CHAPTER ELEVEN- Lesson Plans
Renee's absence was odd at first. After Xavion's big reveal, I was expecting her to show up at the door with holy water and crosses. Oddly, she never did.
Without Renee coming around, Grant was getting too comfortable with spending most of his days pants-less. I spent most of my human lessons of the past week trying not to make direct eye-contact with his tight boxer-briefs. Because Grant was worried about the whole "Crazy Catholic Situation," I wasn't supposed to be leaving the house.
It was honestly some major bull, but his concerns were justified I suppose. If anything, Xavion was more bent out of shape about Grant's new cautions than I was. Apparently, he couldn't give me my "first radtastic demon lesson" unless we were outside of the apartment.
"For the last time, it isn't safe." I heard Grant say for the umpteenth time , sounding exasperated.
Xavion groaned, "But we really need to get jump-started on his lessons! Now that the annoying chick is gone, I'll be able to make some real progress on the angel."
Grant made grumbling noises as I heard them coming down the hallway, making their way to me. I was sitting on the couch, which was really the only thing in the apartment that felt like mine. I was relaxed against it, waiting for Grant to be ready for today's lesson.
"How about instead of whatever boring shit you have planned for today, you'll let me take the angel out for a spin?"
"Ishmael is not a car." Grant scoffed. "And my plans are not boring. Today I was going to show him how to do taxes."
"Do you hear yourself? You just told me that taxes weren't boring." They finally made their way into the living area, coming out of the hallway and glancing at me. Xavion grinned. "Ishy-poo, would you rather have a boring, dumb time with this absolute loser?" He asked, pointing his thumb to Grant. "Or do ya want to go have a fun time with me?"
I didn't trust the mischievous glint in his eyes. I narrowed mine. "What does 'fun' entail?"
"Heroine."
"No!"
"I'm kidding!" Xavion chuckled, throwing his arms up in defense. "But, we did make a deal and time's a-ticking for you to start your lessons."
I scoffed and leaned back. "I don't care about your dumb deeeeal." I whined, "I want to learn about taxes. Sounds fun!"
Grant smirked. "See?" He mocked Xav. He gestured to me to follow. "It's pretty simple, Ishmael. First, you need to find out if you need to file. Then, you'll need to gather the documents you'll need-- whether that be a W-2, 1099, or whatever else. Let's say you just want to go for a standardized deduction. In which case, you--"
........
Grant's tax-talk bored me half to death, so now I was sitting in a chair and listening to Xavion rant and rave about the different sins and the best ways to commit them.
"Technically," he stressed, "if you angrily masturbate to a picture of another guy's money and jizz in your mouth... as long as you take pride in it... you've committed all the sins once." Xavion crossed his arms, looking awfully cocky. "It's my morning routine."
I frowned as he pulled up a picture of a man holding a stack of money.
"Now-- the first time is quite difficult, but--"
"I'm going back to learning about taxes," I grumbled and stood up to go to get Grant.
..............
"Let's say you had large, out-of-pocket medical and dental expenses, paid mortgage interest on your home, had large uninsured losses, or made large contributions to qualified charities... it may be worthwhile to itemize your deductions and determine whether they amount to more than the standard deduction you qualify for."
I bowed my head. "Grant, I hate to say this, but I'd rather awkwardly pleasure myself in front of Xavion than hear another word out of your mouth."
"You'd rather what?" He exclaimed.
I stood up and made my way back to the living room where Xavion was without bothering with an answer.
..............
"If you do this exercise every morning, you're bound to start to understand each sin in their complexity."
"Okay, I understand how doing that encompasses greed, wrath, lust, pride, gluttony, and envy. But what about sloth?" Grant inquires. He was concerned about what Xavion was teaching me and decided to accompany me to the lesson.
I blinked, "That's a good point."
Xavion smirked. "You're too lazy to actually do anything about acquiring the money."
"But all of that seems like a lot of work." I pointed out.
Xavion crossed his arms. "Grant, you can sit in on my lesson if you want to productively learn. However, do not make my pupil doubt me."
Grant threw his hands in the air. "I'm curious!"
I crossed my arms. "Can't I start off small, just committing regular ole' sins?" I inquired. "Personally, I just think it'll be an easier transition for me."
Grant nodded, "I agree. That's why learning how to properly file is so important." He stood up from his spot on the couch and gestured for Xavion to sit. Xavion rolled his eyes but obeyed nonetheless.
In front of us both, Grant started teaching again. "Taxes are important to understand because--"
"I don't even do my taxes." Xavion cut him off in a scoff. "You shouldn't either, Ishy-Ish-Ish."
"Xavion!" Grant chided. "Tax evasion is illegal!"
"Uh, duh. That's, like, the whole point. Ish-pie Honeysuckle, if you don't think taxes are fun... I've got a cheat code: don't do them.''
I frowned. "Grant just said that's illegal."
"Tax evasion is illegal. But if you never plan on doing it... that's just tax not-doing. It's not evasion."
Grant rolled his eyes. "Evasion literally means evading doing something."
"I'm not evading, I'm avoiding. So, it's fine." Xavion said matter-of-factly. "Am I right, Ish-Ish 360 no-scope thicc ass the third?"
"What's with the weird nicknames?" I asked, scrunching up my nose. "I don't even know what any of that means."
"You don't even know the difference between evade and avoid!" Grant scoffed, crossing his arms.
Xavion scoffed back. "Yeah I do."
"Do not."
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"I do!"
"Then what is it?' Grant asked, raising an eyebrow. "Hm?"
Xavion shrugged. "Evading is illegally not doing your taxes and avoiding is legally not doing your taxes."
"That's wrong."
Xavion flippantly threw his hands in the air. "Oh, okay then! What do they mean, smart guy?" He sarcastically sneered. Snarcasm.
"I don't know! But I know enough to know that that's not the answer!"
I shrunk back into the couch. "Isn't there some sort of all-knower that can fix this dispute? In Heaven, we had Bill. He was a weird guy, but he was always able to give us good sources and information--"
"Google." Xavion and Grant muttered at the same time. Grant whipped out his phone and started to use it. Phones were very complex things I still didn't understand much.
"A-ha!" Grant exclaimed. "Google says that 'evade is to get away from by artifice; to avoid by dexterity, subterfuge, address, or ingenuity!"
Xavion blinked. "Wanna try English, bud?"
Grant rolled his eyes and started to type again. "Artifice means 'clever or cunning devices or expedients, especially as used to trick or deceive others'." He said cockily.
"So... basically what I'm hearing is-- evading is getting out of shit by tricking people big-brain style?"
"Kinda?" Grant shrugged. "And I guess avoiding would be... like... dodging out of the way or something."
"If I throw my taxes in the air and don't let them hit me..." Xavion trailed off and smirked. "I can legally not do my taxes."
Grant sighed. "In a round-about way, that's just evading because you're being big-brain to do it. Look-- end of the line-- do your taxes, Ishmael."
"Ish-terminator bitchmael twinkle-toes can do whatever he wants. If that 'whatever' is tax evasion, I'll still support him." Xavion reached over to squeeze my shoulder. "But I'll support him even more if we were committing all the seven deadly sins at once while doing it!" He launched out of the couch and shoved Grant into the spot he was just sitting. "Back to my lesson!"
"I didn't even get to talk about taxes!" Grant protested.
I sighed. "I feel like we should schedule these lessons better because I'm starting to get confused. Is doing your taxes sinning?"
"No." Grant sighed.
Xavion clicked his tongue. "I'm actually offended that you would imply that." He crossed his arms. "Taxes are the opposite of sinning. Sinning is good, taxes are bad."
Grant stood. "Okay, how about... I have Ishmael on weekdays and you have him on weekends?"
"What am I? The sad, divorced father?" Xavion scoffed. "I'll have him Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays. You take him Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays. And he can have Thursday to himself."
A day to myself? What would I teach myself? Is it possible to teach yourself?
Grant rolled his eyes. "Fine."
Xavion raised an eyebrow. "It's a Saturday, so scram." He shooed him away.
After huffing and rolling his eyes, Grant finally stood up and left. I frowned after him before turning back to Xavion. "That's something that's been confusing me. Fries-day, Saturn-day, Hens-day... what exactly does it mean?"
Xavion shook his head. "Hold that thought until your lesson with Grant on Monday. That's a very human-lesson question."
"O-Okay... but when exactly is Moon-day?"
"Monday." Xavion corrected.
I frowned and tried to repeat it slowly. "Munday."
"Monday."
"Monday."
"Good job!" Xavion clapped.
I blinked at him for a moment before repeating myself. "When is it?"
"Oh, that's on Monday." He waved off. "Anyway, we got a lot more about the sins to cover!" He went off in a rant to go deep into the workings of each sin.
It's like he didn't know I was an angel. I knew everything about the deadly sins and how to avoid them... or evade them? That conversation was confusing. Either way-- by extension, I already figured that doing the opposite would be a good method of learning how to sin.
Xavion grinned. "Now, it's time to go over the ten commandments!"
"Oh!" I straightened, "I know those! I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any strange gods before me. Thou shalt not take the name--"
"No, no, no, Ishy-doo-doo. The Demon Ten Commandments of Remaining Radically Rad."
I leaned back. "I can't say I'm familiar."
Xavion grinned wildly. "One: God's a little bitch. Believe in anything but Him."
I blew out a breath. "Oh my." I can tell this list is going to darken my soul just by listening to it.
"Two: Thou shalt only use God's name in a vain way.
"Three: Never remember to keep the Sabbath day holy.
"Four: fuck thy mother and thy father.
"Five: Thou murder? Yes.
"Six: Thou adultery? Fuck yes.
"Seven: If you steal it, it's now yours. That's just simple math.
"Eight: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
"Nine: Go ahead and have sex dreams with Nancy all you want.
"And--finally--Ten: Thou shalt not covet your neighbor's goods? Thou shall just steal them. Now they're your goods. Any questions?"
"Yeah, I'm wondering why the eighth commandant is the same as God's ten commandments."
"Because snitches get stitches, of course." He shrugged.
The rest of the lesson dragged on. He started talking about "demon history," which mostly just covered a lot of torture devices that made me feel queasy as he described them. By the time the day was over, my brain felt numb from all the new and random information.
I really hope that Monday is tomorrow.