Searchin'

Twenty

"And stop fuckin' saying sorry! God just shut the fuck up for once, jesus!" 

I nodded lightly. "Okay." I whispered once more, and we continued driving in silence all the way until we arrived home. I wanted so badly to cry, but I knew that would just make things so much worse, so I choked back my tears until I could get in private and let them out. 

As soon as we got home, he stormed inside and didn't even wait for me to get out of the car. I sighed, took the keys out of the ignition, and grabbed my duffle bag with all my dance stuff in it. I walked inside and saw Denaun sitting on the couch watching TV, while Marshall was no where in sight. 

"Yo." Denaun said as he jutted his chin out towards me. 

"Hey. Where'd Marshall go?" I asked as I took my shoes and jacket off. 

"Said he was tired, I think he's goin' to bed." He replied nonchalantly. 

I nodded. "Okay." 

I walked over to our room and quietly creaked the door open, revealing Marshall laying face down under the covers. "Baby I-" 

"Tiyana please leave me the fuck alone right now. Please." He mumbled due to his face being shoved in the pillow. I just nodded and walked back out of the room. I immediately went directly into the bathroom since I knew I could no longer hold back my tears, and I needed to do it privately. I turned on the shower so no one would hear me, closed the toilet seat, and then sat down on it. I threw my head in my hands and rested my elbows on my thighs and the tears began to flow out of me. 

I wasn't even that upset with how he was talking to me, I was more so just sad that he clearly was feeling so sad, and there's nothing I could do. I hated when he felt like that, I always felt so helpless and I'm sure he did too. He hasn't felt that way in a long time, at least from what I could tell, and it just made me so sad to see him feeling that way again. It makes sense of course, but I just hate when he shuts me out like that. All I want is to be there for him and help alleviate his pain at least a little bit, but he just doesn't want anything to do with me when he's like this. All I can hope for in moments like this is that tomorrow will be better. God I hope tomorrow's better. He never deserves to feel like this. Nobody deserves to feel like how he does. 

March, 1993

I don't know what it is, but ever since Ronnie's one year anniversary Marshall has been acting incredibly different. He was doing so good, we were doing so good, and then the one year hit and it all just tanked. We're back to fighting what feels like constantly, and I fuckin' hate it. I cry almost every damn day, and it's honestly at the point now where I don't even wanna come home anymore because I know we're just gonna fight. 

He's just so cold, and irritable. I understand it, but it's still hurtful. And it's like he doesn't even care if he hurts me anymore. He'll say something super fucked up, causing me to start crying, and he just leaves. He did this constantly when Ronnie first died, but he hasn't done it in a long time. Every time I try to talk to him about how he's feeling he just tells me to essentially fuck off and to leave him alone. I can't even remember the last time he's opened up to me. He's so closed off and I hate it. This is not the Marshall I fell in love with, I know that for a fact. But I'm staying because I know the Marshall that I did fall in love with is still there, he's just under a few layers of anger and sadness. That's okay. I used to have those same layers of anger and sadness before we started dating, but Marshall forced his way through it. So I'm always gonna do the same for him. 

"TI! Where's my black hoodie?!" He yelled from our room as I was in the bathroom getting ready to go to The Hip Hop Shop tonight. DeShaun and all of them had finally convinced Marshall to start battling down there recently, and tonight was the first night I was allowed to come and watch him. I guess he didn't want me to come and watch until he was confident enough in his ability. I never pushed him to let me come, since I was always so scared to start a fight. So, when he finally said I could come to this one, I was so excited. Regardless of how his mood has been recently, I think it's super positive that he's been doing something for himself that he enjoys doing.