PICTURES OF THE PAST
Disoriented, I came by in my room. I had no memory of arriving home or even going upstairs to my bedroom, yet, that had been exactly where I was. Reluctant to the idea of getting out of bed, I tossed the covers aside and sat upright. It was a start, I thought to myself, but I still didn’t feel awake. While rubbing my eyes, they fell on the note directly next to my alarm clock.
“I hope you slept well.
We had to go out for a little while but we will be back before dinner.
Look after yourself and be careful.
- Mom”
Next to where I found the note was the tube of ointment that Joanne had given me. My alarm clock told me it was long past noon, so I decided to reapply the ointment just like Joanne told me to. On autopilot, I undid the bandage and followed Joanne’s instructions. Meanwhile, I wondered how I could still be tired after a five-hour nap. It could only have been half past ten at the latest when Dad and I arrived home. My stomach growled loudly and the thought of some late lunch was very tempting. While winding the bandage around my ankle once again, I realized I’d let my hunger distract me. The bandage wasn’t wrapped nearly as neat as when Joanne had done it that morning, but it would have to suffice nonetheless.
Every thump echoed through the house as I hopped my way – one-legged – to the stairs. The steps themselves squeaked more than usual. I tried to move more quietly, but I didn’t seem to have it in me that day.
“You deserve to know the truth about yourself.” Kieran’s words from the previous night rang through my head again. They made me wonder what truth there was to know about myself. I was plain old Seda, seventeen for another few weeks and I had lived in Mountain River all my life. Really, I was boring; I didn’t have any friends and did okay at school. Hobbies weren’t my thing, except for my secret walks in the woods. That was all there was to know. But when I passed the small table with family photographs at the bottom of the stairs, one in particular caught my attention. It was of me as a baby, held by my Mom, and Dad stood next to us. I was pretty sure it was of my first birthday. A day my parents had picked out for me because no one knew when my real birth date was.
“Begin at the start and you’ll find all the answers you need.” I remembered Kieran telling me as well. The start, what did he mean by that? Was it possible he was talking about my birth? About my real parents? My biological parents? For years I had tried to find them, and still I hadn’t come any closer to finding them. How did Kieran expect me to find them now? I took the picture frame with me as I made my way to the kitchen, but I paused when I passed Dad’s home office. Another line of Kieran came to mind. “If the people who should be the ones telling you keep quiet, take matter into your own hands.” My parents wouldn’t have adopted me without knowing who I was, I reasoned while sneaking into Dad’s office. Leaving the door slightly ajar, I placed the photograph on his desk and took a good long look around. Plenty times before, I had come in here, but none of those times I had been looking for something. Another problem arose; I had no idea what I was looking for. The only logic I followed was that of my parents being tidy and organized. If they had anything that had to do with my past, where I came from and who I really was, it would be in this room. Determined to find anything that would tell me where I came from, I started opening drawer after drawer of my dad’s bureau. When I didn’t find anything but work-related files in there, I moved on to the shelves that covered the walls. Sorting through all of the binders and boxes seemed like an implausible task and I was so engrossed in my little bit of spying that I was completely caught off guard when I heard a key unlock the front door. In a rush, attempting not to get caught before I had any answers, I stuffed the box I held in my lap back to where I had found it and hopped my way out of Dad’s office. Luckily, Mom waited for Dad before coming in. This gave me that one extra minute I needed to hop into the living room and throw myself on one of the two couches.
“You’re awake,” Mom smiled when she entered the living room and saw me. “How’s your ankle?”
I tried to be inconspicuous about being out of breath and hoped that my mom wouldn’t pick up on it. “Fine. Well, it still hurts of course but it’s not as bad as yesterday.” Big fat lie. My ankle throbbed in pain because when rushing my way over to the couch, I had nearly toppled over and accidentally, I used my bad ankle to keep myself from falling. However, I couldn’t tell my mom that because then I’d have to explain why I was in a hurry to get to the couch.
“That’s good,” Mom smiled again, but this time I noticed how her smile didn’t reach her eyes. For some reason, she tried to hide something. Was she worried about my ankle? Or, did she suspect I was spying around the house?
“Mom,” I tried to keep her from having time to ask me about what I had been up to while they were gone. “How am I going to get to and from school tomorrow?”
For a few seconds, she disappeared into the hallway to hang her coat away. “We’ll wait and see how your ankle is. I don’t think you should burden your ankle too much. Maybe you could just have a day at home.”
I agreed with Mom and then she went into the kitchen. Dad still didn’t seem to be in a very talkative mood so I gave him a wry smile when he plopped down on the other couch. Without asking if I minded, he reached for the remote and put the tv on the sports channel. The sight of men running after a ball wasn’t exactly appealing so I stood up and hobbled to the kitchen entrance. I saw part of Mom’s back sticking out from behind an open cabinet door.
“When will dinner be ready?”
The sound of cooking pots clinking against each other paused and Mom looked up at me over her shoulder. “Not for another hour at the minimum. Why?”
“Is it okay if I head upstairs for a bit? Dad’s watching football.”
Mom smiled in understanding. She wasn’t too much of a sports fan either and would rather iron shirts all evening than sit next to Dad having to watch a game with him, and she really disliked ironing.
“Just make sure to take it easy on that ankle.”
“I will,” I promised and turned around. By the time I fell down on my bed, I found myself gasping for breath once again. Maybe jumping all the way upstairs hadn’t been too bright of an idea. Staring up at the ceiling, I let my mind wander off on its own. I tried to think of everything my parents had told me about my adoption. It became abundantly clear that over the years, they really hadn’t shared much information regarding where I came from. To make sure I had everything straight, I decided to make a list of the things I remembered concerning myself. I reached for the small notepad in the drawer of my bedside table and sat upright against the headboard. It took me a few tries to get comfortable but then I got started.
A: I had been with my parents for seventeen years.
B: I had Jackson’s last name, but had no idea whether my parents knew my real name. A few years ago, they had sworn that Seda was my real name when a kid at school had made a snarky remark about it and I had come home, crying. I remembered the stuck-up guy who had pestered me throughout my entire free period in my first year at Mountain River High and then right before the bell sounded, he bluntly asked me if Seda was even my real name.
C: My parents hadn’t lied to me about being adopted. Well, they hadn’t exactly mentioned it until a girl from kindergarten had been dropped off late by her very pregnant mom.The teacher had picked up on it and asked us to bring photographs to school the next day of when we were in our mommy’s belly. When later that day, I asked for such a photograph at home, Mom had told that I was adopted at a very young age.
D: whenever I had asked Mom or Dad about my birth parents, they responded by changing the subject and acting jittery the rest of the day. This simply had to be a sign that they hid something from me.
E: I overheard some rumors of me being found in the woods, although that’s all they were, rumors. I hadn’t found the nerve yet to ask my parents if this was true. I just didn’t want to find out my parents really left me for dead in the woods.
The next day, at four in the afternoon, the phone rang. My parents had excused themselves again, saying they had another errand to run that day and thus, I ended up being on my own since shortly after lunch. I had searched through another shelf in my dad’s office but hadn’t found anything nothing useful. After two hours of searching, I gave up and sprawled out on the couch to watch some tv. My ankle was giving me a hard time and this didn’t make it any easier to sniff around my dad’s stuff.
“Hello?”
“Hello dear. It’s Joanne. I thought I’d give you a ring since I haven’t heard from you. How’s that ankle of yours?”
“I was going to call you but you beat me to it.” I chuckled.“As for my ankle, it’s being a pain but I’ll live.”
“Are you still applying that ointment like I told you to?”
I nodded, but realized Joanne couldn’t see me. “Yeah, I haven’t forgotten.”
“Were you able to attend school today?”
“No. Mom let me stay at home. I think I won’t have to go to school tomorrow either. I hope my ankle will be all better by Wednesday though. I hate being stuck at home. This feels exactly like being grounded and this time I didn’t even do anything wrong,” I complained.
“I don’t think it’ll go that fast. Just remember to keep your foot elevated and to let it rest as much as possible.”
“I know,” I sighed. “But that’s so extremely boring. I wish I could go for a walk or something.”
“Well, whenever you’re feeling up to it, you can always stop by the store and give me some company. Why don’t you ask your Dad to drop you off sometime?”
“You wouldn’t mind me being there? I’m not going to be of much help.”
“Like I said, just the company alone would be nice. Plus, you can still run the register. Is your mom at home? If you hand her the phone, I can ask her for you.”
I readjusted my leg because it started to feel numb.
“Mom and Dad had to be somewhere. Some meeting they had to attend. They didn’t tell me much about it. But I’ll ask them when they get home and then I’ll let you know if I can come.”
“That’s great. I’ll…“ Joanne stopped midsentence when in the background, the doorbell of Joanne’s Essentials chimed. “I have to hang up but let me know what your parents say. Take good care of yourself, Seda. Bye.” The beeping on the other end of the line let me know Joanne had hung up, and I did the same. Maybe if I could spend some time at Joanne’s shop during the next days, time would move a little faster. With renewed energy, I returned to my father’s office in search of answers.
Exactly a week after my first run-in with Kieran, I found myself at Joanne’s Essentials taking care of the register. Mom and Dad dropped me off just after lunch because they needed to attend another meeting. A meeting they were rather secretive about by not telling me anything about it – not even when I had asked them straight-out.
“Thank you for your purchase and have a great day,” I spoke with a friendly smile while handing the baker’s wife the small paper bag with her products.
She smiled back politely and waved goodbye to Joanne who was rearranging the products in the shop window.
“I think it’s time to have some tea.” Joanne turned to me when the baker’s wife pulled the door shut behind her. Joanne knew how I hated that woman’s tendency to start rumors based on nothing but boredom. “Also, I need to look at your ankle again. It’s time to reapply that ointment.”
“Tea sounds great.” Sucking in a breath, I lifted my foot off of the pillow Joanne had placed on the extra chair to support my ankle and then I hopped off my barstool. Today the pain had been better, but every time I stood upright and the blood rushed to my ankle resulted in a throbbing pain that lasted at least a few minutes before it disappeared again. In the back room, Joanne insisted I sat down while she prepared us some tea. Under no conditions was I to walk – or hop – around when not absolutely necessary.
“You’ve been exceptionally quiet today,” I remarked when Joanne took her seat opposite of me at the small table. Even now, she seemed a little lost while gazing at the steaming cup of tea in front of her.
“I have had an unsettling dream, nothing to worry about.” She brushed my concern off the table as if it were the most ridiculous thing in the world. Yet, she was allowed to worry about me all the time.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
She didn’t reply right away.
“Isn’t it time for you to take your own advice? I recall you telling me several times in the past to talk about the things that bothered me. A burden shared…”
“You remind me of her, you know.”
“Who?”
“My daughter. She was just as stubborn as you and wouldn’t give up until she got what she wanted.”
“I guess she took after you then,” I chuckled. A small but definite smile formed on Joanne’s face.
“Perhaps. But she was patient like her father and she knew how to keep her head cool at even the most stressful times. The anniversary of her death isn’t too far away and I guess that’s what plagues me at night. Jules, my oldest daughter, called me the other day, inviting me to a family dinner. She wanted me to be there with my other daughters, their husbands and the grandchildren. They know this time of year is especially hard on me. Sometimes I’m just so unbelievably jealous of my Joseph, you know? Parents shouldn’t outlive their children and here I am, I lost my youngest daughter and only three years prior the man I married. I think Joseph would have liked you if he were still alive. Heck, I like to think he’s still around, watching over me so even when he’s not here in the flesh, I bet he still likes you.”
Not smiling at Joanne’s words of praise was next to impossible, so I didn’t fight it. While she had been telling me about her children and her husband, I witnessed the weariness as it slowly seeped away from her expression. Her eyes had lit up and the creases in her forehead flattened themselves.
“How many children did you have again?” I asked while taking a miniscule sip of my tea to test if it wasn’t too hot anymore. I figured that by staying on the topic of her family, if I let her share some nice stories about them, it might cheer her up. I didn’t like it when Joanne wasn’t her cheery self.
“Five,” she stated proudly. “I have a photograph of them in my purse. Let me grab it.” Joanne seemed to have long forgotten the dreams that haunted her the previous night and I was content that my plan worked out the way I wanted it to. Even more so, I couldn’t remember Joanne ever showing me photographs of her family before. She mentioned them every now and then, mostly spoke about her husband, Joseph, but that was it. I was excited to find out more about Joanne’s family. Most of all, it was nice to know she had them looking after her, even though she’d never admit to needing help; she was much too stubborn for that.
When she took her seat again, she slid me a photograph across the table. It was a family picture, or so I assumed when seeing a big group of people posing for the camera.
“This is them,” Joanne smiled proudly. “My family. It’s a recent picture so not all of us are in it.” She then started to point at people while explaining who they were. This is how I learned about her daughters Jules, Rebecca and Nathalie. Next was her son, Walter, who turned out to be only a year older than the daughter she lost so many years ago. Afterwards, she pointed out several of her grandchildren, of which several couldn’t exactly be called children anymore. When she had told me which man belonged to which of her daughters, only one man had been left without a story.
“Who is this?” I pointed at the remarkably tall and well-built man who stood near the edge of the picture. If he had taken a single step to the left, he wouldn’t even have been part of the picture anymore.
An odd, yet unidentifiable expression flashed across Joanne’s face. If I hadn’t accidentally looked up for a split second, I would have missed it.
“This is Donovan,” she spoke hesitantly after several moments passed. Her words held a prominent hint of sadness. “He’s another one of my sons in law. He…he…”
“That’s alright,” I spoke quietly while I rested my hand on hers in comfort. “I get it.” Mentally I scolded myself for bringing up her deceased daughter again. Just when the wound started closing up, I simply had to rip that band-aid off, didn’t I?
I was going to apologize to Joanne for upsetting her, but as I opened my mouth to speak, the door of Joanne’s Essentials opened, making the bells chime. Joanne excused herself and left to help her costumer. Meanwhile, I noticed she had left two more photographs across the table. I stretched my arm and slid the photographs over to my side, next to the big family picture. The first photograph was of an older man whom I presumed to be Joanne’s Joseph. I hated how she had to miss him the way she did. Some days she had it worse, but for most of the time, she was able to bite through the pain and use it as an extra motivation to be the woman he would have wanted her to be. Joseph even looked like the kind of man who wouldn’t mind his wife drooling over Peter, a host on television. I bet he would even tease her about it. The other photograph was of a beautiful woman. I understood then why Joanne said I reminded her of her daughter; we had the same blonde hair and we both wore it long. However, mine was dull and straight while hers was an entanglement of vibrant curls.I could easily picture Donovan and Joanne’s daughter together; they must’ve made a nice couple. It just sucked to see how sad he still was after all these years. Donovan aside, I planned to convince Joanne to attend her family get-together. Real family was important, something that should be treasured if by chance, a person was lucky enough to have one. I was going to make sure she seized every opportunity of spending time with her family, no matter the bad memories it might cause to resurface. I was convinced that in the end, good memories were bound to outweigh the bad ones. Spending time with her family would do Joanne good and she couldn’t let me rob her of all her free time forever. I was going to make her promise to put her family first. However, when Joanne came back through the passageway that connected the back room to the shop, I noticed she wasn’t alone. The words I had wanted to speak fleeted from my mind faster than I had thought of them.Standing right behind Joanne was no other than the guy I had begged to leave me alone.
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A/N: Thanks for reading! All the support is extrememly appreciated! Feel free to point out mistakes if you spot any :)
Next upload: December 28-29