i'm a dumb teen boi, i eat sticks and rocks and mud

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okay today has been a very shitty day and ik i haven't posted here a whole lot but imma do a quick rant then i'll jump into some affirmations bc i need validation rn

so idk this morning i just felt like crying so much like it was weird as hell. i've also noticed that whenever i imagine or hear someone mention someone getting violently angry, i immediately feel like crying. like not in writing, more like when my mom says that my dad gets so pissed that he has to force himself to stay in the kitchen, and she doesn't tell me what he would do if he left but i know. and i wouldn't say my dad's abusive but he did definitely traumatize me in some way, shape, or form. i remember i had a sub in middle school that slammed the desk and yelled something at another student and i kid you not if i didn't have an immense fear of crying in front of others, i would've broken down right then and there. the only way i got myself out of there to calm down was telling the sub i had to drop off some work for a friend in detention (which was true but the timing was perfectly lined up) and when i tell you i took the long route to the library just to calm down bc i was definitely tearing up at that point. i'm just letting my mind bounce around so this isn't gonna be structured, i've noticed that my mind always has something going on and that includes intrusive thoughts like i thought intrusive thoughts were normal (which it is common) but i thought everyone that experienced them had it like me where like every little thing will send me into a spiral of unwanted thoughts like someone could be lying on their back and boom, intrusive thoughts. someone will touch me in some way (usually my leg or my shoulders or my face or my stomach or clothes) and my mind will go into a mix of anxious and intrusive thoughts of what-ifs and various other dangerous scenarios. it really worries me and i always tell my mom not to touch me and she sees it as a joke (and sometimes it is) but sometimes i really freak out when she touches me which is concerning, right? anyways that happens, getting back on track, i was editing a video (that i was postponing bc slight anxiety but whatever we'll get to that later) and the freaking audio wasn't matching up and it was stressing me out so that wasn't good. then today was the one month anniversary of unus annus which made me really upset. that brings me to my next order of business. a couple of days ago, ethan live streamed for red nose day and he raised half a million and i was so proud of him then he said that he always feels like he doesn't deserve everything he's gotten, how he felt burnt out, like he wasn't that good, and how he was even considering quitting youtube this time last year but unus annus and the charity just really gave him motivation again and for some reason that really got to me. probably bc ethan was one of my hugest inspirations to start making videos and recently i was feeling exactly how he felt (even though i've only been doing this off and on for four years and he's been doing this for almost a decade) and the fact that he got his hope back really motivated me for some reason. so i finally finished editing the video and posted it, i felt great, i thought i'd made it clear that i didn't support jk (hp author) but apparently not. and i would've been fine if hate comments were left on my video, i don't care, hate comments mean i'm getting enough traction that trolls actually care about what i post. but these were dms from my friends and i'm sure they had good intentions (i understand where they're coming from) but i literally took a small break recently bc of mental health reasons, they knew this. so obviously i wasn't doing a-okay. i said i was reluctant to post this one, obviously it took a lot of thought and energy for me to post it. i made it clear that i didn't support jk. i've mentioned how close hp has been to me growing up. ik they meant well, honestly i wouldn't be supporting a video for jk either, but they need to literally watch only the first minute of the video to know that i was only talking about the character (not the actors or creators) and the character's redemption/growth. idk ig it was the way they worded what they were trying to say that made it feel a lot like hate. again, i wouldn't have cared if they were anonymous comments, but since they're my friends, i know them, i can see their profile pics, what they post, our past convos, it makes it hit that much harder. all day i've been feeling like a fucking idiot for absolutely no reason, over quarantine i was honest about my feelings with certain jokes around my parents and that has gotten thrown back in my face so many times, it happened five times today. people are being cancelled, people are erasing the existence of people's identities and racial/ethnic backgrounds, i've been thinking a lot about friends i've lost this year (i don't like to think about them but their code names, so i'll feel better, are zach, jack, jim, and twyla) and i've been wondering if i did the right thing, if i should apologize, if they were right, i don't think i've fully processed the shreds that my mental health has gone into, i've just been projecting onto fanfic characters and imagining myself in other worlds where i know what to do, i can tell what people are thinking or feeling without them having to tell me, where everything is okay and where i'm happy with where i'm at. idk, this has been kind of a long time coming, i've been shoving everything down and hiding things since i was nine, i guess it's all catching up to me. seven years worth of careful molding of my personality is slowly crumbling down and i can't do anything to stop it. i sometimes wonder if my teachers notice i haven't been participating in class as much as i used to but i don't think they do. even though my grades are high, and even though ik my parents are joking around, their comments about how a 93 isn't good enough still drags me down bc i feel like i'm still not good enough for them. growing up it was always about them and my sister. they said it was too hard to understand me so they always tried diagnosing me with stuff or trying to figure me out. apparently years of that made me manipulative, a people pleaser, and obsessed with psychology. and honestly i just want to be able to hug someone and let myself cry and tell them everything but it's too hard. physical touches make me nervous and tense and being emotionally open and vulnerable makes me physically terrified. i just want to be okay. not just for a week, not just for a month, forever. i want to not be dramatic, i want to not care what people think and just let go for a bit, i want to be myself without worrying about the consequences but i just can't. i want to be able to say this out loud in front of someone else, i want someone to comfort me without me feeling uncomfortable and awkward. i just want to be normal. i wouldn't say i was bullied but i was always the butt of a joke. being between the ages of five and nine was so hard bc i'd go to school and the teachers would hate that i was a smart ass that talked too much, that was too open. then the kids would make me the butt of some fat joke, they'd ask me out as a joke, they'd only partner with me bc i wanted to help them. even in middle school, where i thought i was okay, kids would still make me the butt of a joke, i'd still get in trouble with a lot of asshole kids. then i'd even get home and my family wouldn't take me seriously and they'd poke and prod at me, it was a never ending cycle from hell. i just wanna stop thinking, stop remembering, why can't i just start on a fresh slate? that is the most bullshit thing ever that i had to depend on other people to sculpt my brain for years and all of a sudden i have to fend for myself in the real world. do you know how fucking messed up you have to be to have been imagining characters comforting you and encouraging you since elementary school since no one else would do it? that's really screwed up. i don't even know what i want at this point. my dreams are absolute shit but it's better than this. in my dreams i don't have intrusive thoughts, i'm not scared of confrontation, in my dreams i'm sometimes the most confident and beautiful person ever. but in the real world i'm fucking lost.

i was supposed to do like positive things, right? i rarely ever feel ugly or gross anymore so that's cool. i still get a lot of anxiety and some sensory overload around my parents but i'm learning to control it. i'm forcing myself to be completely okay without labels (even though it bothers me every now and then) i at least make an effort to be a good person, that's what counts, right? idk what else. i went into this mildly sad but still pretty confident but i'm ending this as a mess. fun. i kinda wanna stop existing but that's fine, i'll be okay. tomorrow is gonna be kinda stressful but i'm gonna try dedicating it to art bc i haven't drawn in so long and i really want to. that's it ig

12/15/20

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