"Take care of her Logan," Mom warned me before she squeezed her arms tightly around my neck in her usual chokehold hug. "Don't screw it up this time."
"I know," I groaned quietly and looked over her shoulder, where Ellie hugged her arms about Brody much more gently than Mom's python hold.
Brody's cheeks turned pink as his hands patted Ellie's upper back awkwardly in a few spots, like he had no idea where to put them, and mumbled, "Sorry about your dad."
"Thanks," Ellie replied in a flat, emotionless voice that I'd heard from her more than her normal, sweet-toned voice.
At the risk that I was insensitive, my girl's appearance also looked lifeless. Beneath her baggy clothes that hung off Ellie's already small frame, her shoulders and spinal posture slumped like the life was deflated out of her. Her skin's grayish tone highlighted the dark circles under her red-rimmed eyes, which were puffy and swollen like her nose.
Having lost all my grandparents, I sort of related to Ellie's situation and assumed how her argument with her dad was their last conversation compounded Ellie's guilt with her pain from the loss. But for every ounce of guilt she held onto, I had one ounce of love and another in stubbornness that I avoided repeating my past mistakes and backed off when Ellie obviously suffered internally.
Not this time. I'm in for the long haul.
This weekend, I'd only seen Ellie at the burial service and the wake, after which Mom and Brody took us to the airport for an early evening flight back to Seattle. Coach Peterson had let me skip Huskies' practice for personal reasons, which wasn't a big deal because the bye week meant no Saturday game anyways. So after my Friday morning classes, I switched last weekend's plane ticket to this one, caught Brody's Friday night football game , and stayed overnight at Mom's house.
Brody's speed had always been his best asset but this year his size bulked up. Either he filled in more of his lanky frame or had spent more time in the weights room. He still looked like he needed more muscle in his limbs but ran across the entire field with defenders left behind him all game.
And not surprisingly, all of Scotts Valley High knows Mom.
"And you." I pulled back from that very Mom and pretended I narrowed my eyes. "Go out with the lawyer."
Mom's mouth parted slightly as her eyes widened. "David Reynolds?"
"Yeah, him," I replied then looked over at Brody, who listened intently to our conversation. "You okay with that, Bro?"
His brown eyes rolled but in a bored voice, he replied, "As cool as can be since it's Mom dating... anyone."
"Oh, I don't - I couldn't..." Mom's hands flapped around animatedly the more flustered she got.
"Ask him," I offered and grinned at Ellie. "You know Mr. Reynolds, right?"
"I don't..." she started and rolled her lip under for a moment. "...Think he'd say no. He does work a lot."
"And has a daughter," Mom started the most ridiculous excuse I'd ever heard, she referred to Harper. One raised eyebrow from me was all I needed before her mouth clamped shut.
Pretty sure he's also kicking that daughter out at some point.
"Fine, bad example," Mom huffed quietly then flashed her eyes at Brody. "Brody and I need to start visiting schools."
"No one's asking you to get married, Ma," Brody spoke up with a slight shudder and pained expression similar to the one he'd worn through Dad's marriage ceremony to Olivia. "Or worse... procreate. You like the guy."
"Liking anyone aside, I think you two are old enough to know the truth." Mom slipped one arm around Brody's wide shoulders and tugged him closer, then did the same around mine until we sandwiched her. "After Brody was born, I got my tubes tied."
My outside hand palmed my forehead as my stomach dropped.
That's gross.
"Mom!" Brody groaned while the sound of the first giggle I'd heard in more than a week escaped out of Ellie and looked at her.
By the way Ellie clamped her hand over her mouth and flipped her eyes up at me, her reaction surprised her just as much but her reaction pulled a smile on my mouth.
Mom's admission must have struck an internal nerve of Brody's because he lamented, "I can't unhear that... Or sit next to you on the car ride home now."
"You'll be fine, I'll tell you all about it." If Mom's words hadn't embarrassed Brody enough, the kiss she planted on his red cheek sealed his fate.
Brody fell silent but the scowl that wrenched his face in total disgust showed he wanted nothing to do with that conversation.
Me neither. Good luck, Brody.
"For Brody's sake," Ellie interjected. "I think we should catch our flight, Logan."
Mom released Brody and I with a slight shove and flung herself onto Ellie, who stumbled back a few steps while her hands clutched onto Mom's back. "Sweetie if you need anything, anything let us know."
"S-sure," Ellie squeaked out.
"Those college trips," I asked Brody quietly while Mom finished her near-strangulation of my girlfriend. "Do they include U-Dub?"
His face relaxed slightly and he nodded with a slight grin. "I'll text you."
"You'd better." I pulled Brody into a slight bro-hug then slapped his back and pulled apart. Since Ellie's eyes were wide at this point, I tapped Mom on the shoulder. "I need this one breathing, Mom."
"You silly idiot," Mom pulled back with streams of tears down her cheeks, then sniffled what sounded like an entire nose full of congestion at me. "I'll miss you two."
Fuck, not her ugly cry.
"We'll call, Grace," Ellie assured her and reached for my hand.
I clamped both hands on Mom's shoulders, steered her towards Brody, and took Ellie's outstretched hand. Brody shook his head and crossed his arms before one hand lifted in a wave. Mom stood next to him, hands clasped over her heart, and smiled through her tears.
"Your mom is adorable," Ellie said quietly while we weaved our way through the airport security line, then paused at the most likely goofy grin on my face. "What?"
"One of the first things she said about you." I leaned forwards and brushed a kiss against my girlfriend's dry, pale lips. "Still true."
Ellie just shook her head, then handed her ticket and license to the security agent, but the corners of her mouth stayed uplifted. Once we'd threaded through security and put our shoes back on, I trailed slightly behind Ellie because one fact was absolutely true.
I'm completely whipped... and it's not as bad as I thought it'd be.
"Are you sure?" Ellie looked up at me with wide eyes that flooded with uncertainty and she chewed on her lower lip, a habit she'd done so much I was surprised she had any skin left there.
I nodded instantly and raked one of my hands through my hair. Ellie's shoulders slumped slightly, her chest lifted, then dropped when she exhaled sharply. "Fine."
After Ellie's Dad's funeral, we'd slipped back into our normal, busy routine under a close-friend network of support for her. I walked her to all her classes and Monique and Charlie alternated their time with her during my practices.
While I'd hoped school and work would've been good distractions for Ellie, she'd responded in the exact opposite way. Her studies weren't up to her high standards, she dropped a few students from tutoring sessions under a 'lack of concentration' reason, and she lost a cart of books within the library. After a rigorous, multi-floor search party by the front desk staff, they found it in the back of the staff elevator.
Ellie's frustrations mounted in the apartment too. She cried herself to sleep while I held her tightly, tossed violently once she fell asleep, cursed and burned more meals in the kitchen than she liked. I couldn't have cared less about burned food because I'd grown up and scraped off Mom's blackened efforts, but Ellie was beyond frustrated at herself.
While our sex life was still amazing, Ellie's quietness was replaced with a firmer insistence that we went rougher and rougher. I felt stuck in how I wanted her pleased but worried she punished herself, so I suggested we called Dr. Sterns.
Ellie emailed her therapist, then a couple days later we sat shoulder-to-shoulder at the dining room table, where her laptop screen faced us. Our reflection stared back for a few seconds, Ellie's tired expression similar to the concern etched all over my face.
Once the video call connected, I wrapped my closest arm over Ellie's shoulders and pressed a soft kiss onto the top of her head. While part of me felt torn and helpless about how she felt, I was incredibly proud that she'd reached out for help and wanted to help where I could.
"Eleanor?" A cracked female voice broke out from Ellie's laptop. An older woman, in her late-thirties or early-forties, sat behind a desk in an office setting. Her hair was tied up in a bun and she looked curiously at her camera through a pair of glasses.
"Hi Dr. Sterns," Ellie squirmed slightly in her seat, then tilted her head up at me. "This is Logan, my boyfriend."
"Boyfriend?" Dr. Sterns blinked at me before she smiled and looked at Ellie. "I'm glad to hear that, Eleanor. How's it going?"
"Uhh..." Ellie looked up at me with question marks in her eyes.
"As good as can be expected," I answered for her. "Ellie's everything to me but I asked her if we could call you, after..."
My voice trailed off since Ellie's father's death was her news to share, as well as how she dealt with it. Thankfully, she jumped in with, "After my dad died."
"You're dad... died?" Dr. Sterns' eyes stretched wide and the tip of a pen bounced across the bottom of the screen. "I'm sorry, my condolences. How did he pass away?"
"Heart attack," Ellie mumbled as a line of tension ran from down her neck and across her shoulders. My hand on the arm around her rubbed softly over her upper arm, covered in her thick UW sweatshirt sleeve.
"Was it sudden?" Dr. Sterns asked while her pen jumped around wildly and I tried best not to track it's movements with my eyes.
"Yes." Ellie's head bobbed a few times and her hand reached up and grabbed mine.
"Did the doctor's give a cause?"
"Yes." Ellie's head dropped down to her chest, but she answered, "Hypertension and high cholesterol."
"So stress and poor health?" Dr. Sterns' candor snapped Ellie's head straight up so far my neck winced in sympathy, but again Ellie just nodded silently. "How long ago?"
"Three weeks?" Ellie's tired eyes lifted to me and I nodded.
"And did you have a chance to get your closure between you two before this happened?" Dr. Sterns shot right to the point. From my seat, I admired how directly she asked the questions, but Ellie now squirmed violently in her seat and tears beaded up in her eyes. Her mouth opened and closed a few times but no audible sounds came out.
I swallowed since I wasn't sure if I overstepped my boundaries but the sight of Ellie upset tore me up inside. "Ellie and her dad got into a fight and weren't speaking before he died."
"I see..." Dr. Sterns' pen flew wildly. "Eleanor, how are you feeling now?"
"Better..." Ellie mumbled, then relayed more information to Dr. Sterns than I was aware of, from her conversation with her Mom during the wake to how her letter had been read by her Dad and he'd written one in return.
That's why she thanked me so much.
At the time, I'd thought Ellie was just thankful I was there but a dryness crept over my tongue as Ellie laid out the real reason along with the bittersweet irony. My mistake aside, I was glad her dad had seen her note before he passed.
Never been so thankful to have done the wrong thing.
"Hmmm..." Dr. Sterns sat back into her seat, glanced downward off camera, and sighed. "Eleanor, that's a lot to unpack. Let me know if I have this correct... Your father overpushed his boundaries about your relationship with Logan, you got defensive and overreacted, then closed yourself off for self-preservation, even wrote down your feelings to your dad, but given the unfortunate events and despite your mother's manipulative intervention, never got enough closure?"
Both Ellie and I now sat back in our seats, our mouths identically gaped open. Ellie found her voice first, "I kind of got a little closure, with the letters but..."
"I'm incredibly proud of you Eleanor," Dr. Sterns looked directly at her, without a blink. Since Ellie's blank, shocked expression mirrored how I felt inside, Dr. Sterns ticked off on one hand's fingers, "You stood up for yourself and your relationship, then you recognized that you needed some boundaries and set them because your parents were overstepping. You're in a relationship with someone who I assume is concerned about your progress if he wanted us to have this session -"
At her paused glance at me, I nodded silently and squeezed Ellie tight against me. "Those are big, gigantic really, steps for you Eleanor. It's not easy to go against family members and the circumstances with your dad's death I imagine are compounding the grief with your guilt -"
"I can't help but feel like it's my fault he was stressed out," Ellie whispered as tears rolled over her cheeks. "And it still eats me upside. I -"
"Ellie..." Dr. Sterns started in a kind voice. "Don't punish yourself because heart attacks happen to many people and grief has no rules. Some people don't react for days, weeks, or even years, then suddenly break down into crying and screaming. It doesn't matter. Your mind and body will deal with grief in their own capacity, which includes putting up a blockade of self-preservation until you're truly capable of handling the grief or an external trigger sets it off."
I excused myself and grabbed Ellie a tissue, which she dabbed into the corners of her eyes as I caught the end of what Dr. Sterns said, "That kind of held-in grief is what drives people mad, eats away at their conscience. So as painful as it might be, you need to get it out."
"Now, what's important is that you have support around you," Dr. Sterns turned her attention towards me as I regained my seat. "So let's talk about that."
"We've been trying," I started in a slow voice, then went over our normal routine and how we'd made sure Ellie always had company around her.
Dr. Sterns paused for a moment, then spoke slowly at first. "That's great, very caring Logan, but it's important for Ellie to not feel smothered. Her grief will also most likely come when she's alone. It won't come on schedule, or probably even when expected, but it needs to come out and be addressed. So once that happens, then just be there for her Logan."
I nodded silently and swallowed hard since I'd thought the constant friends around Ellie when I wasn't able to be at her side myself was helpful and supportive.
"And Eleanor, it's really important to reach out. Ask for help, Logan's obviously right there. Perhaps use this time to patch things between you and your mom, or not. Call me, text me, email me, I'm here as well. At this point, the most important thing is just to get your grief out and the more that comes out, don't collapse on yourself and hold it in. It'll be more painful at first but the more you get out, the more healing can take place."
Ellie's shoulders slumped at that advice but she nodded and smiled tightly.
"Do you have any questions?" Dr. Sterns asked, then flipped through what looked like a small notebook. When Ellie and I shook our heads, she added, "If it's alright with you two, I'll like to schedule weekly meetings for the rest of this year and into the next. Holidays can be particularly painful for people who've lost loved ones and I'd like to set up Ellie with some coping exercises that'll help her release the grief in a safe, healthy outlet."
At Ellie's hesitation, Dr. Sterns pressed, "I'm willing to meet weekends if that's better for your schedules. It's really important for your health Eleanor."
My hand not around Ellie's shoulders found hers but before I squeezed it, she asked, "Sunday mornings?"
"That works for me," I added.
After we thanked Dr. Sterns, said goodbye, and a black screen greeted us again, Ellie turned towards me with a weariness in her eyes.
"Why don't you take a shower, relax?" I suggested. "I'll get dinner set up."
"Thanks," she mumbled and walked away. She paused at the doorway and offered me a sad, wistful smile that urged me forwards, but before I stood up, she walked into the bathroom.
A few minutes after the water ran, I went into the kitchen, pulled out plates and silverware, then stirred Ellie's crock pot stew recipe. As proof I wasn't completely helpless, I pulled together two small salads, set the dinner table, and paused when I heard muffled sobs through the adjacent bathroom wall.
"Ellie?" I knocked gently on the bathroom door, then turned the handle. "Can I come in?"
Ellie's sobs subsided but her voice wavered when she responded, "Yeah."
I stepped into a steam-filled room, cursed under my breath, and turned down the shower temperature. From her seated, curled over position, I counted the ridges in Ellie's spine and took in how bright pink her bare skin looked.
Without a second thought, fully clothed but at least barefoot, I stepped into the bathtub and wedged myself behind Ellie, then pulled her into my arms. She melted into my chest, where my T-shirt clung to my chest, her shoulders and spine quivered with the sobs she fought back.
"Hey..." I cupped one hand around the back of her wet haired-head, the other around her waist, and hugged her close to me. "Get it out, remember?"
The sound of her elevated, raw sobs filtered through the splatters of water around us, and every one of them struck into my heart. My arms closed around Ellie's bare, shivering body as we both drew in ragged breaths. The nearly suffocating, thick swirls of steam filled my lungs and I closed my eyes against the sense of helplessness that mounted inside me.
"We'll get through this," I whispered softly.