Genesis •bts•

jhs

Jung Hoseok spent his free time watching old videos.

Sometimes the sheer embarrassment he would get from them was enough to make him put the phone down and fall into a restless sleep tucked into his bed.

Other times he would fondly look at the younger version of himself and wish listlessly that he could go back in time and tell himself everything would be alright.

Except, tonight, lately even if he was being honest, he wasn't sure everything would be alright. He didn't know if he could bring himself to lie like that.

He hated being alone, it was one of the top fears of his list, next to other less-rational ones, it was the stark outlier. Sometimes it felt like he wasn't alone enough, like no matter where he went he couldn't let his heart slow down its pounding pace.

There was nothing like being truly alone, though. It was quiet, so melancholy Hoseok sat on his bed and could hardly blink the tears away fast enough as he stared at the photo-collage Jimin and Jungkook had made.

It made him cry a little bit harder.

He had been so excited for the day, he always was. The first one up in the morning, he would make breakfast and coffee for everyone, first to check the schedule or ready to help someone pack their luggage. He was always so eager to please.

Sometimes he hated himself for it. It was like he was constantly watching himself in third person being something he knew so deep in his bones that he wasn't. He didn't know if there was anything he loved more in the world than making others around him laugh, he loved being the mood maker, loved being the enthusiastic one.

But other times he hated it too. Sure, he knew one expected him to be constantly pumped up, or the one to wake everyone up. But he felt like he always let someone down if he wasn't; maybe he was letting himself down.

He could hear echos in the dorm, he could count on his right hand how many times it had been this silent. It scared him more than he wanted to admit.

How had it all gone so wrong? He was supposed to be cuddled up to Yoongi and Jimin, Namjoon would be trying to not burn the popcorn.

"I can't keep doing this. We can't keep doing this."

It was stressful, their job. Was job a fitting title? It was a lifestyle more than anything, his very face was a brand, was a symbol. He didn't know if he warranted that much attention.'

Maybe fate agreed, maybe that was why he was still soulmateless at 25. He would give anything for a little mark to appear somewhere on his skin, feel the tug to a random person that he already knew he loved more than himself.

When they had first debuted, it was odd how well all of the members got along. He knew plenty groups where the members had a work relationship, a mutual understanding that never exceeded those carefully placed boundaries.

With his members, there were no boundaries. There never had been.

They had met when they were in their teens, Jungkook couldn't have been older than 14, and Hoseok had questioned if the seven of them were soulmates, if the mark would appear the day Jungkook turned 20.

They hadn't, not that Hoseok was going to act shocked. It didn't matter though, he could settle with the idea of an alternate universe were they were actually soulmates.

Until he could switch universes, he was stuck in one where he didn't have even one.

There were plenty of things he hated in the world, number one had to be that small fact. Number two was that despite his status, not that statuses were important in the grand scheme of things, he still hadn't gotten number one knocked off the list.

Sure he was bitter. Of course he was bitter.

The bed across from his own was empty, the sheets made smoothly. He couldn't remember the last time he had made his own bed. Had it been any of the other members, Hoseok wouldn't have thought ill about it, wouldn't have paid it any attention, they shared beds with each other almost every night.

Except, it was the youngest member. That worried him, Hoseok knew where he was, his girlfriends place. He looked at the photo collage on the wall again. He missed his group, he didn't like watching them all storm out the door in different directions when the night had gone south.

He only had an inkling of suspicion where they had gone, Seokjin to the bar without a doubt. Hell, he wasn't even a drinker, but Hoseok could so plainly see the eldest sitting at a large booth all alone. Yoongi to the club, that wasn't really new, he didn't even have to be pissed off to get drunk and sleep with someone.

Hoseok remembered when Yoongi had done that with him. Just to blow off steam, purely cathartic. Yoongi had a habit of sleeping with a lot of people though, Jimin sometimes, Hoseok. When they started get more famous Yoongi had to reel it in, sometimes Hoseok wondered if he resented that. They had had to make plenty of changes in their lives when things started to take off, a lack of control over their body was just par for the course.

Namjoon was probably at his studio, that was often where he went when they had a fight. Not that they fought a lot, and when they did fight, they were small quips, or the silent treatment, not this. Never this.

Jimin went to the dance studio, sometimes he didn't even dance. Hoseok had gotten the chance to watch him just lay on the floor and listen to music. He remembered when he had first met the younger boy, he was so shy Hoseok hadn't even learned his name until weeks late. He would hide behind Taehyung, folding himself out of sight.

But when he was dancing it was like he had a personality change.

They were all like that to some degree, completely different on stage. When they had first debuted, Hoseok remembered them all learning to grow into that stage presence.

They had been miserable in the beginning, but as strange as it sounds, Hoseok would give anything to return to his younger self. It hadn't been easy, but it was a well known path.

Now, it felt like he was constantly walking into the unknown.

He had never felt very worthy of it, small-time fame. He didn't know if he had anything of interest to say. Seven years later and suddenly he could walk outside and see his face on a bus. Even more strange he could visit any country practically and someone would recognize him.

Did he deserve the recognition, the fame? Maybe he had worked for it, put his heart and soul into it. But it still wasn't enough to get Hoseok the one thing he truly wanted in life.

His matching half.