The gentle splashing of water is ever present; the air is scented with that characteristic odour it emanates. But what is striking and majestic is the Moon right there, hovering over the horizon and over the sea like a supernatural entity. It looks fascinating tonight. It has a blue halo around it and is almost magical looking. I couldn't have chosen a better time, honestly. I snort.
I'm leaning on a railing, and the water is gently rippling under and in front of me. The moon's magical glow is reflected on it. It's creating light in this darkness. It's no longer bleak. It's bright.
I never thought I was strong enough to do this. What was it that led me to this very position? I am standing here right now, and can't help but drive my train of thought, contemplate on my actions, decisions and the happenings which were warnings that I couldn't see. Are those mistakes of my own making? Is it my fault that I am standing here right now?
I inhale deeply and rub my face. No, I can't ruin this moment now... I can't ruin this beautiful moment. I am lucky to get it. I can't ruin it.
Slowly, I tap my shoes on the bottom of the railing. The metal vibrates and I feel it through my fingertips and my torso.
It's so easy. It's almost stupidly too simple. All that is needed is will. All that is needed is a single leap. And yet... to succeed, it's so much harder. So much more difficult.
This is wrong! This is imbalance! Why is the world like this?!
I blow out some air, watch it fog before my eyes. I need to take this easy. I need peace and solace in these final moments. I need to make them magical. The Moon has awarded me today. I need to act in kind.
I hoist myself on the railing, keeping my foot on the bottom-most bars. It's easy. It's just a drop. No one is around. It would be silent. There will not be any chaos...
I close my eyes and start to hum to myself. It's a beautiful melody. It's almost too beautiful. It's sharp, and distinct. The notes almost make you feel anything you want to. It only amplifies the feeling more. And today, it's the lullaby that I would play for myself. I would sing myself to sleep while only the Moon watched me...
"Hold on! Please don't!" A voice breaks the symphony.
I am terrified.
No... Not now. Why now! Anger boils within me.
"Why are you stopping me? Why are you ruining my moment!" I coldly seethe at the person who's pulling my coat. It's a girl. She looks frightened. Of course she looks frightened.
She starts crying. How pathetic! If anything, I should be the one crying!
"Please, please... don't. I can't... I can't watch this."
"Then don't! Leave me alone! I want my peace! I can't find any if I keep on going like this.," I scold her. I look down. "It's futile. It's meaningless."
"No... I can't let you do this. Not when I can prevent it. Not after I couldn't stop him from dying."
"Him?" What is this girl talking about?
"My own brother. He jumped off the terrace. And I was there! I was right there! I couldn't catch him. I couldn't make him...stop."
What was this? Sympathy? Pity?
"Please tell me! I am here... I will hear it all."
"Well what can you do about it? And why do you care! I am not your brother! In fact, maybe you're my age." Was that it? Was it because we were around the same age that she resented letting me go when she spotted me in action?
"Listen... Our lives aren't the same. We aren't treated the same. Inequality dwells like a monster in our society. To defeat that monster, we need will, we need strength and most of all, we need support. You can't ebb the tide single-handedly. It's not possible. I'm not capable." I shake my head while my heart throbs. Why now? Why now of all times! Why should I have to explain this to someone? Why can't I escape?
"Do you know why my brother jumped?" She hiccups and sniffs.
I look away from her, frustrated to hear someone else's perspective. I am not mad to do this! It's a choice! Just like the choice her brother made!
"He and his friends were excited to open a restaurant." She gets lost in her own recitation, leans on the railing and looks up at the sky, a faint smile creeping it's way up and tugging at the corners of her lips. She looks alluring. The glow of the blue moon embraces her golden brown hair in a sheen of frost. My heart throbs, but no longer due to the weight I'm carrying.
"He went through all kinds of pains to open that restaurant. Even his friends sold off many of their belongings in estate sales to make up for the money. I was so inspired by his passion, even though our parents warned him time and time again, not to do something like that. Saying, it was a wastage of money, there was no future in it..." She looks hurt and her featureless forehead frowns- a ripple in the balance, a tide in calm waters.
"Well, when it was all built and set to go, I couldn't forget the expression he had. I had never seen him so happy. I...still have a picture of him in that very moment when the restaurant was approved," she sniffs, her voice quivers and she traces the outline of her phone in her jacket pocket.
"What happened?" I ask, emotionless.
"The building collapsed," she said sternly. "While undergoing construction, an earthquake demolished it. It never got rebuilt. He never made his money back." She rubs her eyes. "Tell me. What was his mistake? Not listening to Mom and Dad? Investing loads into his passion? What was his mistake?! He just wanted to cook and make a living out of it. You know what happened next? The girl he wanted to spend his life with, left him for another guy. Simply because he couldn't afford her anymore. My brother did not deserve this. But, here we are." She shrugs and flips her palms smacking them back to her sides.
"It was a big hit to him. And, he couldn't take it. So, he jumped." Her eyes, have that same desolate and horrid look that I have seen in myself. I can't recognise myself from my reflection. That's how much life has damned me.
"My brother was kind...maybe too kind and caring and loving for this world. But, did he have to die for that? Wasn't there some way he could have made it despite of failing that once? Why did he have to leave me! Why did he have to leave his friends, and most of all, the ones who brought him to this world?" She looks at me, with teary eyes.
I avert my gaze and scrunch my brows. "You see, it was his choice. He simply couldn't see his life recovering from that point on. It was just fantasy to him. And getting rejected by someone who he cared about that much? He probably distrusted love after that. And, when that happens. When you can't even find warmth in love, feel it's not true, not possible to achieve, and probably feel that you don't deserve it, you break down. You simply can't move on. Love is the only thing that we get unconditionally and selflessly in this world. It doesn't abide by the stupid exchange policies. It's entirely..." I begin crying. I place my head on the railing and knock my fists.
The girl places her hand over my head and gently strokes it. She comes in close and pats my back. "Tell me," she whispers.
When I let it all out and look at her, she's giving me a sad smile. It wrenches my soul, twists my stomach and makes me feel miserable. "Please, you don't need to do this. You don't need to ruin your evening because of a useless trash like me."
"No-one is useless. You're self-deprecating. There are things you are good at."
"Well, no one praises for the things I am good at. Everyone points out my mistakes, flaws and the system beats me for not getting into places I don't fit in!"
"Negativity is a common deterrent. You can't give into it. And, why do you care? The people who rebuke you today will be the ones praising you the moment you do something remarkable. And I know you can do it! See, life is too long and there are always gonna be chances. You can't kill yourself over one failure! That's not even-"
"But I don't have a reason to live anymore," I say, in a heavy voice.
She seems to consider what I have just said. It's what it is. How can I go on when there is simply no point to it? I have been rejected by the world. So, down I go, never to cause trouble aga-
"Me! Make me your reason!" she says, desperately, keeping her hand to her chest. "I know I can do something to make things right, or put you at ease or... anything at all." She is unsure. She is not thinking straight.
"You don't have to do anything. Why should you bother yourself with someone like me? You don't know me, and might as well hate me like the others," I say, looking away, because in all probability, that is what it will be. There is more to dislike me than there is to like me.
"No...I can't live with that guilt. Even till today, everyday I am haunted by the thought that I could have saved my brother. I have to save you. I will be your reason for living! Just don't die! There's a lot you can do. There's a lot you can offer to this world. You're not useless!"
I blush. My face becomes so hot, that I cover it with my hands. My body shakes and when I remove the hands from my face, it's glistening in the moonlight.
Suddenly, my head seems so clear. Everything is so lucid. "This moment. It's a reward to me," I say in a voice filled with amazement. "I have been blessed by the moon to get this moment. To find you, and reignite the embers of my own being. I chose tonight so I won't be alone and I can marvel at the moon when I fall, down and down, till all that remains of me is a memory, while I drift away... But no. That's not what is planned for me. The moon has served a different purpose. It's remained in the background, giving atmosphere to our conversation, making it magical, influential- so much so to revert my choice. Would you truly want to get to know me?"
She blushes and smiles at me so magically. A tear falls from her eye, and she nods. "Yes. I am willing to help you, to be there for you. I want to."
And the Moon glows so brightly, it shines through our hands holding each other, glimmering out into stardust, breaking out and falling like rain- tears of joy, purpose and meaning- a different meaning, a new meaning for my life to hold. Another chance offered to make things right.
Another life realised in the continuity of a one in action, separated by the mere chanced encounter with a messenger of God. And down in the moonlit waters, waves gently lap their way into my world, as instances of a time not to come, but rewarded to me instead. Forgetting the past and reliving, an end that turned into a new beginning. A new purpose attained. New goals to be made; new paths to be tread.
And like that, I am awarded another day, and one more, and one more, till before I realise, a lifetime has passed.