I'm sorry for not updating but I finished my exams 2 days ago and now a lot of ✨adult✨ stuff is happening😀 (I'm not fine). And I'm procrastinating breaking someone's heart so I'm kinda not in the mood for love right now✌🏻😗
Anyway have fun reading this chapter. I guess I'll break more hearts with this one lol💀
~Rob's perspective~
How does this keep happening? I woke up and happily snuggled closer, until I remembered what happened last night. I remember him trying to sing and sounding terrible, but it still warmed my heart. The way he pulled me closer... The way he smiled when he heard me sing... The way he kissed me... I do not think that was to get me into bed, right? He was so happy when I got there, completely oblivious to the many new TikTok edits that had been made, the new fan art that was uploaded, the forgotten fan fiction that was being updated again...
And then she came in, and he just lied in her face. He was stone-cold against the mother of his children. How could he lie to such a nice person? How did he have enough strength to break someone's heart?
I remember how she was when she invited Sjoerd and me to dinner. I just started in the Chamber and became reacquainted with Jesse. The four of us sat in the living room, my hand on Sjoerd's knee, his arm around her, the kids playing in the background. She talked about everything Jesse did when he got home, how nervous he was for the speeches he gave, how much she liked my speeches, and how adorable Sjoerd and I were. I complimented her on her beautiful house, her amazing clothes, and her well-behaved children. The normal stuff.
Eventually, she got up and put the kids to bed, Sjoerd went to the toilet, and Jesse and I were left alone. We laughed at some stupid joke I can not remember. When Sjoerd came back in I was so excited to tell him about the joke, to see him laugh, but right now I can only think about how Jesse's eyes lit up. How did I not see he liked me?
And now that beautiful heart that invited me into her house with nothing but love had been shattered to pieces by the man my head is lying on. And why? Because of me. 'You were the reason for my divorce, Rob.'. I heard him lie to her, I knew it hurt her and I still ended up in the same bed as him. How does it keep happening?
I look up at him again. His face is so calm, the slightest hint of a smile on his lips. How could that face cause harm? I have seen it frustrated, I have seen it smiling, I have even seen it crying, but would I see it trying to hurt me?
And yet, with all this fear building inside me, I am still lying in his arms, my heart racing while I think about him. "I do not ever want to stop listening to your singing." "Newsflash: I'm not sleeping with Rob!" Words said only mere seconds apart, their impact so different. But he is convinced they were both said out of love. I feel like he is not telling me something. How could he not see how different the impact of his words was?
BEEP BEEP BEEP-
I feel him jerk awake. His hand leaves my arm to hit the alarm. It comes back to pull me closer than before. I can not help but snuggle closer, wanting to feel his skin on mine, even if it is the last time.
"Mmm goodmorning..."
"Morning."
He buries his face in my hair.
"Mmmm you smell so nice."
I smile into his chest.
"If that isn't too weird."
I chuckle.
"No, it's fine."
"Good, cause it's true."
"That it isn't too weird?"
"No that you smell ni... I'm too tired for sarcasm."
"Mmmm... well you smell nice too."
"I'm gonna assume that it isn't sarcastic, because I do smell nice."
I feel his chuckle against my cheek and can not stop myself from smiling. But the smile falls away when I remember what I was thinking about. He keeps doing this, distracting me...
"Hey Jesse..."
"Mmm?"
"Did... why did you say that to Jolein."
I feel him freeze, his head moving away to look at me. I do not want to look him in the eye so I keep staring at my hand on his chest.
"Why did I say what?"
"You told her we weren't together. Why did you lie? Or better, why didn't you tell the truth?"
"I thought you didn't want people to know..."
I am so surprised I look up, but his eyes show nothing but innocence. He means it.
"What do you mean?"
"You didn't want people to know, that's what you said."
"Well yes, because I didn't want people to get hurt. I think Jolein is hurt right now."
"She would be more hurt if I told her we actually sleep together."
"I don't think she would."
"Well, I've known her since kindergarten, I'm pretty sure I know her better than you."
"I know basic human empathy."
"What does your basic human empathy think of telling the truth."
"It would hurt, but at least she won't find out you're lying. She would get over it."
He starts laughing. I feel his body twitching and grow more confused. Why is he laughing?
"Okay, yeah, no."
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing, it's just- never mind..."
"Just tell me."
"No, I can't tell you. It's- it's personal. Just take it from me, it's better this way. Let's get to work."
He tries to take his arms off me, but I hold on tighter.
"Babe, I still need to make you some breakfast..."
He tries to lean in, but I dodge him.
"No. Not until you give me some more information."
"I told you it's personal! I can't just spill private details about my w- ex-wife!"
I choose to pretend I did not hear him slip up, but my heart still protests. Did he really want to say 'wife'?
"Was she cheated on before?"
"You call this cheating? I'm not in a relationship with her anymore!"
Then why did you almost call her your wife? I try to repress the thought, I now need to get to the bottom of why he thought that lying was the best option.
"Did a partner before you cheat on her?"
"Like I said, it's personal. Now, either we cuddle some more or I am obliged to make you breakfast."
I want to keep him around a little longer. If he can be pushy, so can I. So I hold on.
"Okay, cuddles it is."
"But how can you lie to her?"
"With 'cuddling' I meant silence..."
"And with 'cuddling' I meant I'm not satisfied with your answers."
"Have you never lied to Sjoerd?"
"That's different."
"Why?"
"I lied to not hurt him, you lied to hurt her."
"I did not lie to hurt her, I already told you. Why can't you trust me?"
"Because I don't want to get hurt."
I immediately regret saying it. I really put all of my cards out. He could now tell me it was all in my head, that I was paranoid. I gave him a way to make it a problem that I needed to fix, not him.
"Rob..."
A tear rolls over my face as I look into his eyes. They are soft, warm and welcoming. These are not the eyes of someone who would hurt me, right? Or did Jolein also look into his eyes and think this? Did Sjoerd look into mine and thought that-
His hand moves to my face, his thumb wipes the tear off my cheek. His other arm is on my back, holding me tightly. I want to go back to before I asked, before I heard him talk to Jolein. I want to go back to just being able to lie in his arms without feeling anything but happiness. I want to settle against his chest and forget everything.
"Rob, I already told you, I don't want to hurt you."
"You also don't want to hurt Jolein, but you did."
"If I would've told the truth she would've known. What would've you said then? That I'm an idiot for telling her, because now she can leak information? Or worse, she could tell Sjoerd."
"Well, Sjoerd already replaced me and told me he didn't love me anymore."
"Jolein said the same thing, but she still showed up at my door at the slightest hint of a relationship."
I do not have an answer. He pulls my head to his chest, I feel his skin against my cheek, hear his heart pulse against my ear.
"I promise I won't hurt you... unless you want me to."
We giggle softly, our hearts beating faster in the same rhythm. I feel his face in my hair again, feel a soft kiss being pressed on my scalp.
"Promise?"
"With every cell of my body."
I know he truly believes it, truly believes that he will not hurt me. But how can you promise something you do not know? I try to shake off the thought and enjoy the moment. It feels so safe to be in his embrace, it feels so safe to hear his soft words, it feels so safe to love him.
But the doubts stay. The doubts stay as I dress myself. The doubts stay as we eat breakfast. The doubts stay as we get to our job, a little more paparazzi than usual, probably already writing about us showing up at work together. The doubts stay as I listen to the debate, watching him answer questions about his plan, his posture bored. The doubts stay when I walk through the door of my studio and make some instant noodles. The doubts stay.