Shuichi? {Angst}

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T/W There are intense themes of self-harm, self-loathing, depression, and suicide. This is a warning.

Kokichi and Shuichi have gotten close over the past few weeks. Kaito and Maki as well as all the other students at the Ultimate Academy. They didn't mind about the weird looks and some of the whispering that they were given from their relationship. Most of the others were able to piece together that the two males were dating, but some were unable to figure it out.

They had been spending a lot of time together in their labs, in the library, and in the courtyard. It didn't matter much about where they were, all that mattered to them is if they were together. But over the past few days Shuichi has been easily agitated, and he just seems more angry all the time. Kokichi tried to ask him what was going on, but Shuichi never mentioned what was bothering him.

Kokichi felt left out and left Shuichi alone for a couple of days to give him some space, and now Shuichi was alone in his room in the middle of the night, crying his eyes out.

"I'm sorry Kokichi..." He whispered as he walked over to his bed. He put his hands on the sheets only to remove them moments later. "I don't want to be here," He said, feeling more tears come to his eyes. The urges that he had been fighting his whole life were starting to come back over the past few weeks, and just as he reacted when they first came, he pushed everyone close to him away so he could suffer alone.

He always seemed to be alone. At night that feeling always seemed to become more apparent, because during the day he was able to talk and be around the others. Hiding the fact of how scared he was of being alone. But at night, or what he liked to call the midnight hours, he felt so alone. He felt his entire frame shake as his body craved for the one thing he would do to get rid of this feeling.

He wanted to cut himself, or at least cause enough pain to distract him from this. But because of how much he loves Kokichi, and because of how much the others care about him, he knew that he wouldn't be able to. This just made him feel even more depressed.

He hated feeling trapped. If it was because of his responsibilities, his relationships, or even his situation, he hated feeling trapped. He would always make sure he had something to do, because he knew this would help him to be distracted from this feeling, but now that they are in this situation, there isn't a lot he can do to always have something to occupy him. Hanging out with Kokichi and the others helped, but it didn't change the fact of how trapped he felt.

"Please," He begged someone, he didn't know who, but he wanted this to go away. The heaviness that came over his body, the screams of his thoughts, and the tears that didn't seem to spot coming. "Please please please, take this away from me," He cried into his hands. He moved them to pull at his hair as he bent over his bed. His hair was in his eyes and tears were staining the sheets under him, but he didn't care. He was so consumed in his own feeling of despair and loneliness.

"I want it! I need it! Please," He begged again, moving his shaking hands to cover his eyes. "Please let me have it! I want it, I want it! I want it!" He screamed into his hands that were now moving to his upper arms. Piercing into his skin almost to the point where it would draw blood.

"I want it," He cried letting his body fall limp on the floor as he sobbed. The urge to cut himself was driving him crazy, and now he was contemplating whether or not he wanted to do it again. He looked over to the pen on his desk and frowned. "I can," He said with a small smile walking over to the pen. It was a simple click pen, but what he was going to use it for didn't matter what kind of pen it was. All he needed was the tube of the pen, without the ink or the tip, just the tube.

"I can take this all away," He said, taking the pen appart to get what he needed from it. He held the tube in his hand and looked at it for a moment before rolling up his sleeve. He looked at all the faded scars on his arm, he remembered when Kokichi noticed them one time they were in the library.

"Shuichi, why didn't you tell me?" He asked gently holding his arm in his hand. Shuichi looked to the side feeling embarrassed about it.

"It didn't come up, so I didn't think to mention it," He said, feeling guilt come over his shoulders. Kokichi frowned at this and pulled him into a hug. He moved into Shuichi's lap to wrap his arms around his shoulders.

"Know you can come to me if something like this is bothering you," He said with a small knowing smile. Shuichi felt confused about his smile, does he know? Has he done something like this to himself before? He thought, but didn't bring it up because he didn't want Kokichi to have to remember what could be painful to him.

"Okay," He said, feeling hesitant about the whole situation. He honestly felt like crying, but he felt so weak because of this. He hated crying and blushing in front of others, because it made him feel so weak.

"Hey, do you want to go to my room to talk about it?" He asked with a serious look. Shuichi felt his breath catch at the thought. It would probably be good to be in a room with another person, especially if something like this is going through his head. Shuichi gave him a nod and helped him up.

"Okay~," He said with his usual smile. Shuichi tried to return the smile, but he didn't want to have to. Because the feeling of guilt was so heavy on his shoulders.

He sighed to himself and put the top of the tube on his arm before twisting it into the skin. He winced a bit at this before his tears stopped and he looked blankly at his arm as the tube dug into his skin. There was some blood coming out from under the tube. He moved it away from his skin and looked at the circle indent on his skin that was now pooling up with blood.

He felt more tears come to his eyes, because the pain wasn't enough, nothing was enough. He moved his hands back to his hair as his hands shook. "I don't want to be here anymore!" He screamed again, not caring if anyone else heard him. He was honestly so done with caring about anything.

"I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!" He yelled again, moving his arms to his sides. Trying his hardest to keep his hands from touching his skin to cause more harm. He needed to get over this so Kokichi didn't have to worry about it, so the others didn't have to worry about it.

He cried on and off for another hour or so. He was just so exhausted because of how alone he felt. He didn't know what to do with himself, he didn't know what to do anymore. He just wanted to be free from all of this.

"Shuichi?" He heard a voice call out. He looked back over to his door where Kokichi and the others were standing. He was surprised to see all of them up at this late hour.

"K-kokichi?" He asked, turning around. Kokichi moved towards him and quickly moved to hug him. Shuichi was confused by his actions, because he had been ignoring all of them for a long time...but now it seemed that Kokichi and the others still care about him, despite all of this.

"Shuichi, why didn't you come to me?" He asked while some of the others came in and went to hug Shuichi. "Because I don't understand what I'm feeling." He said plainly before Maki and Kaito gave Shuichi a hug, before Himiko and Gonta did the same.

"You don't have to be alone Shuichi!" Kaito said before Himiko added, "Yeah, we are all here for each other! So don't be afraid to come to us!" Himiko said with a smile. Shuichi was still in shock because they all came here for him. After the hugs came from the others Kokichi moved back in front of Shuichi.

"It's okay, to not be okay, but pushing those you care about isn't okay," He said before moving his hands to his cheeks. Shuichi blushed at this before Kokichi moved his face down so he could kiss him. Shuichi kissed him and let out some tears.

"Thank you," He said gently before Kokichi smiled. "We are here for you Shumai!" Kokichi said, hugging him again. Shuichi just smiled, because he knew in this moment, he didn't have to be alone.

-Don't know what to say about this one, other than this week has been shitty for me. Thank you all so much for reading! And I wish you all the best!-

-SK-

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