I'm holding on. Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on to so much more than I can carry.
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down.
If I just let go, I'd be set free...
Heavy, Linkin Park
***
Marinette couldn't remember ever being so exhausted. She was, of course, used to being physically tired. Used to sleepless nights and to the fatigue that made her every move slow. It was one of the downsides of being Paris' superhero. Truth be told, being Ladybug wasn't easy every day. Far from it. Short nights, lying to everyone all the time, responsibilities that she knew were dragging her down, bit by bit...
Yeah, she was used to it.
Technically.
What Marinette wasn't used to was being so mentally and emotionally drained, all the time. The world, which she used to see with pink coloured glasses, had lost its beauty. Everything seemed somehow grayer, duller. Every morning, the sun seemed less brilliant and it was harder to get out of bed with every passing day.
She had never felt more alone and miserable.
She knew that, somewhere in Paris, a young man shared the same problems, the same secrets. He also was getting little to no sleep and was - well, probably, he should be - lying to his friends and his family.
But who knew where Chat Noir was. Maybe he currently was laughing with his friends, unaffected by the burden that was slowly but surely weighing Marinette down. Or maybe he was all alone, silently praying for an akuma attack to escape the loneliness. Somehow, not knowing where he was, who he was, and how he was was the worst of it all. Because Chat was Marinette's person right now. The one and only. She wanted him to be happy. She really hoped he was alright. Hoped he wasn't alone. Hoped he had tons of friends - she expected him to, funny and confident as he was -, and never felt like her. Alone in the world.
Only a few days prior, Luka had broken up with her. There wasn't any bad blood between them, but all the lies and the secrets had finally taken their toll on their relationship. And Marinette's friends were more and more distant with each passing day, for the same reasons. Even her parents were giving her space, thinking that it was perfectly normal behaviour from a teenager.
Tikki and Chat were the only ones she could still rely on but... Well, the first one was trying her best, of course, but it just wasn't enough anymore. And Chat, they had like, what, ten seconds together to talk after an akuma attack? And on patrol, all she wanted was to spend time with him. She wanted to be distracted, to laugh. And besides, she couldn't reveal too much about herself, just in case he figured out who she was.
She was drowning. Painfully and slowly. She had so, so little air left in her lungs and no one, no one, saw anything.
Or that's what she thought.
"I don't know what to do anymore," Alya complained to Adrien and Nino during lunchtime. "She basically ran off the class before I even had the chance to ask her to come and eat with us at the park."
"Let her breath," Nino said with a shrug. "She just needs time."
"Time? She doesn't need more time! I gave her plenty of time! Do you even see how she looks? Like hell, that's how. I mean, she has always been, well, Marinette, but... I mean, she's always tired, yes, but it's worse now. She looks like she's this close," she practically shoved her fingers in Nino and Adrien's faces, showing the minimal space between them, "to collapse on the ground and never get back up."
"Alya's right," Adrien agreed, brows furrowed, as Nino pushed his girlfriend's fingers away from his friend's face. "But what can we do?"
"I don't know!"
The teenage girl closed her locker's door so forcefully that Adrien and Nino both jumped. But they understood why Alya was so angry. Of course, they did. Marinette barely smiled anymore and when she did, it was forced and never reached her eyes. She would only talk when someone directly asked her something and was always looking by the window, mind far, far away.
It reminded Adrien of someone else, too.
His lady always had the same look on her face. The same emptiness. She tried to hide it, he knew that, but that spark that was so characteristically hers was nowhere to be found. Had been missing for a while now.
He was trying his best to make her laugh, to support and help her, but he knew it wasn't enough. He could practically see the walls she had built around herself. The mask she had forged from the ashes. The hollowness in her heart and in her soul.
He was watching her die and he was powerless to help her.
If only she could just give him a clue, only one, so he could figure out who she was and help her. Save her. But she was so guarded, wouldn't even tell him her favourite colour.
He felt hopeless. Couldn't help either Ladybug or Marinette.
Unless?...
No.
... Maybe?
No. No.
No?
"Obviously, we can do something. When's the last time y'all had a girl's night or whatever?" Nino asked Alya.
"A while ago," she answered. "The girls all pretty much still like Lila, so she's always at the sleepovers."
Adrien sighs. "And Marinette isn't."
"Hey, I don't go either! I stand by my girl."
"But you're still invited."
"We should do something, just the four of us, like before!" Nino suggested, a huge smile on his face.
"Sure, but...," Alya paused, and then, "Won't your girlfriend mind?" she asked Adrien.
He almost missed the tone, the challenge. Almost missed the way Nino looked at his girlfriend, his eyes wide.
Almost.
"Kagami won't mind, no."
Besides, she's not my girlfriend anymore, he nearly said.
It wasn't entirely true. They were "taking a break". Adrien wasn't comfortable with the whole relationship thing and Kagami had told him that he had a month to get over himself, or else it was over between them.
No pressure.
Just like... forget the girl you've been in love with for what seems like an eternity now, move on, fall in love with Kagami instead, and feel confident and happy in this new relationship in exactly... 2 weeks, 6 days and 7 hours now.
Yeah, no, absolutely no pressure.
Alya was about to say something, but Adrien would never know what because suddenly, the screaming started. After glancing at each other, the three of them darted for the doors but Rose, Juleka, Alix and Mylene came in, tears streaming down the first girl's face.
"What's going on?" Alya immediately asked. "Another akuma attack? There was one yesterday!"
"It's Marinette," Rose said through her tears.
"What?" the other three all exclaimed, shocked and yet, so, so disappointed in themselves. They should have seen it coming, they thought. They should've prevented it.
"She was coming home from lunch, heading to the lockers," Mylene explained, glancing anxiously at the door in between words, "but Lila went to her."
"She told us that Marinette had borrowed a pencil and that she needed it back," Alix said.
"I don't know what happened, but suddenly Marinette was screaming at her, telling her to go to hell and, and...," Mylene then started crying too, burying her face in her hands.
Juleka completed the sentence. "And the akuma got her."
"She's got Lila in some kind of trance," Alix continued. "Her eyes are now all white and there's a sword hanging over her head."
"Like the sword of Damocles?" Nino asked.
"Kind of? Marinette, or should I say, Princess Justice, told Lila that she was awaiting trial for all of her lies and manipulations. If the sword falls, she's guilty."
"And what happens if the sword falls?" Nino anxiously asked.
"I don't wanna know."
"Where is she now?" Adrien asked, trying to figure out a way to run away from the group and transform.
"Probably out for Ladybug and Chat Noir."
Once again, screams erupted from outside. Wherever Princess Justice was and whatever she was doing, it couldn't be good. The teenagers all look at each other briefly before running as far away from the screams as possible. With everyone running around, Adrien easily managed to separate himself from the group. Once alone, Plagg came out of his shirt, for the first time at loss of words.
"You heard it, Plagg. Ladybug will need us. Gosh, I don't want to hurt Marinette. I'll need to tell Ladybug to be more careful, but she won't understand why... But I'm sure I could talk to Marinette. She's strong, maybe she'll be able to get herself out of it without us having to fight her... Yeah, I believe in her, I'm sure she can do it. Let's go, Plagg."
"Adrien, kid, I think I should tell you something..."
"Now's not the time!"
"But -"
"Plagg, claws out!"
***
She was done. Completely, absolutely, utterly, done.
Marinette had come back to school after a terrible diner with her parents, who wouldn't stop asking about why her grades were dropping, and why was she so angry all the time, and why didn't she help them anymore, and where was their daughter because they couldn't recognize her anymore and what was going on?
She had just wanted to take a little nap during her lunch break, wanted to relax and be alone. But no, her parents had seen this as the perfect opportunity to start interrogating her, not leaving her alone for one second.
"I am doing the best I can!" she had screamed, leaving them speechless.
"Oh, chérie, we know," her mom had said after a moment, a hand on her heart. "We are just worried about you. We thought it was normal, but... Honey, you've lost so much weight, you have dark circles under your eyes..."
"Your mother's right. We just wanna help you."
"Well, don't," she had snapped at her father, already halfway out of the door. "I don't need it."
Of course, that wasn't true, but they couldn't help her. No one could. She was alone in this. She had to be.
Sweet little Tikki had been so kind and patient on their way back to school. Telling her to breath, telling her that she understood, that everything was going to be okay but most importantly, that she was Ladybug and that she had to calm down because she couldn't risk being akumatized and, of course, she was right but dammit, Marinette just wanted to be angry and hurt and sad in peace for once in her goddamn life...
She'd headed straight to the lockers, knowing that that's where her closest friends were most likely to be, when Lila had come to her. And that had been... God, that had been horrible.
She had started telling Marinette about her new plan to turn everyone against her, again, because well, she had already done it once, she could completely do it again. After all, Lila had said, Marinette was completely alone, no one truly loved her, she was a walking embarrassment, and maybe, just maybe, the world would be better off without...
"SHUT UP!" Marinette had screamed, the cries quieting everyone around the schoolyard. "STOP IT! I can't, I can't..."
"You can't what, Marinette? Accept the truth? I'm just trying to help you see the mess your life is."
And she just couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't breathe, gosh why couldn't she breathe anymore? What was going on, and what if Lila was right, what if she was a burden, a disaster, and, and, and, why couldn't she breathe? She just wanted to breathe, please, please, just let her breath, please...
"Go to hell, Lila!" Marinette cried, her heart shattering in her chest as she watched the dark butterfly coming towards her, knowing fully well that she wasn't gonna be able to calm down.
She briefly had time to take off her earrings, remembering for a split second her duty as Ladybug and as the guardian, before the akuma and Hawk Moth stole her soul.
"Princess Justice, I'm happy to see you again."
She didn't have the time to throw her earrings away.
She had tried to fight. Really, she did. With all that she had, with all of her might, but... well, that wasn't much anymore. She had nothing left. Nothing in her life, and nothing in her heart. The fight was buried so deeply inside of her that she couldn't believe that it had been there once.
Being akumatized felt exactly like what she thought being possessed by a demon felt like. She somehow knew what was happening, could see and feel everything, but she couldn't control it. It was like being captive of her own body, while someone else was in command. She absolutely loathes it.
Her high heels echoed with every step she took, along with the unpleasant noise coming from the long sword she held, the point dragging on the ground. What was she gonna do? Waiting around for Chat Noir was kinda lame, and she didn't feel like revealing to Hawk Moth that she already had Ladybug's miraculous. Some part inside of her prevented her from doing that.
"Ladybug and Chat Noir will come and stop you!" someone shouted behind her.
Princess Justice turned and lifted her sword up, pointing it at the women. She was in her mid-thirties, had blonde hair, gray eyes and was clearly courageous. And stupid.
"Really?" Princess Justice asked, a smirk playing on her lips.
"Yes. Ladybug will save us all, as always!"
The sword seemed to come to life by itself, glowing brightly. It had done the exact same thing when Lila had said, oddly confident: "You're not gonna hurt me, Marinette."
"Looks like you are lying," Princess Justice affirmed just like she did with Lila before, sightly laughing as the women took a step back. "Ladybug won't be able to save you this time."
Surprisingly, more and more people tried to get in her way, trying to slow her down so Ladybug could get here. It was incredibly brave and reckless of them. Something Marinette would've done. Something that Princess Justice thought was funny in a condescending kind of way. After all, what powers did they hold against her? Against their hero?
They were powerless, just like Marinette used to be. But she would rise up high despite it all and no one, no one, would ever make her feel like she did before. No one would ever make her feel like she wasn't good enough. No one would make her feel like she had to be the best, to be on top of everything. No one would make her feel so lonely anymore.
That's when the idea started to form in Princess Justice's head. An idea so, so amazing, that she wondered how she hadn't thought of it before.
"Princess Justice, what are you doing? Why aren't you moving?" Hawk Moth screamed at her. "You need to find Ladybug and Chat Noir. I want their miraculous!"
"Don't worry, Hawk Moth," she said, staring at her fist. "I will have them."
"Then what-"
"Chat Noir will be here soon. I have a plan."
"You better be right, Princess Justice, or else I will take back your powers!"
"Trust me. We will both have what we want."
Yes, Hawk Moth would soon have his miraculous and Princess Justice wouldn't be alone anymore.
After all, she thought, a princess needs a prince.