sunflower - h.s.

two

"Don't even fucking say it." I hold my hand up as I walk into the bar - extremely late, as well - the night after running into Harry Styles.

Harry fucking Styles. What the fuck was my life?

Danny is standing behind the bar, chatting with Ren as he drinks a brightly colored cocktail. Both of them chuckle and grab my purse and jacket from me before I run through the small crowd of people and sit down at the piano. I straighten my back and knock off the heeled boots I was wearing so my feet are left in just my socks and tights. The small crowd claps.

"Evenin' everybody!" I say into the mic, adjusting it slightly as I begin tickling a quiet tune. The crowd cheers some more. "Thanks for comin' out and joinin' us this blustery Saturday night, I've got a wonderful show for you all." I hum into the microphone, turning away from the crowd and instead turning to my notebook full of sheet music propped up. "This first song is called Feel Something, I uh, hope you all enjoy."

I didn't do this very often, Mr. Manager Man didn't like me playing original songs because no one ever knew them (that was usually the point). If the crowd couldn't sing along, there was no point in playing them. But our manager wasn't around tonight, so I took advantage of the fact and put together a setlist full of my own songs. It was good practice.

"You wanna feel something

But I don't feel nothing

Trying so hard to get over you
Wanna go back to the place where we started
At the party, I see you, but you keep your guard up
We could be something special if you wanted
I'm afraid that if we try to
You would just give up..." I sang, letting my eyes just lower to the keys at my fingers and feel the heavy sound of the piano travel through them, straight into my chest.

This was my favorite part of music. The physical embodiment of sound. The heavy bass you can feel in your hips. The high note of a singer striking behind your eyes. The rumble of a heavy drum through your feet. I enjoyed the emotional aspect of course, but I got caught up in my emotions too much. The physical brought me back down to earth. Something I could measure and plan and feel with my body.

I loved it. All of it.

That was why I was in uni for it. I knew that much about my life. Music had always been something I wanted to pursue. In any way possible, as well. Even if nothing came of it, I still wanted to keep doing it. Keep writing my silly little songs, and playing my silly little piano.

Maybe that's why I hadn't gotten Harry's question out of my head. If I left behind the possibility of a career in music, and it became my reality, I couldn't do it out of love anymore. I needed to succeed. I needed to be good. But if I don't succeed, then I fail at it, and I can't bear the thought of failing at the one thing I know.

"But what if you don't fail? What if this is exactly what you're meant to be doing, and you kick ass at it?" Ren had asked when we went out for morning coffee this morning. I didn't have an answer for him. The pressure was too much to even consider that he could be right.

I finish the first song and the crowd cheers, clapping loudly beside me. I grin, looking down at my fingers. I begin my next song and the night goes on as usual. By the time I'm done with my first set, the crowd had grown and everyone seemed to be enjoying my songs. The part of me needing validation jumped for joy. I head to the bar and grab my things from Ren, giving him a kiss on the cheek before I head to the back room and put my stuff down, grabbing my phone from my backpack and heading back out, finding an empty booth and settling into it. The server for tonight, Nicki, drops a beer off, telling me it's from a man at the bar. I assume it's from Ren, but when I turn to look, I'm met with three people walking directly towards me, one of them being a certain man I had seen the night before.

He smiles as he approaches with a man and woman beside him.

"Florence!" He says simply, happily, sliding into the same seat as I'm curled up in while his friends sit on the opposite side. "You were wonderful." He smiles.

"Oh, yeah? Thanks." I reply, pulling my feet up under myself so I'm sitting on them, toying with the laces of my boots which I had pulled back on. "You're back. With friends, too. Wonderful."

"I'm Sarah." The woman says, smiling brightly and shoving a hand out in front of me. I take it and give it a gentle shake. She points to the man beside her. "And this is Mitch. We're part of Harry's band."

"Oh." I nod my head. Makes sense. Harry nudges my shoulder.

"I brought them along so they could maybe talk you into joining us. Obviously I don't wanna pressure you too-" Sarah cuts off Harry's rambling.

"Those were your songs? The ones you were singing? You wrote them?" She asks, looking at me kindly. She seemed really nice. I didn't know how to act.

"Uh, yeah. I wrote them. But they're nothing really serious, I mean-"

"They were beyond amazing." She says, Mitch nodding his head in agreement. My cheeks and neck flush with heat. "Can you read music?"

"Yeah. I, uh, wrote all the sheet music for those songs."

"Then you can make an album with us." She says, very matter-of-factly. I look down at my fingers playing with my laces still. Sarah places a hand on the table in front of me. "We would really love to work with you, Florence. This band needs someone like you. And if what I've seen from your  Youtube videos and here tonight-"

"I'm sorry, but I can't run away from my life and pretend to be a rock star. No part of me is right for this, okay?" I say, interrupting her. Harry turns to fully face me, a hand on mine to keep them from playing.

"You don't need to pretend to be anything. We want whatever you have to offer." He says softly and my cheeks flush again. "Think about two, three, five years from this moment. Do you want to look back and say that when you had this chance to pursue something you love, you didn't take it?"

I think over his words. Was I being stupid to not say yes immediately?

Maybe Ren and Danny would be okay without me for a little bit.

Maybe this would be really fun, and exactly what I need.

Maybe this is what I'm supposed to do.

I push my hair behind my shoulders and open my mouth.

"When do we start?"

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Songs mentioned: Feel Something - Clairo