Enobaria's dinner was good. It was mostly the people from the capitol talking about how excited they are for the tour. I didn't care much for the convosation topic.
I waited for Cato to come around with his family and prep team but it never happened. The other two victors didn't come etheir. We barely see them at all. There games were impressive I rember watching the clearly. I rember when Cato and I ate berries we would sometimes discuss what was going on
I miss him. It's not because I haven't seen him for ages, I saw him a day ago. I miss being able to just go to him whenever. I'm sure after the next games the media won't bother with us anymore and we can go back to normal. Well our normal anyway.
I can't sleep. It seems an impossible task. Thinking about the fact I have to face the districts who's children I killed.
I have a feeling Nimit will burst into my room soon shouting about how it's a busy day tommorw. I wonder if she's asleep right now. Peacefully sleeping right down my hall.
My sleep is never normally peaceful. I'm burdened with nightmares of the games. I know Cato is too, he screams in his sleep. I hold him close when he wakes and he drifts back off. I don't scream, my nightmares are silent and lonely. Offering no comfort.
Is It selfish to wish I could make a sound to wake Cato, so he can hold me in his arms like I do him? Yes it would be. we should grasp every bit of sleep we can get. The bags under all the victors eyes run deep. I know they must all struggle with the horrors of the games.
The horrors they can't tell to anyone but other district 2 victors. I remember Brutus telling me despite everything the other victors still don't trust Careers as much due to the nature we're raised in. So all we have is each other. I think I'm ok with that.
Eventually I must of fall into sleep because I'm awoken by Nimits shrill voice shouting
"Up up up"
I rub my eyes and sit up in my bed. She's already dressed in a bright pink get up. The wig is small but her hat and skirt barely fit through the door frame. I push the duvet off and Am instantly cold. The temperature must've dropped even further overnight.
I don't know what I can do to get prepared the prep team have probably decided my appearance down to the last detail. I get out of the bed and follow Nimit into the kitchen as she riffles through the cuboards, finding nothing.
There's a knock on the door and I hear her say
"Good thing you came this house is absolutely empty"
Enobaria and Cinna enter the room. Enobaria is clutching a weaved basket no doubt full of food like always. She walks into my dining room laying it across the table.
"My team went back to the capitol" says Cinna "I'll be doing your makeup today"
I nod at him. I didn't expect the prep team to stay. They could've if they wanted to. But why would they want to stay in a district when the capitol is at their disposal.
We eat a breckfast. I just stick to what's safe. Porridge and berries as always. I honestly can't describe how nervous I am for the dinners at each district. But they can see I'm a ruthless killer from district 2. I can't let them see I'm still a kid. Well I'm not a kid I'm 16. I could go into work if I wanted to. I could've quit school optionally. Of course I was forced out of schooling anyway. If I had the choice I think I would've stayed.
Breckfast is over not soon enough. Although part of me wishes it lasted longer because now I'm closer to the cameras. Closer to the train. At least I'll see Cato. I've got that. It's a positive.
Cinna pulls out his own bag. Everyone stays chatting at the dining table whilst he reconstructs my face with makeup. He says that my whole body will be covers so there's no need for the whole routine. My face is done and he moves onto the hair. Straighten it until there's not a single pice of fuzz.
Cinna takes me into the living room for privacy getting dressed. he puts me in a crimson and black get up suiting the common theme of colours the capitol has seemed to pick for me. It's finished with a long black trench coat and shiny black boots. It will defiantly keep me warm.
He holds up a mirror so I can see it all together. The makeup is dramatic yet still understated clearly applied by the hand of a professional. It amazes me how one man can make me feel pretty when I've dedicated years of my life to hating myself. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm not me when he gives me the makeover.
When I re-enter the room Nimit applauds.
"Brava, Bravo. You've done it again Cinna. You really are the finest stylist in Panem. To think they assigned you to district twelve." Nimit praises
"Thank you." He says "but actually I asked for district 12"
Nimit looks at him like his somewhat insane.
"Katniss and Peeta" I whisper
Saying there names makes the victory tour seem even more real. I feel my lungs get ripped of air thinking of their body's.
"I.. can't.. I can't do this. Katniss and Peeta were ment to win, not me! Not Cato! Not even Finch!" I shout.
My vision is somewhat blurred. I don't know if I'm sad or angry or just everything. I run upstairs leaving all the guests sitting at the table. I know what I just said is true. I think they knew it too. The two from twelve were the favourites from the start.
I don't understand why I have only learned respect for them now they're six feet under.
My feet carry me up into my knife room. I pick up an artillery of knives and start throwing them into the target.
It seems to melt everything away. All I can focus on is the aim. What pattern I will make. You have to control your breathing so the knife flys straight. Throwing has never failed me. I feel sereneirty overcome me.
I know I will never houner the pact I made to myself during the games 'I'll bury my knives I'm not a killer' who was I kidding of course I'm a killer.
I can hear the stairs creaking behind me. A wave of embarrassment hits me. I just yelled at them all again. I sigh and face the person standing in the door way. Enobaria.
"You alright kid?" She asks
"Yeah" I throw a knife at the target "I'm fine. The tour. It's just. I don't know." I say not quite turning to face her.
"I know. It's harder for district two. We have to pretend we love the games still. Snow barely allows us victors to talk to any other victors outside the careers because our reputation. But what you said earlier about twelve. They could've won. in fact I think they could've had the same impact you might. But Foxface was clever. She couldn't guarantee their love was strong enough for them both to win. At least that's what I think." Enobaria says
I consider every word and turn to face her "I never wanted to make an impact, I don't understand why Finch or Foxface, whatever they call her choose me. If she was so smart she would've realised I was weak." I say
"Your not weak." Enobaria says plainly "Foxface gave hope, and you can't diminish it. I promise I'll protect you the best I can."
The door opens and I hear the voices of Aurora and Leo running up to Nimit followed by awkward squeals about their dress. I raise my head. I hear someone coming up the stairs. Cato! It's Cato! I will get to see him after all. We both hug pulling eachother close but Enobaria quickly speaks up in a hushed voice.
"Listen, somthing is happening in the districts. I went by the mayors and saw it on his security. It's district 8. They wave flags with the image of a fox on it. I've seen different districts doing the three finger sulute from twelve. There looking at you two as a symbol of unity. They saw your sacrifice. They heard Foxface saying you could change Panem. If capitol loyalists can defy the capitol why can't anyone?" She says quickly
Cato and I look at eachother waiting for this to absorb. Of course snow had said almost the same thing but coming from Enobaria's lips it was daunting somthing actually happening. And they think we can lead them.
Cato and I turn to face eachother. We never asked for this. Catos eyes are wide.
"No!" He protests "snow, he said he will kill Clove. I won't let it happen."
I turn to him surprised by his words. I thought he would be ready for the idea of a new Panem. He worries the Leo and Aurora will go in the same games. Like the brother and sister from district one.
"We have to do this." I say rubbing his arm "for Aurora and Leo. We can change the world for them"
Enobaria chips in. "Brutus and I will be there, we won't give them the Opportunity to hurt Clove and your family. The capitol taking out us" she scoffs "they'd be lucky"
Cato looks at Enobaria "promise me."
"Yes" says Enobaria "I promise."
The promise seems empty to me. How could she ever promise somthing as big as that. But Cato seems satisfied so I don't speak up.
"I only told Cinna to get Cato so I could tell you both about the uprisings. Cato your barely ready for the cameras you need to go back, put on a performance and find a subtle way to show the districts your with them." Says Enobaria flicking her eyes between us. "I was informed by the capitol Brutus and I are not aloud on this tour. So you'll have to watch each others backs for this one but most importantly watch your own"
Her words surprise me. Normally the Victor, Mentor, stylist and escort would travel together. So if just Cato won the games it would be Nimit, Desmond and Brutus. But because we both won there's an extra stylist taking the place of the one mentor. This is obviously a tactical move by the capitol. But can be disguised as completely reasonable.
Before I can say goodbye to Cato Enobarias already dragging him down the stairs out the front door. I'm left standing with everything that's just been said.
I hear the door close and the house is quiet except the low mummer of the TV in the living room. I walk downstairs to Cinna and Nimit watching Caesar Flickerman hype up the audience for our short interviews before the tour. Currently his recapping our time in the games.
I stand in the doorway and let my mind wander, thinking about the other districts. How I'm going to give them hope like Enobaria said I could.
It's an impossible task. We just need to somehow show them that they're right. They figured it out. Not the capitol and there mindless ramblings about us. It's not far from the truth. We don't have to hate eachother for the capitol, just like we wanted the win for ourselves.
All we have to do is not catch snows attention. Seem unremarkable. Just Another two career tributes who will fade into the shadows of those before them.
I want to change Panem so nobody else has to go through the games. I need to do this. It's not just about survival anymore. I need to win the games.