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Song recommendations: Lovely- Billi Eilish/Khalid
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He walked home with probably the biggest smile on his face he'd ever managed.
Despite finding out that Suga was Yoongi- YOONGI of all people!
It seemed impossible.
They'd been in the same class since sixth grade and never once did the boy cross his mind. But it made so much sense now. He never talked, always ate alone and never drew any attention to him. He remembered what he had said, cornered in that art room.
I'm invisible. I'm no one.
His heart had ached for him. What must it feel like to have truly no one?
No one to see you or talk to or even hold you?
He definitely needed their help.
His panic attack had shocked them, especially Hoseok, who had taken him home and stayed with him all day.
There would be another time for Jungkook to thank him.
Meanwhile, he had had probably the most relaxing day ever, lying on the beach with Jimin in his arms, enjoying the sun on his face and the simple pleasure of just living in the moment.
Taehyung had started a water fight, which led to an outright battle and ended in massive fits of laughter and giggles.
Then they lay in the sand, Jimin in Jungkook's arm and Jin in Namjoon's while Tae started to build a sandcastle with a bright grin.
This was what he wanted his life to always be like.
Hanging out with his friends and having Jimin next to him.
All of it seemed to good to be true.
And maybe it was.
Because when he came home, he was greeted by a smiling, little, raven girl, throwing her thin arms around him.
Her heavy perfume hit him not a second later and he scrunched his nose, even as he instinctively hugged her back.
"There you are baby. I missed you. You didn't tell me you were doing charity work at the homeless centre?"
His blood froze, holding Lisa close so she wouldn't see his red face of shame.
She drew away with a smile, no suspicion in her eyes.
He let out a relieved breath even as he felt like a piece of shit.
Technically, he was cheating on her.
Technically he was still to marry her.
He had to end this soon, but then his father appeared behind them, smiling broadly at seeing them together.
Guilt hit him.
Two moths... only two more months and his fathers campaign would be over and it would be decided whether he became mayor of Seoul or not.
If he did, he could finally cut ties with Lisa, even if it disappointed his father greatly.
But once he was mayor, he held all the power and Lisa's father would be reliant on that influence, supporting him because it was his best option.
But if he didn't....
He couldn't think about that- he just wouldn't.
Two months.
He smiled at his father.
"Jungkook. You didn't tell me Lisa was coming over, or we wouldn't have let you go out."
Jungkook turned red again, but Lisa was quick to cover it with a laugh.
"Oh, Mr. Jung, it's not Jungkook's fault. I wanted to surprise him, so I didn't tell him. Aren't you surprised, Jungkook?"
She turned back to him, something unreadable in her big, dark eyes.
He found himself nodding with a smile.
"Of course I am. I've missed you so much, baby."
The word tasted bitter in his mouth.
How could he forbid Tae to call Jimin such names, yet he did so with Lisa?
It wasn't fair- to anyone, but he felt like his hands were bound- trapped and unable to do anything about it.
"Ah, son, you made it!", came his mother's sing-sung and the smiling, well-dressed woman appeared in the doorframe.
She always looked so neat and put together, her back straight and her smile turning her face into a lovely artwork. But that sweet face only hid the steely personality beneath.
They would think his father was the strong one, but his mother was a force to be reckoned with.
"I was just making a roast for our surprise guest. You two can enjoy yourselves while I finish, all right? Honey? Would you come in the kitchen and help me?"
God, she was so obvious, JK found it hard not to roll his eyes.
If it were up to them, Lisa's last name would already be Jeon.
A shiver went down his spine as he guided Lisa up to his room.
As always, it felt utterly awkward and uncomfortable as she took a seat on the office chair and he plumbed onto his bed.
From there, her piercing gaze felt like laser scans traveling up and down his body.
He shivered again, his cheeks heating out of embarrassment.
Could she see just how desperately he wanted to be somewhere else?
"So, babe, you've been hanging out with your friends a lot these days, haven't you?"
Ice crept into his veins, but he managed to smile and wave it away.
"Not more than usual. It's just that Namjoon's sister got married last week, so I tried helping him prepare for his best man speech and all."
An easy lie, because partly it wasn't.
Her laugh sounded lovely and true, but to him it felt a lot like the tower clock in their living room, the sound promising nothing good to come.
"I'm sure it was a lovely ceremony. I heard it from some of my friends who were there as well."
His head jerked up at that. Lisa had friends who knew Geong-Min?
She looked radiant sitting in that chair, her legs crossed, her back straight and seemingly absolutely comfortable in here.
His palms were sweaty.
"I..it was. Very lovely."
"Hmm, yes. I also heard Jimin was invited. How weird- I thought the Hyung's and you were no longer friends with him? And rightly so, with his reputation and all."
He nearly had a heart attack just hearing his name pass over her lips.
Jimin. Did she know something? No... it couldn't be...
"No, he's still friends with them. I mean, he and Namjoon grew up together and it was Geong-Min who invited everyone, not Namjoon."
"Yes, I know, of course. But still. Even in school I see you hanging around him a lot these past weeks. I don't like it. You do know he's... you know... into boys and girls?"
He gulped hard. But to his fortune, he didn't have to fake the dark look passing over his features. Not because Jimin was into boys, but because Lisa had the right to sound disgusted: to judge him!
Even so, the next words burned his throat and made him feel more pretentious and pathetic than he ever felt.
"Of course I know. It's not like he's hiding it or anything. I'm only tolerating him because of the Hyungs. If it were up to me, I'd have nothing to do with him."
Lisa eyed him for a long time, then let out a sigh. Even that sounded perfect. Everything was just so damn perfect about her- and he hated it.
"All right. I trust you, Jungkook-ie." she let out with a soft smile.
He felt like shit again. God, he was a horrible person.
There was a long silence where he didn't know what to say.
But then it got even worse when she slowly stood up and prowled towards him.
His body went rigid, his hands forming fists at his side, especially when she sat right next to him, their knees touching.
He didn't dare to look her direction, but apparently she didn't like that, reaching out and with her sharp nails, turned his head around to meet her eyes.
She really was pretty and cute but he felt nothing but tolerance for her.
There was no racing heart and no heavy breathing.
His skin tingled, but not because of want and desire, but fear and reluctance about what she was planning.
She blinked up at him, her long eyelashes like feathery wings as she pursed her lips.
They were all wrong- not full and puffy and just not right.
"I really did miss you, Jungkook. We've barely seen us lately and you haven't asked me out in a long time. I feel a bit neglected if I'm honest."
He cleared his throat, clogged with shame.
"I'm sorry, Lisa. I'll try better."
She leaned her head to the side, the long hair brushing her arm.
"You can make it up to me though."
His mind went bank, but he whispered. "How?"
She smiled and drew closer, their faces close and his stomach sinking.
He couldn't let this happen.
He was with Jimin.
He loved Jimin.
He and Lisa were nothing but platonic.
He had told Jimin as much.
"Kiss me, and I'll forgive you."
He jerked his head back, his eyes flying wide as he stuttered.
"W..we shouldn't.. it's...it's wrong."
"What's wrong with a little kissing babe? We've done it before?"
Only pecks and brushing lips, nothing more.
But the way she was looking at him now: more. She wanted more.
"And we're to be married. A promise is a promise, Jungkook-ie. The Bible does not forbid kissing before marriage- just the more intimate stuff, but we don't have to do that, right?"
She leaned closer again and a hand fell on his thigh. He shuddered.
Wrong. This all felt wrong, but his head was empty, unable to find a way out of this, unable to stop her lips from brushing over his.
And then she kissed him.
And just like he feared, she was no longer satisfied with the little pecks and nips as she pressed her face closer angling her head to move her lips against his.
One of her arms came around his back, her hands stroking his hair.
He didn't want this- but he couldn't draw away either.
There was nothing he could say.
He couldn't think of anything...
So he did something he would regret later.
He closed his eyes and imagined it was Jimin.
Jimin's lips on his.
Jimin's arm around him, hands in his hair, playing with his thick, black strands.
They were both small, their body type almost similar, only that Lisa was softer, missing the coiled muscles beneath.
He blocked it out.
He opened his mouth and kissed her for real.
He wanted to hear Jimin's little gasps and moans- wanted his precious to feel how much he wanted him.
He wrapped his arms around his body, pulling him closer, needing more, kissing deeper.
Wrong...
He ignored it, letting his tongue explore Jimin's mouth, hearing a little gasp.
Wrong...
He tried to shut it out as he angled his head to the other side, pushing closer, kissing him harder.
"Jungkook-ie-" a breathless voice moaned.
Wrong... this was all wrong.
His eyes flew open and met Lisa's wide one's.
Clearly she was surprised, a blush on her cheeks and her lips swollen.
And he...
Oh God.
He jumped up and turned around, holding a hand to his mouth.
Oh God, what had he done?
"I...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have," he muffled against his fingers.
Damn right he shouldn't.
He might be officially cheating on Lisa, but betraying Jimin like that... His heart gave a painful tug and his eyes filled with tears.
What had he done?
"It's all right, baby. It's only natural. You're a boy. I must say though... I never knew you could kiss like that." There was humor in her voice as he heard her stand up.
No... she couldn't see him like this. If he turned she would know.
She would see the way this betrayal was already crushing him.
He felt her frail, weak hands at his shoulders, patting him.
He still didn't turn, keeping his front to the window.
What had he done?
"We should do it more often, sweety. Maybe you wont feel so embarrassed then."
Not embarrassed- more like a dirty piece of shit. He heard her soft chuckle and anger filled him. He always accepted and tolerated Lisa, but in this moment, he felt his heart fill with resentment and hate.
But be it God or some other supernatural being, his prayers were answered when the small girl let out a little sigh and added: "Well, we can take it slow too, baby. No need to rush into anything. I should probably head downstairs and see if I can help your mom set the table. See you downstairs, sweety."
He had his eyes closed shut, hiding the truth as she came around, got on her tip-toes and pressed a quick peck on his cheek.
The moment the door clicked shut behind her, he sank to his knees a sob escaping him.
What had he done?
How would Jimin react if he knew? Would he be angry? Disappointed? Hurt?
Oh no... no he couldn't see him hurt.
He stayed on the floor, hands in front of his face until his mother called him for dinner.
He stood up and looked into the mirror on his wardrobe.
He looked like shit. He felt like shit. He was a piece of shit.
And yet...
Just like he had seen Jimin do, he forced his face into a smile, his face brightening.
It felt like a big-fat lie. It was a lie. But one he had to keep up.
Smiling like a robot, he walked downstairs and sat through dinner, trying to forget all the shame, disgust and guilt.
And failed.
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Keep loving, be kind and find your own way.
사랑해!!
-your Talia