About Admins prt2 {past}

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A/n: i'm tearing up while writing this.
Comment if you through something like this too.
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Ever sense the age of 5 i have been bullied bu my own father like, one min he could be "Ashley i love you" then the next "ASHLEY YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHT YOU VANT FO ANYTHING RIGHT YOU'RE USELESS! Get out i'll do it myself!" or if i tried to sing "ashley your singing is shitty jist shut up!{why i hate singing in fornt of people} And he was once threw me into a corner and ever time i tried to do something it was never good enough.
It didnt help cuz my mom always let him come back because she wanted to make it work even though i was totally terrifed of my father, hardly left my room, had panic attacks, anti-social, dad was cheating on my mom{i knew he was but, mom wouldn't believe me and thought i was lying} hardly sleep{had to get actual sleeping pills because i had nightmares of him yelling at me} even sometimes i'd have zero emotions like you could slam a door in my face but i'd still sit curl up on the floor like nothing happened, i still have the shakes because of him*
Even though my father is gone i still question my worth example:
"Why? Did i do something wrong?
"Dad come back i can change daddy i'll fix it just come back!" *enter sobbing*
"I didn't do anything just, i've done everything right just why!"
"I can chamge, i'll do the bed right, i'll fix it!
"I'm sorry"

Sometimes when i space out i relive the times my father tormented me. My father broke me beyond my breaking point were at the age of 7 my parents weren't home i nearly slit my throat but, i though of my mom so i couldn't pull it off.

Hetalia_Romano17 remember when you stayed the night my father was yelling at my mom and i gained enough courage to go up to him and say{cant remember excalty} "you're scaring Kallen so how about YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH ALREADY BECAUSE I'M SICK OF HEARING IT!" and i've also said this once to my dad "i'm done with your crap! Why cant i do anything right i've tried all my life to make you happy but its never enough! why dont you love me anymore?!!" But if you ask my dad he doesnt remember any of it and still doesnt understand why i dont want nothing to do with him to this day
Then the courts didn't even believe my mom when she told them they forced me to see my dad anyway
One of my friends thinks what she went through matches mine but, has your own father someone who you loved, trusted from the day you were born actually sworn at you like "you're a bitch, fucker ect", literally broken down your resolve, caused you to have panic attacks even if people are try to cheering{cant stand yelling either} you on, having the permeant shakes{put your hand out straight and leave a comment if it does or doesnt but, mine does shake}

Because of being bullied by my father and other you could walk up to me an call me names, ect that it doesn't affect me because i'm use to it and i'm not use to being complented either so "ashley you're looking pretty today" i'll give you a blank stare like 'oh you're talking to me?'

Still to this day, i cant stand any yelling, cheering ect... because it reawakens the memory of my father that i'm trying to block.

{Due to the fact my dad almost drunk himself to death he is in Indiana getting help}.

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