CHAPTER 25: Restoration
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Monday was a busy day and Ella hated the tumultuous activeness with a passion after a weekend of stationary insignificance.
Before her second lecture, she saw her project partner Neo among the crowd that was walking towards her, and Ella called his name.
"Hey Neo!"
He looked up at hearing his name, froze, made a complete U-turn and walked back the way he came, leaving Ella a little baffled. Either he didn't hear her or he was avoiding her and she could bet which one it was.
She couldn't attempt to go behind him or she would risk getting late for her next class, so she sighed and made her way towards her academic commitments. Neo somehow took a long route but was in class before her.
Ella was on time for her class and, Mr Allen asked her about the development of her writing project, she felt ashamed to admit that she hardly made any progress and so she ended up lying about it and then felt even more awful afterwards.
Zoey distracted her from her problems during fiction, but that class only lasted so long. Later that day when Ella was walking back towards the third class in her schedule which was communications again, she saw a familiar shadow of someone in a loose sweatshirt walking ahead of her.
"Neo!" She called.
He looked back at her but didn't wait for her to catch up. Instead, he picked up his pace.
Ella's eyes widened at seeing that but this time Ella was determined. she instantly pushed herself to catch up with him. "Neo wait!" She said after him, he didn't.
She eventually caught up to him and he frowned as he said a curt "Hey" and continued to walk ahead, with his hands buried in his pockets.
Ella fell in step with him, "Why are you in such a hurry?"
Neo looked down at his feet as he said, "Nothing, I just prefer to be early to my classes than late."
"Is that the only reason?" She asked, and he shrugged before picking up his pace.
Ella made an effort to keep up but silence prevailed as no one spoke and the sound of footsteps echoing in the hallway was the only thing heard for a while.
When Neo refused to look at her for a whole three minutes, Ella decided to address what was making things awkward, "Alright, that's it! You've been acting weird because of what happened at the party and we need to talk about it."
Neo for the first time hesitated in taking a step forward, he stopped and so did she, as he breathed deeply, "And here I was hoping you've forgotten all about what happened that night."
"Is that why you're trying to avoid me?" She felt a little bit hurt as she said it.
He now looked up and met her gaze, almost surprising her, "I thought me being away from you would help not trigger any memories."
Ella laughed at how displeased he looked that his plan didn't work, she probably would have thought what he just said to be quite rude if she didn't know why he was saying it, but now she only found his dry humour endearing. "Oh come on, you said- in fact, I distinctly remember you promised you wouldn't act differently."
"That's not true. As far as I remember, I promised that I won't regret it, and I don't. I just wish you'd forget I'd ever said that and it's not the same thing." he said and resumed walking.
Ella followed, thinking over his bizarre logic that made no sense to her. They both reached the empty classroom and clearly they were way too early as they found seats next to each other.
"If you're thinking I'm gonna make fun of you or something, you can rest your mind," Ella said but was unsure about what would be disturbing him.
He removed his hands from the pockets of his grey sweatshirt, rested them on the desk and turned his whole body to face her. She suddenly felt unnerved under his intense gaze, "I know you wouldn't do that, you're not like that." He said, sounding sure of himself.
A small smile spread across her lips and she processed that, "I was hoping we could be friends."
Noe frowned, his brown eyes looked troubled as he spoke, "Really?" He swallowed like his mouth was suddenly dry, "You want to be friends after I told you what I did..."
When he puts it that way, it doesn't sound too considerate...but her mind was still stubborn "B-but why not-?"
"Why not? Ella I know it's too much to ask for you to return my feelings, but I refuse your proposition of friendship." He said firmly as he turned away and busied himself with finding a notebook and a pen from his bag.
Ella felt like she was on unsure footing, "So, like- are you going to be my project partner o-or my classmate for however long we know each other?"
Neo shrugged as he looked in front, "I don't mind that, beats being friend-zoned."
Her eyes widened at his bluntness "You don't have to see it that way...I-"
"How else will I see it? You are disregarding my feelings, you're being insensitive." Neo said as he fidgeted with the pen in his hand.
Ella didn't know how to react to the accusation she heard in his voice, and she was lost for words, "What I-?"
He didn't give her time to justify and softly spoke, "Even if I was drunk that night, it really took me a lot of courage to say that to you."
His gaze held her and stayed, a moment of silence passed as she thought over it, she realised her fault and then she admitted, "Alright, I understand and I acknowledge that, but I don't understand what I should say or do." She took a deep breath, "But I do want to get to know you as a person and I've come to care for you a little bit."
A small smile formed on Neo's face at her admission and she thought he looked a lot less intimidating when he smiled. "You could have just been honest from the beginning."
"I guess, but now it appears we are at an impasse." She slumped in her seat.
Neo nodded, "It seems that way."
"So, what should we do?" other students started walking into the classroom and filling the seats, while they sat there thinking.
"Would you like to go on a date with me?"
Ella was more than a little taken aback by his suggestion and she almost gave herself a whiplash to look at him, he looked serious. "Wha- that's your solution?"
Neo opened his notebook to a blank page but didn't write anything and said as he avoided her gaze, "It makes sense to me, I don't want to be friends and you said you want to know me and you care about me."
Ella felt stumped for a moment as she processed that, "In theory, I have to agree, It makes sense..."
Neo looked at her, his honey-brown eyes were open and vulnerable as he spoke, "Just think about it, I'll be fine with whatever you decide."
Ella stared at him for a long moment, his words- they almost seemed like something Elliot would say and she seemed surprised with the tone of understanding in his voice, she blinked, "Is it you?" she asked even before she could process what she was asking.
Neo paused, the silence stretched, he looked utterly confused as he frowned at her incongruous question, "What?" He mumbled, "I'm what-I don't understand?"
Either he really didn't know about the letters or he was a really good actor, and Ella tried to distinguish but failed to differentiate which one it was, "I uh-nothing." she stammered in embarrassment as she looked away and down at her hands.
Neo gave her an extended curious glance, but didn't pry, for which she was thankful, "Ella you don't have to say anything now..."
Ella had no reason to say no to him, he was a nice guy, he clearly liked her, and she'd be lying if she said she didn't find him attractive at all, yes there was misunderstanding and miscommunication between them at first and he wasn't the most friendly from a distance but those reasons went away once she came to know him, and who knows maybe they were good for each other...
Only one way to find out. Ella looked into Neo's hopeful eyes and said, "Okay, let's go on a date."
"Really?" Neo smiled, a wide toothy smile that made his eyes smaller and completely transformed his face, he looked adorable.
Ella couldn't help her own smile, "but after Thursday I have a test in Literature class and it's all kinda stressing me out and I don't want to be distracted."
He seemed amused by her reason, "That's fair, okay then, after your test... On Friday, It'll be something to look forward to."
"Yeah..." She nodded, as her smile grew, but a part of her felt somewhat conflicted and she couldn't understand why.
Their professor then walked in and the class quickly settled, he started teaching them about Yellow journalism & its social role, and Ella tried to concentrate but felt a disconnect to her surroundings, she was present in her body but her mind was somewhere else.
And her eyes kept straying to maybe get a peek at Neo's notebook, more importantly, to analyse his penmanship... she didn't realise she was doing that until she turned her face entirely and directly frowned at the blank page that was open in front of him.
Why wasn't he writing anything? Why even pull out a notebook?
Neo seemed oblivious to her subtle curiosity, as he twirled a blue pen in his hands and looked straight ahead, he didn't write a single word in that whole hour as he stared ahead at the professor, intently listening to what was being discussed, while Ella didn't have a single clue about what went on.
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Ella was suddenly swamped with college work and a few days passed just like that with monotonous predictability. She was overwhelmed with assignments but there was nothing she could do.
Exams were approaching around the corner and so all the teachers wanted to be done with the remaining assignments and syllabus. Students were suddenly stressed with a mountain of work being dumped on them but complaining about it was gonna get them nowhere. They had to finish it before Thanksgiving break.
Ella went to the library after her classes to utilise her time productively. After working on her assignments, she wanted to concentrate on her essay, the lie she had told Mr Allen a couple of days ago still weighed down on her and she decided to attempt to turn that lie into a truth.
She connected her laptop to the library's wifi and read through so many articles trying to really understand the voice in which she wanted to write the essay. It was hard for her to keep it congruous and she was still unsure about the point of view and the psychic distance of her narrator as she experimented and did some more research.
The ticking clock and the ceiling fans were loud in the background as she continued to work diligently, her co-worker Eddy was sweet enough to get her a cup of latte and she thanked him gratefully giving him a two-finger salute as he smiled and returned to his shift.
When Ella needed some books, she interrupted her study session to go look for them on the shelves, finding them easily since she knew where to look. But out of habit she glanced at the familiar last shelf's fourth level, not really expecting anything but was surprised to see a piece of paper discreetly tucked in the gap between two books in the corner.
Another letter?
Everything else was momentarily forgotten as she reached for it, a bit curious and eager to see what he had written. In the last couple of days every time she sat down to write a reply the frustration and anger she felt led her nowhere, everything she wanted to say to him seemed to have no words and so she hadn't written him a letter at all.
The letter she held in her fingers seemed short which deterred her high hopes and her heartbeat soared as she began reading it.
10-Nov-2018
Dear Ella,
Ella was not at all used to seeing her own name in the letters she got and so she breathed and prepared to read further.
Yesterday I went to find your letter on our library shelf. It wasn't there.
I deserve that.
If this is your pursuit of revenge, it's understandable and quite justified, but I'll wait for your letter, however long it might take- I'll wait, I'm not gonna push you Ella, and you have every right to punish me, I'm not trying to complain, nor am I looking for an explanation, your letters are yours to withhold and my fixation is mine to suffer.
Yesterday I went to the willow tree and I think I met Archer, he was smaller than I thought he'd be, but just as you described he had that grubby grey fur and such innocent eyes, he sure likes to take naps and he did just that at my feet. He made me miss you even more.
I have come to depend on you and now I'm reacting like I'm going through withdrawals, I was glad I still have your old letters to lighten my mind, I liked the revisit, to walk my way through your old writings...one word at a time.
The one where I talked about your mom, I'm sorry it got overlooked by other elements, but I want to tell you— you shouldn't blame yourself. We don't miss the love we never had and so we think we don't need it. We don't understand how beautiful it can be because we've never experienced it. You don't remember her-but that's not your fault, you were too young and the loss too big and devastating for a kid to even understand. Your mind probably was trying to protect you and it blocked out the painful memories. It's a form of preservation Ella and you can't hate yourself for that.
Reading your old letters also made me realise what I'd be losing if you decided to never write back and suddenly my heart was half-beating half-dying. These letters, these prelapsarian exchanges of thoughts and yearnings are more dear to me than anything.
I should probably stop rambling now before I say something I shouldn't, maybe I already have...
I know you must feel it unfair and you are right to think so but I can't make it even between us, you have already gotten a glimpse of the skeletons in my closet, but allow me to keep some mystery.
Although you know the deepest and dearest details of my life, I'm going to hold on to the superficial ones.
Writing to you is a struggle at times, It's not a creative hassle that's never really a question at all, the problem arises from weighing all the things that I wish to tell you against everything else that I shouldn't. But I must keep them from you or writing to you would become a bigger struggle than I can control.
I imagine you must be thinking why I didn't tell you the truth before...It's a valid question if only I had a compelling answer.
I didn't tell you before because I was afraid the truth would shatter the mirage we have both created, maybe it already has, I have a million reasons for what I did Ella, but thinking over them now, all of them seem like petty excuses and you deserve more than that.
I can only ask for your forgiveness Ella, and as I said, I'll await your response. However long it takes...
Anxiously,
Elliot
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