Finding Abby

28

Ben, Mum and I are all full of food. My cheeks ache from smiling too much and my eyes burn from crying even more. We wave goodbye to Finn and his parents as they stumble down the road home. I lean against the door frame and Finn turns and grins at me and bows low; blows me a kiss.

I have to stop myself running down to him but I know we'll catch up tomorrow and go for a drive in Ben's van.

He nods at me then jumps in close behind his dad and starts to mimic the way he's staggering and weaving all over the road. Finn's dad's had a few too many red vinos and is singing Silent Moth at the top of his voice so it echoes around the empty streets. When they get around the corner, I close the door – they're the last guests to leave.

Now I'm sitting on the rug by the fire with Finn's dad's tape recorder in front of me. Mum's in her arm chair with her cheeks rosier than ever, legs tucked up underneath her. She looks tired but she's hitting up another bottle of wine with Ben. Ben's on the couch taking up room with his long legs and spread arms. He's got his guitar and is strumming away on it, like this is the way we would normally hang out. Like this is how it should be. And it feels good. He's playing a gentle song and it matches the mellowness of our moods.

I pass a photo of my dad back to Mum that we've found in the box we're slowly looking through. It's of Dad leaning back on Ben's car with his ankles crossed, looking down at Mum who stands next to him in her goth gear. This time she's smiling and looking up at Dad in an adoring way. Ben stands next to them with his chin tilted upwards, looking at the sky. He has his brown jacket on. Behind the van, I can see Mara peeking out.

Mum looks the photo over. I know it's hard for her. She waves it at me, and says with a laugh, "I remember this day. Mara didn't want her photo taken. Again. But we got her."

I look up at her.

She doesn't say anything else; hands the photo back to me. I glance at Ben who raises an eyebrow at me, and I know not to push it with her.

Hopefully one day she'll tell me about the other photo too - whether she laughed at my dad making bunny ears behind her head.

"Can we put the tape on now?" I ask, popping open the player so I can slot the mixtape into it.

Ben slides the guitar off his knees. "Abs," he says to Mum, "you ready to listen?"

Mum settles herself in the chair, clutching her glass of wine. She nods at him. She nods at me. "I think so."

"There are so many good songs on here," I say.

"I ... haven't heard it since ... that night," Mum says, and her cheeks turn an even darker shade of pink.

"You know The Disappointed song is on here? The one Silent Moth covered?" I have to warn her. But I also hope this might be the moment she tells us the secret she knows about the song.

Mum glances at Ben, who smiles down at us both. "It's okay," she says. "I'm wishing I'd listened to it earlier. I wish I'd shared it with you before now. It's a good song."

"It's incredible," I breathe. "And it's about you, Mum. It's like that feeling Dad had for you is captured forever in this one song. In those words. They're so amazing."

Mum picks at the edge of the arm on her chair and doesn't say anything.

Okay.

I don't rush to press the 'Play' button because I sense something shifting in Mum. She takes a sip of her wine, and her hand trembles.

I peek at Ben and know he's clocked the same thing because he's put his guitar on the floor and has his head tilted to the side, waiting.

Mum rests her glass of wine on the arm of her chair; takes a breath. She looks up at me, then across to Ben, then back down at her wine. "The thing is," she mutters, picking at the cord on the edge of the armchair with her other hand, "well, the thing about that song is ..."