If anyone asked me what I was feeling a month ago, I would've told them how much my mind was contradicting my brain, how scared I was to discover the possibility of our love not being real, how I was struggling to differentiate between reality and delusion, my grandeur and my convictions.
To be honest, I was a mess. I was scared that everything I knew about love was wrong and whatever I felt was self-induced; love, frustrations, dreams, hopes, ideas, sadness, happiness, good and bad memories and a lot of events that ever happened to me for the past 5 years. It made me question my existential sense of self, my ego, my dignity, my understanding towards the world.
I prayed to God for Him to give me clarity, and I think this is it.
I was scared that whatever I felt, whatever we had, was meaningless. That we were wasting each other's time. That we're wasting everyone's hopes and expectations; ours, especially. And at the finishing line, I was so scared that I'd be forgotten. By you. By everyone. And I just don't want to feel the same way anymore.
Because I realized that we had something. It was beautiful. It was shared between us and everyone around us, and although it might not last forever, it does not mean it was worthless. It meant something. And I just have to accept the fact that it's just not everlasting.
One of the thoughts that kept me down was the fact that maybe all these while I was suffering, I never loved you. I was only in pain because you rejected me, or maybe because I didn't get what I want, or whatever narcissistic bullshit I might have inside of me.
But you know what? I was wrong. Those thoughts are just there to make me doubt my feelings.
I loved you, and it was lovely. I had your heart, at least for the most time, right?
But to be frank, yeah. It was there to protect me, because at that time, to accept the fact that I loved you would be devastating and I wouldn't be able to recover. My depression and my anxiety, they were there to protect me.
I love the fact that I can see this clearly now.
I think this marks the end of my writings for this series. I am opening up my new book, walking towards a new path, and I guess this chapter's closed for good.
Now, I can proudly say I recovered. Alhamdulillah.
To all of my readers, thank you for sticking by and praying for me, I love you and I wish all of us the best life we can ever have.
Cheers.
Adios, amigo.