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7 months ago
"are you okay?" i asked jisung warily. i mean, my best friend literally just beat him up. it was a weird atmosphere right now.
the principal found out what happened and took mark into his office. i was waiting outside the principals office for him when i saw jisung exit the nurses office. i approached him hesitantly since he looked so upset. the nurse had just bandaged him up.
"um i'm not gonna lie, it hurts a bit but i'll be fine" he winced as he tried to move. i felt so bad for him. why did mark attack him like that?
"what happened between you and him?" i questioned with concerned eyes.
"i don't know, we were just talking and he suddenly got really mad and attacked me." he sighed. my brows furrowed, what did they talk about to make him so mad?
"do you want a ride home? my friend is driving me home because of my injury and he could drop you off too." he offered. wow, my best friend just attacked him and he's offering me a ride home. even in this condition, he's still so kind.
"oh um, no it's fine." i smiled. i needed to talk to mark about what happened.
right after he left, the office doors opened and mark stepped out with his head down and his shoulders slumped.
"two months suspension. this is your last warning until your expelled. i've let you off the hook the past couple of months because you use to be such a good student. don't do it again." the principal firmly warned. the principal met my eyes and quickly looked away, going into his office.
my heart sunk at the fact that he was acting that way to me, probably disappointed at my presentation. he use to see me as such a model student. my mood got even worse.
mark warily looked up to meet my narrowed eyes. i began walking away and he quickly caught up to me. i could tell he knew i was mad. he was trying to form excuses to tell me as he walked along side me. i folded my arms waiting to hear them.
"annie wait! i'm sorry"
"sorry?" i whipped around abruptly and he almost ran into me. "you're sorry to me? did you say that to jisung?" i scolded in disbelief.
"jisung? no i'm not sorry to him!" he began. "you don't know what he did annie, he—"
"you're not sorry?! you attacked him and he could barely defend himself. that's not the mark i know. so many times i've excused your actions because deep down i still knew you were a good person." i ranted on.
"good person? do you still not believe i'm a good person? you haven't even heard my side of the story yet!" he raised his voice. the tension was growing and both sides were growing upset.
"nothing excuses that shit mark." i shook my head. "and your record for bad behavior is only building up as we speak! 2 months suspension? it's like my warnings to you go through one ear, out the other. do you even know how hard it is to care for you when you don't care about yourself? it's like your ruining things for yourself on purpose!" i shouted in anger. my chest rose and fell.
"it's hard for you to care for me? do you even know how many times i've had to brush off the pain you put me through. if i'm really such a burden on you then don't care for me anymore." he bit back and breathed heavily.
we were literally both arguing in the hallways. our argument was the only thing filling the silent hallways. to avoid drawing attention to us, i began walking outside, he followed me.
"is that what you want? me to not care for you anymore?" i spat as we walked outside. tears began filling my eyes as the argument escalated. in my heart i wanted him to say no, i just couldn't help the anger building up.
"no i—" he stumbled on his words like he realized the weight of his words. "i didn't mean it." he sighed heavily.
"you never mean it, do you? you never truly mean your words, you promised me you wouldn't fight anyone ever again. and of all people jisung? you can tussle with any bar dudes you want but my friend, really?"
"that asshole is not your friend." mark immediately heated up at the mention of his name. i raised a brow, what does that even mean?
"you've got some nerve judging my friends, those assholes you hang out aren't your friends either! they convince you to do bad stuff!" i gritted through my teeth. this was probably the most angry i've ever got at mark in my life.
"as fucked as my friends may be, they still would never do what jisung did." he growled out, his tone getting colder at jisung's name. i was going to ask him what he meant by that when a voice interrupted us
"mark!" a voice shouted behind mark. it was his friends. great fucking timing.
he turned around to glare at them and they held they're hands up in defeat. "we just wanna invite you out tonight dude, chill."
"yeah dude why don't you go hang out with them?" i mocked angrily, i really didn't like those dudes.
"annie?" a voice called behind me. i saw marks eyes harden in front of me and he glared harshly at the figure behind me.
i whipped around to see the subject of our argument.
jisung.
"you still need that ride home?" he gestured to the car in front him.
"fuck you! she doesn't need a ride home." mark spat angrily behind me.
i faced mark in disbelief, he truly wasn't apologetic towards jisung. he didn't see anything wrong with what he did. this was a different mark. he would never kick a guy when he's down. but here he is verbally attacking a guy who he just physically attacked.
"you're not that sweet boy i use to know anymore."
"maybe i was never that sweet boy you knew." he challenged.
i didn't like this mark.
i wasn't going to go home with jisung before, but maybe now i will.
"sure." i called out to jisung. i felt a hand grip my hand and halt my step.
"are you serious? this guy isn't as good of a guy as you think he is!" he fumed.
"well that makes both of you." i said just above a whisper, like i was afraid of the weight it would have if i said it louder. i regretted my words right when i said them, the anger didn't subside yet but i felt my heart wince when i saw his expression.
he looked like someone just killed his cat. his narrowed eyes widened and furrowed at what i said. he looked at me like he couldn't believe what i just said.
i was shocked at what i said to. but there was no way to reel my words back in.
pain is what both our faces held. it's what we felt too.
his sorrow expression morphed into a blank one. like he built up a cold front at my words. he squinted his eyes in a glare.
"wait for me." he called out to his friends who began walking away, but he still faced me as he said it. it was like we were challenging each other to see who would walk away first. "i'm coming." he said in a blunt tone, still never tearing his eyes from mine.
i knew what he was doing. he wanted to make me mad because i made him mad. he knew i hated his friends and i knew he hated jisung. it was a petty move on both our parts.
it was a standoff.
who's gonna be the first one to walk away?
my breath became staggered as i registered what was happening.
a beep sound came from the car, signaling that the driver was going to leave soon. "annie, are you coming?" jisungs voice broke me out of my stare down with mark.
"yeah annie, are you leaving?" he taunted. that's when i felt the shift, we talked to each other like we were enemies. he was testing me, seeing if i would really leave first. his words made me want to leave but his eyes were telling me to stay.
"dude we're leaving, come on!" donghyuck yelled out.
mark didn't flinch though. he held my stare. we glared at each other. both of us taunting the other to walk away first, while at the same time yearning for the other to stay.
his eyes flickered to the boy behind me, he cold front faltered as he moved his eyes back to mine. his cold eyes softened just a tiny bit, enough to tell me he really didn't want me to go.
i could run into his arms and we would make up like usual. we would hold each other and argue the next day. that was our routine lately. it would be a continuous cycle, and i didn't want that. i didn't want to argue with him anymore.
i was exhausted from this interaction, and all i wanted was his arms around him and his warmth engulfing me.
run to him, that's what my heart was telling me.
it's gonna be the same, if you go back. you're going to make empty promises to each other, and the cycle of hurting each other will keep going. i didn't want to be hurt and i certainly didn't want to hurt him anymore either. walk away, that's what my head said.
so i did.
i turned my back on him and didn't look back. i couldn't look back, if i did i would run back into his arms. but i won't this time, this was the best for the both of us.
"if you walk away, don't even think about coming back." he tried to say in a strong tone, but his voice started breaking at the end.
i halted. i was making my choice.
then, i kept moving foward. i made my choice.
the truth is our friendship was a weight that was becoming too heavy for both of us. i convinced myself i was doing it for the both of us. that's how i justified walking away from him.
i held in my emotions as jisung held the door open and closed it. i felt numb, nothingness embraced me.
as the car drove off, i felt the promise i made to him breaking. i promised him that there was nothing he could do to lose me.
i guess we both made promises we couldn't keep.
jisung kept trying to talk to me but i couldn't pay attention to his words, there was a buzzing in my ear and everything around me felt blurred. i just stared out the window.
i knew why, everything was different the second i left him. my life would never be the same. he was the main subject of my life for 7 years. and without him i feel empty and lost. it was like a puzzle, or a tower. him, playing the most important part at completing it and keeping it stable. everything felt new.
"dad, i didn't start the fight! he's suspended i'll be fine! no don't please" jisung cried out next to me. he sighed and hung up.
"what's wrong?" i croaked out. i was surprised at my voice cracking. i guess all the yelling was the result.
"my dad thinks it's not safe for me to be here anymore, he's making me transfer to another place for the next term." he sighed.
"oh.." i didn't know what to say. i wanted to comfort him but i didn't have it in me right now. i needed all the energy i had left to make it to my front door. i felt something building up and i didn't know what it was. i didn't want jisung seeing it so i was doing my best and concealing it til after i could get home.
"well i guess this is goodbye?" i tilted my head. i tried to sound sympathetic but i couldn't feel anything right now. i felt stone cold. i cared for him because he was my friend and in any other circumstance i would be more comforting but i had just lost someone who i considered my other half. i lost a part of me.
him transferring doesn't hurt as bad since i just lost what felt like everything to me. i just lost mark.
we made it to my house and i waved goodbye. i made into my room and layed down in bed.
i felt it. i felt what was building up. i started breaking down. my sobs grew loud, so loud that i pressed a hand over my mouth so my parents wouldn't hear me. i couldn't even see through my tears. everything hit me at once. i lost him. i knew walking away from him meant i was choosing to walk away from our friendship.
i was completely and utterly empty without him. there's a hole that mark use to fill, and it hurts so fucking bad.
everything had changed and we would never be the same.
the next few days involved me breaking down at anything that reminded me of him, which consisted of a lot of things. his gifts, things he left at my house, our memories and pictures all pained me.
i went to bed bawling my eyes out that night, and the night after and the night after that. i couldn't keep count anymore. it hurt and this was my way of letting it out.
our friendship was no longer, and i was grieving.
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