Luckily she doesn't say the words, but judging by the glowing grin on Nikita's face, it takes a lot of effort. Shiori doesn't bother. 'Suki told me you went to the meeting this afternoon,' she says with a smile. 'She thought it would do you very good and it looks like she's right.'
I try to stop thinking about the energy and comfortable warmth that Chishiya radiated on me, but somehow I just can't think about anything else. Before my cheeks can turn red, I bend over the pile of clothes I've spread out over my bed with extreme interest.
Nikita walks out of the room with a big smile on her face, to which Shiori happily leans forward in the chair. 'Do I see a flush on your cheeks there? Tell me!' I laugh and shake my head, after which I cover my face with a shirt. 'Does it have to do with someone special?' she insists, but I sigh into the shirt in frustration. '"I don't think I'm ready for a man in my life yet,"' Shiori quotes me with a certain tone in her voice.
'Ah,' I gasp, throwing the shirt back onto the bed. Shiori starts to laugh. 'This is just nice, Kimora!' she exclaims. 'Then maybe something good will come out of this misery after all.' I sink into the chair and sigh. 'I talked to him for an hour,' I sigh. 'You pretend we're going to start a relationship right away.' I don't even want to look at that big grin on her face, but it's nice to see her so happy, so I do it anyway. 'I think you like him a lot.'
'Ssht!' I exclaim, holding my finger to my mouth. 'He also resides in this hallway! Maybe he'll hear..' I look at the open door of my room. What if he walks by and hears me? 'Maybe he should,' Shiori replies, 'so that he can make the first move, because you don't dare!' I roll my eyes. 'We spoke only once!'
'But it felt good, didn't it?' I can't deny that. I can feel my heart speeding up and my stomach starting to flip. Yes, it felt good. Really good. But maybe he didn't feel it at all. 'You just said my mom told you I went to the meeting,' I continue. Shiori seems to be in two minds about whether to change the subject with me, but then she nods anyway. 'Yes,' she replies. 'I really feel that she has started to see everything in a different light, because of the accident. She told me how shocked she was to learn that so many people didn't make it and that she saw many sad families in the hallways. I really think she's starting to believe that success isn't everything and that she wants the best for you.'
'My father isn't that far yet,' I mumble with a sigh, 'and to be honest, I don't know if that will ever happen.' Shiori nods. 'Just know that you're not alone, dear Kimora. Sato and I will always support you.' I look at the woman who's like a second mother to me and believe her. I feel more and more empowered to tell my parents that I'm going to map out my own future. I know I'm almost there.
'Thank you, Shiori,' I tell her from the bottom of my heart. 'You and Sato have always treated me well. You've always believed in me, so that I can do that myself now.' She gets up and comes over to give me a hug. I also get up and gladly receive it. 'Thank you, dear Kimora,' she says. 'Thanks to you, I'm able to heal.' We look at each other. Hikaru's gone, but her love will always remain.
I look up when I see movement at the door. 'I'm sorry,' Raiden mumbles, 'I could come back some other time..' He wants to continue walking, but I take a step forward and shout, far too quickly: 'No! I mean.. you don't have to.' Shiori gives me a meaningful look, but then realizes that this isn't the boy who's driving my heart crazy. But that doesn't make her happy smile any less. 'I'll be back tomorrow,' she tells me, squeezing my hand. I nod and smile at her gratefully. She takes her coat from the chair and leaves the room.
'You really don't have to brush off your mother's visit to talk to me, you know..' he mumbles as he steps further inside. I'm not going to tell him she's not my mom, because it feels like she is. Of course I have my own mother and I'm increasingly confident that our bond will be restored, but it feels nice when someone refers to Shiori as my mother. I wave it away and look at Raiden.
'I, um,' he mumbles, 'walked past your room this afternoon to say hi, but no one was there.' He doesn't seem to know how to get the conversation started. 'Oh,' I reply, slightly surprised. I also walked past his room, but I didn't expect him to do his best to come and see me, too. 'I went to the meeting,' I add. 'You did, huh?' he grins. I want to say something, but then I change my mind. 'You could've told me I had to fill in that whole questionnaire and throw it in the shredder afterwards!'
He starts to laugh. 'You really gave the impression that you were never going to go anyway, so I thought it wasn't necessary,' he says with a shrug. 'I wasn't going to go,' I say as I sit back in the chair, 'but my father took me by surprise and asked which entrance exam I wanted to register for, so I fled.'
'Ah.' Raiden nods understandingly. He seems to have doubts about something, but then he still says: 'I can tell you how I handled it at the time. I don't know, maybe I can give a few tips or something.' I get from his reluctance that he doesn't fully support this. I don't know why, but I wouldn't want this boy to do anything that he doesn't support. 'You don't have to feel obligated,' I mumble. 'You don't have to say that if you don't want to.'
'Oh, no!' he exclaims. 'That's not it. I just.. didn't want to force it on you.' Normally I would indeed find it annoying if people just impose something on me, but I don't mind with him. 'You won't,' I say. 'I'd love to hear it.' A smile appears on his face. Then, his eyes fall on my bed, which has a whole pile of clothes displayed all over it. 'Are you going out tonight?' he asks as a joke. We both know that we can't just leave the hospital. 'Actually, yes,' I reply with a slight smile. 'I bumped into a girl in the courtyard today. Her name is Kuina and she also resides in this hallway. She told me that some people are going to watch a movie in the communal lounge tonight and she asked me if I'd like to come, too.' Raiden smiles, but then sighs anyway. 'And I was hoping I'd come and invite you.'
'The more the merrier, right?' I say. 'Yes,' he replies with a shrug, 'but.. I don't know. Maybe I had hoped we could become friends or something.' He gives out a short laugh. 'Completely crazy, of course. I mean, you spoke to me once the other day and you must have plenty of friends already, so..'
'I know that I'm a lot of fun,' I joke to keep the mood light, 'but why do you assume I have friends?' He seems to be scanning me. 'Isn't that so?' I shrug. 'Except for my parents and those of my best friend, no one came to see me. Well, until you came.' A smile appears on his face. Is it because he realizes that there's a chance that we can become friends?
I don't know why I'm doing it. Maybe because he's clearly embarrassed by what he has just said to me and maybe to indicate that I'm open to a friendship with him, but I ask: 'Would you like some.. tea?' He starts to grin. 'Sure.' I move the pile of clothes aside to make it a little tidier. I walk to the sink and turn on the kettle. I put the tea bags in the mugs. After the water is boiled, I pour it in and take the mugs to him. 'Unfortunately they only have one flavour here,' I say jokingly, 'so we have to settle for that.' Raiden grins. I put his mug on the bedside table, where he looks at for a moment.
'Is that your best friend?' he asks. I look at Hikaru's picture and nod. He wants to ask something, but then he seems to be thinking of something. I see the familiar shift from a neutral face to someone who realizes it and looks shocked. 'You said only her parents came to see you..' he mumbles, lowering his eyes. 'I'm sorry, I was stupid to bring it up.'
I see him looking at the door, after which his eyes rest on the mug. Does he feel stupid for bringing it up? Is he afraid that this will scare me and is he trying to think about whether he should leave now? I want to make it clear to him that he doesn't have to.
'It's okay,' I try to say warmly. I find that I don't have to try too hard to make sure it is. 'Hikaru has passed away,' I explain, 'and I miss her very much, but I also get a lot of strength from the memories I have with her.' Raiden nods relieved, as if he likes that I don't mind him bringing it up. 'What's the best memory you have with her?' he asks a bit reluctant. That's only reinforced when he adds: 'It must be difficult to choose just one.'
'I think I got the most strength from the fact that we were getting ourselves ready to go traveling.' Raiden looks up enthusiastically and seems to have forgotten his reluctant feelings. 'Traveling?' I nod. 'We wanted to go running, hiking, cycling, swimming, canoeing..' I shake my head, laughing. 'We wanted it all.'
'Wanted?' he asks. 'I mean,' he continues quickly, 'I understand you can't do that together anymore, but.. You talk so enthusiastically about it. I think it's still your dream.' He picks up the mug and begins to drink his tea. I think about that. There was a time when I wondered if it was my dream any longer, but now I feel he's right. 'You're right,' I tell him, 'why shouldn't I do it?' The thought of my parents pops up in my head again. Raiden seems to understand. 'I'm going to help you,' he says. 'I've been going to the gym a lot lately, so we might be able to work out together.' Although he had seemed unsure whether I would appreciate his presence at first, he now tells me clearly that he wants to be there for me.
Who cares that I only met this boy yesterday? It gives me a good feeling and that's what really matters. 'Thanks,' I tell him sincerely. He wants to say something, but then we look up when Nikita walks in. 'Hey,' she says happily, after taking a quick look at Raiden and recognizing him. 'Hello,' he replies kindly. 'The chefs are preparing dinner,' Nikita says. 'Would you like meat, fish or vegetarian today?'
'I'd like meat,' I reply. Raiden nods in confirmation, as if that's his answer, too. 'Yeah, maybe I should go back to my own room,' he mumbles. It doesn't really sound like he wants to. 'But your tea isn't finished yet,' I mumble. I wonder if he can hear the disappointment in my voice. 'Of course I can just bring your food here,' Nikita says cheerfully. She tries to say it casually, but I can hear the tone in her voice. She clearly still believes it's good for me to be around people. 'Nah,' Raiden says, 'I don't want to impose.'
'You're not imposing,' I say quickly. He nods and stays seated, but there's a silence that lingers after Nikita walks away. We both clearly don't know what to say. Then, I look at my rescue: the tea bag. I bend over the label and read: 'Which coffee do you prefer to order?' Raiden looks up and starts to laugh. 'A tea bag that asks which coffee you prefer to drink?' I shrug and show him, after which he starts to grin. 'I never drink coffee,' he says, 'what about you?'
'Sometimes,' I reply, 'but if I do drink it, I prefer a vanilla latte.' He nods and looks at his question. 'What's the craziest thing you've done today?' he reads. I start to grin. 'This whole day was crazy,' I reply. 'I keep making contact with people I don't know, but would like to get to know.' He glances at me for a moment, but then starts to grin. He realizes that I'm referring to him, too.
I don't know why, but it feels like we've been friends for a long time. I just decide to embrace that feeling. When we have both done that, it's no longer uncomfortable between us. We talk for a long time and don't stop until we have to eat. Then, I take another look at the pile of clothes and realize there's no need to change. I am who I am and I'm satisfied with that. That's why I walk down the hallway with a new self-confidence, after which we arrive in the communal lounge.
I see Kuina looking up when she realizes that people are coming in. She jumps from her place enthusiastically and walks towards us. 'You came!' she exclaims. 'Of course,' I reply with a smile. A little surprised I stop when she gives me a quick hug, but she doesn't seem to notice. 'We still have to vote on which movie it will be and I need your help! The boys want to watch a movie in which there's racing and shooting, but the girls are more in the mood for some romantic movie.'
'Romance,' I mumble, 'yuck.' Judging by Kuina's grin, she also prefers an action movie. We walk to the others, where Kuina immediately mixes herself in, but Raiden and I remain a little uncomfortable on the side. We mainly listen to the discussion about which movie will be watched. The girls are fierce and start talking about some actor, but the boys don't want to hear about it. With a smile on my face I watch the conversation, until my thoughts are distracted when another person appears in the doorway.
I have to hold back not to jump, but I notice my heart leaping when Chishiya steps in a little uncomfortable. He lets his eyes glide through the space, after which they come to me. I quickly avert my gaze and look nervously at the ground. What is this? Why do I suddenly get so nervous?
'Romance,' Raiden says with a soft grin, 'yuck.' I shove him with a smile and then look back at Chishiya, who still stands still. He seems to have doubts about whether to continue walking or go back into the hallway. I quickly get up and walk towards him. 'Hey,' I say. 'Hey,' he says. For a moment we look at each other a bit embarrassed, but then he starts to smile. I can tell from him. He didn't come because of his roommate's cries, he came for me.
'I thought the movie hadn't started yet.' I follow his gaze and end up with the group. The action movie apparently outlived the vote, as the boys start giving each other high fives and the girls sink themselves back into place, defeated. 'What are we going to watch?' He's not quite close to me, but I still feel the tension in my body rising when I hear his words close to my ear. I turn my head and see that he's still in the same place as before, but for a moment it felt like he was much closer. Or did I just want that?
'A movie with racing cars and pistols,' I reply as normally as possible. I can see he's trying to hold back a sigh. 'It's not too late to leave, is it?' he mumbles. I hope it was a joke, because I absolutely wouldn't like it if he leaves now. 'Come on,' I tell him. Not wanting him to go, I bring my hand forward as an impulse and gently grasp his wrist. 'It's going to be fun,' I say, starting to walk further into the room. Then, I realize that he might not like me touching him at all. Startled, I stop and withdraw my hand. From the corner of my eye I think I can see him smiling and I muster the courage to look at him to check it. Yes, he's smiling. I can feel my stomach flip.
'Kimora!' Kuina exclaims enthusiastically. 'Are you coming?' I look at the group and see that everyone's already in a comfortable position. The girls also, who reluctantly decide to watch anyway. I see that there are two places left on the couch in the back. My heart beats faster at the thought that those are the only free spots. Does this mean that I'll be sitting next to Chishiya for the entire movie? The nerves rise even more.
'I think they want to start,' he says with a grin. Does he notice my reaction? Yes, I see when I look at him, he sees that he makes me nervous. He seems to like it. 'Come on,' he says, raising his hand and now gently grasping my wrist, 'it's going to be fun.' I don't even try my best to hide my smile anymore. I walk with him and sit on the couch next to him.
My eyes fall on Raiden, who gives me a grin and throws us a blanket. He turns his face away from Chishiya and wiggles his eyebrows for a moment. I look away with burning cheeks. Oh God, I sit next to Chishiya all movie long. What if I act like an idiot, because of those miserable butterflies I feel?
Chishiya grabs the blanket and spreads it over us. He leans his head to me slightly and then whispers: 'I'm glad we're in the back. Now it's not noticeable when I fall asleep.' I try to keep acting normal and grin at him, but I can't hide the effect it has on my body to feel his warm breath against my ear. I'm sure he notices. 'Just don't snore,' I whisper back. Did I notice that correctly? Is he reacting exactly the same now? 'Don't worry,' he replies, 'I won't do that to you.' I grin at him again and then turn my head to the screen, where the first scene starts to play.
From the corner of my eye I see Chishiya looking at me every now and then and I do my best not to look back, but sometimes we still get eye contact and we smile at each other for a moment. I'm very aware that he's so close and that his energy feels good. I even do my very best to inconspicuously shove a little more towards him, without really getting too close. He tries the same, because our shoulders suddenly touch. We both let out a soft breath, but neither of us bother to sit up and break contact. On the contrary: I can feel how he moves his hand over the couch and how he gets closer and closer to mine. He's doing it very slowly, like he's trying to give me a chance to withdraw my hand, but I don't want to. It's not going fast enough. I move my hand towards his, after which I can feel him.
I try my best not to grin like crazy at the screen, but I know the blanket isn't making me feel warm. He does.
I think of the questions we answered. "Do you have hope in life?"
I look at Kuina, who occasionally looks back to see if I'm still there. Then, I look at Raiden, who does the same now and gives a little grin. Then, I feel Chishiya begin to gently brush my hand with his fingertips. It makes me feel even warmer. I don't know why I feel so connected to these people so quickly, but it feels good. I think of Hikaru and her parents, who have always believed in me, so that I can do that myself. Then, I think of my mother, who finally seems to see what is really important: happiness. I'll figure it out. I can do it.
Thanks to these people, I have hope in life.
"What do you want to do with this second chance you've been given?"
I want to explore where this is going. Where this connection with Kuina and Raiden goes. Where this exciting, warm connection with Chishiya is going. I want to take this second chance to really start living and not waste a single second of it.
So when Chishiya shyly puts his arm around me, I curl up against him and put my head on his shoulder.