hey guys!!! reminder im posting TWO chapters right now! so don't forget to read the epilogue!
Jungkook let out a near childish whine as the persistent hands shook him awake. He reached out to bat them away, desperately wanting to enjoy his last couple hours of sleep. It was Christmas which meant no classes, no gym and no waking up early. His hand was caught mid air and he lifted his head sleepily, cracking his eyes open to see an offended looking Taehyung.
"Why are you awake?" He mumbled out, throat scratchy and voice deep with sleep.
Taehyung excitedly leaped onto the bed, ignoring the loud groan of protest Jungkook expressed as he curled around his younger friend, shaking him frantically. "It's Christmas, Kookie!"
Christmas was Taehyung's favorite holiday. Not only did it start the countdown to his birthday, but he loved to gush about the fond holiday memories he shared with his family growing up. Jungkook really wanted to say that he hadn't been raised christian, and therefore didn't celebrate the holiday, so he should still be asleep. But this was the first year Taehyung was spending the holiday and his birthday away from his family, for his grandmother wasn't around anymore and his parents were choosing to have a couples getaway. He had insisted to his parents that it was okay, but Jungkook knew how much his family meant to him.
Which is why he plastered on a fake smile and grabbed Taehyung by the neck, pulling him into a wrestling match until they both fell to the floor panting.
"We have the whole day until Seokjin's party. What would you like to do with your Christmas, Tae?" He teased and yelped when he was met with an elbow to the ribs.
"That's hyung to you," Taehyung replied with no bite before he sat up and jumped to his feet, dashing down the hall. Jungkook didn't bother chasing after, knowing if he waited long enough that his friend would come back.
As if turned out, he hadn't needed to wait long at all before Taehyung came back, sitting down on the floor by Jungkook's head. In his hand was a large, wrapped rectangle. Immediately he recognized it as a canvas, already grinning when Taehyung handed it to him.
"You didn't have to get me a gift, you know I don't celebrate Christmas," he said shyly and his roommate rolled his brown, puppylike eyes.
"Oh stop it, that's my favorite part of the holiday. It's nothing special, I swear."
Jungkook wanted to disagree, to say that any gift was special. But he felt shy doing so. He struggled accepting gifts, his family never having the money to give them to him anyways. He couldn't help but think of all the better ways for people to spend their money, rather than on him. But he could handle a painting as long as Taehyung made it and hadn't bought it. The man had expensive tastes when it came to art and if he purchased it, Jungkook knew it would cost a hefty amount.
Of course, his best friends knew him well. He relaxed as he tore the edge of the wrapping paper and saw Taehyung's own initials in paint, looking up to give his friend a smile before he went back to uncovering the canvas.
In vibrant colors was an oil painting of Jungkook and Taehyung. He recognized the scene from a picture that was taken of both of them when they first moved in together. Taehyung's mom had crowded them into a corner with their arms wrapped around each other. They hadn't even known each other for a week at that point, but you couldn't tell that by how close they were in the photo. Jungkook took in a sharp breath as his fingertips traced over the delicate lines and looked up at his best friend with watery eyes. Taehyung himself had tears gathering at the corners and the two men instantly reached out for each other, grappling for purchase on each other's clothes as they held one another.
"I love it," Jungkook murmured, and Taehyung let out a watery laugh.
"Good. I had to restart twice."
It's a quiet morning, between the two. To make up for forgetting a gift, Jungkook cooks breakfast. He also makes Taehyung a latte, milky and sweet, just the way he likes it. Jungkook tries not to cringe at him as he drinks his own mug of black coffee. Jungkook was jealous that Taehyung had something like this, not that he wanted to be christian, or didn't have his own holidays, he had just paid attention to each and every story Taehyung had told him about Christmas.
He told Jungkook about how his grandmother would let him help cook all the dishes for Christmas dinner, and how his parents would go on their Christmas date during that time. He had shown Jungkook all of the handmade gifts he received from his younger siblings over the years, and taught him the songs they would sing in church on Christmas day. Those were the things that Jungkook was jealous of, because his family never had those kinds of memories. They had had good times together, of course, but a majority of the 'happy times' were only memorable because they were so rare to have in the middle of the overwhelming bad.
But now he had Taehyung, and even if this wasn't his holiday, this day would still be packed away with his other happy memories. He hoped the holiday party in the evening would do the same.
"You know we don't have to go right?" Taehyung finished buttoning up his lavender blouse, watching as Jungkook shoved his feet into his already tied boots. His expression was clearly exasperated, but rather than scolding him, he continued to speak. "We can just stay home, avoid everyone, and play video games. We haven't done that in a while."
It was an appealing thought, one old Jungkook would have gladly agreed to. In fact, any sort of Jungkook would still probably take a night in playing games over any sort of social gathering. But that wasn't why Taehyung was offering. He was offering because it was Seokjin's party, which meant that Jimin was invited. The same Jimin that Jungkook ultimately decided not to contact.
"No, I want to go." Jungkook ran a hand through his hair as he finally got his second boot on, his chest heaving slightly. "Seokjin-hyung already told me that he isn't coming. I guess he was leaving for Busan today. He's spending the new year with his family."
He was thankful that Jimin wasn't going. He didn't think Jimin would be rude, and he had no plans to be either. But he couldn't deny that after almost two months of radio silence, it would be awkward. He hoped Taehyung was right, that Jimin did in fact love him, and that Jungkook hadn't imagined all of the moments of tenderness that had felt so real. But he also didn't think he could ever put himself out there like that again. It had taken so much of himself to tell Jimin how he felt, and to have his feelings not only not reciprocated(which he had been prepared for) but denied (which he was not prepared for) had hurt him deep enough to not want to go through anything like that again.
Of course after he told Jimin to stay away, that ruined any chance of him coming back. Jimin respected him, never crossed any boundaries intentionally, he would never put himself into Jungkook's space if he said he didn't want him to. Which meant any chance of them talking again seemed unrealistic to hope for.
After he came to that conclusion, he no longer let himself mope around. What Taehyung told him had been enough to help Jungkook at least attempt to get better. He could try to live with the fact that he couldn't be with Jimin, especially if what he felt between the two of them was real. They really were the embodiment of 'right person, wrong time' and he could try to cope with that.
At least that's what he told himself.
Taehyung seemed surprised by this but nodded, sticking his hat on his head as he held the front door open for his friend. There was a light dusting of snow covering the ground outside, fluffy like powder in Taehyung's hands as he lifted some up to show Jungkook excitedly.
It sparkled under the soft glow of the street lights and even Jungkook had to agree that it was beautiful. The more pessimistic side of himself wanted to say it would be gray, icy sludge by the time the morning rush hour was over tomorrow but he refrained. Instead he tried his best to pack the fresh snow into a ball and toss it at his best friend across the parking lot. The snowball quickly fell apart mid-air, but Taehyung still screeched as he received a dust of the flurries blowing his way.
Jungkook rubbed his red hands together to warm them as Taehyung got in the car, wrapped head to toe in winter clothes and eyeing Jungkook's actions.
"Don't you have gloves?" He asked with a huff. Jungkook smiles sheepishly and shrugged, he had forgotten them inside. He didn't think it would have been this cold.
His friend groaned and looked around the car before his eyes lit up and reached into the backseat. In an instant Jungkook felt something hit his lap and Taehyung looked satisfied with himself, as if he'd solved all of Jungkook's issues. He looked down only to be met with the sight of Jimin's fluffy white hat that he had let him borrow the last time they were at Seokjin's together. The night that had been the start of the end.
He trailed his cold fingers over the soft fabric and ignored Taehyung's curious gaze until he knew that he was about to be asked why he was caressing a hat. He lifted it up and plopped it on top of his head, pulling out of the driveway before Taehyung actually could ask him. He didn't want to tell him it was the last piece of Jimin he had left, and he wanted to lie about it even less.
The drive to Seokjin and Namjoon's apartment was quiet, Taehyung decided to play Christmas music on the way. Jungkook knew that Seokjin would be playing the same all night, but he liked the fond bobble of Taehyung's head as he sang along under his breath.
They could hear the sound of said music in the hall leading up to their apartment, and Jungkook was bewildered at how no one had complained yet. For such a luxurious place, they didn't seem to file many noise complaints. Jungkook even considered whether or not the couple rented out the entire floor, when he voiced his theory even Taehyung seemed to think it over after he bursted into laughter.
He only had to knock once before the door opened and a red faced Namjoon greeted them. He smelled of alcohol and peppermint as he grabbed Jungkook by the shoulders, his strong arms lifting the younger man up despite the shouts of protest.
"Kook-ah! Taehyungie! I'm so happy that you made it," he gushed. His dark brown eyes were glassy and Taehyung laughed even louder at his appearance as he finally got a good look at him.
"Are you drunk already? Seokjin-hyung better lock you up before you strangle poor Jungkook to death," he said with a snort before he gave Namjoon a hug of his own, pulling away before he could be lifted up as well.
Jungkook quickly fixed his hair and bent down to grab the white hat off the floor where it fell. Namjoon looked down and his eyes seemed to widen at the sight. His lips parted to say something before they slowly shut, shaking his head at himself as he helped the younger out of his coat and hung it up.
"I didn't hurt you, did I?" Namjoon frowned at the possibility and his gaze lingered as he looked the man up and down, as if he would be able to see if he had. Jungkook shook his head with a smile and leaned in to press a kiss to his cheek.
"No, Joonie-Hyung, you're a gentle giant." Namjoon's face turned even more pink at the reassurance, his hand gently touching his cheek that received the kiss and nodded.
Jungkook slipped off his boots(with the laces still tied, of course) and set them by the door before he ventured into the apartment. It wasn't as crowded as he had been expecting, considering Seokjin's large social circle. There were even a few faces he recognized from Persona, though they were dressed vanilla and much more inconspicuous.
Seokjin of course was draped across his velvet sofa, a dark drink in his hand. His cheeks were stained pink, much like Namjoon's and a santa hat sat crooked on his head. He seemed to be listening intently to a woman who was sitting on another sofa with Yoongi. Jungkook recognized her to be a woman that had played with Hoseok a few times at the club. Yoongi looked up, giving Jungkook a gummy smile and waving him over.
"Hello, my little prince. Come sit with your hyungs," he beckoned and Jungkook flushed when a few curious gazes met his own. He stared down at his socks as he shuffled across the room to stand by where Yoongi sat.
"Hyung, are you drunk too?" Jungkook questioned, his eyes narrowing in appraisal. Yoongi seemed amused by this, taking another large swig of his beer.
"Of course I am, it's Christmas."
Seokjin glanced over at them and a wide smile covered his face as he leaned over the coffee table to grab at Jungkook's wrist. He nearly fell off the sofa in doing so, his amber colored drink sloshing in the glass. The youngest man quickly stepped around the table and went to go by his eldest hyung, not wanting to help clean any alcohol stains.
Once he was safely within reach, Seokjin grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into his lap. Jungkook's cheeks burned with embarrassment as he heard a few chuckles from around the room. Soon enough though, Seokjin was rubbing his back gently with his free hand and shook his head.
"No one here is going to judge you for sitting in my lap, you should have seen the show Namjoon and I gave everyone last year."
"Namjoon gave Seokjin a strip tease to 'Santa Baby' if that helps you picture it," Yoongi commented from the other side of the room, grinning even harder when he received a scolding sneer from the older man.
"Don't listen to him." Seokjin set his glass on the coaster so he could turn to face the woman he was previously talking to earlier and squeezed Jungkook's side. "Jiwoo this is my littlest one, Jungkook."
"Nice to meet you, Jiwoo-ssi," he said shyly, curling in more on Seokjin. His body chased a feeling of familiarity now that he was tasked with speaking to someone new. It wasn't as comforting as when Jimin held him, how the man would shield Jungkook away was less casual than how Seokjin was holding him, but it would do for now.
"It's nice to meet you too. You can call me Noona," she granted him with a smile and took a sip of her wine before he turned back and began conversing with Yoongi again, causing Jungkook to relax slightly once the attention was off of him.
Soon enough though, the sadness creeped up on Jungkook. It was a common feeling that he knew would curl around him eventually. As everyone participated in their own conversations and activities, Jungkook couldn't help but feel left out. Of course everyone tried to get him involved, Seokjin and Yoongi always helped include him in the conversation, Hoseok got him to dance for a few songs and Taehyung and Namjoon and Taehyung asked for help decorating the cookies. But it felt like Jungkook was just watching the night unfold as he did things, he didn't feel like he was actually even there.
Jungkook found his way to the bathroom, thankful when he saw it was unoccupied and braced his hands on the sink as he stared at himself in the mirror. His reflection didn't even look like him. Physically he was the same, but he felt so different. He felt wrong. Like he was playing a part, and no one even noticed. Jimin would have noticed, had he been there. If they were alright, he would have cuddled up to Jungkook's side and asked him if he wanted to ditch everyone a half an hour ago. He could have curled up with two mugs of hot cocoa and talked about it til his throat was sore and his feelings were out on the table. Jimin would give him that soft, kind smile and used that sweet voice to say "Baby, I understand. And everything is going to be okay." and Jungkook would have believed him.
But Jimin wasn't there, and they weren't okay.
Jungkook shook his head and leaned down to splash cold water onto his face, willing himself to snap out of it. He had always been able to cope on his own before Jimin, but now he couldn't fathom how he did it. He just felt so alone for the first time, after Jimin he never wanted to return to that.
At a knock on the door, he jumped and cursed. He dried off his hands and shot the person waiting with an apologetic smile as he stepped out of the restroom. Once the door was shut he rolled his neck in a circle a few times before shaking out his shoulders and plastering on a fake grin. He decided to go find Taehyung, who last he saw was in the kitchen. After being found nowhere else Jungkook decided to follow the sound of Namjoon's laughter only to pause in the doorway of the kitchen.
At the counters was Taehyung holding a piping bag filled with frosting as he decorated a cookie. Namjoon was standing beside him, only in one hand he held a beer and his other arm was thrown drunkenly over Jimin's shoulders. Jimin, who was supposed to be out of town. He looked back in the direction of the living room where Seokjin was sitting and scowled. He had lied to Jungkook. Instantly the anger felt misplaced and Jungkook scrubbed over his face, frowning to himself. Seokjin would never lie about something like that, he couldn't jump to that conclusion. He was trying hard not to make assumptions, but it was hard when all his anxious thoughts turned into moments of low self esteem and paranoia.
Taehyung looked up and instantly Jungkook could see the regret and sympathy on his face. Sensing his gaze the other men looked up and Namjoon seemed to mirror his expression. Jimin, to Jungkook's horror, pushed Namjoon away and rushed up to him, his expression frantic.
"Jungkook, I swear I didn't know you'd be here. I was supposed to leave for Busan tonight but my parents thought it would be best if I came tomorrow morning and so I thought I'd surprise everyone and stop by. I should have considered that you would come but I know you don't like parties. I can leave if you want, I-"
"Stay. It's fine." The breathiness of his own voice surprised him, and the fact that he responded with anything other than tears seemed to surprise everyone else.
"Are you sure? I won't be offended." Which was definitely not true. Jimin was the closest thing to a saint that there was, but he was still human. He wouldn't make a fuss over it, but it had to hurt him. Just like it would hurt anyone else.
Maybe that's why Jungkook didn't go back on it, because hurting Jimin in any capacity seemed like the worst thing anyone could do. The younger man smiled and shook his head, not trusting his voice any longer. He simply stepped around him to go to Taehyung, who immediately curled a protective arm around his waist. Jimin's eyes dropped to the action, the tiniest twitch of his lips pointing downward before he masked it.
He looked good, like he always did. His brunette roots were growing in a bit more, Jungkook knew that he would make a salon appointment soon. He was dressed cozily, a pink sweater exposing his collarbones as it draped over his shoulders and a pair of jeans that fit his thighs snug enough that Jungkook had to remind himself not to stare.
Jimin didn't try to talk to him after that, he didn't even come near him. Part of Jungkook wished he could, wished that they could pretend none of the mess never happened. But Jimin would never do that, what they had was too serious to just pretend nothing had ever happened. It wasn't the first time Jungkook told him to stay away, but it was the first time he did so at the fault of Jimin. The blonde was so conscious of his own responsibility, Jungkook knew he'd never go against him.
Jungkook watched as the frosting smeared, frowning to himself as he attempted to fix the face on the snowman cookie. He had stupidly picked up one of the hot cookies that had just come out of the oven, making the frosting melt and mix with the other colors. Every effort he tried to make to fix the face just ended up worsening it, soon it looked like a mess and he sighed grumpily. He looked over at where Taehyung and Jimin were frosting their own cookies, which of course had been cooled down and looked lovely.
Hoseok popped his head in through the doorway and grinned before walking over, patting Namjoon's back as he did so. He jolted in surprise at the sight of Jimin, looking warily between him and Jungkook. The youngest raised his head and gave his hyung a reassuring smile. Hoseok didn't seem completely convinced that this was a good situation but seemed to pick up on Jungkook's desperate need to not talk about it. Instead, Hoseok wrapped an arm around Jungkook's shoulder and leaned in to look at all of their decorating skills, complimenting each man heavily.
Once he got to Jungkook's though, he laughed brightly and covered his mouth. Jungkook looked sheepishly down at the mess of frosting and cookie, huffing quietly.
"Jungkook-ah, what is that?" Hoseok asked through his giggles and the youngest scowled in return, watching as everyone looked over his shoulder to see his failure. He knew it was all in good fun, but his cheeks still burned bright red with embarrassment. The only one who didn't laugh even a little bit was Jimin. He had his plush lower lip tucked between his teeth as he looked at Jungkook thoughtfully.
"I like it," he announced, and Jungkook nearly flinched with surprise as he leaned over the table to grab the cookie, holding it up. Jimin didn't pay him any attention however, and inspected the cookie carefully, as if it actually was a work of art. "It's colorful, Taehyung and I made boring cookies."
Finally Jimin met Jungkook's eyes and gave him a wink as he lifted the cookie to his lips and bit into it. Jungkook knew that the overload of frosting probably didn't taste good, but Jimin didn't seem to mind.
"It tastes good, too." Jungkook knew that was a lie, everyone had to, but no one commented on it. The rest of the men seemed to be over the joke now, moving back on to decorating. Jungkook watched as Jimin set the cookie down and began working on his own again, the youngest man still bright red from the indirect interaction.
Even when they weren't okay Jimin seemed to always be looking out for him. Jungkook tried desperately to ignore the way his heart fluttered at the thought.
After that, Jungkook redeemed himself by making much better looking snowmen with the cookies that had cooled down. It felt childish to be sitting the the kitchen decorating cookies when a majority of the guests were walking around the vast apartment and mingling or dancing, or both. But no one in the room seemed to care, after all Namjoon and Taehyung had been going shot for shot, and even got Hoseok to involve himself in the game.
"But I'm driving~" He had whined as he downed his third shot and Namjoon laughed.
"Not anymore, you get to be Seokjin and I's little spoon for the night."
After that he seemed to accept his fate, and even out drank Taehyung. Hoseok goaded Jimin into dancing with him, the blonde sober but just as into having fun. Jungkook watched fondly as they twirled around the kitchen, managing to bump into any furniture in the room. On an abrupt fall back against the table, Jimin shouted as he landed on the floor, something shiny falling out of his pocket. Jungkook felt the air momentarily leave his lungs as Jimin rushed to pick it up and shove it back into his pants. He tried to play it off as casual but Jungkook already knew what he had seen.
Jimin hadn't been wearing the necklace Jungkook had given him, because he had it in his pocket. He didn't even think he was going to run into Jungkook, almost two months after they ended things and he was still holding onto it. It wasn't thrown away or collecting dust, it was with him. Jungkook couldn't describe the rush of emotion he felt as he watched the blonde stand up and continue his silly dance. His head turned to look at Taehyung, who seemed to not pick up on what had happened. Jungkook thought back to what he had said, that night they'd sat on Jungkook's floor together.
"I think anyone with eyes can see that he loves you."
Jimin pulled back from the dance, forehead glistening and leveled Taehyung with a look, who pushed Jungkook right into Hoseok's arms.
Jungkook let out a high pitched squeal as Hoseok spun him around and pushed him into various different motions until Jungkook stumbled back and caught himself on the doorway, Hoseok collapsing against his chest in laughter. The laughter ceased when Hoseok looked up and his eyes suddenly shined with mischief, Jungkook's own eyes widened as he looked up and saw the familiar plant hanging over them both.
"Mistletoe Jungkookie~ are you gonna give me a kiss?" He teased, grabbing Jungkook by the back of his neck with one hand and around his waist with the other.
Jungkook normally would just do it, knowing Hoseok was comfortable enough with his heterosexuality to kiss a boy in good fun. He also knew that no one at the party would care about him kissing a boy and that he enjoyed a good bit of attention. But still he looked back at his friends, Taehyung and Namjoon hanging onto each other as they awaited the cringy show of affection. Jimin seemed calmer however, a fond smile painted on his lips and he raised a brow at Jungkook when their eyes met.
He wasn't about to ask his ex-dom for permission to jokingly kiss his very straight friend but the longer he stared at the dom, he less sure he felt. That was all washed away however when Jimin dropped his playful expression and gave Jungkook a singular nod. Any hesitation left the youngest's body as he surged forward and pushed Hoseok against the opposite side of the doorframe. He pressed an enthusiastic kiss to his lips. The orange haired man's hands shot up into the hair and he kissed back for a second only to pull away, the two men falling into a heavy fit of giggles.
"I may have to join your club, sorry Taehyung but Jungkookie is hot ," Hoseok teased as he pretended to fan himself, only laughing harder when he received a light shove to the arm.
After that dramatic display Jungkook spent the rest of the night tucked under a tipsy Yoongi's arm. The dominant was oddly cuddly when he was drunk, Jungkook's hair was long ruined by his persistent petting and his cheek was still wet from the various kisses.
Taehyung had stumbled out of the bathroom after sometime, his eyes glassy and a frown on his face. Jungkook cursed to himself quietly as he jumped up, Taehyung had a habit of throwing up when he had too much to drink and it looked like that was exactly what had happened. He wrapped an arm around his friend's waist and helped him to the front door, granting Namjoon a smile when he helped wrap him in his coat.
"Are you two leaving?" He questioned and Jungkook gave him a sheepish confirmation. Jimin seemed to walk in from another room at that moment and jumped to help, quickly kneeling down to tie Taehyung's shoes. Jungkook felt torn at the sight, the tiniest part of him feeling jealous over the caring action.
"Oh!" Jungkook exclaimed, digging into his deep pocket and grabbing the white, fluffy hat. He held it out for Jimin to take once the man stood up but a strange expression crossed his face.
"Keep it," he said quietly, pushing Jungkook's hand back. "It's cold outside."
The brunette tried not to acknowledge the flood of warmth he felt surge through him at the fact that Jimin cared about him being warm. He wanted to do as told, to keep it and wear it forever, but that would just be another thing of Jimin to hold onto. That wasn't right, he had to move on, for everyone's sake.
So he persistently held out the hat until Jimin's expression turned into a much sadder one and he grabbed it. The heartbreak on his face was enough to make Jungkook want to drop the act and run into his arms. As hard as he tried to forget the love he felt for him, it was still there. Jimin was still his ray of light in the overwhelming darkness that no one understood.
Jungkook didn't have to try, he didn't have to fake it with him. He was never too much, never too damaged. Jimin didn't try to fix him, or insist that he fix himself, because he didn't think Jungkook was broken.
Here he was, face to face with him, the perfect opportunity to say fuck the past and please love me. But he couldn't, after what had happened, he was too fragile to possibly be rejected again. He hoped that Taehyung was right, that Jimin loved him, but he was too scared to try to find out.
Jungkook raised his hand to wave at everyone as he helped get Taehyung out the door. Jimin's hands twitched by his side as if he wanted to reach out but he stayed put, his expression sad and defeated under the dim lights. Jungkook ignored the painful twist of his heart as he was able to get outside, the cold biting at his cheeks. It seemed as though the farther he grew from Jimin, the more the tears began to threaten his eyes.
Taehyung had managed to walk on his own after that, twirling clumsily despite Jungkook's protests. He made no issue to argue however when Jungkook buckled him into the passenger seat, a plastic bag in his lap from the backseat to ensure that the already worn upholstery of Jungkook's car would be safe.
As Jungkook came around the back of the car he had to stop, looking up at the sky as he blinked back tears and bit his lip harshly to keep in the sob that pushed its way up his throat. He didn't want to worry Taehyung. Too focused on his own emotional control, he didn't even notice the crunch of footsteps on snow behind him and let out a loud gasp when a hand grabbed at his arm and spun him around.
Jimin stood in front of him shyly, tears gathering in his own eyes as he held out the hat helplessly. Jungkook had never seen him look so small before. He seemed so fragile, vulnerable, in front of Jungkook. Snowflakes gathered in his blonde hair like a halo as he looked up at him.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't let you go without telling you how sorry I am," he explained, his voice wobbling with emotion.
"Jimin, we don't have to do this." Jungkook tried his best to sound firm, but instead it came out just as shaky and sad.
"I do!" Jimin cried, his hands being thrown up in the air dramatically before he looked up at Jungkook's now wide eyes and schooled his face back into a more calm expression.
"Jungkook," he whispered, leaning forward as if he wanted to reach out and touch him, but he resisted. "I was so terrible to you. I regretted it the second that I left. But I wanted to obey your words. Tonight when I saw you I told myself that I would leave you alone, but I couldn't let you go without you knowing that I was sorry."
His voice was utterly wrecked, tears freely falling from his face and Jungkook startled at the sight, it felt so wrong to see Jimin upset like this. He wanted nothing more than to hold him in his arms and reassure him like Jimin had a million times.
"Jimin, I've run away from you so many times-"
"No, Jungkook," he said firmly, despite his distraught appearance. He wiped his tears and shook his head. "I was a coward, I didn't just run. I invalidated your feelings, I can't imagine how hard it was for you to open up to me like that and I just shut you down."
Jungkook flinched at his words, the reminder of the pain he felt in that moment only serving to make him sadder. Jungkook looked down at his feet, watching as a tear hit the leather of his boot. When he was by himself it was easy to pretend that it had all been some sort of bad dream, he was able to ignore his past with Jimin all together. But here he was in front of him, forcing him to acknowledge his mistakes and allow him to take accountability for them.
"I was just so scared," Jimin said, the fragility in his voice audible as Jungkook's head snapped up to meet his gaze. "Jungkook I had come to terms with the fact that no one would really be happy in a relationship with me, and that I was useless with them. But I was a good dom, and as long as you knew that you wanted me as a dom, I could give you that."
"You deserve the best, Kook-ah.." he trailed off, sniffling as he looked deep into Jungkook's eyes. "I can be the best dom, I can try my best to do that for you. But I told you that I'd be an awful boyfriend for you.. The only reason that seemed logical for you to care about me in that way was if you thought that our dynamic as sub and dom was what a relationship with me would be like. 'Jimin-Hyung' always knows what to say, what to do, he doesn't have any baggage...But I do. I'm a piece of work, even if I try to be a good boyfriend."
Jungkook opened his mouth to speak, to say that it didn't matter. No one knew how much baggage Jungkook had more than Jimin, that was something they could work through as a team. Jimin raised a hand though, signaling that he wasn't finished speaking and Jungkook obediently closed his mouth.
"I'm not here to deny your feelings again, if you say that you have feelings for me..." He trailed off again, his voice sounding puzzled. "Then I believe you, and I'm sorry for saying that you didn't. It was just all that made sense to me, in the moment. But I'm not here to make excuses. I just wanted to give you an explanation and an apology."
He suddenly went silent, chewing on his lower lip intently as he stared down at Jungkook's cold hands. "Don't you have gloves?"
Jungkook jolted at the random question and frowned, bringing his red knuckled hands to his chest. "I forgot them at home."
Jimin seemed to want to reach out once again but stopped himself and nodded, wiping his eyes furiously as he gave Jungkook a sad smile.
"I'm sorry, again. I acted so selfishly and childishly. I was just scared because being with you means potentially losing you and I love you so fucking much and-"
Jungkook felt his chest flood with warmth at the words, his jaw actually dropping in shock. He had theorized Jimin loving him in a million different scenarios since they met, but to hear it felt like something else entirely. He couldn't stop the sudden tears that flooded his eyes, watching as Jimin instantly grew concerned. Before the blonde could say anything Jungkook rushed forward and grabbed him with a hand on either side of his face before pressing their lips together intently. Jimin kissed back instantly, his hands grasping at the other's tiny waist. The two held onto each other for dear life it seemed.
"Jungkook what-" Jimin said breathless once they finally parted.
"Say it again," Jungkook interrupted, a wide grin on his face as he brushed his thumb over his cheekbone. "Tell me you love me."
Understanding seemed to pass over the older man's face, his expression a mix of fondness, sadness and pure adoration. He pulled him impossibly closer as he began to smile himself, a tear falling from his eye. "I love you."
Jungkook closed his eyes at that, finally relaxing into the firm hold around him. It was as if he was a puppet with all of the strings cut, any remaining tension flooding out of his body the longer Jimin held him.
"Of course I love you," Jimin continued, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek.
"I love you," he whispered and pressed another kiss to his jaw.
"I love you." A kiss to his neck.
"I love you." A kiss just below his ear, this time his voice was in a whisper.
"I have always loved you," he swore fiercely, leaning in to give Jungkook one last lingering kiss to his pouty lips.
Jungkook could hardly contain himself once he got home. After Taehyung was tucked into bed(already sleepy, having drifted off sometime while Jungkook talked to Jimin outside) Jungkook showered and got into bed, his heart racing as he stared up at the ceiling.
For the first time in two months he felt complete. He knew that it was bad to say, and that Jimin would scold him if he knew, but he didn't really feel whole without him. Or maybe he did, maybe all this time he was whole, but he didn't want to be whole alone. He had faced the brunt of the world alone all his life, and Jimin had too. They deserved to go through things together.
The night hadn't gone anything like how he expected. But that was good, better than good even. After their last kiss, and more whispered apologies on Jimin's part, they agreed they'd talk. Jimin promised that he was in a better headspace and Jungkook promised that he was still interested, despite telling him to stay away. It had almost physically hurt to pull away and drive home, but Jimin insisted that Taehyung needed sleep and Jungkook couldn't help but agree.
Just as he tried to close his eyes and fall asleep, his phone rang. Rolling over he grasped it and rubbed his eye sleepily as he stared at the bright screen. A smile slowly creeped up on his face as he read the ID and answered it, fisting the blanket with his free hand.
"Hi."
"I wanted to make sure that you got home okay," Jimin explained, the low, dull hum of Christmas music still in the background.
"I did..I'm laying in bed right now," Jungkook replied, suddenly shy now that the adrenaline wore off.
"Okay, I'll let you get to sleep. Let's talk about everything tomorrow."
Jungkook smiled at the tender tone of voice he received, he could almost picture Jimin tucked away in some hall with his brows furrowed as he did the math to how many hours of sleep Jungkook would be getting if he stayed up any later.
"Okay," Jungkook agreed, biting his lip with a grin. "Goodnight, Hyung. One more thing though.."
"Yeah?"
"I love you too," he gushed before he hung up. He giggled happily to himself and fell back against the bed, his chest feeling lighter than it had in a long time.