11. Coming Out

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You can really say that I was literally taken away by the words Adam said and I wanted to hear ever since the day I met him. I couldn’t really believe that he was serious about that because a few days earlier he would have never admitted even liking me. And now he said he loved me. I was hypnotized by this man. Adam was incredible and I don’t understand how on earth I deserved to be the one laying beside him. But I surely knew that I would give anything to never lose him again. I moved forward again and literally melted into his lips once more.

On the next day when it was time for dinner and my mother was calling me for about five times, I decided to not only eat with them, but also to talk to them. I was sure that it was the right time to finally say what I wanted to say. I was walking towards the closed kitchen door when I could already hear my parents talking about the stuff they had to do on the next day. Their voices made me even more nervous. My hands were shaking when I reached out for the door knob. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

“There you are! You’re alive! You didn’t show up downstairs the whole day, it’s like you’ve been trying to hide yourself.” My mother said, putting the food on the plates while my father was already sitting down.

“You must be starving since you haven’t eaten all day.” He said. Wrong. I felt like throwing up actually.

I walked towards the table and sat down on the chair I always sat on, next to my mother and opposite of my dad. When everyone took their seats and my parents already started eating, I decided to break the silence. I couldn’t wait anymore and those words were begging to be spoken. So I just did how my body and my head told me to do.

“I need to talk to you.” I started with a shaking voice. “It’s something I always wanted to tell you, ever since the day I found out. But I’ve never been brave enough. But I can’t live with these lies anymore, it’s too much pressure.” I said and took a deep breath again. “I respect you both too much to keep lying to you. And to myself. Because in the past few years I acted like a different person, not the way I really am. And that has to end now. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t act like nothing is wrong. And I don’t want to.” My parents frowned but listened carefully.  I wondered if they really knew what was going on with me. “My whole life I always felt different. I never knew what it was but I always knew that something in me is different. And two years ago, I finally admitted it to myself. And I know, it’s been a very long time and I know I should have talked to you earlier but like I already said, I couldn’t get it out of my mouth. I couldn’t be honest about that. Now I can.” Okay, Sauli, be brave. “I’m gay.” Fuck, that was it, I said it. I didn’t only felt like throwing up in that moment, I felt like dying. Not in a bad way though. Well, I didn’t really know.

“Why are you saying something like that?” My mum said, acting like I would have told her that I killed someone.

“Because I am.” I just answered.

“Stupid. We didn’t raise you up like this. Don’t lie to us now. Where is this even coming from?!” My dad shook his head but spoke with a pretty calm voice.

“Why are you acting like the world is going to end? I’m still the same guy I was a minute ago. And that won’t change.” I said, frowning.

“Wrong! Like I said, we didn’t raise you up like this!” My father said again and literally stared at me, which made this whole situation a lot more uncomfortable.

“You have n-nothing to do with it. And neither d-do I. That’s just who I am.” I replied. My voice was shaking so bad and I felt like it would break anytime soon and that would be the moment I wouldn’t be able to speak one single word again. “N-nobody has a s-say in who I fall in l-love with.” I stuttered and my mother noticeably became furious at my words.

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