ancient photo of the band, himself and Gretchen all together.
It had been new years eve, they were all laughing at the camera, Gretchen pressed into his chest giggling as they sat in a booth at some club and Lily was up on her knees beside of him with her arms around his neck and a noise maker hanging from her lips as she appeared to be shoving Leo's face to the side as he pretended to lean in for a kiss with Ricky pressed in between them, a very annoyed look plastered on his face as he was crushed. Dylan was flipping off them camera with a cheeky grin and Vic was leaning into frame with a wide smile and a joint hanging from his fingers.
"If I could start again, a million miles away
I would keep myself, I would find a way." He sang quietly with a tearful smile as he pressed the needle into the vein and pushed down on the plunger, filling his body with the sinful poison.
He layed back on the mattress and stared up at the ceiling, his vision already swarming with darkness.
It was finally over, he would no longer hurt everyone he loved.
He would no longer hurt himself.
Johnny let his eyes flutter shut, willing for the darkness to finally take him when his phone started ringing.
Can't a man kill himself in peace?
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This was orginally going to be a one shot and it just spiraled lmao
Hope you enjoy this one!