Look to the stars. Let hope burn in your eyes. And we'll love. And we'll hope. And we'll die.
Well, I damn sure wasn't gonna be able to sleep now, and I already knew it. How could she so easily fall asleep after doing that to me? This was only the second time I'd ever been kissed, but I was pretty sure there was a rule that said you don't kiss someone and then go to sleep. That's just rude, isn't it?
But as I watched her sleep, it was the affirmation that I did love her, so who cares if it was rude? How could a killer look so serene and beautiful when sleeping? Not just sleeping either, when she was awake she was beautiful too.
I thought it was just me recognizing she was an attractive woman before when I'd think that, but after she just kissed me, I knew that wasn't it. It was a lot more than that. I needed her. She saved my life, and she deserved to be loved. It wasn't that I felt obligated to, it was just I realized I wanted to be that person that gave it to her.
Gorgeous, gorgeous Capricorn... I didn't even know her real name still. It didn't even matter. I'd called her Capricorn so much that it had stuck now. A name isn't a reason to not love someone, it's just a label. She could be named anything and she'd still be this person that I loved.
I love... someone. I had never thought I would. There were so many nights I'd be in my house, bodyguards preventing me from going anywhere, that I'd wondered if I ever would get the chance to. Dad was usually gone, or he'd get home so late I'd already be asleep, and be gone again by the time I woke up.
I hated him sometimes for never being there. For making me feel like I was being raised and nurtured by bodyguards and maids. For making me feel useless and incapable of doing anything by myself. For not trusting me. For treating me like an after thought.
I had a sparse few memories of my mother. They were so foggy sometimes I wondered if I had made them up. But the emotions I felt from remembering them... could you really make those up?
My dad had told me she left because she got into an argument with him. I found out years later that 'argument' was over him sleeping with other women all the time. I understood that she left him for that, but I never understood why she left me. I guess I never would.
Now there was no one. No one except Capricorn. She hadn't left me. She was the only one that had never left me.
Her 'job' regarding me had gone south. She could have left me. She had the opportunity. But she didn't.
She didn't.
That meant everything to me.
She meant everything to me.
I laid on my side watching her face as she slept. What did she dream about? Did she have nightmares of what she had done in the past, of the things she'd seen, or did she sleep peacefully? I wanted to know everything about her.
Funny how one kiss can do that to you.
I recalled the time that boy Riley had kissed me during truth or dare. It was about the same length, but I didn't remember staying awake thinking about it, it wasn't that special. The only way it was special is it was my first kiss, an obligatory landmark moment in my life. I wished I could erase that memory and replace it with this one. This was what a first kiss should be like, I already could tell. Simple, sweet, short, soft, and sensuous.
I didn't know what time it was now, but I was still acting as if she had just kissed me. I kept tracing my fingers over my lips and grinning. I wondered if it was even special to her. Had it just been one of many or was it unique in any way to her? I hoped it was unique. I hoped I was good enough for her. I just hoped I was... enough.
Truth be told I wondered way too many fucking things about that kiss. I should let it go. But I couldn't. I needed another one. If the next one made me feel the same way, then that was my answer. I could stop wondering so much about it. Maybe.
Probably not. I'd always wonder if I was good enough for her. For anyone. Because so far in my life, it hadn't seemed that way.
I remember hearing the kids that would sometimes visit our house tell me I was so lucky my dad was rich and had money I had all this stuff. Rich. Money. Stuff.
None of that could make you feel wanted. None of it mattered to me. Sometimes I had wished my dad wasn't so successful, so that he couldn't afford bodyguards to shelter me from everything and anything. I wished I could walk outside by myself and do what I wanted to do, whatever that may be.
Money is such a prison, actually. Stuff, stuff, stuff surrounding you and still you feel empty. It doesn't make you feel what I was feeling right now, looking at Capricorn sleeping.
I just wanted to be interesting to her, I wanted her to love me because she loved me, not because she maybe felt sorry for me. But I didn't think she felt sorry for me. If she did, she'd be going easy on me during our training sessions, and she definitely was not. I think she wanted me to be strong, and she didn't want to hand anything to me for free, much like I had been my whole life.
She'd known my dad, I wondered if she ever knew about me specifically while she'd been associated with him before. Maybe I had actually seen her when I was younger and just didn't remember. And if I did, I sure didn't think 'some day I'll be sleeping in the same bed as this girl.
But I was now. God, she was so beautiful.
She was a completely different looking person ever since we had left the House. She looked... happier to me.
As I stared at her, I found myself closing the small distance between us. I wanted to be closer. I needed to be closer.
Before I even considered the effect, I leaned in and placed my lips on hers and kissed her. At the moment I did, I felt her breath on my lips, which caused her to stir and when I pulled back her eyes fluttered open.
Whoops.
"What...are you doing?" She asked, sleepily.
I was lost for words, I hadn't expected her to wake up.
"And why are you smiling?" She added.
Was I? I probably was.
"I... didn't mean to wake you up. I'm sorry." I apologized quickly.
"How did you?"
Should I lie or tell the truth?
"N-nothing. Sorry to wake you. Just go back to...sleep."
Her eyes were half open, I didn't think she'd remember any of this tomorrow. That reassured me.
"O...kay. Good night, Selena." She exhaled and readjusted herself, digging into the pillow, and she was off again.
A few minutes later, I kissed her again. This time she didn't wake up.
-
"You're punching almost entirely with your arm, you're never gonna get any strength behind it like that." Capricorn told me, the next day while we were training. She caught my fist in her hand and slowly lowered it down.
"Watch." She instructed, and turned to the side.
As she demonstrated, I didn't really pay attention to what she was doing with her arm like I should have been. I was watching the shape of her body instead.
"See?" She asked.
"Yeah." I replied, knowing full well I didn't see it.
"Really." She didn't sound convinced at all.
"Yeah I saw what you did."
She folded her arms. "Then do it."
I punched exactly the same way I had before, only this time, she grabbed my forearm with her right hand and flung it back towards my left side with such speed that it twisted my body and I fell to the mat on my back. She brought her knee onto my stomach and pinned both of my hands down with hers.
"You're not improving. You're getting worse." She told me.
I was just happy for the physical contact, her hands holding mine, and her knee on my stomach.
"Sorry, I'm... kind of out of it..?"
"Then you're dead. A real threat would have already killed you." She lifted off of me and began walking towards the stairs.
I sat up. "Wait, we're done already?"
She spun around, and I saw nothing but disappointment in her eyes. "Obviously you are, you haven't been trying at all today."
I stood up, unsure of what to say. I mean, she was right, I wasn't. I was just looking at her the entire time, but not in the way I should be. "I guess I'm just having an off day."
"No shit!" She yelled, then walked up to me. "But guess what, Selena? You're not allowed to have off days if you're actually serious about training! In a fight, an off day is not a disadvantage, it's a possible death sentence. You don't seem to get it, at all. This isn't summer camp, I'm not gonna pat you on the back every day if you don't even try. I'm gonna walk right back up these stairs, like I was doing just now. And eventually, if you keep up like this, I'm just gonna call this whole thing off.
For the first few days we did this, I saw the fire in your eyes, I saw you paying attention to me like you actually wanted this. Now I don't know what I see. Not much, if I'm being honest."
Ouch. This wasn't the declaration of love I was expecting to hear today after our kiss last night.
She narrowed her eyes for a moment. "Wait. Is this about last night?"
I widened mine, in turn. "Huh?"
"How did you wake me up last night? You never answered. You did something obviously, or I wouldn't have."
Shit, she actually did remember...
Backpedal mode engaged. "Nothing? I was just having trouble sleep so I was watching you sleep. N-not in a creepy way or something I just... well... you were right there so..."
She put her hands on her hips and raised her eyebrows.
I averted my eyes from her in every direction possible.
"I already know what you did. I'm not dumb." She said.
But does that mean..? Both times I kissed her she was conscious for it? Then why didn't she...
"I'm sorry... I didn't-"
"Aha! So you did do something else!" She pointed at me.
"Wait, what?"
"I'm used to capturing people and interrogating them Selena, it's the bread and butter of an interrogation, to see the response of a random claim you make. The guilty always buy into it. You're just too easy. Now you've admitted you did do something else."
Alright, this was gonna end in me eventually confessing. I forgot I was dealing with a master, here. Might as well just say it.
"I kissed you, okay?! God, it's not the big deal you're making it out to be..." I trailed off, defeated.
She folded her arms once more. "Why?"
"Because... I wanted to?"
"Are you falling for me or something?"
What..? What kind of conceitedness... It was true, but I wouldn't let her know that, just because of how she said that.
"What?! No! Why would you say something like that?"
Admittedly, not my most convincing answer ever.
"Selena, I can be someone special for you, or I can be your mentor. I cannot be both."
She didn't buy my answer at all?!
"Why not?" I found myself saying automatically.
"So you are... I see..." She brought a hand to her chin and looked pensive.
No way... another trick?
"That's not fair, stop playing interrogation games with me!" I shouted at her.
She shrugged. "It has it's usefulness outside of holding a hostage."
I threw my hands up. "You know what? You're right. I AM done."
I decided to play the ol' pity card, maybe that would elicit a genuine reaction from her and not more mind games. I walked past her, making for the stairs, expecting her to say something. She didn't.
I silently cursed her for being so stubborn, and stopped at the foot of the staircase and turned around.
"It would be easier if you could be both." I said, blankly.
She finally turned to regard me. "No, it would be much harder. If we allow ourselves to have feelings for each other, the training is useless. We will be worried about hurting each other because of feelings. That's not permissible, if the training is to be beneficial."
I started to nod, understanding what she was saying, before I caught on to what she actually said. We?
"Hold on. We? I thought we were talking about me having feelings for you, you have feelings for me, too?"
She laughed. "Duh."
I did a double take. It sounded so weird to hear that word coming out of her mouth, from someone so professional. But as weird as it sounded, it made me feel exponentially good. I found a smile creeping to my face without realizing it.
"Really?"
She shook her head, smiling. "You really are so naïve you know that?"
I was insulted at this. Was I really supposed to know this the whole time? I mean yeah she kissed me, but she'd disguised it as a test to see my feelings. Maybe she'd wanted to the whole time?
I decided to use her own tactics against her. Two could play this game.
"Because I didn't know you wanted to kiss me this whole time?"
She had a contented look. "I told you you were attractive before all of this happened."
It couldn't be that simple though, could it?
"So I was supposed to know from that comment? That's kind of unfair. I was a little... preoccupied with getting out of that damn house."
She shrugged. "Regardless, like I said, you have to choose one or the other. I can't be both."
This was the most awkward confession of feelings ever. Or rather, the most awkward WAY to confess feelings. She was saying it without actually saying it. It still created a warm feeling inside me, though, to know that she did like me.
But it was also odd, because aside from the events of last night, she had never acted like she really liked me, she acted more like a guardian. I guess that was the reason for what she was saying... she couldn't act like both at the same time. It made sense, tragically.
I sighed. "Yeah, I guess I understand."
"Well then." She walked towards me and placed her hands on my shoulders. "You let me know what your choice is. But for now, I think it's safe to say you're a little too distracted for training. I'm gonna run to the store, I'll be back in a bit." She released her hold on me and moved past me and up the stairs.
I turned to watch her disappear up the spiral staircase, and then went to the bed and flopped onto it face first.
-
It was true. That kiss had done something to me, and I hadn't really expected it to. I mean sure I had been a little attracted to Selena from the start, and I had wanted her to come stay with me to protect her... but I didn't think it would turn into anything more than that.
Truth be told, I was trying to appear neutral with kissing her to 'help her out', I hadn't expected any connection to occur. I hadn't fallen to sleep straight after when I had said good night, either. I laid there with my eyes closed, and every now and then I'd barely open them and see that Selena was watching me with a smile on her face.
Of all the end results I could have predicted for 'us' after what happened in the house, this was not even in the same ballpark. She was full of surprises.
I slapped the steering wheel as I drove, cursing myself for what had just unfolded in the Kill Zone shortly before. What was I thinking, giving her some ultimatum like that? Why did I even mention there being a possiibility of something more between us?
Stupid, stupid!
But it was a rational question, asking her which she wanted more, I thought. No way would I be able to give her proper training if we were... We were, what? Girlfriends? She'd never even dated someone, much less been in a relationship. Not like IF that happened we'd be able to go out and do things like normal couples, at least not as much as we should anyway. Grabenstein was still out there, and who knew how many people he'd told about me. He definitely had pictures of me so that I was identifiable in public. Well, actually he had pictures of Selena too. He'd shown me and the others her picture before we went to abduct her from the Weiss mansion.
And now, this very same girl that I abducted, bruised up and starved in a basement, this same girl who I'd let see her dad get killed in front of her and then fled to my house and now here... this very same girl was kissing me while she thought I was asleep.
What kind of fucked relationship...
This whole thing was fucked. And now... I was beginning to wonder myself if she chose the training over me, if I'd still even be able to not have feelings for her. I had been doing fine before last night. I even thought during our session recently I wasn't giving off any vibes that could be taken for attraction. And then I fucked everything up by giving her that ultimatum.
Because now I didn't know if I could truly go through with either of the choices. If she chose me, who knows what would even happen between us, we might not even be that compatible romantically. And then what? We'd decide it wasn't for the best and... what would happen then?
Conversely, if she chose the training, I'd just always wonder what would have happened if she chose me, and it would distract me, and probably be in the back of her mind too.
It truly was, a fucking lose lose situation.
Great job, Demetria...