In the serenity of the guestroom of Hange's house, which is currently empty thanks to Hange and Moblit staying back with the Jaegers, I collapse on the bed with closed eyes and let my mind sort itself out. And all I can think is –
What the hell am I doing?
I left this place with a resolve to never get myself involved with Eren ever again. I was determined to keep things that way. That's why I refused to give him my contact info when he asked for it. I wanted this to be a teenage memory for him that he'll forget about soon. No reason for him to hang on to a useless crush on an old fuck like me, and no need for me to fuel those thoughts and ruin the future of a bright young man like him just so I can entertain my illicit desire. The best way is to let go, for both of us. But I overestimated my self-control. What I miscalculated was how deep I had rooted myself in these emotions. I didn't account for my own reaction if he ever did manage to contact, and that's where it all went south.
Because I am in too deep, deeper than my pride would ever allow me to acknowledge.
My thoughts get cut off with a loud knock on the door, loud enough to make it obvious who the person on the other side is. Of course, I decide to ignore.
Not a minute later, they knock again. "Levi!" Well, there you go. "I know you're in there!"
I sigh. The insistent knocking will continue until I get my sorry ass up from the bed and open that damn door.
Stupid fucking four eyes with their stupid fucking endless supply of energy.
"What?!" I bark out at their face after opening the door slightly. Enough for us to talk, but not enough for Hange to barge in. My head is going crazy already. I don't need external stimulation for that right now.
"Eren's here."
I thought they'd try to force the door open, or try to stick their head in – trust me, that's a very Hange thing to do – but they don't. Rather, they just take a look at me, sigh and say something I can't quite comprehend.
"Huh?!" I'm sure I look exactly as dumbfounded as I feel, maybe more so.
"Eren's here."
Don't just fucking repeat what you said, you shitty glasses! And what's up with that tone?! Sounding so indifferent like you're not trying to play the matchmaker here!
I wish I could say all these to their face. I almost did. But I'm not so out of my mind as to not register the words they've just told me – "Eren's here" – so yeah, I keep my mouth shut.
"He wants to see you", Hange says when I don't reply for a while.
"..." with my mind reeling with questions, I pull the door wide open and the figure previously hidden comes into view. There, standing beside Hange in all his awkwardness, with eyes cast down and hands twitching nervously every now and then, wearing the formal attire I saw him in minus the jacket and shoes, is Eren Jaeger.
He shifts his weight from one foot to another when he feels my eyes on him, still not looking up. And he just looks so... vulnerable!
Something inside me – maybe my intuition – warns me not to get close, tells me it's best to send him away. But there's another part of me – the dark and filthy and irrational part – that just wants to pull him close and tuck him away from the rest of the world. To rid him of all his sorrows, all his insecurities and shower him with tenderness. To protect him, to cherish him, to lov–
I shake my head and block my thoughts before the sentence can be finished. I am not supposed to think that. I am not allowed to think that!
I don't know if it's because he senses my dilemma or simply because I've been taking too fucking long to give an answer, but those teal eyes finally look up and meet my silver ones.
"Levi", his voice is low, but I still hear the softness with which he utters my name. And if I wasn't such a stuck up and proud asshole, I'd admit the flutter in my heart when I hear it.
"Can I come in?" he finishes in the same tone.
After that, there really is no option left for me. How can there be, when he's looking at me like that? Those hopeful eyes glistening with unshed tears, as if waiting to spill out the moment I reject him. Who am I to do that?!
So I stand aside, motion him to come in, and once he's inside, shut the door at four eyes' face with a loud thud.
Awkward.
Utterly and devastatingly awkward.
This is one of those rare moments when I wish I was better at small talk – I think while slowly pacing towards my bed. Behind me, Eren stands still by the door, probably even more nervous and flustered with the whole situation, now that the initial excitement is cooling down.
I sigh. This is clearly not my forte.
"Eren", I call his name once I'm settled on the bed, leaning against the headboard. He jolts up.
What the hell. Am I really that scary?
"L-Levi..." his voice trembles. Why does he look like a child waiting to be scolded?
I motion him to come closer with my fingers, and he cautiously takes a step forward. I roll my eyes. "What are you hesitating for? Hurry up and come over!"
At that, he quickens his pace, but trips over his own feet at his haste to cross the distance between the door and the bed. I curse myself inwardly for the rashness of my tone while reaching out to hold him before he plants himself face down on the bed. He wraps his arms around me by instinct to prevent the fall, and suddenly we're too close.
His hands on my shoulders, his face inches away from mine – it's as if I'm hyperaware of all the sensations. I watch with fascination as he slowly opens his eyes, eyes that he'd closed unconsciously when he tripped. And suddenly, I'm lost in a world of green. I never would have believed a pair of eyes can hold so many different shades of the same color. It's like a slow transition of sea green to teal, then to turquoise, with tiny specks of gold making them sparkle.
Shades of green. Power of monochrome.
"Green promises a new beginning."
A new beginning...
The words resonate in my head, sending a shiver all over me. Is this...? No, no! I snatch my hands away, creating distance between him and myself. I need space to breathe, and to clear my head.
Snap out of it Levi! This is NOT what she meant when she said those words.
"Sorry..." I'm so lost in my thoughts that Eren's voice startles me. He looks distraught at my reaction. "If I'm– If I'm bothering you..." he hesitates, eyes darting towards me, then shying away as soon as they fall on mine. "I can leave."
Like hell I'm gonna let him leave when he's looking like that!
So I do the only thing I shouldn't, the only thing I've been dying to do ever since I heard his voice over the phone last night.
I pull him closer.
It's as if he'd been waiting for this moment. Because as soon as I tug at his hand, he hops onto the bed and straddles my lap, hands wrapping around my middle and face pressing against the junction between my neck and shoulder. And suddenly, I am trapped between Eren and the headboard, too stunned to do anything.
My first instinct is to push him away. I'm not used to close physical contact. The only person I let come close to me is my daughter. But when I grab both his shoulders, ready to push back, I realize how violently he's shaking. Here, right before me, is a boy suffering from the pain of losing a family, trembling with fear and anguish, seeking solace in me.
Right at that moment, all my thoughts of personal discomfort evaporate, replaced with a desire to comfort, to shelter, to protect.
I wrap my arms around him, pulling him flush against my chest, and he exhales in relief. Tch. Stupid brat. One of my hands stays wrapped around him while the other moves up to his head, fingers running through the soft brown locks. He nuzzles closer as the trembling slowly subsides. And yes, I admit my heart skips a beat at that, before speeding up rapidly. I look at him from the corner of my eye, anxious that he might be feeling it – how fast my heart is rushing. But he just looks exhausted and pained.
And tired.
"You okay?" I ask softly.
His face remains hidden, but I still feel the slight downturn of his lips, and the quiet sigh he lets out.
"Sorry", I mutter apologetically. "That was a stupid question."
He shakes his head. "Mm bffr."
"Huh?"
He raises his head slightly so his mouth isn't smothered by my skin. "I'm better", he says quietly. "Thanks... for..."
"For?"
"For this", he sighs. He's been sighing quite a lot lately. "It's nice."
I lower my head and place a kiss just above his ear. "Yeah."
It's nice.
And that's what's most frightening.