18 weeks pregnant
i shot up in bed as the pool of sweat around my body around me only intensified. damn nightmares. i looked next to me to see luna and michael still sleeping away. at least i didn't wake them up with my way too vivid nightmares. it feels like they'll never stop.
i swung the blanket over my body and got out of bed. besides the baby kicking at all-hours of the night and these nightmares, i can't seem to catch a break. i walked along the cold hardwood floors and into the kitchen. i grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and sat down at the kitchen island.
these nightmares have to go away. i don't even know why i'm still having them. i don't know if it's some way of my brain trying to get me to relive how awful my parents are or what. i just want to be able to get a night's worth of sleep. i felt a pair of arms wrap around my shoulders and i turned my head to see michael behind me.
"what are you doing out of bed?"
michael asked as he placed a kiss to the top of my head.
"just getting some water."
i said. what a bullshit lie.
"alex, your hands are shaking. what's wrong?"
michael said as he looked down at my shaky hands. this always happens after a nightmare. it's the worst part, other than the actual nightmare.
"nothing is wrong. god, leave me alone."
i said as i got out of his grasp. i know shouldn't push him away but at the same time, i don't want him to know about the nightmares. i don't want him to think less of me or like i'm crazy.
"i'm just trying to help you. are you sick?"
"i'm fine michael!"
i shouted at him.
"you clearly aren't if you're shaking that badly. there could be something wrong with you and the baby. let me help you."
michael said as he walked towards me, but i shoved him back.
"i don't need your fucking help! why can't you listen to me?"
i yelled at him. before he could respond i heard sobbing come from our bedroom and sighed.
"and now luna's awake. fucking perfect."
i said as i walked away from the scene and into our bedroom. i picked up my sobbing daughter and began to gently rock her back and forth. michael walked in and rubbed luna's back as i tried to soothe her. can this night get any worse?
+
"you look like shit."
bee said as michael and i walked into sierra and luke's home with luna on my hip. of course the night before we go to meet leo, i can't sleep. and luna was barley able to go back to sleep so the three of us are beyond miserable.
"thanks."
i said with a roll of my eyes as i placed luna's bag down.
"bee!"
luna called as she perked up at the sight of her favorite aunt. i'm glad that everyone will be around to entertain luna today because between the lack of sleep and the growing presence of our second child, i'm beyond exhausted. michael and i haven't really talked since our argument either. i hate having tension between us but these nightmares are stressing me out to no end.
"there's my girl! i've missed you!"
bee said as they took luna from my arms. i felt michael's arm wrap around my waist and i sighed. of course he's going to want to play the role of a happy couple for everyone. and then we'll go home and everything will be shit again.
"there you guys are!"
sierra said as she got up to hug michael and i. i have no idea how she's chirpy after having a baby a week ago. although i love luna, i was miserable when she was a newborn. i just hope it's not the same this time around.
"hey si! you look so great!"
i said with a smile as i hugged her. we walked into the living room where ashton and kaykay were sitting on the couch, calum was holding leo, and luke was carefully watching calum.
"hey! there's the other parents."
ashton said as him and kaykay hugged michael and i.
"is that all we are now?"
michael laughed.
"no you're just the cliffords. speaking of, where is the littlest clifford?"
luke asked. that's when bee walked in with luna on their hip.
"lu!"
luna cheered as she saw luke. i plopped down on the couch next to kaykay and sighed.
"you okay?"
kaykay asked.
"yeah i'm just tired."
"you can tell. how was your guys' trip to australia?"
kaykay asked. how do i even answer that? 'oh, it was great except for when my father slapped me and gave me nightmare inducing trauma!'
"it was good. luna had a lot of fun with michael's mum. it was something they both needed."
i said with a smile. the fakest smile you'll ever see. i sulked around the rest of the gathering, only really interacting with a few people, until we decided we finally wanted to go home. after we got in the car and headed towards home, i heard michael clear his throat.
"so do you wanna talk about this morning? or why you won't even talk to our friends now?"
michael asked.
"no."
i snapped back.
"alex-"
"i said i don't wanna talk about it."
i said as i turned my body away from michael and looked out at the stars that surrounded us. i don't know what to do about these nightmares. why the hell can't they go away on their own? and why is this having such a big impact on me suddenly now? i know i should let michael in on what is happening so he can help me but i just...i just can't. there's more harm than good in letting that happen. i guess i'm just going to have to figure this one out all on my own.