Her flight to Italy would leave in a few hours, and she'd had somewhat a full night's sleep, even if she had woken up multiple times. Derek had been at the hospital overnight, even though he'd still tried to get out of it to stay with her. She thought it'd be easier this way, easier for him, easier for her. They'd said goodbye Saturday morning before he'd left for the hospital, and that was that. She'd see him whenever she returned to Seattle, and he probably would have moved on by then.
She kicked off her blankets, yawning as she forced herself out of the bed. She hadn't even finished packing yet, and she'd probably need to leave in the few hours to get through security and be on time for her flight. Her intercom buzzed, and she frowned, not expecting anyone to come over. She'd drank with Cristina at the bar last night, so it wouldn't be Cristina.
"Hello?" she asked, pressing the button for the intercom.
"I have coffee," she heard Derek's voice over the speaker.
"What... I..." her frown deepened as she buzzed him in, "Come up, I guess."
Having had fallen asleep in her bra and panties, she grabbed her robe and pulled it on before going to open her front door, still frowning as the elevator opened. He walked toward her, grinning as he held two cups of coffee and a paper bag.
"Good morning," he greeted her, quickly pressing his lips to hers as he walked past her and into the kitchen.
"Good morning..." she closed the door, still in complete confusion as she followed him into the kitchen, "What are you doing here?"
"You have a long flight ahead of you, so I brought coffee," he said as he passed her one of the take out cups, "You didn't think I'd leave without a goodbye now, did you?"
"We said goodbye on Saturday morning before you went to the hospital, I mean I thought you'd still be there now," she took a sip of her coffee, one arm around her middle as she leaned back against the counter, watching him out bagels on to plates.
"You're going away for at least two weeks and you thought that was the goodbye?" he chuckled softly, "Come on, breakfast in bed."
An incredulous laugh escaped her lips as she followed him through into the bedroom where he was taking the bagels, and he kicked off his shoes before sitting on the bed. She moved to sit cross legged beside him, still holding her coffee.
"Why do you have that look on your face?" he asked, balancing the plate of bagels on his knee before taking her coffee from her to place on the bedside table.
"What look?" she asked as she picked up half a bagel.
"The very confused look," he said as he did the same.
"Probably because I'm confused," she laughed slightly as she took a bite.
"I figured I'd give you a ride to the airport, that's something that people who are dating do," he pointed out, nudging her gently.
"Is it? That sounds like more of a serious relationship thing to do," she grinned slightly, covering her mouth as she ate more of the bagel.
"It's definitely something that friends do," he nodded, eating his own.
"Friends... who are dating?" she raised an eyebrow at him.
"Exactly," he grinned at her, his free arm moving around her waist.
"You're also far too happy after a night shift," she shook her head as she leaned against him.
"I had a successful surgery, made me feel optimistic," he released a happy sigh as he pressed a kiss against her temple.
"I'm glad," she laughed softly, finishing off her bagel.
"What time's your flight?" he asked, moving the plate to the side table.
"I need to leave in two hours," she said, resting her head on his shoulder.
"What do you need to do before you leave?" he pulled her closer against him, kissing the top of her head again.
"Hmm, I haven't finished packing and I could do with a shower because I'm pretty sure I still smell like tequila," she sighed softly as she turned to straddle his waist, weaving her fingers through his hair as his hands moved over her thighs.
"I mean, kind of, yeah," he chuckled as he brushed his lips over her throat.
"Then I definitely need to shower," she groaned slightly, tilting her head to the side, "It's a twelve hour flight that I'm going to feel gross after anyway."
"You know, I could do with a shower too," he smirked as he drifted his lips over her jawline, his hands untying her robe.
"I don't have..."
"Don't you dare tell me you don't have time," he groaned as his lips found hers in a slow kiss.
Suddenly, he lifted her up off the bed and she squealed slightly, wrapping her legs around his waist as he took her into the bathroom. Her hand gripped on to his shoulders as he pressed her up against the wall, her robe falling down her shoulders.
"Have you got time?" he murmured, his lips moving over her neck.
"Yes, God, yes."
****
"I'm really going to miss you," he murmured against her neck, his arms wrapped around her from behind as she stood in front of the mirror.
"You really shouldn't," she sighed softly, turning in his arms to face him.
"I don't think it's something I can control," he chuckled slightly, pressing his lips to hers a moment with a murmur, "I'm pretty sure I'm falling for you, Meredith Grey."
"I... Derek," she looked up at him, frowning slightly, "You can't."
"Why not? Why would that be so terrible?"
"Because... I'm damaged, and I have baggage, you don't... I'm never around, and my mom is your boss. You think you're falling for me, but you're not, you can't be," she shook her head slightly, taking a step back out of his arms.
"Stop," he sighed, reaching his hand towards her, "I'm not asking for a big, huge commitment, I just... I wanted you to know how I feel. And all the scary, damaged talk, if you want to tell me about it, tell me when you're ready. You're not the only scary and damaged one."
"I don't want to promise you anything I'm not capable of giving," she lowered her gaze as their fingers laced together.
"I'm not asking for promises," he lifted his free hand to cup her cheek, pressing a kiss to her forehead, "I just want us to try."
"We should... we should talk more when I get back," she murmured, closing her eyes as his lips lingered against her forehead.
"Okay, I just wanted you to know my feelings, that's all," he whispered, pressing his lips against hers for a prolonged moment.
"I... I like you. I really do like you, and this all feels really big," she laughed slightly, squeezing his hand in hers.
"Good, so we're on the same page," he grinned, his forehead touching hers as his thumb caressed her cheek.
"We should get going, I don't want to miss my flight," she released his hand, moving her arms around his neck and pulling herself against him in a hug.
"We've got some time, don't worry," he murmured as he buried her face in her neck, his arm moving tight around her middle.
His hold was warm, and it felt safe, and she didn't want to let go. She didn't want him to let go, either. But as she was well aware of, all good things must come to an end, and it was probably time that this good thing finished.
****
"Thank you, for the ride," she said as she grabbed her suitcase off the backseat.
"Will you let me know when you land?" he asked, his hand running over her arm.
"I... I'll text you, when I land," she nodded, pressing her lips together a moment, her hand gripping the handle of the suitcase.
"Can I call you?"
"Don't... I mean, I can't... I'm not asking you to wait for me, but you might not hear from me until I'm back."
"I know the time zones are bad," he started but she cut him off.
"That's not what I mean," she shook her head, "I mean, I'm uncontactable for the next week and a half at least."
"Why?" he frowned slightly.
"Because it's kind of like a holiday," she shrugged, "if there's an emergency there's people who can contact me but that is a very short list."
"Can I be added to that list?"
"Right now... no. Which isn't... I don't want you to take offence."
"I'm not offended," he shook his head, gently squeezing her hand, "So, you're going on holiday?"
"It's not a holiday it's just... I work a lot. I don't stop working, or travelling, or being called or getting emails, so I turn off my phone and it's just a week or so to turn off," she tried to explain, and didn't really think she was doing that good a job of it without revealing the real reason she was practically running away for over a week.
"That's literally the definition of a holiday," he chuckled.
"It's just... it's different. And I have to go or I'll miss my flight," she said as she lowered her gaze, starting to turn around to grab her suitcase.
"You're pulling away from me, Meredith," he sighed, gently pulling her hand to bring her closer to him.
"I... I have to go," she didn't meet his gaze, watching two people hugging goodbye near the entrance to the airport.
"If you need space over the next week, that's fine, just... call me when you get back, or just message me to let me know you're back, okay?" his lips pressed against her forehead, squeezing her hand again.
"I'll try," she smiled with a nod, looking up at him again.
"Can I kiss you goodbye?" he asked, stepping closer to her.
"Yeah," she whispered, her hand resting on his shoulder as he released it, sliding his arm around her waist.
He pressed his lips against hers, his other hand tangling in her hair as she returned his kiss. Part of her didn't want to separate from him, but she knew she had to. She pressed her lips more firmly against his for a moment before pulling back with a soft gasp, catching her breath.
"I'll see you soon," he murmured, pushing her hair behind her ear.
"Goodbye, Derek," she whispered before pulling back from him and taking the handle of her suitcase.
She turned away from him as she walked into the airport, pulling the suitcase behind her. She has fun with him, she couldn't deny that they had fun together, and she enjoyed being around him and he made her feel... he made her feel something she had long thought she wasn't able to feel. He deserved so much better than her. He deserved someone better that could give him everything. She didn't deserve him.
****
She finally made it to the hotel, with the time zone change and length of the flight it was already early afternoon on Monday, and she was exhausted. She'd slept a bit on the plane but she already struggled to sleep any this time of year. She set the suitcase on the bed before unzipping it and taking it the photo album, taking it with her as she kicked off her shoes and climbed under the duvet.
Tomorrow was his birthday. His third birthday and he wasn't here, because he'd passed away four days after he was born. Four days, that's all he'd had after she'd gone into labour at only 24 weeks. His survival rate had been 60%, which had seemed hopeful at the time, but the number of complications, the pain he would have been in. She'd had to make that decision. She'd had to make that decision alone.
And so, during this week every year since, she'd spent it alone. Not many people knew about her baby. Ellis, Richard and Maggie knew. Cristina knew. Addison knew, she'd been the on-call OBGYN when Meredith had been rushed into the hospital.
Brian knew, of course, but he hadn't been there. She'd sat beside her baby for almost four days, and he didn't turn up until it was too late, until she'd already made the decision. He wasn't there, and she couldn't ever forgive him for that. They were supposed to be a family, but she'd failed to keep their son safe, and he refused to be around her. He buried himself in work and left her to grieve alone. He was the only person in the world who could even begin to understand the pain she had been in, that she was still in. He messaged her every other month, probably out of courtesy than any genuine concern, but that was it.
She'd ended the relationship. Four months after Noah died, she'd ended it. She couldn't do it anymore. The silence, the avoiding, the pain. It had all just become too much and they'd become broken beyond repair. She'd tried. She'd moved in with him in Sacramento, she stopped travelling, and worked at the nearby hospital, but in the end she couldn't keep going. So, she moved back to Seattle, back into her flat and started travelling again. Always on the move, never stopping, apart from this one week every year.
She turned the pages of the album slowly, tears streaming down her cheeks as she sat up in the bed. Soft sobs escaped her lips as her finger outlined the picture of her son's tiny body. She let herself feel the pain of his loss, the stabbing pain in her chest that just overwhelmed her sometimes, like it had the other day in the on-call room with Derek. He had been able to calm her, and she tried to not think about what that meant. She couldn't. This week wasn't about anything else, it was about Noah. And anyone who says it gets easier, well they're all liars.
She closed the album, setting it carefully on the side table as she felt the sobs taking over her whole being. She pulled the duvet up close, wrapping her arms around herself as she curled up, not willing to move from her spot for as long as possible as she continued to cry it out.
It was like she was reliving the pain of it all over again, every minute, every second. Her mind replayed his final minutes in her mind, holding the impossibly small baby close to her chest as he took his final breaths.
Sleep. Sleep was probably the best idea. It would shut her brain off for at least a couple of hours until she woke up crying again. She just needed to get to sleep first. It's the only idea she had that could help. She didn't have anyone to talk to. She didn't have anyone to hold her, tell her it was all going to be okay. She sometimes wondered if all the pain was really worth it anymore.