T/W: Pills/Drugs
The day never seemed to end.
Ayedah's heart continuously raced in her chest as it went by, and though the hours snailed by, before she knew it it was time she returned home. The whole twelve hours she spent on set seemed to go by slowly, yet in a blur as she worked- and it was unclear to her if she was actually focused on her tasks or not. Her heart was ridden with guilt from losing her temper with Burak- her new friend who had told her just the previous day that he cared about her and was not going to judge her- and the look on his face never left her mind. She had tried to avoid him the entire day, but of course, that was impossible; not one second of the day went by without her thinking about him.
And only him.
If that was not enough, many of the scenes she was overlooking the shooting of for Episodes 3 and 4 of Season 2 were scenes with Goktug, so she had to supervise him as she worked. But she never made eye contact, and kept her eyes on her notes unless she were working on filming scenes with other actors. She noticed out of the bare corner of her eye- and if she didn't physically see it, she could definitely feel it- that Burak had tried to catch her gaze, and often glanced at her. But by the time he had finished his last scene for the day along with Yigit, he had given up on trying to catch her attention, which Ayedah had mixed feelings about. The anger in her did not want his attention, and forbade her from letting him have hers. Yet the calmer side, the smaller yet forgiving part of her that was muffled out by the heart-clenching barks of her angrier side, wanted him to look at her, and coated her heart in guilt for the way she had treated him. That part of her wanted to speak to him, perhaps say something and clear the air between them immediately.
But alas, as it always did, her anger won over. She did not try to speak to him, look at him, or clear the air. But still, he did not leave her mind, and even at the end of the day, the regretful and rejected look on his face continued to haunt her head.
It was 4:30 PM, and Ayedah had finally- with some difficulty, especially as she had misplaced the pen she usually used and had to write with a different one- finished the work she was assigned to do for the day. She gathered up all her papers after writing up a few shooting plans for coming episodes, spending some time editing the characters' scripts and sending off an email to Mehmet Bozdag, informing him of the day's work and how the cast did. She refrained, of course, from mentioning what happened between her and Burak.
"Well, perhaps this is best," she murmured to herself thoughtfully as she sent off the email. "We'll just be colleagues. Professional acquaintances. It wouldn't interfere with our work, just as it may if we were friends. I'm glad this all happened early on, before it would be more difficult to let go." She tried to convince herself by saying it out loud, but almost groaned when her stubborn heart refused to accept what the rational part of her mind tried to state. Ayedah was very glad none of the other writers were present that day- for she knew that if they were, she would have made a massive fool of herself.
As she packed up her notes in their files as well as her laptop into her bag, and put on her coat there was a knock at the door. She expected it to be Ozge, calling her to hurry up so they would get home and eat, so she quickly zipped up her coat and slung her bag over her shoulder before opening the door. To her surprise and horror, it was Burak standing in front of her, and he who knocked at the door- Burak Celik, not Burak Ozcivit(though at that point in time, Ayedah would probably have preferred Ozcivit in her presence instead of Celik). She swallowed slightly, and Burak held out a pen, not meeting her eyes as his were fixed firmly on the ground. "You dropped this just now when you fell," he said quietly, and Ayedah took it from him. So that's where it was, she thought. It must have fallen out of my pocket when I tripped in the mud and fell, and when he caught me... She looked at him for a while, and for a brief moment he met her eyes- and in that brief moment, she once again saw the rejection in his eyes. The two immediately broke their gazes, and Ayedah pushed past him silently without another word, stuffing her pen into her pocket.
She hurried across the set, and nearly collided into Emel. "Sorry, Ayedah," said Emel embarrassedly, blushing pink when Ayedah did the same for her. She was only partly out of her costume, still wearing the light orange dress Gonca had under her coat. "I need to go to the bathroom." "Oh," said Ayedah, suppressing the slight prick of humor she felt when she saw Emel's desperation to get to the restroom. "Um- do you know where Ozge is?" "Both of you are going back with Emre, I have to stay a little longer," said Emel. "Oh thanks," said Ayedah, and Emel gave her a smile before running for her life. Or for her bladder, thought Ayedah, chuckling quietly- though she couldn't really find it as funny as she normally would.
She walked over to the car park, where Ozge was talking to Emre beside his car. She was already out of her costume and dressed casually, in a simple turtle-neck and khaki trousers. "There you are," she said. Emre smiled at her, and Ayedah nodded back. "Come on now, let's go," he said. "I've got to get back too." "Thanks for taking us, Emre," said Ayedah, before they all got into his car. "Burak was supposed to come along too, but he said last minute that he'd go riding on the beach today and return with Yigit," remarked Emre as he started the car, and began to drive down the road. "Which Burak?" Ayedah asked uncomfortably- for she already knew the answer. "Burak Celik of course," chuckled Emre. "Ozcivit doesn't usually go riding on the beach, and he usually immediately returns home after filming to be with his family." "I see," said Ayedah, and Ozge eyed her from the front passenger seat as Ayedah shifted uncomfortably in her own, going silent.
She knew that Burak had decided to stay longer because he did not wish to see her. The realization made a part of her sting her insides with guilt, no matter how hard she tried to ignore it. Ozge noticed her friend's expression after looking back at her a few times whilst still in conversation with Emre; as they drove into the city, she asked, "Are you alright, Ayedah?" "I'm fine," Ayedah said, though her voice cracked midway and she faked a cough. "Bless," said Emre, chuckling, evidently oblivious to the tension between the two friends.
Ozge sighed. "Emre, can you drop us off here?" she suddenly asked, though they were still a while away from her house. "Here?" he asked, looking confused. "I thought-" "Change of plans," said Ozge. "It'll be easier for you to get back to your place if you drop us off here anyways." Ayedah stared at Ozge, wondering what she had in mind, even if she did have a vague idea. "Alright, Ozge," said Emre with a smile, and pulled over in front of a small western restaurant. "Thank you," said Ozge, returning his smile. "Selam Aleykum." "Selam Aleykum," said Ayedah to Emre too, earning a "Ve Aleykum Selam" back before she got out of the car. Emre drove off down the road in the direction of his house, which was about ten minutes from where he had dropped them off, and Ozge took Ayedah's hand.
"Come on," she said, and dragged her into the restaurant they had got off in front of, where they took their temperatures as per Health and Safety Procedures. Ayedah immediately knew what was coming, so she braced herself as Ozge scanned the little restaurant for a good table. "Here," she said, and sat down with her friend.
"Alright, Ayedah. Spill."
"Spill what?" asked Ayedah, trying to look innocently oblivious to whatever Ozge was talking about. Her friend raised an eyebrow. "I heard about what happened with Burak," she said softly, and Ayedah could no longer hide her feelings as a surge of anger sent tidal waves through her veins, hot blood searing through them. "He told you?" she spat, taking Ozge aback by her tone, which she herself was not conscious of, as she scoffed. "Let me guess, he told everyone else too, eh?" Ozge sighed, and gripped Ayedah's hand. "Ayedah, no, not at all," she said. "Then how do you know?" demanded Ayedah. "No offense, but I did not exactly want people to know." "None taken," said Ozge with a sad chuckle. "But anyways, it was Cagri who saw what had happened with his own eyes, and he had told me about it. He had told Burak that he had seen it too, but Burak told him to keep it quiet."
Ayedah's anger abated slightly as guilt and regret fought against it, but her head was still rather heated. "That was...decent of him," she said roughly, and Ozge could not hold herself back any longer, and gripped her friend's hand tighter. "Ayedah, did you not listen to me yesterday?" she demanded. "I told you not to be angry with him." "Well, I'm sorry, but I just-" "Couldn't control it?" Ozge sighed again; "Look, Ayedah. This is not the first time this happened," she said. "I know for a fact that similar things happened when we were still in our teens, and still in school." Ayedah was silent, and made no response. Ozge continued.
"I know that it's difficult for you to be with others, believe me, I know," said Ozge. "And I don't blame you. Maybe I don't know everything, but I do have some idea that you have experienced things that have scarred you for life, and makes it difficult for you to be open with people- even if you do keep yourself a friendly person on the outside, whilst building barriers against people on the inside." "People have done bad things," Ayedah whispered finally, replying to Ozge. "Things that hurt. Neither you nor Aunty Gab were there in person, you wouldn't have known. But that was better, I suppose- I learned from my mistakes too. My family...people I tried to trust as my friends...I've made them part of my past, merely bad memories that I do so desperately want to forget, even though I can't." "But don't make Burak part of that past, Ayedah," said Ozge. "I don't know all that your family did, even if I did know that you have had some issues with society."
Ozge was referring to the few people Ayedah had tried to be open with when she was studying for the international exams behind her parents' back with her tutor. Knowing that she would not make it in school, especially with the teachers lowering her grades out of spite, she took the initiative to register for international exams and study hard for them away from her family's eyes. Her tutor had taken pity on her, and had tutored her for free as well as paid for her registration- but her classes were not one-to-one, there were a few other students that Ayedah studied with in each class; some of which she had actually been able to make friends with, even if it had not ended well. Some of them had spoken sourly about her behind her back, some of them had said insensitive things that hurt her, some of them were not patient enough with her even if she was letting her guard down.
Ayedah would admit that she was happy for a while with the friends she had, but as soon as bad things happened, she bailed again and retreated back into herself. She looked at the relationships she had built with these people as mistakes, and swore to never try and get close with anyone else again- even though she also promised herself to be friendly and polite on the outside. But Ayedah was to never let her guard down, never open up. Though there were a great many things unbeknownst to them, Ozge and Aunty Gab were the only people alive who had never made her feel judged for how she was, and she decided to just stick with them. For her, she did not need anyone else.
Did not want anyone else.
Yet Ayedah had forgotten about all that, the previous morning when she had gone out with Burak Celik, and she had let her guard down with him, for the first time in years. Of course, something bad had come out of it, and Ayedah nearly immediately regretted it- and the automatic defensive action was to make sure she would never do so again.
"I should not have let my guard down with him, Ozge," said Ayedah quietly. "Or else none of this would have happened. Besides, he's better off without me in his close circle, even if I am still to be in his life." "No one, and I repeat, no one has ever been better off without you, Ayedah," said Ozge. "If they had you in their lives, and lived to see you leave them, then it is their loss. You would have been a blessing in their lives, like you are in my life." Ayedah smiled at her friend's words, touched, but Ozge was not finished. "Perhaps people have wronged you in the past," said Ozge. "But you should know, friends do not leave each other over a wrong. They would correct each other, apologize, right their wrongs and move on together." Ayedah went silent at her words, and looked down. "I mean, we've fought and had arguments before, have we not?" asked Ozge.
"You never did anything bad," protested Ayedah, making Ozge laugh hollowly. "Ayedah, you're too forgiving," she joked, making her friend laugh along with her. "But of course I have wronged you before. Perhaps you've looked over it by now, but I have. And well, you've wronged me too, and I forgave that too. We both continued to move on with our lives, together, as what friends do. Friends fight, friends wrong each other, but true friends will forgive each other and will get closer as they continue their journey through life." Ayedah smiled, slightly sad, but let her friend continue.
"And well, technically Burak has not wronged you," said Ozge. "I don't believe a single bit that he had ever meant harm against you, and what happened on Instagram was not his fault." Ayedah sighed. "Now that I really think about it, you're right," she said softly, making Ozge sigh herself, relieved. "I judged him too harshly...and he has never made me feel judged." As the words left her lips, her eyes widened in the realization of it all-
Burak had never made her feel judged.
He truly did never do her any harm, or wrong her. Ayedah groaned. "Oh what have I done," she said unhappily, putting her face in her hands. "God, if anyone was wrong- it was me. I judged him." If only I wasn't so angry... "Well, you can fix it," said Ozge. "You just need to apologize to him. Talk to him, and well...
Right your wrong."
Ayedah peeked at Ozge through her fingers. "How?" she asked. "Call him," said Ozge. "If you don't have his number, I'll give it to you-" "No," said Ayedah firmly, and Ozge's eyebrows shot up so high they nearly disappeared into her hair. "No-?"
"No," said Ayedah. She put on a rather brave grimace. "I have to do it in person." Ozge was silent for a while, before smiling. "Well, that is definitely how it should be done," she said. "Smart choice, Ayedah. I'll help you out." "I don't need it- well, actually I do," admitted Ayedah. "Yes, please do help me in figuring out what to say." Ozge grinned at her. "Of course I will," she said, and Ayedah chuckled, her heart racing as she did so. Ozge joined in her laughter, before she suddenly went silent. "What is it?" Ayedah asked, noticing her silence with concern. "I'm hungry," admitted Ozge. "So can we eat before we, er, work out what you're going to say to Burak?" Ayedah stared at her for a while, before they once again burst into laughter, causing other people to look around at them in amusement before Ozge called over a waiter to ask for a menu.
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Ayedah and Ozge had discussed what she was to say to Burak after they had their dinner, and Ayedah returned home to her house. She had taken to writing one of her stories, and closed her computer after about two hours of typing. Stormy jumped up onto the desk next to her laptop, and Ayedah gave him a smile. "Want to sleep, do you?" she asked, and looked at the clock. It was almost 11PM. "Oh damn," she cursed, and quickly put in the charger for her laptop before getting into bed with her cat. "Should've gone earlier," she chuckled as she tucked herself into the covers, knowing full well that she had stayed up writing because she was unable to sleep earlier due to the anxiety deep inside that she had for the next day. She shut her eyes and attempted to let herself drift off into slumber as Stormy snoozed on the pillow next to her head.
Ayedah tossed and turned for a good hour or two, but was useless; she didn't even bother looking at the time when she gave up, and opened her eyes to be met with the darkness of her room. The only light that came into the room was the light of the city from between the curtains. Her eyes fell upon it for a while, trying to keep her eyes open and focused on the light to tire them out. But alas, it did not work. Her body would just not sleep, as her anxiety for the coming of the next day continued to have her mind in a whirlwind.
For years, especially since she was in high school, Ayedah would have difficulty sleeping due to anxiety. Of course, in psychiatric words and diagnosis, it would be called anxiety, but to Ayedah it was a deep, wrenching and painful fear of being alive- of continuing to live the next day, afraid of what was to come. When she was in her later teens, Ayedah experienced continuous and unstoppable sleepless nights that would exhaust her and drain her of her energy and physical health, for at night especially was when she was wracked with worry for what was to come the next day- especially if she had experienced a conflict the day before, which was definitely what kept Ayedah up that night. The replaying memories of her fight with Burak and the loss of her temper had prevented her from being able to sleep, just as fighting with her mother, or her teachers, enduring torment from her schoolmates, bad grades and countless other things would keep her up at night in the past.
Ayedah sighed- she knew what the only solution to it was. She took herself out of the warmth of her covers and made her way through the darkness to her bathroom, Stormy stirring slightly as she did so. She switched on the light, blinding her eyes that had stared into darkness for too long. She opened the mirror cupboard, and looked through the medicine. Normally when looking through her medicines she would look for headache pills or her mood stabilizers, but she had already taken them. After a little bit of rummaging, she finally found what she was looking for; Temazepam.
Sleeping pills.
Ayedah took one out from the little metallic packet it was kept in along with around nine others, filled up a glass of water and swallowed it whole. She had been prescribed the pills before she began to take the antidepressants and lithium, as her parents had initially not allowed her to take mood stabilizers- for they were determined at first to not accept the fact that her mental health needed medical support. But- not without difficulty- they had allowed the sleeping pills, for they did know that she had trouble sleeping, and Ayedah eventually grew dependent on them to sleep. She had started off with Chloramine at first, but eventually had to turn to a stronger medicine as it no longer had an effect on her with the rise in her anxiety as time went by. Of course, there were times where she did try to go off them to practice sleeping on her own, though that only ended up working when she had left her family and her school behind and began to study and live at Oxford. There, she did not have any extra anxiety, especially with the absence of her mother and the torment of her high school, so she slowly began to sink back into a proper sleeping schedule without the pills.
There had been times in the past, just like that very night in Istanbul when Ayedah had to turn back to her sleeping pills, but would only need them for about one or two weeks. And that night, Ayedah was not exceedingly worried about her dependency on the pills, as she was determined to fix things with Burak the next day- she was not super-hopeful, but from what she saw and understood of Burak she knew that he would not be the type to yell back at her. She left the bathroom and got back into bed, letting her eyes rest on Stormy's dark, sleeping figure that purred through the black of the room.
"I hope everything goes well tomorrow," she murmured to her sleeping cat after a while, as the medicine finally began to take effect. She closed her eyes, and let her hand rest in Stormy's long, fluffy fur.
"I hope he forgives me."
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A/N: Well well well- looks like our feisty little Miss sees sense after all
And just a little hint into my life hehe- I'm also on sleeping pills due to my anxiety caused by school and my parents. I try not to be so dependent on them, as they do have their quiet yet real share of side-effects. But yeah, anyway, just a fun fact uwu
So...do y'all think Burak will forgive her?
We'll see soon, I want to update again soon cuz yes, erh, I'm still writing a lot due to stress hehe but that benefits all of us I suppose.
Love you guys,
Ayesha <3