(Trigger warning self harm and eating disorder)
JJ's POV:
I have a few days to myself, I will get my head in the right place before I see anyone. But for right now all I want to do is go bed. As soon as I lay down everything hurts. I lay on my back with my arm on top of the comforter, I don't want any of the cuts to reopen while I'm sleeping. After a few minutes of trying to get comfortable I finally fall into a deep sleep.
A few hours pass and I woke up, I was having a nightmare. I was picturing Will on top of me again, he was beating me senseless. It was only 4 am, I decided to try and fall back asleep. It was no use. So I went into the kitchen and opened the cabinet where I keep my alcohol. I grabbed a bottle of vodka and sat on the couch. I turned my tv on and I watched the news. I wasn't actually paying attention to it, I just wanted some background noise. I downed half the bottle in a hour. I saw the sunlight start to peek through my blinds. I continued to drink away my problems until I couldn't see straight. I passed right back out on the couch, sound asleep.
Emily's POV:
It was early in the morning and I was getting ready before I left for work. I haven't gotten a text from JJ, I figured she would text me just to let me know how she was doing but she didn't. I hope she's okay. After work I'm thinking about stopping over there just to check in on her. I know she told me not to but she's my best friend and I want to help her feel better. As I walked in the office Hotch told us that we still didn't have a case, so it was yet another paperwork day. I didn't mind not having a case because that meant I could see JJ after work.
It was now around 12 and Garcia suggested that me and her should go to lunch, and of course I said yes. Me and her had a nice time, we talked about work and then she asked about JJ. I told her that she wasn't feeling to well and Garcia said the same thing, that I should go over after work to see how she was doing. I promised Garcia that I would before we went back to work.
JJ's POV:
It was later in the day and I felt like shit. I had a empty bottle of vodka sitting on the floor next to me. I didn't want to do anything today. I just wanted to sit here in silent. I was hungry but I didn't want to eat, I feel like I don't deserve food. Maybe it was my fault what Will did to me. Maybe I should have said stop a little bit louder. I should have fought back more. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I guess I deserved this. I deserve the pain, I don't deserve anything good. I need to feel something right now. I got up and walked to the bathroom. The blade sat on the corner of the bathtub. I grabbed it and pushed deep into my thigh. I watched as the blood poured out of my thigh and onto the bathroom tile. I cut another 9 times. Cutting gave me the sweet release that I craved for. I waiting for the bleeding to stop as I sat on the floor.
After maybe 30 minutes the bleeding stopped. There was blood everywhere but I didn't want to clean it right now. I went back into my room and threw on a sweatshirt and sweatpants. I haven't ate anything in 2 days and I still didn't want to. My stomach grew louder as the hours passed. I just sat on my couch in the dark. The tv played but I never listened to it. I sat in my thoughts, memories of that night played over and over again in my head. When I finally snapped out of it I looked out my window and noticed it was getting dark. It must have been around 6 now. I looked at my phone that was on the coffee table, I had a few text messages from Emily.
Emily: Hey JJ I just wanted to check on you, no one on the team has heard from you today so I was a little worried. 2:39
Emily: Hey JJ I still haven't heard from you it's been a few hours, I know you might be asleep so I just wanted to let you know I'm coming over after work to check on you. I'll see you in a hour. 5:03
Oh shit why is she coming. I told her not to. I look like a mess, I can't have her see me like this. I checked the time, it was 5:46. I had a little time to clean up around here before she would come. I threw the bottle of vodka in the garbage and took the trash out. I went in the bathroom and started to clean the dried blood of the tiles. It took a while to come off but it did. When I finally got it all off I heard my doorbell ring. I knew I still smelled like vodka so I put a few mints in my mouth and walked to the door. I opened the door to see Emily standing there with a container filled with soup. She must have made it. I smiled as I invited her in.
"I'm sorry Emily I have been asleep all day and I didn't see your messages"
"Oh it's okay, I was just worried about you and I wanted to make sure you were doing okay, how are you doing?"
"I'm fine, my stomach stills hurts but other then I'll be okay"
"Are you sure, you seem like you have something else on your mind?"
"No Em I'm fine, really I am"
"Why are you wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, it's like 70 degrees in here, are you not hot?"
"No I'm fine"
"You don't seem fine JJ"
"Emily you should just leave, I don't want to get you sick"
"I want to help you JJ but you have to tell me what's wrong, you keep saying it's nothing but I know you"
"Jesus Emily just go home, I don't want you here"
"JJ please talk to me"
"Emily go the hell away, I'm fine, I'm just sick, I'll be back to work in a few days"
"JJ stop trying to push me away all I want to do is be here for you and help you"
General POV:
Emily goes to pull JJ into a hug but she drops to the ground and pushes herself to the wall.
"I'm sorry I'm so sorry, please don't hit me, I'll do whatever you want but please don't hit me"
"JJ oh my god I would never hit you, I'm so sorry if I scared you"
JJ starts to have a panic attack. She pulls her knees up to her chest and hides she face. JJ starts to hyperventilate and Emily doesn't know what to do.
Emily gets behind JJ to hold her. Emily starts to rock JJ back and forth until she calms down. Emily sees JJ's breathing start to even out. She still holds her tight. JJ let's her head fall back into Emily's chest as she relaxes.
"JJ sweetie please tell me what is going on, I'm very worried about you right now"
"Emily I'm sorry I worried you, I don't want to be a burden, you can leave if you want"
"JJ I'm not going anywhere, please talk to me"
"I don't want to scare you away, your my best friend and I can't lose you"
"JJ whatever you tell me stays between us, I promise you won't scare me away"
"Okay I'll tell you"
Emily helps JJ up and they both go and sit in the couch. Emily starts to smell vodka. JJ spilt some of it on the couch when she was drinking it this morning.
JJ's POV:
I really didn't want to tell anyone this. I don't want them to worry about me, especially Emily. I start to tell her everything that Will did to me. I didn't want to tell her about the cutting or the fact I haven't eaten.
"Jesus JJ I'm so sorry that happened to you, why didn't you tell us when he first started to do it?"
"Because I didn't want everyone to think I was weak, I'm a damn FBI agent I should be able to protect myself"
"What Will did to you doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong because you got away from him and survived"
"I don't feel strong"
Emily pulls me into a hug. I wince. I thought she didn't hear me but she did.
"I'm sorry did I hurt you"
"No no you're fine, I'm just a bit sore from what he did"
"I'm going to kill him for what he did to you JJ, I promise you"
"Thank you Emily"
"I'll heat up some of this soup for you"
"No thank you Emily, I'm not hungry right now"
"Are you sure JJ?"
Right as I was about to say no my stomach grew loud, I knew Emily was going to be mad at me for lying.
"JJ you need to eat, your obviously hungry"
"Emily I'm fine, I will eat soon"
"No JJ I will sit here and watch eat to make sure you actually do, when I hugged you I could feel your rib cage, that isn't healthy"
"Emily I will eat, I promise I will just not right now"
"Well I'm not leaving here until I see you eat"
"Fine I'll eat but after I do you're going home"
"Fine"
Emily started to heat up some of the soup that she brought over. I started to panic because I was doing good with not eating anything. I was finally losing weight. Emily could see that I was anxious but she didn't say anything.
When the soup was warm she set it on the counter and told me to take a seat. I did. After she handed me a spoon I just sat there and stared at the food.
"JJ you need to eat, you can't just sit there and stare at it"
She walked over to me and put her hand on my shoulder. She gave me a sad look and I could tell that me not eating hurt her. So I took a few bites. Every time I ate her smile grew a little bigger.
"JJ you're doing great"
"Emily you don't have to stay"
"I want to make sure you eat"
I finished my soup just to get her to leave.
"JJ I'm very proud of you for eating, I will go now since you ate, I will talk to you tomorrow"
"Bye Emily"
"Goodnight JJ"
I watched her as she walked over to the elevator. As soon as she got on the elevator I closed to door and ran into the bathroom. I grabbed my toothbrush and shoved it down my throat. I made myself throw up everything I ate. I sat on the floor crying because I knew how happy it made Emily to see me eat and now I did this. I knew she would hate me for it.
Emily's POV:
I was terrified for JJ. I had this feeling in my stomach that something wasn't right. As soon as the elevator door opened for me to get off at the ground floor I pushed the button so it would bring me back up to the third floor were JJ's apartment was. Something told me that JJ wasn't okay and I needed to check for myself.