I push the powder into a thin line on the glass table in front of me before snorting it through a rolled up bill, passing it to the girl next to me.
The burning sensation fills my nose and throat, the same way it has every night for the past month. I toss my head back, downing a few shots in an attempt to numb myself further when someone yanks me off the couch with out warning.
"Hey!" I yell, looking towards the feeling of the hand and coming face to face with Calum. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in Korea."
The sentence can barely leave my mouth as my vision blurs with the sudden movement he's caused.
"I could ask you the same thing." He snaps back, audibly annoyed. "We came back early."
He slings my arm over his shoulder and pushes through the crowd effortlessly as I struggle to keep up with his quick pace.
I grab a drink out of a waitress's hand, tossing my head back and pouring it into my mouth before Calum can smack it out of my hand.
"Margo, I didn't want to do this but you're really leaving me no fucking choice." He sighs as he suddenly stops walking. He rips the cup out of my hand and scoops me up with out thinking twice. I let out a slurred laugh, saying a few words that I doubt even exist as he leaves the club that I've spent the past thirty-six nights accompanying. "Where's your car?"
"I didn't drive. I called an Uber." I drag out my words as I watch his face glistening in the street light. "You look hot when you're angry."
He rolls his eyes, approaching a car that already has the engine started. He opens the back door and tosses me into Ashton's lap, who looks exhausted.
"I knew she would be here." Ashton mumbles as if I can't hear him. Calum closes the door and climbs into the passenger seat, Michael being the one who is driving. "How much did you consume, Margo?"
"Uhh this many?" I hold up a random amount of fingers and Ashton rolls his eyes, turning to look out the window.
"We can gag her when we get to the house. Then say she was with us the whole night." Michael whispers and I shake my head.
"I don't have a gag reflex." I speak in a song-song voice before letting out a giggle.
"Well what are we going to do then?" Calum looks between the three of us.
"Laxatives? We have to get it out of her somehow." Ashton offers and I shake my head again.
"Sprite and bananas make people throw up." I laugh, finally giving them an actual good option.
"There we go."
———
"Margo you have to chug it." Michael tips the bottle of sprite farther back so more of it pours into my mouth. I begin choking, hunching over the toilet as the sprite pours out of me like I'm some sort of fountain.
Ashton is leaning against the door as Calum is squatting beside Michael.
"My tummy hurts." I pout, sniffling as tears stream down my face from the soda burning my throat.
"You're hurting her. Give her a break." Calum tries to shove Michael out of the way, but he doesn't budge. "I said move."
This time, Michael backs away from me and allows Calum to take his spot. Ashton stands in the doorway, gaining Calum's attention. "Can you give me a few minutes alone with her, please?"
"If you need anything, let me know." Ashton responds softly before closing the door, leaving me and Calum alone.
"Talk to me, please." He whispers taking my hands in his. "What's going on?"
"I just wanted to have a little bit of fun, Cal. I wanted to live a little." I shrug, leaning my head against my arm that is draped across the toilet seat. "Is there really something wrong with that?"
"Margo, living a little is sticking your head out the window when you're speeding through a tunnel late at night, or kissing your best friend. Not doing hard drugs when you know you could get addicted. Thats just a death sentence." He scolds me and I roll my eyes.
"I'm not lucky enough for that." I toss my head back so I'm looking at the ceiling.
"Don't say that, God, please don't say that." He pleads, looking at me as if I just pulled a gun out on him.
"What ever. I'm tired, I need to go to sleep." I roll over, sticking my face into the toilet as my nose nearly touches the water.
"Margo, you're nearly drowning yourself. Please try to throw up, I won't ever ask for anything else." He whispers and I think for a few moments before sighing, reaching my hand out for the sprite.
I grab it off the floor and begin chugging it before feeling it bubbling back up just as fast as it went down. I push the nearly empty bottle towards him, throwing everything from tonight up into the toilet.
He quickly pulls my hair back and I try to push him away, but he doesn't move.
I throw up for a few more minutes until I feel emptier than I did when the night started. I lean back against the tub and flush the toilet, looking at him as my eyelids nearly fall shut.
"Ashton!" He calls out quickly, not letting my head fall as if I'm a newborn baby who's neck will snap. Ashton busts into the bathroom with a worried look plastered across his face until he realizes I look safe. "Can you bring me a tooth brush, the extra shampoo and conditioner, one of my shirts with a pair of my pants, along with a towel?"
"Yeah, I'll be right back." Ashton quickly nods before leaving the bathroom.
"We'll get all cleaned up and get in bed, okay? Then you can go to sleep. Until then, I need you to stay awake as long as possible." He reassures me, almost sounding like he's talking to himself and I quietly nod, not bothering to open my eyes.
He pulls me to my feet and I finally get a good look at myself in the mirror, not recognizing the person looking back at me.
"Hey, don't look at her, look at me. Keep your eyes on me. We're not overthinking tonight, okay?" He gently caresses my cheek and I nod.
After he attempts to wash all evidence of tonight off of me, he leads me towards his room and over to the bed as if I'm an old woman in a nursing home. I cuddle into the sheets, letting his scent envelope me as he climbs into the bed behind me.
I scoot backwards against him and he wraps his arm around my waist, placing a kiss on my shoulder.
"Why did you do it?" He whispers, but I don't know if he expects an answer or not.
"I wanted to feel something the first few times. After a while, it became a way to just feel nothing at all." I whisper in response, not bothering to sugar coat it because I know he'll be upset if I do.
After the night at my mom's house, everything felt as if I'd never be at peace again. I thought that if I did the drugs they would help.
They didn't though. Not the way Calum helped, at least.
"Why didn't you call me?" He asks, his voice cracking slightly.
"Because I was scared you'd hate me. Scared that you would see me as a charity case. I want you to be here because you want to, not because you have to." I roll over so I can face him and I notice his eyes glistening and they scan over my face.
"I would never think you're a charity case. You know that, right?" He tries to reassure me, but something tells me he's trying to reassure himself more than me.
"I'm sorry." I whisper, looking down at his chest. "I didn't want you to worry."
"I was scared I was going to lose you tonight. I thought I wouldn't be able to save you. You were so far away that I didn't think you would come back to me." He tries to explain, sniffling.
I feel guilt rip through me like a bullet on a battlefield. I don't care about many people, not even myself, but I now know that the single person I would give up everything for is the person I've hurt the most.
He thought he was losing me, not realizing I lost myself years ago.
I can't remember if I last saw myself in the arms of the last person I trusted, or in the back seat of that car as I left my old life behind, but she got lost along the way.
I'm not going to ask him for help finding her though, that's my own journey. I just want him to stick around until I do so.
The only problem is, I don't want him seeing the real me. The one with cracks and bruises with unexplainable flaws. The one that can't be loved because she pushes everyone she knows away before they can even learn her middle name.
The one sitting inside me, waiting patiently to be set free as she watches these separate versions get created right beside her, only to get tossed out soon after. She doesn't complain though, she just waits. She knows her time will come when the universe is ready for her to shine.
Until then, she sits there, waiting, thinking about all the things that she'll get to say when she's finally set free. All the ways she'll get to show the world's beauty to others. All the times she'll get to dance carelessly in her kitchen with her future lover as they listen to Elton John and laugh as if there's no one watching. All the times she'll get to kiss her future lover's flaws and show them how they make them unique until they love them just as much as she does.
Until then, she sits alone, buried deep down inside, next to the chest full of secrets and the note lying on top that reads; "beware of contents inside" that no one has ever been able to reach. She's just trying to figure herself out so she doesn't have to waste her time letting someone else do it.
She can just explain everything to them and they'll get to skip to the good part. The easy part.
"Margo, please stop over thinking." Calum whispers, rubbing his thumb across my cheek. "Let's go to sleep."
I roll over so my back is facing him again, not saying anything else as he places another kiss against my shoulder, snaking his arm around my waist. He buries his face farther into my back and it makes me feel safe.
Slowly, his grip on me loosens as if it's a signal that he's asleep. His breathing becomes softer and less worry-filled. He feels at peace.
I lay here in his arms for a few more moments, fighting off the sleep because I don't want this feeling to go away. The feeling of him asleep next to me. The feeling of how can and silent the world is. As if there's no worries.
I place my hand on top of his and finally allow myself to drift off to sleep, whispering the words I never thought I would.
"I love you." They seem so natural and calm, yet hold so much weight it doesn't make sense.
Before i can fully drift off the sleep, his grip on me tightens again and he moves impossibly closer to me, letting out a soft groan before responding to the sentence I didn't even mean to say.
"I love you too."