Chapter 15
One of the many things you learn when you shut off your emotions and feelings, and tend to ignore them is that you simply don't care. You are too dark to care. You feel as though everything that ever made you feel weak and hopeless is now gone, or not necessarily gone, just ignored, and put away from your perimeter of thoughts and priorities. I'd lie if I say it wasn't peaceful, it makes you have no care, carefree.
"I am gonna miss you" said Lou, for the umpteenth time since I stepped foot in the airport, where she is going to board her plane and leave to Malaysia forever. It is official, my best friend is leaving and moving half-way across the globe for good.
As of right now, I am pushing my feelings to the side. The furthest I have felt ever since yesterday is the physical pain I feel because I have been standing for too long. I cried too much for the fact that she is leaving, and I have suffered so much mental pain and grief that I think it don't have any left. I am not going to use my emotions again, using them will not make her stay. It will only make her feel bad, as if she doesn't feel bad enough, and I cannot hurt her, not mentally nor emotionally. I will do my best to protect the people I care about and love, Lou included.
"I'll miss you too." I said, putting as much emotion as I could into my words, but I think I failed because I sounded like a dead zombie with no heart telling someone that they love them, when really they feel nothing. I felt like a liar, but you know what else I felt.
I felt like I don't even care.
She looked at me weirdly, then she looked around as if seeing if anyone was around us or at ear sight. No one was. Her little sister, Mia was busy playing with her teady bear, with a slight frown on her face. Her parents were both on the phone, either saying goodbye to someone or taking flight precautions.
She then looked at me, with concern in her eyes, "are you okay?" She asked.
"Why are you asking?" I sighed, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
She looked taken back by my action, as she rose her eyebrow, "it's just," she looked around then sighed, "you look a little off lately. Ever since I called you last night you seemed- off." I didn't want to ask her how I looked off, because Well, that would lead to her saying how I look like an emotionless brick of wall and me having to come up with a lie to tell her, and all of this seemed to take a lot of effort in my head, and I had no patience or care to having this conversation. Not now, not ever.
"I am fine, Lou. You're just a little paranoid because you're leaving." I sighed, once again for the umpteenth time.
"I am paranoid?" She asked with a hint of hurt in her eyes. "What do you mean I am paranoid?" She asked, copying my gesture of crossing her arms.
I rolled my eyes, "that's not what I meant and you know it."
"Then what do you mean?" She fired back
"I don't want to talk about it." I snapped. She seemed so taken back this time that she actually took a step back. I sighed, "I am sorry. I don't want to talk about me right now, okay? You're leaving and I don't want you to worry about me. I am just having a hard time at home."
She sighed, "fine." Then she looked away as if clearing her head. I rose my eyebrows at her actions. She looked at me."I am sorry too. I shouldn't have pushed off the subject." Then she held eye contact with me for a moment. "That doesn't change the fact that y-" she was cut of by the sound filling the entire airport.
"last call for passengers boarding flight 230 heading to Malaysia." The sound rung through the air.
Lou then looked at me, "well that's our last call." She frowned. "I'll miss you so much." She said as she pulled me into a bone crushing hug, which I gladly returned.
"I'll miss you so much too Lou." And in this moment, I was being honest. I will miss her, my best friend. I'll miss her so much, that ignoring my feelings and emotions will be the only thing to make me not want to cry an ocean and grief. I might not have remembered much of our time spent together, but I didn't forget how she made me feel.
"Clark, no matter what happens. I want you to know that I really do love you." She whispered in my ear as we were hugging. She pulled away.
I frowned, "what do you mean? Lou we'll stay friends. I promise. You don't have to-" I started rambling, thinking that I will forget her, my best friend, my sister. I will never forget Lou, nor will I ever wish I never knew her. Yes, I'll miss her, but I will always be her friend, and I. Wanted her to know just that. That not because We are thousands of miles away from each other means I will ever forget her.
"That's not what I meant." She cut me off, "I just want you to know that you really are my best friend, Clark. okay? And that I wouldn't deny or forget that for the world." She was serious, her tone. I frowned slightly, then I nodded quickly.
"Of course I know." I smiled. "I'll see you soon." I said. She looked at me, after she picked up her bag from the floor.
She smiled, "sooner than you think."
"Come on, honey. We are leaving." Her mum called on her. Then the rest of the family came over to me and said their goodbyes to me, and then they headed to the gate, gave the lady on the gate their plane tickets and passports. They passed the gates, and Lou looked at me, giving me one last smile, that I reluctantly returned. They started walking until they were only a single blotch of memory in my head. She officially left.
I sighed. Nothing.
I turned around, thinking of how I am going to get home from the airport, and just as if on cue my phone buzzed from its place in my pocket. I took it out and slid my finger across the screen to open my iPhone. I had a text from Scott. I wrinkled my eyebrows as I opened the text.
From: Scott.
outside airport waiting 4 u. hurry.
I rolled my eyes at his lazy excuse of a text. Typical. I slid my phone back into my pocket and headed to the gates that lead outside of the airport. As soon as i exited the airport i was met with a gush of wind because of the unneeded air conditioners right above the entrance that felt meaningless to me and everyone else basically. I always felt that they put these up their so people leaving and entering the place would feel like models doing so. It was simply stupid, just as my excuse was.
I looked around for the familiar car of my brother. After a couple of minutes of turning around my own tail, looking like a stupid person, I spotted Scott leaning on the hood of the car, with his nose buried in his phone. I sped walked over to him, and as soon as I was next it him, I smacked him on his shoulder. He jumped up, and dropped his phone on the ground, letting out a couple of profanities as he looked around frantically and picked his phone up.
"What the hell was that for?" He exclaimed his question, "I almost broke my phone." He reasoned with me.
I rose my eyebrows, "if it would stop you from texting like a 'cool person wannabe', I wouldn't mind if it did." I walked around the car and opened the door to the passengers seat and slid into the car, waiting for my brother to get inside so we could head home. "I am getting older." I told him from the rolled down window on his side of the car, rolling my eyes.
He opened the door, and got inside, sighing as he did so. "Hello to you too." He mocked, as he started the car and headed out of the parking lot. He the. Eyed me for a second before looking on the road again. When we were out of the parking area and on the road he eyed me again carefully. I rolled my eyes at his stupid, sneaky action. I sighed loudly so he could catch on the fact that I could see him. "Fine, I'll ask. Are you okay? You know- with Lou leaving and stuff." He asked.
I huffed, "yes, I am okay. You know I don't have to cry my eyes out every time something happens." I never understood why my brothers suddenly thought that by every obstacle I face, or any person that leaves me I will cry. I know I have cried numerous times before, but I have been through so much since the accident that holding it in has become difficult.
I also think that this week I have cried so much that it there is nothing left inside, none. No more emotions to drill out of my body. I chose to ignore them because I want to be stronger, because I want to get over my fears and everything that gives me weakness, kindness and distractions, because kindness is taken for weakness, and whoever is watching me, or looking out for me needs to know that I am not weak. They need to fear me. They need to stay away from me.
"Yeah, I get it. It's just- your best friend just moved to Malaysia. I think I would've been sad if I were you." He explained, keeping his eyes on the road risking me a glance. "Like do you want to talk about it?"
"Well I am fine, and no, I don't want to talk about it." I answered him. I looked in front of me. "Just keep your eyes on the road.". I heard him sigh sadly from next to me. What is with people and sighing today? The rest of the way home, we both stayed silent. The only thing breaking the silence is the sound of the radio humming out a calm song after song.
Once we reached the outer gate Scott ringed on the the buzz and answered our security gate guard Johnny. Scott told him it was us and he opened the gate allowing us in easily. As soon as the car stopped in the garage I opened the door and climbed out, leaving Scott with a dropped down jaw, apparently he wanted to say something . I walked to our front driveway and I saw a different car in view. It was a black Audi that I have never seen before, but it impressed me. A Good type of car. Scott was trailing behind me and he jogged his last couple of steps to catch up to me as I was about to open the door to our house.
As soon as I entered the house, I heard loud noises of people talking. Let me rephrase that, of my parents, brother and someone I don't know talking. I entered our luxurious living room to find both my parents sitting on the couches along with my brother, Caleb. When they spotted me and Scott walking in they stopped talking, or arguing with each other and looked at me as Caleb let out a small yet noticeable sigh. Again with the sighing.
"What? Now you're quiet?" I scoffed. Just as I turned around and started heading to the stairs my dad called on me. I turned around again and I saw that Scott has now joined them on the couch.
"Come on. Sit down. We need to talk to you about something." My father further explained.
I frowned in disgust at the topic I am suspecting they would discuss, "if you want to talk about yesterday I don't. Just don't-Not now at least."
"We won't. Just sit down." My mother demanded from next to dad. I clenched my jaw as I took a few steps into the room and stood in front of them, not wanting to sit down giving them the impression that everything between us will not be just dandy, and also eager to leave the room and go to my own. After a couple of seconds and them realizing that I am not sitting down they finally began to speak.
"Fine. Don't sit down." My dad shrugged out of patience. Then he looked at mum as of to get approval to start talking. I rose my eyebrows as they did so. "We realized that lately you have been going out and getting yourself in trouble without noticing it yo-"
"Just because I was taken to a police station as witness once means that I am getting my self into trouble and lately". I put air quotes around 'lately'. "It was only once not ninety-nine times." I said blankly.
"Just hear us out. Okay?" My mum interrupted. "We just think that ever since the accident you haven't been finding your way around. That you are still unsure of what you are doing." She paused and looked around then looking back at me. "And that you have been putting yourself in trouble, leaving for hours without us knowing where you are when your phone dies. You also have been hanging out with people we never met."
"It was only one person." I said frowning at the topic of him coming back again to my head. I am trying so hard to distract myself from this topic. I don't want it to come back again. It was the reason I became weak, and it is the reason why I chose to ignore my emotions, because I didn't want to think about it, and it was the reason I became stronger emotionally. I didn't want to cry and grieve about not being able to see him or his eyes or his smile again. I could only take to much before I broke, and I already did. I don't want to break again, that's why I chose to ignore all these feelings, and slip into abyss.
"Whoever it was. This isn't the main topic." She shrugged off my comment. "We just feel that you have been lost and confused. That you keep disappearing we just don't know when or how you're going to come back home. Lou's brother had to call us to tell us that you were in a police station. You've been hiding things from us."
"Ever since the accident we've been worried about you when you leave the house, always worried that you might not come back home." My father continued. I rolled my eyes at their long unneeded speech that I am hearing right now. It sounded like a load of crap to me that I have no time for.
"As if you really cared." I emotionlessly argued.
"Of course we do, Clark." My mum said sounding hurt, "it might not seem like it, but we care about you more than anything."
"What's your point?" I asked out of patience. "Are you going to put me on house arrest?" I said rhetorically.
"No, if course not. we wouldn't do that." My mother said.
"Than what am I doing here?" I asked them. "Come on guys, I am not really up for this right now." I said. I just really wanted to go upstairs to my room, change into a pair of sweats, and if any where I would go that would be just going to sit in a café or a calm place where people aren't bottled up in it and talking full on their sound pipe. I also didn't want to stay home with my parents, as I am not up for another tantrum or arguments anymore. I would just rather go upstairs to my room, change into comfortable clothes, and eat alone from our kitchen food.
"This." My dad stood up and pointed at something behind me in the corner of the room, or well someone. I turned around to find a huge man in his early 30s or late 20s, dressed in a black suit, both his hands in front of him in a professional manner. He had dirty blonde hair, and a small beard covered the circle around his mouth. "This Is Oliver Hank. He will be your personal escort for a while, maybe a long while." My dad explained. I frowned at him and turned around to my dad.
"My what?" I asked, rather disbelievingly.
"Your personal escort." My mother said standing up. "He will escort you anywhere you go. He will drive you wherever you want, since you aren't supposed to drive until three weeks from now like the doctor said. He will also keep you safe under any situation that could cause danger." She explained as if it was the easiest thing in the world.
"So he's my bodyguard." I mocked.
"Something like that." My father said.
"No it's not something like that. It is that." I argued. "I don't need a bodyguard. Seriously, Am I such a burden to you that you're just going to hire someone to look after me so you wouldn't have to call every hour to check on me?" I asked plainly crossing my arms in front if my chest.
"No Clark, he will keep you safe for the time being until you start finding your way around. It was a mistake to just leave you out on your own for the last week or so, and lately you have been disappearing and worrying us." My father said, breathing heavily from frustration. "Is it too much to ask if you jut take him with you wherever you go? For just a while."
Just now that I realized that neither of my brothers said a thing since I stepped foot in the house. "And you're okay with this?" I asked them. Neither one of them said a thing, the just looked at each other and gave me the look that said well-it's-a-good-idea. "Of course you're okay with this." I scoffed.
"Just for a while, Clark. Until you start getting your memories back, or until you can drive on your own again. We can't keep sending your brothers to get you every time you go somewhere, and the streets are dangerous at night for you to just walk on your own. Plus you look a little lost on your own." My dad said.
"I don't need a babysitter." I said through clenched teeth. "No offense, Oliver. " I turned towards him. He just pursed his lips together, probably not wanting to speak before this argument is over. I smirked at his sneaky, yet polite and smart action.
"The decision is final. We already made up our minds, your father and I whether you like it or not. Hank will escort you wherever you go. end of discussion." My mother said.
"Fine. Do whatever you want." I calmly said, "but keep in mind that I am your daughter not your property, and that whatever bond we had before this accident. It's gone." I said. Then I turned around and walked to the stairs. Just as I was at the bottom of the stairs I turned around, "oh, and I hope your 'care less about Clark' project works, that's if it hasn't worked already." I then walked up the stairs and entered my room.
I closed the door and went over to my closet. I picked up a pair of black sweatpants and a t-shirt. I changed into them from those uncomfortable pants I had on and the button up shirt too. I liked being extra comfortable specially if I am going to be spending alone time, and after coming home to this unrequited argument, I don't even want to stay home right now. It's like every time I talk to my parents lately I feel like we keep fighting and arguing. I know my parents have bodyguards, but we have like two bodyguards that we only call to come help us at public occasions or parties. My parents call them when they have conferences or so, but never have we ever had personal bodyguards. Not Scott, not Caleb, not my parents, nor me. I didn't want to change that now, and have a personal 'escort' . Like come on I am not that reckless.
Plus I didn't need a bodyguard or let's say babysitter. I am fully capable of taking care of myself, but I guess arguing with them is just as worthless as arguing with me. Hank can make sure he follows me, but I don't have to make sure that he is following me. In fact if anything, I'll do my best to divert my road from him. It would be a considerable mission, considering I don't want anyone to follow me around and keep me safe, keeping people away from me, as if I can't do that myself. We'll see how long it takes him to quit this job and find another body to guard, because I am not going to be this simple. I will never be this easy again.
I opened the door to my room, and just as I stepped outside and looked to my right, my heart stopped for a split second in the sight of Oliver Hank standing there motionless beside the door.
I put my hand on my heart from the fright, "oh god." I then looked around, "what? Dude who stands there like that?" I asked pointing at the spot he is standing at, a hand still on my heart.
"Mrs Morgan." He politely greeted, "I am sorry if I scared you, but your parents orders were to wait outside your room in case you needed to go somewhere or need something." He apologized.
"It's fine." I shrugged it off, "and call me Clark. Don't be so formal on yourself." I said as I patted his shoulder and started walking to the stairs, Oliver following suite. I walked into the kitchen to get myself something to eat. Everyone seemed to be still in the living room, talking or arguing.
I opened the fridge and looked for something to cook myself, and I started opening the cupboards in search for food. After a couple of seconds of silence in the living room I saw my brothers entering the kitchen and each of them sat on the stools watching me make myself a sandwich. "I am not making either of you anything." I told them, focusing on my own sandwich.
"We don't need you to make us food." Caleb sighed.
I rose my eyebrows, "fine." I put the jam back into the cupboards "You just made my arguing life ten times easier." I went over the stools and sat opposite to both of them. Both of them looked like they are about to pee information out if they don't speak now. I smirked at them for a few seconds while chewing my food, and both of them were actually sweating from nervousness and guilt. "I know you knew about it." I told them.
They let out large comfort breaths, "they actually told us about this yesterday. We supported them thinking they were bluffing or making suggestions, and when it turned out real I tried talking them out, even though it's a good idea actually. I just knew you wouldn't like it." Caleb told me, giving me a sorry look.
"I am not going to castrate you." I told them. They both eased down in their seats after looking tensed up and worried. "Yet.". They tensed up again, and I chuckled at their childish acts. "Relax. I am just kidding." I said, biting on my sandwich again.
"Of course." Scott said, "you know you're mean today." He continued. I rolled my eyes at him and wiggled my eyebrows at him.
"So," Caleb said looking at Oliver. "Oliver, hope you know what you got yourself into."
"It's okay Mr. Morgan. I have had petty reckless clients before. It shouldn't be difficult keeping an eye on Mrs. Morgan." He said.
"Clark." I corrected him. "And don't be so full of yourself, Oliver. I am not your typical client." I said biting from my sandwich. My mother and father the. Came into the kitchen. I rolled my eyes upwards, as they walked in.
"We're getting back to work." My father said, putting on his suit jacket.
"Of course you are." I muttered to myself. Caleb's and Scott looked at me, giving me warning looks which I sighed for.
"If you need anything call us." He continued. Then he turned to Oliver, "Oliver, you go with Clark wherever she goes. Keep your eyes on her. Your job starts today."
Oliver nodded, "yes, sir."
"Okay. Good." Then he turned to us, "see you alter tonight." He told us, and then him and mum left the kitchen and left the house.
"Do you know you're supposed to meet up with coach Finn today?" Caleb asked looking at his phone. I looked at him confusingly.
"Coach Finn?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows.
"Your tennis coach." Scott informed me, "you probably don't remember. You changed from coach Hamilton to coach Finnstock about a year or so ago."
"What's happened with Hamilton?" I asked.
"He left the academy so dad made an appointment with coach Finn, and I went with you first time you trained with him." Caleb said.
"Oh." I said. That probably happened when my parents slightly cared the least bit about me to actually make the appointment, but then yet again they didn't come with me. Caleb did, not my parents. "So when are we meeting up with him?" I asked.
"In about half and hour. Give me ten minutes to change then we can head out." He said standing up, locking his phone. "You coming with?" He asked Scott.
"Nah, Jeremy is heading over in a couple of minutes. you guys go alone." He said also standing up.
"Okay." Caleb said, then he ran upstairs to get changed into actual clothes, other than his shorts, and worn out t-shirt. Scott walked into the living room, leaving me in the kitchen alone. I got up put my plate in the sink and looked at Oliver just standing there, motionlessly.
"Are you coming too?" I asked him.
He looked at me, "I escort you wherever you go, Mrs. Morgan. Even if your family is with you." He said.
"Dude, it's Clark. Seriously stop calling me Mrs. Morgan." I told him. "Come on say it." I demanded.
"Say what?" He asked, confusingly.
"Say Clark. If we are going to be stuck together for a long time we end to set some ground rules like we don't call each other Miss and Mister." I told him. "We can try to be friends at least." He didn't say anything. I sighed, "listen, I get it. You're just doing your job. But I just told a friend of mine that I don't want to see them again yesterday, and my other only friend just left town this morning. I am in desperate need of a friend right now."
"okay. I am sorry about your friends." He agreed.
"It's not your fault." I walked out of the kitchen, him following behind me. "So what do I call you? Hank or Oliver?" I asked.
"Some people call me Hank and others call me Oliver."
I pursed my lips, "that didn't answer my question. should I just call you Holiver?".
"You can call me either name." He told me. I walked to our front door and slipped on my shoes.
"Fine." I sighed. "I'll call you Hank, and in serious times I'll call you Oliver. Sounds like a deal?" I asked.
He nodded, "that's fine with me."
"Don't you joke?" I asked. "or worse laugh?" I asked sarcastically.
"No, I do. I am just acting like I do at work."
"Okay. Fine. Suit yourself." I told him, just as Caleb came running down the stairs in jeans, a button up shirt and a pair of shoes. "Finally!" I exclaimed. "Took you forever. Are you ready now?" I asked.
"Yes." He said. Then I started opening the door. "Are you leaving like this?" He asked motioning to my sweats. I looked down at my self.
"Yeah?" It came more like a question. "What's wrong with that? It's not like we're meeting up with the Prime Minister."
"Whatever." He walked outside the house with me following him, rolling my eyes at him, Hank following suite to me. I lakes behind him to the garage just as Hank called on me
"I am sorry, but you'll be riding with me in the Audi." He told me. "I drive you everywhere you go. Remember?"
"Oh," I remembered. "Hey Cal," I called on Caleb who was opening the garage's door. "Come on we are driving in the Audi. Apparently mum and dad's orders." I put air quotes around orders. I found the set of rules they just put this morning seemingly annoying and stupid, like does it really matter whether I ride a car with my brother or my bodyguard.
He sighed, "fine."
Seriously, what is with the sighing today?
We walked over to the car. Caleb opened his door and got inside. Hank opened the door for me, I rose my eyebrows at him and he just shrugged. I shook my head as I entered the backseat if the car next to my brother. Hank closed the door and enters the drivers seat and started the car. He asked Caleb what the address was so he can put it on GPS, when Caleb told him he easily entered it and started backing out of our house's driveway.
Clark
The voice that has been buried in my head all this time, that ever since yesterday I have been trying to forget. Why is he doing this to me?
Clark, I know you are there. He said. We need to talk please. Don't end it this way. He pleaded.
I couldn't bring myself to answer him. I only did this for his best. I knew he would try to contact me, and I was preparing myself for this ever since yesterday. I won't let my emotions cloud my judgements anymore, that's why I chose to ignore them from the first place.
Clark.
He sounded hurt , yet I couldn't answer him, so he would never be hurt. So that neither of us would have to face any risks ever again, for our safety.
Just like that. He was gone again. I almost, almost felt pain, but I didn't. Not anymore will I ever.
How did my life be so complicated?
I never thought there would be a day when I'd say that I am in a car with my bodyguard/driver or well personal escort, that my parents hired to look after me because I get myself in trouble and because I am amnesiac, and decided to slip into the abyss of my own darkness.
All of this was mainly because I was at a police station just two days ago, because I was a witness that helped someone that almost took his own life. Also the only reason I helped this person is because somehow I felt heroic because of the unnatural abilities that I suddenly figured I had after waking up from an accident that erased about two years of my life.
So yes, my life took a turn. I might not now what it was these last two years or even remember it, but I am pretty sure things got ten times more complicated in my life than they ever were.
A lot of things died inside of me these last two weeks, and a lot of emotions and grief has simply just drowned out of me. I know if I still cared I would've been panicking now, and that I would've been worrying my entire mind out, but this is over. I just don't care anymore. I won't make the same mistake I did before. I chose to shut off my emotions and ignore them yesterday, to only stick to the emotions that are dry, that will keep me alive. I won't be taking any risks anymore with my emotions. The only risks I will be taking physically will be to protect the ones I care about.
I can't use these emotions, as the only thing they will ever do is hurt me, and everyone around me because I was too weak to keep them safe. I can't do this again. I chose to slip my emotions into abyss and keep them away from reality, because reality is a prison. A prison that only tortured my emotions. Too much light is just impossible for me. I guess I lit a too big candle for even myself to handle, and when you light a candle you also cast a shadow, and I guess my shadow was jut way too big for my candle.
And the surprise is that I actually like this feeling. I like the darkness. There is something to the feeling of not knowing your surroundings, not seeing the color of things as they appear, but as they truly are. There is something about the unknown, the quiet, the cold. There is something unspoken about the dark, the abyss, something I can never quite put words to. Something terrifying yet beautiful.
So here I am sitting in a car with my brother next to me, and my bodyguard in the driver's seat completely drained out of emotions. As if nothing can really hurt me anymore. Nothing anyone says to me or does to me will make me feel weak or helpless. I won't care about it anymore.
surprisingly, I couldn't feel more free in my life.
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NOT EDITED.
AN//
Surprise! No, okay :D
It's a surprisingly early update so enjoy! It's a little filler yet important. I bet you didn't expect that new character. I have a lot made up for Oliver. You're actually going to love this character so much when you get to know him better, but him and Clark won't just get along easily. Let's just hint that Clark will try to shoo him off with many tricks up her sleeve.
Anyway, tell me what you think. Please please please, I need some feedback. You can vote or comment please. I would really appreciate it.
This is a picture of Cher Morgan in the side too.
I have a question though. What's your favorite TV show? Or movie?
I have a lot
Thank you for reading though. vote, and comment please.
Love always, MK.