It had been four days, Colby found out.
Four days he had spent locked in that room.
Everything that had happened to him, that he and Sam had been forced to do, had happened over four days.
It was kind of mind boggling.
In that timeless place (a warehouse outside of LA, Elton had informed him), Colby's life had changed.
Forever.
Irrevocably.
And he didn't know how to handle that yet.
Sam had registered the date on the welcome board at the front of the room before Colby had. It was four days from when they had planned to do the haunted hotel stay over. Technically the 5th, if they counted the night they spent unconscious.
"Hey man," Sam whispered, jerking Colby out of his daze. Sam was staring at him with less than subtle concern. "How are you doing?" His voice was still shredded from... Colby forced the memory from his head.
Unfortunately, as he went to speak, he realized his voice wasn't much better. "I'm okay, I guess." He tried to smile at Sam, but it probably came out more as a pained grimace, an expression Sam mirrored. "Just fuckin'... we're out. We made it."
Sam squeezed his hand. "Yeah, we did," He agreed softly. He stared into space for a moment before murmuring, "It doesn't feel like its over yet does it?"
Colby shook his head. "I still feel like someone's going to jump us and try to..." He shuddered. The room was a pleasant temperature, and the blankets and chair he sat in were soft, but he could still remember fingers jabbing down his throat, neck pulled to straining, pulling desperately against metal shackles that were never going to give, Sam screaming as he was forced to take it...
"Colby?" Sam's voice broke through the flashback. He blinked, shaking his head to look at Sam, just then realizing how his heart rate and breathing had picked up. He consciously tried to calm them. Sam met his eyes earnestly, but there was anger in them. Not at him, he knew that.
Sam wouldn't hurt him.
Sam let out a long breath. "I wouldn't let them," He whispered, and Colby realized he was responding to his earlier statement. "No one's going to touch you again, Colby. Not unless you want it too. I hate that...". Sam was trembling now. Colby could feel it through where he held Sam's hand.
Sam needs a hug, Colby thought to himself. Could he... could he give Sam that, touch him right now? He shifted in the wheelchair, watching where that damn IV was before moving. The motion caught Sam's attention, and Colby watched him started to ask what Colby was doing.
"Colby..."
"Scoot over," Colby tried to throw him a casual smile, but he knew when he felt it across his face that it looked forced.
"You don't have to..."
"Sam, shut up."
That at least got a startled laugh out of his friend. Colby sat on the edge of the bed, wincing slightly at the pressure to injured areas, before wiggling to try to scoot in beside Sam. Sam didn't help or push him away, letting Colby take this at his own pace, a gesture Colby greatly appreciated.
Talking his brain down from panicking at the close contact was a difficult thing. As he pressed his shoulder against Sam's he got brief flashbacks to hot body pressing him down, choking, tearing, begging- Sam. Sam was still looking at him with something like wonder-love- and Colby reminded himself why he was doing this. Because it would be so easy to never let anyone get close to him again but Sam needed him...
Sam's voice was quiet when he asked, "Are you okay if I wrap my arm around you?"
No.
"Just... slowly?" Colby whispered, just now realizing how badly he was shaking. Sam looked pained, but moved anyway, keeping his eyes locked onto Colby's as he wrapped his arm around his shoulder, not even pulling, just laying it there.
Colby took a deep, deliberate breath in and out through his nose. This was Sam. Sam wouldn't hurt him. Not on purpose. He struggled to reconcile the part of his brain telling him to get the fuck out of there because something was holding him down and the part of him that knew it was Sam.
Sam's eyes were red, and he looked somewhere between sadness and anger, trying to hold tears in. "You don't have to touch me, Colby," He whispered thickly, "I mean, after he... and I..."
Sam was still blaming himself. "Fuck, Sam," Colby felt angry tears of his own fill his eyes. "This isn't your fault. You didn't fucking..." He was shaking again, "Hold me down and shove your dick in my ass." The words came out like he had been kicked in the gut, his abdomen contracting as he spoke them.
The words were meant to be harsh, meant to make a point, but Colby still felt guilty when Sam winced, looking away from him. "I know," He said softly, "But I still hurt you. And you can't tell me that I'm not getting mixed up in your head with him." Colby took a breath to argue, but was cut off by Sam, his voice barely there when he murmured;
"You could still touch me before he hurt you."
The breath left his lungs in a slow, sad sigh. Sam wasn't wrong, even though it hurt him deep in his chest to admit it. "It's not because I'm picturing you," He insisted stubbornly. "I trust you Sam. Sometimes my body just..." He forced himself to relax into Sam's side, trying to take the same comfort from the contact he knew Sam needed. Sam's hand gently rubbed his shoulder, "You did everything you could."
Sam searched his eyes, and it was just then that Colby noticed how close their bodies were, their faces. Close enough that with a little movement he could kiss Sam again, if he wanted to. Sam seemed to notice it too.
Did he want to?
Or was that just the trauma talking?
He opened his mouth to ask Sam about that whole conversation when Sam reached up to touch his face. Colby almost flinched back, the touch was so unexpected. Sam winced apologetically, but he still whispered, with a small amount of fear in his voice, "I really want to kiss you right now."
Colby's heart stopped, before restarting at an accelerated rate, racing out of his rib cage because what did Sam just say? Sam's face was flushing, the eyes open and wide and vulnerable and Colby could almost imagine that he saw something like love in them. Sam wanted to kiss him...
He realized he had taken a moment too long to react when he saw the start of regret in Sam's eye, his body already retreating with a self damning expression on his face and Colby couldn't have that.
Because he wanted to kiss Sam too.
So he reached over, gently pulling a fistful of Sam's hair and pressing him down into the pillows he leaned against. Apprehensive relief lit up across Sam's face, and he passively let Colby reposition him so that he was under Colby, letting Colby have control of this situation. Sam didn't have to do it, but Colby so greatly appreciated him accommodating for his trauma, feeling the warmth permeate the cold cavity of his chest. It was the swell of love that Colby felt bloom in his chest that let him have no qualms leaning down and kissing Sam.
Sam's breath shuddered in through his nose at the contact, pulling cold air across Colby's face. His body tightened, the muscles of his abs and arms tensing but still he kept his hands gentle, one still resting on Colby's cheek while the other lay lightly on his back.
Kissing Sam was just as good as it had been the first time. Warm, soft, receptive, and comfort. Sam kissed him back with as much gusto as Colby was giving him, but not pushing for any more, just kissing him, content to let their mouths move and bodies feel. Sam's hand on his cheek moved to match his other on his back, gently holding Colby close.
Colby pulled on Sam's hair, detaching their lips so that he could run his mouth down the column of Sam's neck, letting himself feel and taste Sam. He hadn't liked seeing Sam in this hospital gown before, but now was grateful for it, as it didn't impeded his progress as he made it to the juncture of Sam's neck and shoulder.
Both of them seemed surprised at the noise that came out of Sam's mouth when he tongued over Sam's skin there. The sound was akin to a broken whimper, aborted half way because there was no way that his room was soundproof and they both knew that. He looked at Colby with wide eyes, blood rushing into his cheeks as he muttered, "My neck is kind of sensitive."
Colby grinned then, because how could he not take advantage of this new knowledge?
"Colby, bro, they're gonna hear-" Colby heard Sam slap a hand over his own mouth as Colby returned his mouth to Sam's neck with new vigor. He pulled Sam's hair harder to try to get him to stay still because he was squirming hard under Colby's mouth, and he could feel Sam's whole body reacting, feeling his hands clench on Colby's back, his abs contract under the blankets, his feet scrambling for purchase, his cock...
It was like a mental record scratch. Colby froze, having mostly (not really forgotten but not really thought about) boners and what they were and how they happened and what they had done to him...
"Sam stop," Colby gasped breathlessly, unable to make his body move. Sam reacted instantly, glancing up at Colby and immediately stopped moving upon looking at his face.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," He rushed out, "Are you okay? Colby, its me, it's Sam, I'm sorry."
"You're okay," Colby rasped, trying to take in all the sensory cues that told him it was Sam and not anyone else with him at that moment, Sam's smell, the blue of his eyes, the faint beeping of the monitors and the hissing of Sam's breath, the softness and warmth of the blankets.
This was Sam. He was safe.
"How can I help?" Sam whispered, looking afraid to touch Colby now.
"I..." Colby sat back, detaching from Sam, trying to just keep from panicking, words not coming to his lips.
Sam looked away, thinking, a tortured look on his face. Then he looked at Colby again and extended his hand.
Colby looked at it briefly, his heart fluttering a little bit.
I love you...
The feeling washed over him suddenly and unexpectedly, almost stealing his breath in its ferocity. His eyes combed over the planes of Sam's face, the blue of his eyes, the ruffled blond of his hair. Fuck... he had it bad, Just like before. Sam was just so good to him, taking into account what he might need without even having to ask. He looked at Sam's offered hand; such a simple thing, but symbolizing so much more.
So much for being over Sam.
Sam had started to look anxious at the long pause. "Thank you," Colby finally whispered, taking Sam's hand and squeezing it gently.
Sam smiled faintly. "I'm sorry..." He started, but Colby was already shaking his head.
"You're fine," He said, "I just got stuck in my head for a moment."
Sam didn't look totally convinced, but nodded anyway.
That what when he heard a knock at their door. He and Sam turned rapidly towards the noise, Colby's heart warming as he saw the protective stance Sam automatically moved into, even as his chest tightened with learned anxiety.
Fortunately, it was just Jackie, her placating tone almost immediately relaxing them.
"Your parents are here," She informed them. "Are you okay with seeing them?"
Holy shit, their parents were here? In LA? They must have taken a flight as soon as they got the news. Sam almost immediately nodded, with Colby joining in. "Yeah, that's fine." Even if he wasn't entirely sure if he was okay with it, he didn't want to deny their parents a chance to see them after they had been taken.
Jackie exited the room, and Colby turned to Sam. "We need to talk at some point. About..." He gestured between the two of them.
Sam immediately flushed, but nodded. "We do," He agreed. They didn't have time for anything else before the curtain pulled open.
Seeing his parents was jarring, and more stressful that he had thought. Colby's parents had moved over to the bed immediately, quiet, desperate expressions on their faces. For a moment, there was an almost terse pause between the groups. And then Colby's mom stepped out from behind his dad.
Colby couldn't help it. He saw his mom's face and he started crying.
She was the first one to get a hug initiated by him since he had been raped. And that just made him cry harder. He caught a glimpse of Sam's face over her shoulder and saw a look of mild jealousy on his face. Colby sent an apologetic look his way that Sam waved off. Not your fault, he mouthed.
Not for the first time, he wished it was easier to just let Sam hold him.
Thankfully, their parents either didn't want to discuss what had happened or were told not to. Colby didn't want to discuss it. He could tell from the careful way that their parents were acting around him and Sam they knew something had happened. But they way they treated Sam and Colby equally gingerly told Colby they didn't know the details.
He was okay with that. And he knew Sam wouldn't contest it.
Kat came in at some point, settling next to Sam in a chair. Colby didn't watch the reunion kiss, the sick feeling in his stomach intensifying. He just gripped Sam's hand where it held his, letting his shoulder lean a bit into Sam for reassurance.
They still needed to talk about Kat. Sam needed to talk to Kat. What about, Colby wasn't sure, because while they could pass off most of what they had done together as what they had to do. The kissing though... that was different. Colby didn't let himself think about it. It made his chest hurt.
His mom started rambling about her book club, his dad about sports, and though Colby had never particularly cared about either subjects, he appreciated that they weren't trying to pick at what had happened. Just let him be there with no comment to how he gripped Sam's hand like he might float away or sink through the ground if he didn't.
Jackie popped in from time to time to check on them, and reset their IVs. After Colby had almost fallen asleep on Sam for the third time, she gently urged both of them to go back to bed. Sam tried to protest, but he wasn't much off sleep himself. Jackie explained, firmly, that they were both recovering from a traumatic experience and needed more rest, making it clear that she wouldn't make it easy for them to fight her on this.
Colby didn't fight too hard. The twisting in his stomach from watching Sam and Kat was getting painful. And as Jackie helped him walk back to his room (he refused to get back into the wheelchair) he couldn't get the thought out of his head.
It hurt his chest and stomach to watch them. Wishing he could curl up against Sam's body like she could, without that spidery panic wrapping around his lungs. Not that he had any right to be upset about it. And he knew he should be happy for Sam, was happy for Sam. Was glad he had another person who loved him. But he couldn't pretend the last four days hadn't happened. Couldn't pretend that Sam hadn't...
Kissed him.
Fucked him.
Held him against his chest while they cried over the shared trauma.
But then...
Anxiety forced him to consider that maybe that was all it had ever been. A response to trauma. A need for something good in that hellhole. Maybe Sam kissing him today was just bleed over from that mentality. Maybe once they had time to actually reunite with other people and not only have themselves for comfort... things would change.
He remembered Sam agreeing with him quietly when he had brought Kat up last time.
"Yeah... trauma..."
Sam was his best friend. The only one Colby really felt comfortable with right now mentally, even if physically his body didn't want anyone near him. Anyone... male. His mom had been alright. His dad once he had thought himself through it. But he knew his parents. He trusted them.
But he trusted Sam too.
So why was the idea of curling around Sam terrifying and comforting?
Colby wrapped himself up in the lackluster hospital blankets Jackie had gotten for him, pondering as his heart raced. Why had Sam done the things that he had done in that room? The things he didn't have to. Kissed him? Gotten off with him as he ground down on him. Held him in the aftermath.
He could argue it was trauma. Hell, there was a good chance it was just trauma for Sam.
Sam... Sam wasn't gay.
He remembered that much.
Remembered being told that at nineteen, when he was young and drunk and very much in love with his best friend. He thought be had handled it well, in retrospect, even though he was pretty sure it had felt the end of the world at the time.
And he had gotten over Sam. Was completely over him. Was happy for him and Kat.
And then Sam went and kissed him.
He flopped back against his pillow, pressing his hands into his eyes.
He needed to talk to Sam.
OOO
Sam was kissing him again, warmth pressed against his chest, soft lips pressed against his own. Sam was under him, pulling Colby down against his body. Colby could feel the line of Sam's erection pressed against his thigh but it didn't bother him. This was Sam.
He trusted Sam.
Fingers wormed their way under his waistband, momentarily startling Colby. He felt his heart rate pick up, but it was okay because it was Sam, he was safe, he trusted Sam.
The fingers kept going, gripping around his junk, eliciting a started cry from his lips.
No, he was not okay with this. Not okay at all. He needed Sam to stop now please.
"Sam..." He pulled back from the kiss to meet Sam's eyes but was met with dark eyes shrouded by a black hood.
The Hooded Man.
And suddenly Colby was under him, and fingers were jammed into his rectum. Colby shrieked, struggling to escape but his limbs were heavy and wouldn't move, wouldn't obey his frantic thoughts of "pleasepleasepleaseplease stop!" The ripping feeling was excruciating, abating only with the start of a slick Colby knew was blood.
"Colby?"
There was a hand around his throat, and suddenly Colby was on his back, and the rippingtearingviolationplease was bigger, and worse, and Colby couldn't fucking breathe through the chokehold and excruciating pain...
"Colby, hey!"
Stopstopstopstopstopstop
"Colby!"
The voice finally broke through the clutches of the dream. Colby heaved in a massive gasp, his eyes darting around, not knowing where he was, what was going on, what the fuck...
"Colby, hey, you're okay," Elton breathed next to him.
Reality took a moment to set in. "Stop..." Colby whimpered, and he heard Elton suck in a breath.
"Hey man, you're okay. You're okay, it's Elton." He finally was able to register the voice and associate a name and a face with it. He saw moment out of the corner of his eye, eyes jumping to identify the threat but... it was just a person in scrubs, another woman, poking her head in the check on them.
"That's Jenny," Elton said quietly, "She took over for night shift, Jackie went home."
"Nightshift?" Colby asked, eyes flying to the clock. It had been 5 in the afternoon last he checked, when the psych team had finished talking with him... it was almost 11pm now. "Damn," He whispered. "When did..." And then he remembered.
Psych had shown up at his room, had asked him about the last few days, and they had known what had happened, had known he had been raped... He'd had a panic attack, he remembered that now. He'd panicked as his parents tried to talk him out -they had kept touching him and they needed to just stop touching him- Jackie trying to lend emotional support to all of them... "Where did my parents go?" He asked quietly, already knowing the answer.
"To their hotel," Elton informed him. He wasn't meeting Colby's eyes, but it didn't seem to be because he was lying. More like there was more to the story than he was telling Colby.
"They didn't handle it well, did they?" Colby asked quietly, knowing at the pit of stomach that it was true.
Elton shook his head. "Not really..." He answered sadly.
"Fuck..." Colby breathed, feeling unbidden tears swell up into his eyes. "I'm a fucking mess."
He felt it then, the self loathing that had niggled at the back of his mind when he was with Sam. He was such a fucking disaster, why couldn't he just be okay?
"That's not your fault, Colby," Elton said firmly, the no-nonsense tone of his voice cutting off any argument Colby might had made. "I mean... with what you and Sam went through, I don't think anyone's upset with you. I think... It was just a lot for your parents. They wanted to be able to protect you and..." Colby's eyes were briefly drawn to Elton's clenched fist, having to remind himself that Elton wouldn't hurt him either, even as the fist argued otherwise. Elton followed his line of sight and relaxed his hand. "Sorry," He apologized.
"You're fine," Colby squeezed his eyes shut, going to push his fingers through his hair, juddering as he felt the God damned IV pull at his hand again. "I fucking hate this thing," He glowered.
"They'll take it out when you leave tomorrow," Elton promised. Oh yeah, he'd forgotten about that. He and Sam were being discharged tomorrow back... home? That had been a bitter fight. Their parents wanted them to come back to Kansas and recover. He and Sam argued that leaving LA now would be even more detrimental to their recovery. They needed to get back in the game, get back to what they had been doing, figure out how the fuck they were going to explain this to their fans...
And...
Colby didn't want to be separated from Sam. While they lived in separate apartments Sam was never more than few feet away. He needed that to not change. Not when it already felt like his world had shifted on its axis.
Elton was thinking. He knew that face, clear on Elton as he leaned back in his chair. It was Elton's I'm-thinking-about-something-but-you're-not-going-to-like-it face. "Elton, what's up?"
Elton looked like he was debating saying something, but shook his head. "I'm good, bro. Just tired."
"Okay..." Colby didn't believe him, but let it go. He didn't have the mental energy for a fight with Elton right now.
It was quiet for a moment. Colby listened to the beeping he could hear from out in the hall, some raised voices that he couldn't make out. He almost had started to ask about that when Elton spoke. "How are you and Sam doing?"
Colby was a little jarred by the change in subject, floundering for words for a moment. "Uh... I mean... you saw how I'm doing earlier..." He started bitterly, but Elton was already shaking his head.
"No, I mean, not like, you guys but like... your relationship?"
Colby felt his stomach drop. Elton couldn't know, could he? "Uh... he's been..." He didn't know how to answer the question. "I mean, he's been there for me through everything that happened and like... He's my best friend..."
"I know that," Elton said, leaning forward in his chair, slightly closer to Colby. "But like..." He stared at the floor, thinking, as Colby's heart thundered in his chest.
"So..." He started, still not looking at Colby. "You and Sam have always been... close." Colby nodded. "Like, much closer than average... guy friends are... soooo..." Elton looked like he was waiting for Colby to speak but Colby kept his mouth shut, waiting to see where Elton was going with this.
Elton sighed, looking at Colby. "I'm awful at being subtle. I know you had it bad for Sam during the old TFIL days." Colby's eyes went wide and his face flushed red.
"How..."
"You were fucking obvious," Elton rolled his eyes. "Come on, man. Give me some credit. It's a damn miracle that Sam didn't figure it out."
Colby groaned. Elton wasn't wrong. Except...
"He did figure it out though..." Colby said quietly, hearing Elton's intake of breath, "He's not gay, Elton." He paused for a moment, thinking about it, "I don't even know if I'm gay, it's just..." He colored, "It's just Sam." Just Sam, his eyes, always being there for him, with them.
There was that whole confusing thing where they had made out and gotten off together, and then Sam had kissed him earlier today, but... Colby still didn't know what that was about. He shouldn't have let himself kiss Sam when he still didn't know what the fuck they were.
Elton was quiet for a moment, "I'm sorry that didn't work out for you two. But that makes me worry because...". He fidgeted with his hands, staring down at them. "Because of the kind of stuff they made you guys do."
Fuck...
Colby's heart dropped again. "How... how much do you know?"
Elton chewed his lip. "So... do you know..."
"About the website?" His stomach felt like a dozen live worms, all twisting and coiling. "They showed us screenshots."
"Yeah..." Elton's face was dark. "People PM'd all of us screenshots." Of course they had. That statement had been accompanied by another weird twitch in Elton's face, but with the subject matter it was understandable. "I'm just... afraid you're both going to get hurt. And you two really need each other right now," He continued, "Maybe he's not gay, but a lot happened to you two together. It would bring anyone closer, and because I know you had the feelings for him before..."
Colby nodded absently, still pretty mortified that Elton had fucking known all those years...
"If you two want to do... stuff, like cuddle and shit," Elton gestured with his hands, "That's on you. But I don't want either of you going into this with misconceptions about what's actually going on. Trauma can make your brain do weird shit."
His heart sank. More fuel for the trauma-did-it fire.
His face must have shown something, because Elton reached for his shoulder, before pausing and drawing back. "I'm sorry Colby. It'll be okay."
Colby tried to blink away the unwelcome tears in his eyes.
He really fucking hoped so.
OOO
Next door, another conversation was taking place.
"Kat... there's something I should probably tell you..."