✓1.0 | Letters From Serena

03 | T

TRIGGER WARNING :
-> Mention of ED's/disordered eating

KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.

The sounds repeated themselves over and over like a broken metronome unavailingly. If they were hoping for a polite response from the resident of the room, they were better off hoping for a miracle.

Olivia Harton wasn't someone easily distracted once she had fixated herself on a topic. And at the moment, that was exactly the case.

Eyes lasered on the plate of food in front of her, she didn't bother greeting the nurse that entered regardless of her ungiven reply.

The dish consisted of white rice, stir-fried vegetables with mixed nuts, a small portion of chicken on the side as well as a bowl of mixed fruits.

"All elements of the food pyramid." She could almost hear the condescending tone of her therapist.
Nevertheless, she had complied in drafting the meal plan— as per usual. She'd listed down foods she knew she could eat, all safe foods. She wasn't ready to conquer any 'fear' foods, at least not yet. This wasn't Olivia's first rodeo after all. She had battled anorexia and orthorexia since she was thirteen years old ; three long hard years.

Despite that, it still didn't make eating any easier.

The food seemed to swim in front of her eyes, each individual component taunting her in their own ways. From the light-brown gravy drenching the chicken to the oil splashed carelessly on the vegetables, to the white—not brown—rice which seemed to stand out further under the harsh white light of the room.

"Unneeded calories," the voice in her head echoed as her gaze skimmed past the thin slice of butter placed atop the chicken.

Even though her meal plan had never stated any exact calories, it was as if Olivia had a built-in calculator. Better yet she was the built-in calculator. For she had already calculated the calories for this meal down to the last calorie ; 489 calories. 53 grams carbohydrates, 40 grams protein and 13 grams fat.

She couldn't decide what was worse to deal with ; the guilt she knew she would feel after eating or the droning voice in her head telling her every minute that she was awake that she wasn't worth it. The voice that would make an appearance even if she appeased it and didn't eat.

At least if you're skinny, it'll have one less thing to comment about.

Olivia sighed aloud as her thoughts battled themselves internally. Growing up, Olivia had never even dreamed that she would end up in this predicament but even the best people fell.

Before anorexia overtook her life, Olivia had been like every average child her age. She loved playing in the sandbox, never bothering with self-image. It had been when she was 11 that she had become conscious of her appearance, the merciless teasing at school about her chubby cheeks and healthy-looking legs were the reasons Olivia laid awake in bed at night crying.

The drawing point was when one of her brother's best-friends told her that she would have been beautiful..if only she hadn't been so fat.

It had been a gradual incline, starting small with wanting to shed a few pounds in order for herself to fit into a size S. It worked. The merciless teasing seemed to halt and suddenly boys took an interest in her, as though she had passed a criteria on their checklist.

The euphoria only lasted so long. Like many others before her, the voice came back. This time, with a vengeance. Soon, the number on the scale just wasn't pleasing to her anymore. It didn't matter that all of her clothes seemed extra large on her petite body, nothing seemed to be good enough for the voice in her head. Her mind became consumed with how to limit her intake of food. The food she did eat, she would compensate with exercise.